


Sins & Amends

by WaywardGAPeach



Category: The Punisher (TV 2017)
Genre: Billy is no where near canon, But this aint one, F/M, Not Canon Compliant, Theres plenty of in canon fics with him, This is him not being left with good options, Why? Because its my fic and thats how i wanted to do it, bite me
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-16
Updated: 2020-05-16
Packaged: 2021-03-03 03:28:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 60
Words: 171,467
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24218140
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WaywardGAPeach/pseuds/WaywardGAPeach
Summary: You practically grew up with Maria and that was how you met Billy. The two of you became friends and that bond formed into more but when Billy breaks your heart weeks before a tragedy happens you feel like you've lost everything. Frank showing up at your door changed a lot. You end up neck deep in secrets you never would've imagined had been hid from you.
Relationships: Billy Russo/Reader
Comments: 66
Kudos: 33





	1. Chapter 1

You could still remember the day you met Maria. She was a year or so older than you. You'd been walking your dog and she'd been riding her bike. Unfortunately your dog had a severe aversion to bikes due to an accident with your brother when he was still a puppy so when he saw her coming towards him he'd cowered down jumping into the bushes and nearly pulled you face down. Maria had skidded to a stop and hopped off to come help you to your feet. She introduced herself and you did the same. When you mentioned you had just moved in down the block with your brother and dad she'd smiled and told you that anytime you wanted to hang out you were welcome at her home.

You'd never known a family like Maria's. Her parents were amazing. They were kind and welcoming and never missed an opportunity to lend a hand to anyone in need. When your dad wouldn't come home until late there was always a warm meal for you and your brother then when your brother fell in with a crowd that was less than savory to say the least and it eventually got to a point you were afraid to go home half the time they let you stay with them. Somewhere along the way you and Maria had bypassed friends and landed solidly into being more sisters than anything.

\--------------------

When you were sixteen your brother and father decided they wanted to move to Ohio. You were settled in New York. You had decent grades at school, you had friends and you had dreams for a future that involved so much more than bailing a drug addicted brother out of jail or constantly having to parent your father. When you ended up at her house crying because you didn't want to lose what life you'd managed to build her parents had taken it upon themselves to ask your father if you could just stay with them. You were two months shy of turning seventeen and only had one year of highschool to complete. If you kept up your grades you would get a full scholarship to any college.

You hadn't really been surprised when your father's words had been "I don't really give a shit. Less I got to worry about" one trip to the courthouse later Maria's parents were officially your legal guardians until you turned eighteen.

You ended up graduating towards the top of your class and getting a full scholarship. You chose to go into emergency medicine with being a paramedic as your goal and once again Maria and her family were there to fully support you.

\--------------------

The day you were hired on by the FDNY at a station house Maria and a few of your mutual friends wanted to get together to celebrate. When you reminded them that it also meant you starting to work anywhere from twelve to twenty four hour shifts they decided a lunch would be more appropriate than a night out.

The five of you were walking through the park after leaving the small cafe and you heard the absolute worst guitar playing and singing you'd ever heard. You glanced up to see a guy sitting under a tree a few feet from your group. He was good looking, nice built and the hair cut screamed military. Maria cut her eyes at you and winked before calling out "Hey buddy you know anything else? because we're sick of hearing you butcher this one"

When he glanced up you saw the look in Maria's eyes and knew she was hooked even as a blush spread across the guy's face. He took all of you giggling in stride you had to hand it to him because the next words out his mouth as his eyes locked onto Maria was "I don't do requests so if you want one it's gonna cost you"

\---------------------

Three months later Maria came to you with the news that not only was she pregnant but Frank had also proposed to her. The day they got married you stood at Maria's side as her maid of honor while she recited her vows and wiped a few tears from your eyes when the preacher announced them as husband and wife.

At the reception after he had his first dance with Maria Frank had walked over to you with a hand out "C'mon Y/N. You're basically her sister meaning now you're mine so let me push you around the dance floor one time" you took his hand with a smile "I'd love to Frankie"

\--------------------

When Frank and Maria went house hunting it was around the same time you were apartment hunting and they ended up buying a place not far from you. You had a feeling it was because Frank knew no matter what you would drop anything to get to Maria's side should she need you. Just as fast as Maria had claimed you when you were kids Frank claimed you now. It was an amazing feeling to have family that actually loved you and wanted you around even if you joked at times that Frank had just inherited Maria's love for taking in strays when he married her.


	2. Chapter 2

Frank introduced you to Curtis not long after him and Maria got married. He not only figured the two of you would hit it off good but considering you were a paramedic and Curtis a navy corpsman he figured the two of you had that as a starting point for a friendship.

Curtis had the best heart out of anyone you'd ever met. He was constantly on the look out for how he could help others and just all around a really good guy. It didn't take long before he'd fallen into the same category as Frank but while Frank was the overly protective bear of a brother figure Curt was the calmer head's prosper version. You'd found a new family to fall into a routine with. The Castles, Curt and your partner and friends at the station house helped you to really gain your footing in the life you wanted.

\---------------------

The day you met Billy you weren't sure what to expect . You'd talked to Frank and Curt both enough while they were deployed to know of him. He was pretty much like you, a stray that Frank had found and decided to keep just as Maria had decided to keep you. You'd seen a few photos of him alongside Frank and Curt and honestly? He was gorgeous in your opinion. He was around Frank's height with thick brown hair, eyes that looked nearly black they were so dark in color and a smile that even in a photo could grab your attention.

Apparently from Maria's description though while she did say he was a good guy and a sweetheart she didn't smooth over the fact that he was a player "The fellas call him Billy the beaut. Just as a forewarning if he tries turning the charm on please don't fall for it. He really does fit into this family well and I'd hate to have to cut his balls off." you hadn't even tried to hold back the laughter that the mental image of Maria's five foot four self assaulting a decorated marine had caused. "Yes ma'am" you agreed as you took in behind Lisa trying to catch her so you could change her into the outfit Maria had chosen for the airport trip to meet Frank.

You had the day off and had originally showed up to the Castle household wearing shorts and a short sleeve blouse but when Frank Jr had decided he didn't like his lunch and that it looked better on your shirt than in his stomach Maria had dug one of Frank's old marine shirts from bootcamp out and handed it to you "He won't mind and besides Frank Jr did pretty much cover your other shirt"

On your way out of her bathroom from changing you spotted one of Frank's ballcaps on top the dresser so you grabbed it and pulled your ponytail through the hole figuring why not? At least it lowered the chances of Lisa finding your hair to play with while you waited in the crowd that always accompanied the homecomings.

\--------------------

"Aunt Y/N do you have any food?" Lisa asked swinging from your arm with a giggle as you scanned the crowd looking for Frank. "No sweetie I'm sorry but as soon as we get your daddy we'll get you some lunch ok?" "Ok" she agreed with a grin that highlighted her missing front tooth that had come out a week before.

"Do you see them yet?" Maria asked and you were about to shake your head when you spotted Frank working his way through the crowd "I see Frank!" you said and waved your arm so he would see you. He locked eyes with you and smiled then leaned back in the crowd and you could tell he was talking to someone and that was when you spotted Billy at his side "and he's got Russo with him" you added earning a cheeky grin from Maria at the use of Billy's last name.

Frank made it to your small group first and pulled Maria into a kiss then hugged Lisa and Frank Jr close to his chest. After he let them go he grinned at you "C'mon kid you're getting a hug too" you let him pull you into his arms and laughed against his chest when he said "By the way are you wearing my shirt and my hat?" You pulled back with a guilty expression and tilted your head towards Maria "Boss lady said I could"

"Smart woman to listen to her" you heard someone say and turned to see Billy's eyes were glued to you. "Well the infamous Billy Russo. It's nice to finally meet you" you offered your hand with a smile. A glint of a mixture of amusement and maybe a little bit of cockyness flashed through his eyes before a smirk slowly worked its way onto his face and he shook your hand "And you must be Y/N. It's a pleasure to finally meet you. I've heard a lot about you from Frankie" you could tell he was turning on the charm and had you not been warned? Oh hell yes it would've worked but instead you simply replied "I've heard a lot about you too. Now let's see what out of that is true or not"

You missed the look he gave Frank when you turned around to pick Lisa up which was clearly "Where did you find her?" Billy had his fair share of women but none that ever really peaked his interest until you. There was something about you that had him watching your every move or until Maria arched an eyebrow at him and Frank's earlier warning of "Bill Y/N is a pretty girl but she's like a sister to Maria and has been there for her and the kids more than I have meaning she's family and that Maria will cut your balls off should you even attempt your usual methods"

He raised his hands defensively and hoisted his bag on his shoulder to walk out the airport with all of you. You glanced back and smiled at him "So Billy I hear you're uncle as much as I'm aunt?" He nodded "Yea why?" and laughed when you held Lisa out to him "Carry her to the car for Maria. I'm grabbing a cab to go on a food run and will meet all of you at the house" "Yes ma'am" he smirked and gave you a salute so in return you rolled your eyes but didn't try to fight the smile that had worked it's way onto your face "At ease lieutenant"

You winked at Maria and said "I am going after Frankie's favorite and am getting my niece some lunch, anything else needed?" "Beer" Frank offered and you tilted your head towards him "Of course" then walked the opposite way of them to hail a cab while they headed for the parking lot.


	3. Chapter 3

It took a little while for you and Billy to really start to warm up to each other. The fact of your best friends being married meant the two of you were thrown together quite a lot. Somewhere along the way he'd dropped the flirtatious banter and really started to be at ease around you. While it was true he was gorgeous and charming as hell you knew you were probably far from his type from the start so it was easy to shove him into a friend category.

It didn't take you long to pick up on the fact that Billy used his god given features to hide behind at times. He was a lot more than his looks. When it came to the kids you could see how much they loved him just watching them with him. His bond with Frank was just as strong as the one you had with Maria and the two of them with Curtis? Sounded like three brothers hanging out.

\---------------------

Before the guys left on their next deployment all of you were having dinner at the Castle house. All meaning Frank,Maria,Frank Jr, Lisa,Billy and you considering Curtis was having dinner with his aunt. Lisa was sitting between you and Billy and kept tapping his arm then when he'd lean down she'd whisper something in his ear and the both of them would crack smiles that made you question what exactly they were hatching up "Easy there aunt Y/N I don't try to stop your fun with the kiddos, don't try to stop mine" Billy replied with a wink before turning his attention back to something Frank had said. It'd only been a little under two months since they'd been home but you'd gotten to know Billy pretty well during that time.

When dinner was over and you were headed out to the cab you'd call to take you home Billy stopped you at the door "Y/N can I split that cab with you so I don't have to wait on another one?" You nodded "Yea sure" since the kids were already in bed you both called out goodbyes to Maria and Frank before stepping out into the cool night air.

\--------------------

The cab ride was silent until you got to your place and Billy climbed out behind you. "You aren't going home Russo?" You asked and he shrugged "I can walk from here plus this way I make sure you get home ok" You narrowed your eyes for a moment as you stared at him until he grinned "Frankie might have asked me to make sure you got home since it's so late"

You couldn't help the smile. Frank was always going to be overly protective but you loved him for it. "Well c'mon then might as well walk me to my door" He fell in step next to you until you opened the door leading into your apartment building. You hesitated before stepping inside and bit your bottom lip in thought before finally letting the thought that had playing around in your head spill out "Does anyone write you when you're gone?"

He actually looked stunned for a moment which made you shrink down in humiliation. You knew enough about his past to know he didn't have any birth family. Why the hell had you asked something so personal? You started to attempt to back track but he'd already schooled his features back in place to respond "No. Are you offering?" You knew him well enough to tell he was being sarcastic so when you answered "Actually, yes" you watched as a few different emotions flickered across his face.

He was silent for a moment then licked his lips before nodding "I'd like that" "Good. Now good night. I'll see you tomorrow for the farewell dinner?" "I'll see you tomorrow" He smiled then turned to walk away after making sure you'd gotten in the building safely.

\--------------------

The day Frank and Billy were to leave again you'd just got off a eighteen hour shift and wanted nothing more than to crash for a few hours but when Maria called to ask if you'd go to the airport with her and the kids you instead grabbed a quick shower and tried to see just how much coffee you could manage to pour down your throat before she called to call she was outside your apartment building.

When she called to say she was downstairs you grabbed your to go cup of coffee off the counter and headed down willing yourself to seem lively enough to give Frank a good send off and to be there for her and the kids. You hadn't expected to open the side door of her van to find Billy's long legged ass sitting on the back seat.

You climbed across Lisa's car seat and nearly landed in Billy's lap when your foot caught the underside of the seat "Well are you falling for me after all?" he asked with a smirk which caused you to roll your eyes "Sleep deprivation is a serious thing Russo. Might make you seem appealing" "Oh Bill she gets that point" Frank called from the front seat as you sat down next to Billy and Maria pulled out onto the road.

He glanced at your coffee mug before asking "How long of a shift you getting off of?" "Eighteen" You replied stifling a yawn. "I know you came for Maria but it's nice seeing friendly faces before getting on the plane" he said after a moment so you reached over and bumped his leg to get his attention before saying "I came for you and Frankie too. We're basically friends now Billy and as long as you're Frank's best friend you're stuck with me anyways"

"Well finally something good comes out that friendship" he replied with a wink when Frank growled "I heard that Bill" from the front seat.

\--------------------

You were used to the routine with Frank pretty much. He'd say his goodbyes to Maria then the kids then pull you into a hug during which he'd usually whisper his thanks for you being there for them in your ear before pulling away.

You watched Billy standing to the side so after the kids hugged their dad and told him goodbye you leaned down to them and motioned for them to come closer "Yes ma'am?" Lisa asked so you nodded towards Billy "I think uncle Billy needs some goodbyes too. What you think?" they both scurried off to hug him goodbye but you were caught off guard when Lisa said "Aunt Y/N are you gonna hug uncle Billy like you do daddy?"

You cut your eyes at Maria and Frank who were both a bit misty eyed at once again being seperated but seeming a bit amused too so instead of making a show you simply walked over to Billy and pulled him down into a hug. When he slid his arms around you your breath caught in your throat. Damn he smelled amazing and felt even better. "Thanks Y/N" he whispered then once you pulled away from each other he added "Take care and I'll be looking for a letter"

\--------------------

You stood with Maria and the kids until the plane was taking off then the four of you headed for the parking lot you and her both carrying a kid. "I'm tired Ria" you admitted and she smiled "Let's go home. You can take a nap in mine and Frank's bed and then we can get some take out with the kids" "That sounds good to me" you agreed.

You had just slid into the passenger seat when she asked "Did Billy said he'd be looking for a letter?" You shrugged "Yea I said I'd write him. I mean I've always written Frank and Curt so that's a friend thing to do right?" She nodded "Yea Billy only has us so it'll be good for him" then pulled out onto the road.


	4. Chapter 4

The first time you sat down to write Billy you found yourself staring at the notebook. What were you going to say? You knew so many letters came off as repetitive and you didn't want to sound like that. Writing Frank was simple enough you covered anything and everything to do with Maria and the kids but what to tell Billy?

After a moment you took a breath then finally put pen to paper. You told him small things like the new med bag your partner Alice had surprised you with for your birthday all the way to how a recent call had pushed you to the extent of your knowledge. After a few minutes you realized you had an entire letter written. You didn't quite know how to sign it so you simply put  _ "Stay safe" _ at the end then laid it next to your jacket so you wouldn't forget to drop it in the mail come the next morning.

\---------------------

After that first letter you weren't really expecting him to write you back. The most you'd ever even see Maria and the kids get from him was a short thanks for the card or whatever had been sent to him.

It was a little over a month before you got a letter back from him and it was a pleasant surprise. You got it out your mail box and tucked it into the top of your bag before heading to the elevator. Maria and the kids wanted you to come over for dinner but you had enough time to read the letter then shower and change.

You dropped your bag by the door and pulled the letter out then walked into the kitchen while you tore it open. The first line was his usual snark of  _ "Oh sweetheart how can I not be safe"  _ You leaned against the counter and found a smile slipping onto your face the further you read. He of course talked about Frank and told you a few stories of the other men out his unit and even a few of their unclassified missions. He wished you a belated birthday and commended you on doing everything you could during the call. By the end of the letter you were wishing it was longer.

Your smile grew when you saw that at the end of the letter he'd written  _ "I'll try to write more when I can but this is kind of new to me.Thanks for this though. It was a nice change" _

You walked over and tucked the letter in with your notebooks and envelopes making a mental note to write him again as soon as you could before heading to grab a quick shower after checking the time.

\--------------------

It didn't take very long before writing Billy became part of your usual routine. You'd get a letter every couple weeks or so and would send him one back within a day of getting his. You started looking forward to checking your mail in hopes of a new letter being in there. It seemed the more you wrote Billy the more he was letting you see into who he really was even more.

\--------------------

You were staying over with Maria and the kids due to a storm coming through and Lisa not being the biggest fan of thunder when Frank managed to Skype them. All of you were squashed onto the love seat huddled around Maria's laptop when Frank's face came into view. You smiled just seeing how happy Maria and the kids were to see him.

He talked to all of you for a while then his attention started darting off screen and you were worried for a moment the call would get cut short until Billy appeared over his shoulder with a broad smile "Uncle Billy!" Lisa and Frank Jr giggled. "Hey squirts, Maria" he greeted and Maria smiled "Hey Billy. Taking care of my husband?" "Oh yes ma'am" he replied with a wink then he looked directly at you so Maria slid the laptop into your lap.

"Hey Y/N" "Hey Billy. How you doing?" even over a fuzzy connection those dark eyes drew you into them and you had to bite the inside of your cheek to remind yourself he was firmly friend zone for soo many reasons. "Can't complain cause even if I did Frankie will probably just throw something at my head anyways" You tried and failed to stifle a laugh. "Well then don't complain around him unless you have your helmet on" "I'll be sure to remember that. Anyways just wanted to say hey Frankie's about to knock me out the chair to get the computer back but take care I'll write again soon"

"She has a account too Bill" Frank cut in so since you were already outed you nodded "Yea want the name?" "Yea sure" after you told him your username and number for Skype he told Maria and the kids bye then let Frank back in the chair so you slid the laptop back to Maria and pulled Frank Jr over into your lap so he could see his dad more clearly.

Frank stayed on for a while longer so when the kids ended up falling asleep before he had to cut the call you carried one at a time to bed so him and Maria could talk longer. After you'd tucked Lisa in you walked back in the living room to find Maria wiping her eyes and sitting the laptop down in the corner to charge.

"Ria? you ok?" you asked softly and she nodded "I just miss him" you held out your arms silently and she walked into them letting you comfort her for a few minutes before she sniffled and said "Ok enough of wallowing kids are in bed, we have wine and movies let's enjoy ourselves before the storm hits good" you were always amazed at her ability to keep moving forward. She was the strongest woman you'd ever known.

You followed her into the kitchen and grabbed two wine glasses out before sitting them on the counter. She grabbed a bottle out the fridge and poured you both a glass then tucked the bottle under her arm and nodded towards the pantry "Grab some snacks I'll get the movie started"

You were watching the woman on screen light something explosive up when Maria said "You know Frank said Billy really does appreciate the letters. He doesn't really have family besides us" you glanced sideways at her and shrugged "He's a pretty good guy and like I told him we're stuck together as long as he's friends with Frank cause I don't know about Billy but I don't plan on going anywhere" she laughed at that then added "I'm glad you two have become friends even if I warned you about his flirting he is really a sweetheart when it comes down to it" a rumble of thunder echoed through the house so you sat your glass down then stood up and said "I'll go check on them" before heading towards Lisa and Frank Jr's bedrooms.

\--------------------

The Skype calls between you and Billy started happening regularly. There were times they'd be just minutes and there were times you'd talk for an hour or longer. Frank would dip in to say hey and to check in on Maria because she'd tell you more how she was handling things then she would him.

The two of you had went from simply being stuck with each other due to your choices of best friends to actually being friends yourself.

\---------------------

You filled your time when you weren't working with either Maria and the kids or hanging out with Curtis, helping him get used to things back stateside.

It seemed like the ten month deployment went by rather fast before you knew it the guys were back and you were once again sitting up the welcome home barbeque. Frank was manning the grill while Maria finished up a few things inside so you were leaned against the side of the house talking with Curtis and his sister Mia who you'd gotten to fly in to surprise him and watching everyone mill around in the background laughing when a random water balloon caught Frank behind the head.

"Curt tell you the plans he has to help vets?" you asked Mia and saw a smile slip onto Curtis's face "It's in the infant steps but yea and Y/N has offered to help however she can" You talked with the two of them for a while before you heard Billy holler "Y/N! HELP ME!" You glanced up from the conversation and laughed when you saw the predicament he was currently in.

Frank Jr was behind him and Lisa appeared to be threatening them both with the water hose. "What did he do Lis?" You hollered and could see the grin playing at her lips she was a mirror of her mom when you were both younger "He said boys are stronger than girls!" "William Russo!" You gasped and he gave a guilty shrug.

About that time Frank walked back into the house then came out with the super soakers he'd gotten the kids and handed you one "go get him" "FRANKIE!" Billy was the one to sound shocked this time but Frank just shrugged "House rules brother. We don't question the strength of these women"

You spent the rest of the day laughing while you and Lisa bombarded Billy even ending up talking Frank Jr and Big Frank into your plans. Unfortunately when Frank came up with an idea that ended with Billy going into the above ground pool he managed to grab you before he went over the side and you both ended up soaking wet and laughing your asses off. "Remind me again why I'm friends with you Billy?" you asked playfully shoving him while you tried to climb out the pool only for him to laugh and pull you back in replying "You're best friends with my best friend's wife?" "Oh yeah" you agreed before hopping up to shove him down in the water and make a break for it.

Frank pulled you out and laughed when you shook your hair out your face "Alright children go get dried off" You leaned around him and stuck your tongue out at Billy who shook his head with a grin before you headed towards the door where Maria stood with a stack of towels.

"Thanks Ria" you said as you took the offered towel. She nodded back towards where Billy and Frank were making their way across the yard "seems like you two are getting along well enough" you glanced back at the two then smiled at her "Yea he's actually fun to be around most of the time" 

"Hey I heard that!" Billy said mocking hurt at your words before he grabbed the towel from Maria and added "besides I am a delight to be around. Ain't that right Frankie?" Frank looked between you and Billy then shook his head "says more about me and Maria that this is what we chose as our friends" 

"Frank!" "Frankie!" You and Billy exclaimed in unison before Frank grinned "Our lives be boring without the two of you" you glared at Frank playfully for a second before cutting your eyes at Billy "He looks a little too dry to me. What do you think Russo?" 

A smirk slid onto Billy's face as soon as he realized your plan and he nodded "Oh definitely" "Do not!" He warned looking between the two of you. 

"I call the water hose!" You hollered making a run for it and heard Billy "I got the super soaker!" "You're both dead!" Frank hollered and Maria simply said "Y/N show no mercy to either of them!" Then ran inside with a laugh and slammed the door behind her.


	5. Chapter 5

"Y/N!" You leaned out the bunk room when you heard Alice call your name "Yea?" She motioned back over her shoulder "There's a good looking guy in the bay asking for you" "Good looking guy?" You were more than a little confused but she shrugged "Hey just cause I like women don't mean I can't tell. Tall, dark hair and darker eyes, basically looks like Zeus sculpted his jaw line as a personal favor?" "Shit that's Billy" you mumbled pulling the blanket up on the bed you'd currently been making then walked past her "Why's that a cause to say shit?" She questioned trailing you closely shooting off a dozen questions about who Billy was and how you knew him.

"Oh shit that Billy!" she realized right before you pushed open the door that led outside and you nodded "That'd be him. Wanna meet officially?" "Sure!" She agreed with a grin slinging her arm around your shoulders as the two of you stepped outside and you spotted Billy leaning against a wall right inside the bay.

He pushed off when he saw you a smile spreading across his face "Hey Y/N" "Hey Billy" you greeted then when Alice shook your shoulders you stifled a laugh to add "Have you met my partner on squad? Alice Hendrixs this is Billy Russo"

The two of them shook hands and a part of you hoped Billy didn't see the look Alice gave you before saying "It was a pleasure meeting you but I gotta go finish up our checklist before our relief gets here" Billy cut his eyes back at you "Shit I didn't mean to interrupt your job" "No interruption. She covers for me, I cover for her. No biggie" Alice assured him before scurrying away.

Billy watched her go before saying "She's nice" you nodded slowly "She's a bit excitable at times but she's been my partner from day one and we always have each other's back" "Sounds like a good friend" "She is" 

You turned back to look at him and felt the urge to squirm under his intense gaze. You mentally shook yourself then realised you didn't know why he was at the station house "Is something wrong? I mean is everyone ok?" Your mind started racing thinking of the Castles and Curtis.

He held up one hand to slow your worries "Oh yeah. They're fine. I was going to bring you a coffee by then realized you would be getting off soon so I figured you may let me buy you breakfast" 

You couldn't help but ask "Billy you've only been stateside a couple weeks. You mean to tell me you didn't have company on a saturday morning?" He ran his tongue across his teeth and seemed taken aback slightly by your words "Well sweetheart contrary to what you think I am capable of doing more than bed hopping when I'm home and spending time with one of my friends makes the top of the list. Now if you don't want to that's fine but I'm not quite as bad as my reputation" 

You kicked yourself the moment you realized you'd touched a nerve. You hadn't meant to insinuate anything you simply hadn't wanted to intrude on any other plans he might have had. You were friends with him and loved having that bond but a part of you still wondered why a man like him would want to spend his precious time between deployments with you. Despite your struggles with your own demons at times your dad's voice echoing that no one would ever want you still rang through your head more than you liked to admit. 

Before he could turn to walk off you reached out and grabbed his hand "Wait Billy" he looked at you expectantly so you said "There's a diner not far from here. Good coffee and decent food. Meet you there in about twenty minutes?" A smile slipped onto his face that made your stomach flip before he said "Sounds good" 

\--------------------

When you walked into the diner you didn't even have to look for Billy before you heard him calling your name. He was sitting in a corner booth and smiled when you walked in his direction. 

"Sorry it took me a little longer. Riley needed some help before her shift" you said as you slid in across from him. He shrugged "No problem. I don't have anywhere to be" 

"So what's good here?" He asked picking up one of the menus and cut his eyes at you with a smirk.

\------------------------

Your plates had already been cleared off the table but you were both nursing cups of coffee as you talked about everything he'd missed with you, Maria and the kids. Not to mention Curtis's recovery. "I think we're all lucky that you came along with Maria as a package deal. Makes Frankie's life a little easier knowing she's not alone with the kids and now how you've helped Curt? You're a big part in everyone's life"

You tried to stop the words from tumbling out but weren't quick enough "What about you Russo?" He grinned those dark eyes seeming to glimmer in the low lights of the diner "Oh I count myself lucky to say I am friends with a woman as amazing as you are" 

"Amazing huh? I don't feel amazing most days" you mumbled and he arched an eyebrow "and why is that?" You tried to back track but he was shaking his head "Nope I ain't giving in that easily. How the hell can you not see how the kids look at you? Hell how Frank and Maria look at you? You help everyone you can. You're braver than some of the men we serve with knowing the shitstorms you walk into as a paramedic in this city. I've never met anyone quite like you"

You could feel your cheeks threatening to warm and bit the inside of them to try to keep it down before saying "You're sweet Billy but i honestly wasn't fishing for compliments there" "Good because I wasn't complimenting just telling the truth. If you ever need some compliments feel free to say so and I'll get right on it" he replied with a wink that made a laugh fall from your lips. 

The waitress came over that time and glanced between the two of you with a smile "need anything over here?" Billy cut his eyes at you so you shook your head "No ma'am just the check would be nice"

\--------------------

You shifted your bag on your shoulder as the two of you stepped outside in the early morning sun. "So what's your plans for the rest of the weekend?" He asked falling in step next to you.

"Well I'm gonna go home and sleep until time to head to Maria and Frank's for dinner. I'm off tomorrow then I work through friday so I was going to suggest to Ria that her and Frank use it as a date night so I can keep the kids at my place for them" you tried unsuccessfully to stifle a yawn while you spoke. He motioned to your bag "Want me to carry that? I'll walk you to your place" 

You handed the bag over and smiled "Such a gentleman. Why is it you're still single again?" He laughed and said "Well for one you're probably the only person to ever call me a gentleman and Frank says it's because I ain't found quality yet" before you had a chance to respond he turned it around on you "besides Y/N one could ask why you're still single?"

You shrugged then said "Men are assholes? Present company, Frank and Curt excluded. I'm not most guy's idea of a dream girl" he pulled his bottom lip between his teeth and chewed on it while the two of you walked in silence and you were about to ask if something you'd said had bothered him before he broke the silence "Any man that can't see your worth is a god damn fool" you felt a genuine smile slip onto your face as you said "Thank you Billy"

You glanced up and realized you'd already made it to your building so you turned to him "I'll take my bag back sir" he handed it to you then half smiled "see you tonight?" 

That surprised you. Billy not having company on a Saturday morning or that night? You chose not to comment on it instead you simply nodded "See you tonight" and headed inside.


	6. Chapter 6

When did it go from you watching the kids for date nights or taking them to museums and movies to you and Billy doing those things? 

He had volunteered before to tag along on museum excursions or movie outings and any weekend all of you ended up at the cabin you and him would entertain the kids so Maria and Frank could carve out couple time but this was the first time he had volunteered for an overnighter with only you and the kids.

\-------------------- 

When he'd first offered you'd nearly choked on the wine you'd just taken a sip of and arched an eyebrow at Frank who laughed around his beer "You good there Y/N?" You nodded "Yea I just think my hearing is a little off. Billy did you just offer to hang out with me, Frank Jr and Lisa on a Friday night?" 

He shrugged and ran a hand across the back of his neck "Look I know you're used to having the kids but you said you work solidly through Friday so that way if you need to crash early I'm still there with them and Frankie and Maria still get a date night" you opened your mouth to tell him that you could handle it, that he didn't need to give up a Friday but before you could say anything Maria cut in "that's sweet Billy. I'm sure Y/N won't mind the extra help" you cut your eyes at her but she simply smiled and went back to her conversation with Frank.

You turned back to Billy with a smile "sounds good. Ria and Frank will drop the kids off around five so feel free to drop by any time after that" he grinned and said "Yes ma'am" then Frank got his attention about something so you turned your eyes back to Maria who sent you a wink then held up the wine bottle as an offer so you tilted your glass towards her for a refill.

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It was a quarter till five on friday when you heard a knock on your door followed by Frank peeking in "Y/N?" "C'mon in Frank! I'm finishing putting away laundry!" You called from the bedroom and heard the Castles all shuffle into your living room.

When you walked back in you caught Lisa and Frank Jr's backs disappearing into your spare bedroom to deposit their over night bags in there. "Well they just make themselves at home don't they?" Frank asked with a raised eyebrow and you grinned "Oh Frankie you may be baby daddy but I'm baby auntie. They love me too"

"Billy told Frank to let you know he was bringing pizza when he came over so you wouldn't order and end up with twice as much" Maria offered and you turned to look at her for a second before tilting your head towards your bedroom "Ria! I need to show you something" 

Frank looked between the two of you then pointed towards the spare bedroom "I'm gonna go make sure they aren't killing each other in there while you two talk" you nodded then turned towards your bedroom hearing Maria's heels clicking on the floor as she followed you. 

You spun around once both of you were in the room and stood there with your arms crossed waiting for an explanation as to why she'd accepted Billy's offer with no say so from you. She smiled a mischievous look you knew anywhere before saying "If Billy wants to spend a Friday night with you and the kids instead of some of those bed hopping little bunnies he usually frequents I say all the better for him" 

"Ria! I don't want Billy staying here! It's gonna be awkward" you nearly whined "Why because you've had a crush on him damn near since you met him?" She interrupted and the noise you made was pathetic even to your own ears "I  _ had _ a crush on him. I mean he's good looking yea so that was an initial thing but now we're friends like next to you Billy is probably one of my closest friends, one of the people I spend the most time with when he's stateside and I'd never dream of messing up how well our little unit works by letting my feelings whatever they may be come out in the open" 

She scoffed waving a hand as if to shoo your words away "You two have slept under the same roof how many times at the cabin or just crashing at our house? How is this different?" You opened your mouth to try to think of a comeback but Frank popped his head in the door about that time and met your eyes "Y/N sweetheart Bill wants to know where to put the pizzas?" 

Maria's grin deepened when you said "Tell him any where is fine" he nodded then shut the door back behind him so Maria turned towards you "Now me and Frank have reservations. Are you and Billy good?" You nodded and followed her into the living room where from the looks of it Lisa and Frank Jr were already making themselves comfortable on your couch with a pizza between them. 

"Be good for aunt Y/N and uncle Billy!" Frank reminded once more before shutting the door behind him. You turned around and realized Billy was looking at you so you plastered a smile on "Russo gonna offer me a slice or just stand there?" He smiled and waved a hand towards the boxes that were still in your kitchen "take your pick ma'am"

\--------------------

Billy walked in the kitchen to grab another drink and leaned against the counter watching as Frank Jr tried and failed to teach you how to play the handheld video game he had. "Can't we just watch a movie? You can pick first" you offered so then the two of you were going through the guide to see what movie he may want and discussing in length each choice. 

"You're smiling uncle Billy" Lisa said walking up next to him. "I'm content kid" he tried to offer but she shook her head "No you only smile like that when aunt Y/N is around. Do you like her?" 

He couldn't hide the shock on his face. Was he really that damn transparent any more? "Yea Lis i mean we've been friends for a couple years now. Of course I like her" "that's not what i meant" she giggled before grabbing her drink off the counter and heading back in the living room to rejoin you and Frank Jr on the couch. "You joining us Mr Russo or gonna chill in the kitchen?" You asked looking at him with that smile that always seemed to lift his mood. "Yea I'm coming" maybe he was that transparent or maybe whatever he felt for you was simply something he hadn't allowed himself to ever feel for someone before.

\--------------------

By the time Lisa and Frank Jr started yawning you already had the guest bedroom ready for them. "Cmon guys let's get teeth brushed then I think it's time we all call it a night" they stood to follow you into your bathroom.

"It's a lot of fun getting to spend time with you and uncle Billy" Lisa said as you tucked her in. You smiled "I'm glad you had fun babygirl" 

When you got to the door her and Frank Jr both said "Night aunt Y/N. We love you" "Love you more squirts" you replied with a grin that turned into a laugh when Billy who you hadn't realized had walked up behind you said "What about me? Am I chopped liver?" Only for Lisa to say "We love you too uncle Billy. We just love aunt Y/N more"

He looked offended for a moment then shrugged "Yea can't blame ya there" you shook your head and gave him a light shove "Go on now. The kids must sleep" he headed into the living room so you turned the nightlight on then pulled the door shut behind you.

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When you walked in the living room Billy was putting the remaining pizza into your fridge and had picked up what trash was on the counter from the kids having juice pouches and ice cream sundaes you and Billy had both swore them to secrecy over.

"You didn't have to clean up" you said taking the beer he held out now that the kids were down. "Figured I could make myself useful" he said with a shrug.

You motioned towards the couch "Wanna watch a movie or want me to head to bed so you can stretch out?" "Movie" he replied before you got the question out good.

\--------------------

Something about being curled up on one end on your couch while Billy sat on the other end barefooted wearing jogging pants and t-shirt seemed more intimate than anything you'd felt with actual ex boyfriends.

"Stretch your legs out. This is your home" he spoke not taking his eyes off the tv but patted his lap. When you realized what he meant you gladly took him up on the offer turning so you could lay your feet in his lap. "See sweetheart? A lot more comfortable" he said with a smile after he'd fixed the blanket you had over you to be draped across your legs.

You'd felt comfortable being close like this with Billy for a while now. Hell movie nights was a usual occurrence for the two of you though normally reserved for a weekday. Maybe Maria was just getting in your head with her teasing?

"Remember the first time we all went to the cabin together?" He asked after a moment and you laughed "Yea. I remember me and you fussing with Frank over which of us got the room with the bigger bed and two nights in a row we ended up falling asleep in the hammocks on the porch" 

He half smiled then said "You know when you asked about the scars on my shoulder...you are probably one of the only people aside from Frank or Curt that didn't look at me with pity in your eyes. That meant a lot to me" that made you give him your full attention "It's like I told you. Scars are simply proof we're stronger than whatever tried to hurt us"

He patted your legs gently and that small smile crept slowly across his face "Y/N I'm glad I met you. I'd like to think I'm a better man for having you in my life" your heart felt like it may beat out your chest and a part of you was praying your face wouldn't betray the emotions running through you at his words. "Thanks Billy. I'm glad you're in my life too"

He turned his eyes back towards the tv and you tried to concentrate on the movie but found your gaze slipping back to his face. What had he meant? Maria couldn't possibly be right..no you and Billy were friends. You had been for a while now. You were simply letting her get into your head. You were lucky to have this bond with him and you'd be damned before a stupid crush ruined an amazing friendship. If that's all you'd ever have with Billy you were glad to hold onto it.

\-------------------

Billy noticed about halfway into the second movie your legs relaxed even more and your breathing had evened out. When he glanced in your direction his suspicions were confirmed. Your head was laid over on the couch cushion and you were fast asleep. He told himself he'd wait until this movie was over then he'd wake you up.

You were comfortable enough around him to let your guard down and that meant a lot to him. That night at the cabin after Maria and Frank had went to bed the two of you had sat up around a fire.

_ You were sitting next to him on a lounge chair with a blanket wrapped around you staring at the flames. "Billy?" The moment you spoke his name he turned to look at you "yea?" "Thanks for trusting me enough to tell me about your scars" _

_ He reached over and grabbed your hand something that he found himself being more and more comfortable doing especially after the few times you'd initiated such contact. "Y/N besides Frankie and Curt you're quickly becoming one of my best friends. If felt wrong not to tell you the truth"  _

_ You smiled almost sadly compared to the usual bright smile that would light up your eyes "I'm glad I found Maria when we were kids. I don't know what would've happened to me" you finally told him about the way your mom had ran off with a boyfriend only to be found overdosed six weeks later then your dad and brother used you as a servant then verbal and at times physical punching bag. He hadn't been able to keep from saying "They fucking deserved that and worse" when you told him how shocked they seemed when you took enough after meeting Maria's family and started standing your ground with them.  _

_ "God I'm sorry Billy. I'm fucking horrible complaining about my childhood with what you had to deal with" he shook his head and used the hand that was still holding yours to pull you out your chair and into his scooting over to make room for you both. "Can't compare two different hells Y/N just cause I dealt with some shit don't mean your parents and brother weren't pieces of shit and you know what? I'm glad you found Maria too or else I wouldn't have ever met you"  _

_ The two of you had ended up staying by the fire until dawn curled up in a chair and sharing the blanket you had. You talked about everything from the moment you knew you wanted to be a paramedic to his plans for after he left the marines. By the time the sun started peeking over the horizon Billy knew he was in trouble where it came to you. _

A loud crack of thunder rumbled through the sky and before Billy could blink you were up and on your feet moving towards the spare bedroom where the kids were. He didn't get a chance to ask why before the door was opening and Lisa came flying out nearly jumping into your arms followed by a tired looking Frank Jr.

\--------------------

You knew the moment the thunder was loud enough to wake you that Lisa would be up. Billy looked confused when you jumped up but that confusion gave way to understanding when Lisa came flying out the spare bedroom like her ass was on fire.

You turned towards him with her wrapped firmly around you "Um she normally wants to bunk with me during a storm" another rumble of thunder made her shrink further into you "Can we make a blanket fort in here?" She asked in a small voice so you looked at Billy who nodded "Frankie wanna help me? Uncle Billy is a bit rusty on blanket forts"

You gave him a grateful smile and watched while him and Frank Jr quickly went to work gathering materials and even snatching the cushions off the couch.

Once the blanket fort was all set up you untangled Lisa from you long enough for you both to crawl in it followed by Frank Jr. "Uncle Billy are you coming in too?" He asked and Billy glanced at you but before you could tell him it was ok if he didn't want to Lisa added in a small "Please uncle Billy" and you knew he'd be folding up those long legs to crawl in after you.

It took some maneuvering to fit the four of you comfortably but you ended up with Lisa laying halfway on your stomach while Frank Jr laid with his feet meeting yours. Billy who had been at the entrance of the fort watching you change positions with the kids a thousand times smirked "Um Y/N where am I gonna fit?" You leaned up as far as you could without disturbing either child "You can lay beside me or take my bed. I'll tell em I kicked you out so I'll take the heat"

He grinned "Naw I won't make you face the firing squad" before climbing in. He finally made it next to you and laid on his back, hand brushing your neck lightly as he got comfortable. "Night Billy" "Night Y/N"

  
  
  
  



	7. Chapter 7

You didn't know how long you'd been sitting on the bench in the locker room. You'd gotten out the shower and changed out your uniform but your hair still hung down around your shoulders and your socks and shoes were untouched in front of you. 

It wasn't the first time you'd lost someone on a call. Hell it was just a fact that not everyone would make it to the hospital. You'd never had to pronounce someone while their wife was being loaded into another rig begging you to save her husband. 

"Y/N?" Alice calling your name softly made you jump. She sat down gently next to you and put her arm around your shoulders "We couldn't do anything for him. It's hard I know" you leaned over on her and nodded "He was twenty two Alice. God he was a kid" you tried not to take calls home with you but some were simply worse than others and that wife's screams were still ringing in your ears. "Wanna come home with me and Kenzie? I won't be sleeping too well tonight either and we can keep each other company"

You appreciated the offer but didn't want to intrude considering they hadn't moved in together but a month before. "No but I will take a ride home when she comes to pick you up" you replied and she nodded "I'm gonna head out front. Just come out when you're finished up"

You finally slipped your shoes on and heard your phone ringing when you were finishing throwing your stuff in your bag. You picked it up and actually managed a smile when you saw it was Maria then you remembered what day it was "Shit your mom and dad are leaving tomorrow" was what you ending up saying in place of hello.

"And I'm guessing you didn't remember?" She asked and you knew the moment you let out a breath she knew something was wrong and big sister mode kicked in "What happened?" You picked up your bag and headed out the locker room before answering "We had a hard call. You hear about that car going under the semi?"

She was silent for a moment before saying "Oh honey. I'm sorry. Do you want me to come over?" You shook your head then remembered she couldn't see you "No cause when you tell Vivian and Jon I had a bad day they'll want to come too and while I love them for that I'd rather all of you have a nice dinner and I'll come over tomorrow to see them off" instead of arguing like you half expected her to she sighed and said "promise to call if you need us before then?" "Yes ma'am" you replied then spotted Kenzie pulling into the parking lot and Alice looking around for you. "Gotta go Ria. Alice and Kenz are giving me a ride home. Give everyone my love and I'll be over for coffee come morning" "Bye sweetie"

\--------------------

You waved as Kenzie and Alice pulled out onto the road before heading into your building. You smiled at Ms Johnson the eldery lady that lived with six poodles on the second floor. "Have a good day?" She asked so you nodded "Yes ma'am" and continued on to the elevator.

You leaned against the wall watching the numbers until it stopped on the third floor then pushed yourself off the wall to step off. The moment you were out the elevator you froze. Billy was leaning against the doorframe of your apartment obviously waiting for you. How the hell did he manage to look like that doing something so mundane? God he looked like he'd just stepped off the cover of one of the magazines plastered around the many stands you passed in a day's time.

"Ria call you?" You asked once you talked your feet into approaching him. He glanced up and a smile tugged at the corner of his lips when he saw you "She may have mentioned you had a bad day but in my defense I was already halfway here when she called me" your eyes narrowed in confusion at his words. You'd originally had plans to go over to the Castles for dinner with Vivian and Jon. How the hell had he known you'd be home? 

Apparently he knew along the lines of what you were thinking because he explained "Curt passed the scene you were working earlier. Figured you'd not be in the mood for a dinner party so I came by to check on you"

"Thanks Billy but you don't have to waste one of your last nights home on me. You and Frank ship out again in ten days now" he stepped out the way to let you unlock your apartment then walked in behind you. "Waste one of my last nights? Spending time with you? How the hell is that a waste?" He asked stepping around you taking your bag off your shoulder in the process.

You watched with a half smile as he walked into your bedroom and laid your bag down next to your dresser then came back out with a grin. "Now how about you sit right there on that couch, we'll order some form of food and see what decent movies we can find to laugh at?" "Billy I'm fine really..you don't have to stay" you tried but he grabbed his chest in mock hurt "Oh come on sweetheart. You're hurting my feelings! Am I unwanted here?" 

For the first time that day a full grin slipped onto your face "You're always wanted here Russo. If you insist on staying you choose the food, I'll choose the movie" he gave you a wink then flopped down on the couch and patted the cushion next to him "That's my girl" 

\--------------------

When the day came for Frank and Billy to leave you were once again standing with Maria and the kids at the airport while your group said your goodbyes to the men. It had become so routine to you that you barely registered that Billy was standing with an arm around you while Frank and Maria had their final moments in each other's arms for the next ten or more months. 

You stepped away from Billy to hug Frank and whispered in his ear "I got Ria and the kids so don't worry about them" "Thank you Y/N" he said softly back before giving you a light squeeze then moving onto the kids for their hugs and goodbyes.

You smiled at Billy who pulled you into a tight hug "I'm gonna miss you. Remember to write me. I'll call and Skype when I can" he spoke into your hair and you nodded enjoying the feel of being tucked against his chest. You could feel the beat of his heart under your cheek and closed your eyes for a moment before saying "Make it back in one piece Russo and bring Frank home safe" he kissed your forehead then stepped back and gave you that smile that always made your heart do a flip "Of course sweetheart. You and Maria aren't getting rid of us that easily"

You stood with an arm around Maria while you both had an arm around one of the kids and watched until the final person stepped onto the plane and it started pulling away from the gate to turn to leave. You always stayed with them the first night after Frank left and this would be no different "so where are we thinking for dinner?" You asked and saw Maria crack a small smile when the kids started listing off several different places at once.

\--------------------

Deployments were something you were by far used to. As an extension of Maria you'd been connected to the Marines as long as she had. From the very first time Frank had to ship out you were right next to her supporting her when he walked onto the plane.

Deployments after getting so close with Billy started feeling different. When he was home there were few days you went without seeing him. You found yourself missing his presence even in small moments. 

You now kept your laptop next to the bed so if he got a chance to Skype and had also downloaded a video chatting app on your phone. There was a shoebox full of letters under your bed that was overflowing from ones you'd kept over the time you'd known him yet you couldn't bring yourself to throw even the simplest letter away.

\--------------------

You were on a twenty four hour shift so you'd just settled into your bunk when you heard the chiming on your phone that was a video call. You picked it up and saw the photo of you,Billy and the kids that always popped up when he called and slid to answer. 

You pushed yourself into a sitting position before his face appeared on the screen. "Hey sweetheart!" He greeted with a smile. You fought back a yawn as you said "Hey Billy" he squinted a bit at the screen then muttered "Shit you're on your bunk meaning I either woke you up or I'm keeping you from catching some sleep on shift"

"Billy it's fine. I just got back from a call so it's not like i was going to be able to go straight to sleep. How are you and Frank?" He still seemed skeptical but said "We're good. Frank is actually on with Maria but the kids are already in bed so I figured I'd see how you were and get out from over his shoulder" "oh so I'm just a second option to the munchkins I see how it is Russo" you teased and got that signature smirk in return "Well the munchkins aren't as distracting as you are. Even in your uniform you're still one of the most beautiful women in New York" 

"One of? She's the most beautiful woman in New York well besides Kenzie" Alice interrupted draping herself across your shoulders from her bunk behind you. 

He rolled his eyes playfully "Alice you have a girlfriend remember?" She shrugged "Your point being? Kenzie agrees with me that it is insane that Y/N here is still single. Like what the hell is wrong with men in New York well women too for that matter. If I hadn't been her partner for this many years and with Kenzie I'd be trying to date her. Anyone that had a chance with her and didn't take it is a damn fool" 

You shook your head at her and gave a gentle shove "Back to your own bunk Hendrixs. You need sleep" she grinned at you "Yes ma'am" then waved at Billy "Bye Russo. Get back in one piece ok?" "Bye Alice keep an eye on her for me"

Once Alice was tucked back into her bunk you turned your attention back to the screen and smiled "She gets weirder the later it gets sorry about that" "no problem. I've been friends with Frankie this many years I'm used to weird" Billy laughed then you heard Frank's voice "I heard that asshole" right before his face appeared next to Billy's "Hey Y/N" 

"Hey Frank. You talk to Maria?" You asked and he nodded "Told me you and Jr blew up a science project in the backyard and you're helping Curt start a soup kitchen for vets on his days off" you smiled then said "Well the science project was a volcano so that explosion was a success and yea it's a slow go but I'm trying to help him with whatever I can" 

"You're a damn super woman Y/N" Frank replied and your smile grew "Anything for my family Frank. You know that" before either of them could say anything you heard a voice call out "Castle! Russo!" And Billy cursed under his breath. "We gotta go sweetheart. Give the kids a hug from me" Frank said and you nodded "Always. Stay safe both of you"

Billy smiled and said "You stay safe too. I'll try to call you in a few days" you managed to say "I'll be waiting" before the screen went black.

You turned around and popped Alice on the forehead "Ow! What the hell?" She groaned even though a grin was playing at her lips. "What was that rant about?" You questioned and she shrugged "I'm sick of seeing you two dance around each other. You're both grown. Russo needs to either make a move or you need to find someone else to be heart eyed over. Figure I could remind him how amazing you are" 

"Me and Billy…" you tried but she quickly interrupted "Are just friends. Yea I've heard that bullshit before. Look you two spend more time together when he's home then most couples i know. He looks at you like a puppy and you're not much better. Way I see it confess feelings now. If he chickens out you have many months to get rebound sex and be over the sting by the time he gets stateside. I love you and I want you happy. Take a chance mami!" You rolled your eyes and laid the phone down on your charging pad next to the bed "You're insane and I'm tired so on that lovely note"

You started to lay down but time your head hit the pillow an alarm rang out about a woman in labor and Alice all but giggled "On that note we're gonna go possibly deliver a baby at two am"

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	8. Chapter 8

A few days turned into two weeks since you had any communication with Billy. You were used to radio silence during Frank's deployments so you really weren't that worried. You had work, the kids, Maria and Curtis to fill your time.

Billy on the other hand found his mind drifting to you whenever he had down time. Alice's teasing has stuck with him. What if you found someone? Someone that could admit how they felt about you? That didn't have a reputation like he did? That didn't start life out as a gutter rat and scraped and clawed just to find some sort of footing. 

You deserved the best. From the first day he met you his interest was perked and that was before he got to know you. 

Over time he'd seen you cry, seen you laugh until you got hiccups. He'd saw the way your face looked illuminated by the first rays of sunlight in the morning. He'd fell asleep with you tucked up next to him either watching movies, by a campfire a few times or just enjoying each other's company. He'd heard your worst fears and your greatest dreams. He'd sat listening as you described lives you'd saved and wouldn't take the compliment of him calling you a hero brushing it off as saying it was just your job. 

Somewhere along the way he'd fallen harder than he ever thought he would for anyone. Whether it was the way you smiled when you would brush his hair back from his face or how you'd gently encourage him to talk about the things that ran through his head instead of bottling them up. He'd seen the way you were always there for Maria when she needed a shoulder, how you jumped in to help Curt with his physical therapy and rehab. You were the most compassionate and caring person he'd ever met and beautiful on top of all that. He truly didn't see how you were still single. 

A small part of him hoped maybe you were waiting on him but then the rest of him was quick to remind himself that how would that be fair to you?

\--------------------

"Bill!" He blinked a few times then turned in his cot to look at Frank "What?" "I've called your name four damn times. What the hell has you all spun up?" Frank asked propping himself up on his elbow. "Nothing man" 

He hoped Frank would let it go at that cause god knows he wasn't exactly feeling all sharing is caring at the moment. "Yea that nothing got a name or should I guess? I'm willing to bet a hundred I'd get it right on the first try" that made him sit up "what you going on about Frankie?" 

He didn't miss the grin that slipped onto Frank's face "Just thinking out loud" "about whatever is on my mind?" Frank shrugged "That and wondering whether or not Y/N went out with that truck lieutenant what's his name" 

"Hunter?" Billy couldn't hide the annoyance he felt at the mention of the guy. He'd been sniffing around you for the last two months before this most recent deployment. He was around Billy's height but that was where the similarities ended. He was blonde, blue eyed and seemed more suited to be surfing the coast in California than working for the NYFD. 

"Yea Maria said he had asked her out the last time I talked to her. Dunno if she agreed or not" he said it nonchalantly on purpose as he turned as if to get comfortable to go to sleep but had to stifle a laugh when a pillow smacked him in the head "The fuck was that for Bill?" He asked chunking the pillow back and slinging his feet around to be facing his friend.

Billy was trying to hold his tongue but he was a bit too annoyed to do so. "You've went two weeks without telling me that? God damn Frankie. What if she went out with him? Fuck man. She deserves better than some pretty boy smoke eater" Frank was grinning by that point despite seeing how much Billy was fuming. "Well damn Bill who'd you have in mind for her?" 

Billy stopped mid rant and actually looked at Frank long enough to realize he'd just let his tongue loosen enough to tell on himself. "How long have you known?" "That you're crazy for her? A while. It's not hard to see to anyone except you and her apparently" 

"Shit. What the hell am I supposed to do?" It was a simple enough question but it made Billy want to flinch at how pathetic he sounded. Fuck he was Billy the beaut. He had women stepping on each other at bars for his attention why the hell was it so difficult to face his feelings for you? "Maybe in two days when communication is back up you call her? Talk to her?" Frank was staring at him now and it took every ounce of self control to not look away. Instead he nodded "Yea I think I need to man up" 

"Attaboy. Now how's about you shut the hell up so I can get some sleep?" Frank said with a grin before flopping back onto his cot which creaked at the sudden movement. "Yea get your beauty sleep Frankie. God knows you need it" Billy barely ducked before Frank's boot zipped over his head.

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You laughed watching Lisa slide around the corner in her socks giggling. She was supposed to be in bed twenty minutes ago but well bedtimes were supposed to be a little relaxed on weekends weren't they?

You'd finally bribed her and Frank Jr with promises of pancakes come morning if they wouldn't give their mom too hard of a time. You felt bad because you hadn't been able to stay over as much as you normally would during a deployment but the station house was a paramedic down so that meant you had to pick up a few more shifts. 

A new girl had been hired and fit in beautifully with the existing team so that meant your schedule could go back to normal. You'd missed Alice as your partner full time and you missed spending as much time with Maria as the kids. 

"Night aunt Y/N!" She called down the stairs and you could hear Maria rounding her up for a reading of "One batch, two batch" so you decided to clean up the kitchen.

You had just finished putting away the last of the dishes when you heard Maria's quiet footsteps coming down the stairs and turned towards her with a smile "Munchkins sleeping?" She nodded "They were both so wound up from the thought of getting to spend an entire weekend with aunt Y/N" 

You grinned and did a mock curtsy "I apologize ma'am" she rolled her eyes at your actions "Grab the wine out the fridge I'll get the glasses" 

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Later the two of you were curled up on the couch watching a movie and you noticed she kept glancing your way so you finally paused the movie and turned to face her pulling your feet up underneath you "Yes Mrs Castle is there something you'd like to share with the class?" 

She shrugged then said "Communication should be back up for the guys soon" you knew her well enough to know her fishing for something tone but chose to let her wade deeper into whatever she was getting at. "Yea. They've been radio silent for two weeks. I wanna make sure Frank's in one piece. If he gets hurt i may just kill him myself" 

"What about Billy?" She asked eyeing you over the brim of her wine glass and you knew what she was getting at. You'd been side stepping it since Hunter had asked you out a few weeks before. He was cute and sweet. A bit of a goofball at times but it was nice. He was genuinely a good guy but you just couldn't see yourself with him. Why? Oh because you were hung up on Billy and the feelings you had unintentionally developed for him.

"Yea I want him to come home in one piece too" you finally admitted and she grinned "Are you two ever gonna realize that you've practically been a couple for nearly a year now without all the fun stuff?" "Ria!!" You nearly hollered then caught yourself remembering the kids were asleep. 

She locked her gaze on you and it was everything you could do to not squirm. "I've known you for many many years Y/N. I've seen you happy, I've seen you sad, I've seen you pissed. The way you look at Billy, how comfortable you are around him hell it even transcends how you are with Frank and Curt and those two consider you a little sister. All I'm saying is that it's apparent he makes you happy and that you make him happy. I can tell and more importantly he talks to Frank or rambles as Frank put it. You two need to take that leap. I think it could be worth the risk"

"And if it's not?" You asked in a quiet voice so she pulled your head over on her shoulder "Then I'll make good on my initial threat to him concerning you" and that mental image alone was enough to make a small laugh escape your lips.

\----------------------

You tried to push Maria's words out your head as you filled the next two days with her and the kids but when Sunday night and you were back in your apartment getting ready for work the following day all your nerves managed to hit at once. 

You were checking over your med bag when the chime starting going off from your laptop alerting you to a video chat request coming through. You sat your bag down next to your dresser and slowly walked over to your bed as if you were approaching a wild animal more than a dell. 

You smiled when you saw Billy's face and self consciously ran a hand through your hair even as you hit the button to accept. A moment later the screen gave way to an image of him smiling back at you "Y/N you're a sight for sore eyes" you bit your cheek to keep the blush from spreading across your face and mentally kicked Maria for getting under your skin before saying "I see you're still in one piece. That's very good news. I assume Frank is too?" 

He grinned "Yes ma'am. Here's across the room talking to Maria and the kids. How are you? Anything new?" "I know now two new disney songs thanks to Lisa and I delivered a baby the same night I talked to you last" you replied with a smile sliding up further on the bed to get comfortable before pulling the computer into your lap.

"Anything else?" He asked with a tilt of his head those dark eyes making you lose any train of thought you may have had. "Um nothing notable" you answered after a moment hoping he hadn't noticed you simply staring at him. Jesus Maria and Alice in your ear had really messed with your head. You'd seen him practically naked due to bad communication of shower times at the cabin before and didn't stare this much ok maybe you did but he hadn't noticed and hell who could blame you? 

"Alice still on you about being single? Cause i hear one of the firemen at your station house asked you out?" He said it like he was asking you what the weather was like but you didn't miss the slight tick in his jaw when he spoke so you decided to test of Maria's theory. If she was right that would be wonderful and if she was wrong well rejection would hurt less with so much distance and another five months between you.

"Oh yeah Hunter asked me out a couple weeks ago. You remember him right he's the truck lieutenant on rescue squad" you tentatively said and could see his jaw clench more. Fighting to keep yourself calm at the proposition of Maria being right you continued "He's a pretty chill guy to work with. He's always so sweet to anyone during calls and he even helps restock the rig if we need anything from the supply closet while we're counting down plus I mean he's not exactly ugly" it was true Hunter was an attractive guy.

You felt your heart jump when Billy cut you off by saying "Well shit if good ol Hunter is so amazing why aren't you off with him instead of wasting time talking to me?" You could see he was about to go into a full blown rant so before he could you confessed "because I'd pick you over any man in New York City any day of the week Russo"

He paused, a smile slowly working it's way onto his face "What'd you say?" "I'd pick talking to you over being with any other man in New York City" you repeated chewing your bottom lip from nerves.

"So I take it you didn't say yes when he asked you out?" He pushed and you shook your head "Told him no. He's a good guy but he's not my type. He was understanding about it" 

You wanted to cry from just how exposed you felt. You were putting a years long friendship on the line not to mention your heart. "Well what is your type then?" You swallowed hard when he asked but figured it was now or never. "Well someone who's brave, who doesn't mind fighting for what he believes in. Handsome and knows it, a bit cocky about his looks at times but still a sweetheart deep down. Someone who would hold me for hours after a bad call and make sure I wasn't alone even if I insisted I was ok" 

Your gaze fell to your hands as you felt a blush warm your cheeks. Several seconds passed during which you wanted to find a hole to climb into before he spoke again "Sounds like you've got a pretty solid idea of who you want" you nodded still not looking at the screen until he added "Well I'm sure you'd be interested to know I've already met who I want to be with too"

Your eyes flew up to the screen and your heart felt like it was on the verge of either exploding or crumbling and which one rested solely on the next words to come out his mouth "Tell me about her?" You asked quietly and he smiled softly "She's beautiful god the first day I met her she knocked the wind out of me with just how gorgeous she looked in shorts and an old t-shirt. She's braver than some of the men I serve with hell you gotta be running head first into situations like she does to try to help people. She jumped in feet first to be a surrogate parent to Frankie's kids when he can't be there. She backs those she loves with everything she has and would go through hell for anyone she considers family. Not to mention she is fucking adorable when she falls asleep leaning over on me"

You were fighting back tears of relief by that point. For so long you dreamed of Billy saying those things, of him wanting to be with you and now here he was saying it "Did she finally figure out how I feel?" He asked after a moment and you nodded "Yea she did" "So does that mean we're gonna give this a try? I've never really been a relationship type of guy but Y/N sweetheart I wanna be for you if you'll have me" you almost laughed at the honest look of uncertainty on Billy's face. You'd never really seen it on him before.

"Yea Billy I want you. I've wanted you for so long I just didn't want to fuck up the friendship we have" it felt like a weight had been lifted off your chest just saying those words. "Why have we both waited this long to tell each other?" He asked with a broad smile.

"Cause you're both idiots" Frank answered walking up behind Billy and giving him a playful shove then winked at the laptop "Y/N good to see you kid" "Hey Frank. You doing good?" You responded wiping your hand down your face. "Yea I'm good. I talked to Maria and the kids so I'm great. Tell me one thing though did you and Bill get on the same page cause I'm tired of watching a grown man pining over someone. It's kind of pathetic but pretty funny when it comes down to it"

For only like the third time since you met him you saw a blush spread across Billy's face before he said "Ok Frankie your time is up. Go call Curt and annoy him" then shoved him out of view of the screen. You tried and failed to stifle a laugh "Wait I want Frank back! I wanna hear about you pining over me. Come on Billy if you're gonna be with me the least you can do is give me a confidence boost" you teased.

He rolled his eyes then met your gaze with a look that made your stomach flip with unspoken promises "Oh sweetheart I'll do anything you want once I'm home but yes for your peace of mind I was a bit bitchy thinking about you with that damn fireman" 

"Hunter" you supplied the name and he wrinkled up his nose like he smelled something foul "Yea him. But now I know you feel the same way about me. Hell for the first time I've got someone to come home to" "On one condition" you added and saw a look of confusion go through his eyes "which is?" "I get a kiss the moment you get to my side" you answered and the look you got in response was enough to make you bite your bottom lip but not from nerves this time "Where do you want that kiss?" He asked and you had to swallow hard for a moan to not escape you. "Billy Russo. You're supposed to wine and dine me before you try to seduce me"

He shrugged "I've still got a few months before that so why not get a head start on the seducing part" you shook your head but couldn't keep the smile off your face. Billy really did want you and now it was just the wait to get him home.

  
  



	9. Chapter 9

"Ria? Can I admit something?" You spoke quietly keeping your eyes glued to the cup of coffee in front of you. It was a rare morning that you had off and she had free. The kids were at school so that left you and her time to talk without little ears around to hear everything.

"You know you can Y/N" she replied eyeing you carefully as you sat your cup down then finally met her eyes "I'm nervous about when Billy gets back stateside" just saying the words felt like a weight off your shoulders. By then she'd sat her cup down and was staring at you like you'd grown a second head "and why is that?" You felt heat work it's way up your neck while you squirmed under her intense gaze. You didn't know why the thought of sex with Billy made you blush. Hell you by far wasn't a virgin and neither was he. A part of you wondered if maybe it was the fear that you weren't exactly the type of woman you'd seen him take home in the past. You were pretty much the polar opposite.

Maria knew you well enough that you didn't have to give voice to your worries. Your face told her everything she needed to know. "Oh. You still don't get the fact that he's crazy about you. I know you've had your fair share of problems with some of your exes. Hell I've talked Frank out of killing a few but and I say this as the woman who was raised with you at my heel Billy truly does care about you. You're closer with him than I've ever seen you be with a man. He's wanted you for a while he just didn't want you or me and Frank thinking he was just after sex. If you're worried about him wanting to go straight to that I wouldn't because he's more than likely going to wait until you make the first move"

"That's the problem. He flirts like crazy when we talk or video chat but I'm worried when he gets back he'll want me to make the first move and dammit he's a lot better at making moves than I am" you knew you were rambling but with Maria she was more than used to it. A smile slipped on her face "Oh you're asking the old married lady about how to seduce your marine"

A laugh of relief slipped through your lips. You didn't know why you'd been so nervous about talking to her of all people. Hell she was who you'd went to when you lost your virginity. "Pretty much" you admitted and she laughed "Well option one is to go shopping and get a sexy outfit then plan a whole night once he's home" you nodded but also knew Billy wanted to plan your first date "option two?" You asked and she raised an eyebrow with her mischievous grin "Option two is we still go shopping but considering Billy's seen you partially naked that time at the cabin we hit the lingerie store. Get something you feel and look amazing in then send him a photo or two. Reminds him what he's coming home to and gives him a green light already that you got that outfit for him and him only"

"I like option two" you finally said with a smile. She grabbed your coffee mug and replied "In that case we need to get to the mall"

\---------------------

"Frankie man I'm telling you. I got to think of something good for our first date. Y/N deserves it" Billy was propped up on one arm leaned back across his cot. He glanced over at the photo of you and the kids he kept next to it. He didn't have a lot of personal items but since the two of you had decided to make a go of things when he got home you'd sent some photos and he made sure to keep them all close. The only one he'd put visible to anyone else had Lisa and Frank Jr in it.

"Keep it simple Bill. She's been a part of your life for this long you know her. She doesn't have expensive taste. She'd much rather something she knew you actually put thought into" Frank replied sitting up when Michaels walked in with a stack of mail "Castle, Russo. Mail"

He plopped a few envelopes down at Frank's feet and one at Billy's. Frank grabbed up his first envelope so Billy picked up the one from you feeling a smile slip onto his face just from seeing your handwriting. He tore it open and saw there were photos enclosed again but this time they were wrapped up in a sheet of paper that read "Only for your eyes" he sat them next to him and read over the letter.

You told him about work, Maria and the kids, how you had been getting together with Curtis at least once a week just to check in. You also told him how much you missed him and how you couldn't wait until he got home so he could make good on all the promises he'd made over the countless video chats and calls between the two of you since you'd decided to become official.

His smile had turned into a full blown grin by the time he got to the end of the letter where you had signed "Stay safe and make it home to me"

"Well looks like you liked whatever Y/N had to say" Frank spoke glancing up from his own letter to see Billy grinning like an idiot.

"Yeah" was the short answer he got before Billy turned his attention to whatever photos you'd deemed for his eyes only. He unfolded the paper and his jaw dropped at the very first photo. It was you in a black lingerie set. The bra and panties were mostly lace showing just enough to be extremely fucking sexy but still classy enough to suit you. "Jesus" he breathed under his breath flipping to the next one that showed a different angle that made him have to take a deep breath and remind himself he still had weeks before he would get to see you in person. 

On the back of the second photo you'd written "I hope you like this set. I bought it to wear for you when you get home" he was still staring at it lost in just how absolutely gorgeous you were. It was still hard for him to believe you'd really decided to give him a chance. He didn't realize Stevenson's ass had walked up close enough to see the photos over his shoulder until he let out a low whistle "Damn Russo who the hell is that?"

"Back off" Billy warned once moving to store the photos in his jacket pocket so whenever he'd be moving out they would be with him but of course Stevenson couldn't let it go. "C'mon man who's the girl? Little thick for my taste but bet she's hell in the sack ain't she?" "Man I'm telling you shut the fuck up" Frank spoke up getting to his feet because he knew what was coming next.

Billy tried to ignore Stevenson, he really did but when he said "Bet some Jody is enjoying the hell out of her" that was the breaking point. Billy had him down and had already drawn blood before Frank could attempt to drag him off. "Bill let him up man you're gonna kill him!"

Stevenson scrambled to his feet holding his bloodied nose "Jesus Christ I was just fucking with you!" Billy lunged for him again so Frank gave Stevenson a look "You went too far and got your ass handed to you. Now get the hell out this tent and let him cool down. That's an order"

\---------------------

Frank even gave Billy some breathing room. He'd never seen him react like that. Hell he'd fucked with guys about their girls before too.

After about half an hour he walked over and kicked Billy's boot to get his attention. "I know I lost my temper Frankie" was all he said which honestly made Frank laugh "Kid got a broke nose. He'll fucking live. You on the other hand need to get your ass up and go call Y/N. I can see those wheels turning in your head and it's gonna bug ya"

Billy nodded slowly. Frank was right he was thinking about what Stevenson had said and that wasn't fair to you but he needed to hear your voice. A fucking deployment had never felt so long as this one and he knew it was the fact that he knew you were waiting on him and as more than a best friend this time.

He stood to call you then remembered the time difference "It's two in the morning there" Frank shook his head "she's answered you at three in the morning and that was before all this. She'll answer"

\----------------------

You heard the phone ringing through a fog of sleep and glanced at the time. It was a little after two in the morning. Your thoughts immediately went to either something being wrong with Maria and the kids or Curtis. You fumbled for the phone before finally finding it in the dark and seeing Billy's name flash across the screen.

You answered as you pushed yourself up to a sitting position in the bed "Hey Billy. I didn't know if you'd have a chance to call me" you knew he could hear the sleep in your voice so you rubbed at your eyes in an attempt to wake up enough. "I just needed to hear your voice sweetheart" your stomach dropped a little at how he sounded. Your letter should've gotten to him by then but if it had he apparently hadn't liked it.

"I'm glad you called I miss you" you bit your lip nervously until he let out a long breath then said "You have no idea how much I miss you. I got your letter" you swallowed hard before working up the nerve to say "Did you like it?" "Oh I loved it" he replied but you knew him well enough to hear in his voice that something was off. "Billy talk to me. I know you, remember?"

After a pause he finally admitted "One of the guys might have seen a bit of one of your pictures and said some shit that got next to me" your mind immediately went to the fact that maybe they'd pointed out you weren't his usual type. Hell maybe he'd finally figured it out. "What did they say?" You asked once you'd braced yourself for whatever reply may come.

"That some Jody was enjoying you" you bit back a laugh at that. For one you had been around them long enough to know just what a Jody was and that idea was ridiculous to you then for two you knew for a fact Billy had joked around that harshly with some of the guys in the past "Billy did you hurt him?" You questioned worried simply that you sending the photos had somehow resulted in Billy getting in trouble. "I broke his nose. He'll fucking live. Hell may help his looks considering"

"Billy I'm asking this as your long time friend more than as your girlfriend. Haven't you said some stuff along that line in the past?" Another long pause happened before he said "Yeah and believe me I regret it now. He just had no right saying shit about you and it made me see red a little" you were smiling wide enough you were afraid it may end up hurting your cheeks "Thank you for defending my honor baby"

It wasn't until Billy said "Baby huh?" That you realized you had called him that. "Shit Billy I'm sorry it slipped out" he chuckled at your apology "No I like it. God I can't wait to get home and take you on an actual date. Well and to see you wear that black set" "betting on getting lucky Russo?" You teased and could practically hear the smirk in his voice "I've waited this long thinking about it. Waiting a bit once I get home so I can wine and dine you properly won't kill me"

"And if I don't want to wait that long once you're home? What would you think about me?" You asked and he laughed in that way that always made you feel warmth down to the pit of your stomach. God it you could wrap yourself up in his laugh. "I would think that I'm the luckiest man alive. However you want this to go once I'm back is how it's gonna go. I'm taking your lead"

"Nice to know" you replied not trying to hide how happy his response had made you. You heard Frank say "Tell Y/N I said hey then finish up man" before Billy could relay the message you said "Tell him I said hey. I'll talk to you later Billy. We're on the down slope now at least" "Can't come fast enough. I'll let you get back to sleep sweetheart. Goodnight" "Bye Billy"

  
  
  
  
  
  



	10. Chapter 10

"Aunt Y/N are you ok?" You smiled down at Lisa "Yeah sweetie. Why did you ask me that?" She pointed to your foot "You haven't stopped tapping your foot since we got here" you felt a blush warm your face at your niece of all people calling you out. Maria turned around and grinned at you before saying "Aunt Y/N is fine baby"

Frank Jr grabbed your free hand and squeezed it "Is it all the people? It always makes me nervous too" you smiled at him trying to soothe you "Yeah buddy. It's just a really big crowd here today"

The truth was the crowd, the noise. All of it was the furthest thing from your mind. It may have well only been you, Maria and the kids standing in the airport for all you cared. In the next few moments Frank and Billy would be stepping off that plane. You'd welcomed them both home so many times but this was different. You didn't know what to expect. A part of you wanted to run to him the moment he came into sight but a part of you wanted him to come to you.

\--------------------

"Here they come Y/N" Maria announced drawing your attention to the slew of uniforms headed towards the front of the airport. You knew Billy hated the clapping and the "Thank you for your service" they always got. Hell Frank took it with a tight nod to whoever was saying it.

Your eyes scanned the crowd knowing the two of them would be together and after this long you would be able to spot them anywhere. Your eyes locked onto Billy at the same moment he spotted you and a wide smile spread across his face. "What are you waiting for? Go welcome your marine home" Maria said giving you a light shove.

You took a few tentative steps towards them and saw Billy drop his bags to meet you halfway then you ran the final few feet into his arms. "God I've missed you" he breathed into your neck as he picked you up off the ground holding you tight against his chest. For the first time you allowed yourself to feel every emotion that came along with being in his arms. "I've missed you too" you confessed wrapping your arms around his neck.

When he placed you back on your feet the smile he gave you made your knees feel weak "I really want to kiss you sweetheart" "Then do it" you replied with a smile of your own. When his lips met yours it was like a jolt of electricity went through your body. You'd never believed Maria about all the fireworks the first time she kissed Frank but in that moment you understood.

You let out a light sigh pulling him down closer to you to deepen the kiss as he slid his tongue into your mouth rolling it against yours. You forgot about everyone and everything in that moment besides how it felt to finally be kissing him. Or you forgot until Lisa let out an excited yelp "I KNEW YOU LIKED AUNT Y/N!"

Billy pulled away from you with a guilty smile spread across his face but slid an arm around your waist as he turned to face her. Yeah you did Lis. I should've listened then"

Frank cleared his throat and when you cut your eyes up at him he was all before laughing "Now that the two of you are no longer playing tonsil hockey in the middle of the airport I'd like to get something to eat followed by a hot shower and at least eight hours of sleep" "eight? I was thinking ten or twelve" Billy added kissing your cheek before all of you headed outside.

\--------------------

All of you ended up back at the Castles splitting pizza. You helped Maria get the kids settled for bed then came back in the living room to find Frank and Billy both drifting off on the couch.

"Fellas neither of you have gotten the hot shower you wanted" you reminded and they both roused up yawning "Yeah and no offense to the couch here but I'd rather sleep in a bed tonight" Billy agreed grabbing his bag from the floor.

Frank pulled you into a hug and half mumbled "See you tomorrow kid. I'm gonna go grab a shower and hit the hay" "Night Frank"

Him and Billy said their good nights while you spoke to Maria. "Headed home?" She asked and you nodded "Yes ma'am. I'm off today and tomorrow then I work back to back shifts then I'm off Friday and Saturday and don't go in until the over night shift on Sunday" she pulled you into a hug and whispered into your ear "are you calmer now?" You nodded so she smiled then added in a normal tone "Billy I expect you to make sure she gets home ok?"

He hugged her and said "You know I'd never let anything happen to her Maria"

\--------------------

You and Billy ended up taking a cab back to your building. A part of you always wondered if you should get a car but this was New York City most of the people you knew that didn't have kids just walked or took cabs.

You paid the driver earning a look from Billy who mumbled "Sweetheart I was going to do that" you shrugged innocently "Habit?" 

You smiled when he slid an arm around your waist after he climbed out behind you "I forgive you but since you're off Friday I'm claiming that night for our first actual date" you turned to look at him as the two of you walked through the door of your building "should I be worried?" He grinned in response making your heart do a flip.

\--------------------

It wasn't until you were stepping off the elevator that it occured to you that Billy was fucking exhausted and his apartment was another four and a half blocks away

"Um Billy if I mean you don't have to but if you want to just stay here tonight you're welcomed" you tried not to stumble your words because it by far wouldn't be the first night the two of you shared a bed or couch or hell even hammock for that matter.

"Depends" he spoke following you into your apartment and dropping his bags by the door. You laid your keys and bag down then turned to face him not realizing he was close enough that turning put you nearly flush against him.

"Depends on what?" You asked bracing your hands on his chest to keep your balance. He pulled you closer a smile pulling at his lips "Do I get to sleep in the bed with you?" "If you want" you teased only for him to pull you into another kiss. This kiss wasn't as urgent and rushed as the one at the airport. This was a lingering kiss full of want and need but also the feelings both of you had buried for so long finally being allowed the light of day.

When he pulled away and rested his forehead against yours both of you were breathing heavier than before. He closed his eyes and swallowed twice before finally saying "God I wish I wasn't this tired" you felt a warmth flood through you at his words. He really did want you as much as you wanted him. "We have time Billy. Go get a shower then I'll grab one and we can go to sleep"

\--------------------

When you walked out the bathroom you were brushing your hair and smiled when you saw Billy sprawled across the bed. His long legs spread out before him clothed in only the sweatpants he'd left at your place before his last deployment. He had one arm draped over his eyes. You allowed yourself the moment to take in the sight of the man you cared so much about. Every scar that littered his bare chest you knew the story behind including one that you'd inadvertently caused with a paintball a few years back.

You had the biggest urge to run your fingers across them but didn't want to wake him up so you simply slid into bed turning on your side with your back to him. You felt the mattress dip right before Billy's arm slid around your waist pulling you so your back was tight against his chest "This ok with you?" He breathed against your neck his voice heavy with sleep and the warmth of air on your bare skin making you have to resist the urge to squirm. "More than ok" you whispered and weren't sure he'd heard you until he chuckled lightly "good. Let's get some sleep"

\--------------------

Billy woke up before you. He glared at the curtains that were cracked just enough for one stream of sunlight to sneak in. One glance at the clock told him he'd somehow managed to keep you in bed longer than he'd ever known of you sleeping. It was a few minutes shy of ten in the morning yet you were still curled up fast asleep.

He smiled at seeing you so peaceful in his arms. You were gorgeous all the time but now? He'd never dreamt of anyone like you. Being your friend had been the biggest blessing and now you were giving him a chance. You were handing your heart over and trusting him not to break it. Your words from the night before found him again "We have time Billy"

Every other time he'd hit stateside he'd look forward to spending time with you. When he'd leave he'd miss you like crazy and now he was allowed to finally show you just how much you meant to him. As if you could hear some of his thoughts a small smile slipped onto your face "It's not polite to stare Russo"

"Well don't be so beautiful then maybe I won't" he replied moving his arm so you could turn around to face him. You yawned then glanced over your shoulder at the clock "Damn this is the longest I've slept in a while" he didn't try to stop the smirk that was pulling at his lips "Well maybe you just needed me here with you" "maybe" you agreed your eyes never leaving his.

He moved his hand up to brush your hair out your face noticing how your eyes closed just for a second at the contact. He kept his hand on the side of your face then moved it down to grip your jaw gently. When he moved to catch your lips in a kiss you met him halfway.

He groaned when you licked into his mouth taking control of the kiss. He moved his hands down to grip your hips then flipped to be on his back pulling you on top of him. You gasped at the sudden movement bracing your hands against his chest. "Billy" hearing his name come from you spoken like that was enough to make him harden under you.

You rolled your hips as you kissed him and it was everything he could do to not thrust up to meet the movement. You moved from his mouth to his neck leaving kisses along his jaw. When you just barely grazed his earlobe with your teeth he grabbed your hips a bit harder than he meant to. "Y/N you've got to stop sweetheart"

Every emotion from confusion to hurt crossed your face in a few seconds time. "Did I do something wrong?" That made his chest ache. Did you not know just how badly he wanted to push those little sleep shorts you had on off your hips and bury himself inside of you? You meant more to him than a physical release. He had to make sure you knew he was serious about the chance you'd given him.

He quickly shook his head holding you in place even when you tried to move off him "Hell no. Look I want to. Fuck I want to but I promised myself I'd at the very least take you on an actual date before I had sex with you. You deserve to be treated like the amazing woman you are. I just want this to be something more than either of us have had in the past"

You were quiet for a few seconds and he was afraid you'd taken what he said wrong but after a moment you nodded then smiled "I want that too Billy" when you climbed off him he was still worried until you grabbed his hand and said "Now come make out with your girlfriend while I wait on my coffee to make"

\--------------------

When the two of you finally made it to Frank and Maria's that evening Curtis was the one who opened the door when you knocked. "Hey Curt" you greeted with a smile and he pulled you into a hug.

When Billy walked in behind you Curtis pulled away and winked at you before saying "I can still hug her right?" "Depends you gonna say hello to me too?" Billy joked pulling Curt into a one armed hug.

Before anyone could say anything else you heard footsteps a moment before Lisa, Frank Jr and Maria walked around the corner. "Uncle Curt did you know aunt Y/N is uncle Billy's girlfriend now?" Lisa asked and Maria laughed "Why don't you kids go play?"

When they ran off she glanced between Curtis and Billy "Frank's out back" "Curtis nodded and headed that way but Billy made sure to kiss your cheek before following.

\------------------

The moment they were out of earshot Maria raised an eyebrow at you "What have you two been up to?" You rolled your eyes and started not to answer her but the two of you had no secrets you'd known about Lisa before Frank had "We slept in until ten. He wants to take me out on an actual date Friday"

She giggled and looped her arm through yours "Let's get some wine then discuss what outfit and what lingerie you should wear because if you two haven't by then date night always ends up that way"

\--------------------

You knew that despite their demeanour it always took the guys a few days to fully get home and even longer to start to adjust back. Hell there was times that they would barely get over the war jetlag before deploying again. Being together and with Curtis helped them a lot. You'd helped Billy through many sleepless nights over the years. He'd needed you so you were there.

Seeing him laughing with Frank and Curtis around the grill made your heart do a flip.You understood why he had hit the brakes when things started to get heated. He needed time to get home fully and he wanted to actually take you out. Knowing that he was trying his best to prove he was a better man than you'd ever been with made you want him even more.

If only he knew you'd always known he was a better man. That was why your last few relationships hadn't worked out. You'd compared them to him every time and no one could measure up 

You were talking to Maria about your shift the following day while the two of you watched the kids roast marshmallows. You hadn't realized Billy had moved until he leaned down over you for a kiss. You met his lips halfway smiling against them "What was that for?" You asked as he turned to walk back across the yard. He glanced back with a smirk and shrugged "You just looked like you needed to be kissed"


	11. Chapter 11

Where were the fucking gauze pads you needed? You were currently in the stock room trying to collect everything you needed for the resupply of the rig but couldn't find the four by four pads. You were on your tip toes trying to reach a box on the top shelf when you heard Alice calling your name.

"In here dear!" You hollered still trying to reach the box. You felt someone step up behind you a half second before Billy reached over your head grabbing the box and causing a surprised squeak to escape your lips. He raised an eyebrow at you before offering the box "What the hell kind of noise was that Y/N?" You took the box and swatted playfully at his chest "The kind where my boyfriend scares me by reaching over my head when I thought I was alone. It's eerie at times just how quiet you can move"

The small smile he had spread into a deep smirk "I'm sorry sweetheart. Will a kiss make you forgive me?" You pretended to think about it for a moment only for him to lean down and press a quick kiss to your lips. When he pulled back you laughed "Oh that was not a kiss"

He took the boxes out of your hands and sat them on a shelf behind him then turned back to you. When his hands went to your hips pulling you flush against him you gasped lightly. He leaned down and gently brushed his lips against yours. You slid your arms up around his neck trailing fingers up into the hair at the base of his neck giving it a light tug and he groaned into your mouth. You licked into his mouth and felt his grip tighten on your hips. When you rolled your tongue against his tugging at his hair again he moaned lightly and you'd never been more turned on.

Before anything heated enough to cost you your job could happen you heard Hunter say "Yo Y/N you good in here?" Right before the door opened causing you and Billy to quickly separate. "Oh shit my bad" he muttered shutting the door back quicker than he'd opened it.

Billy pressed his forehead against yours for a second before letting out a deep chuckle. You stepped far enough back to look up at him like he'd gone insane "What part of getting caught making out in the storage room of my job is so funny?" He shrugged and motioned towards the door "at least he knowns you're spoken for now and his timing was good. I only have so much will power to hold out until our date tomorrow night and I was seriously thinking about seeing how noise proof this room is"

"Well I mean we have my apartment which is closer and we have yours too" you offered with a smile. He shook his head and grabbed the boxes from behind him "Alice is probably looking for these considering the two of you get off in a half hour" "Yeah yeah" you took the boxes and walked out ignoring the wolf whistles from the few firefighters that were in the hall.

Billy had an almost proud look when he slid his arm around your waist as the two of you headed out to the bays.

\-------------------------

Once you and Alice were done restocking the rig both of you headed inside to grab yours bags out the locker room. Billy told you he'd wait outside for you.

You followed Alice down the hall counting off the seconds in your head before she cracked up laughing "Damn girl. Groping in the supply closet?" You bit your cheek to stop the blush from spreading across your face "Hey I've waited this long I'm taking every chance to grope him. I don't know when he'll have to deploy again. You know how it's always been with him and Frank"

She headed for her locker so you stopped in front of yours. You grabbed your med bag and duffel waiting on her to gather her things. You heard her phone chime and she glanced down at it then said "Kenzie is on her way. See you Sunday?" You held out a fist and she bumped it with her own "See ya sunday"

\--------------------

You slung your bags up on your shoulder and followed her out. You saw her head towards the street where Kenzie's car was just pulling up so you headed for the bays.

You stopped when you saw Billy was talking to Hunter. You were worried for a moment until you took note of Billy's posture. He wasn't tense at all. You'd seen Billy annoyed and down right pissed. The best way to describe it was almost panther like, a tightly coiled spring waiting to strike.

Billy's shoulders were relaxed and he appeared to have a smile on his face. When you made your presence known both men turned towards you with a smile. Billy pressed a kiss to your cheek before taking both of your bags to carry. "Ready to go?" He asked and you nodded "Yup"

You glanced at Hunter and smiled "See ya Sunday?" He nodded "I'll be around" and when you and Billy started to walk off he added "Nice meeting you by the way" Billy glanced back and slid his arm around you before saying "Nice meeting you"

\--------------------

When you walked into your apartment Billy automatically sat your bags down where you always put them then turned to face you. "So me and Frank got a call today" the worse case scenario popped into your head "Oh hell no. I swear I will fight the entire corp. You literally just got home! We haven't had our date yet. Lisa's birthday is saturday and it's the first one you and Frank have been home for in two years!"

To stop your rambling he quickly crossed the room stealing your words with a kiss. When he finally pulled away you blinked at him slowly and he smiled "We don't deploy again for another three months. We have time. I just wanted to tell you as soon as I found out"

You leaned your head over on his chest inhaling the familiar scent that was just so achingly him. "Thank god" you breathed. Three months still wasn't too long but the thought of him leaving after just a few days had made you panic. He hugged you close to him and pressed a kiss to your forehead. "So you're gonna fight the entire corp? All five foot five of you?" You could hear the smile in his voice. "Bite me Billy" you didn't try to lift your head or move you just wanted him to hold you for a minute.

When you finally pulled away he was smiling "So I guess I better get going since I'm meeting Curt in the morning and you're supposed to go shopping with Maria and the munchkins" "Yeah I guess so" you agreed but neither of you had moved. 

You hadn't been able to spend too much time together the last couple days due to your shifts and him trying to catch up with Curt. After finding out he was leaving again in three months call you selfish or not you wanted as much time as you could get with him. "I'll see you tomorrow I guess?" You finally managed to say so he pulled you into a quick kiss that was chaste compared to the storage room. He leaned back and met your eyes before saying "I'll call you in the morning and if me, Curt and Frank are where we can we'll come join all of you for lunch at the mall tomorrow"

You nodded and forced a smile to your face. You didn't want him to leave but hell he had spent the first few nights home with you even though you were both trying to hold off on letting things go further quite yet. "Night Billy" he placed another gentle kiss on your lips then said "Goodnight sweetheart"

\--------------------

Unfortunately for you since that first night you'd slept with Billy's arms around you there had been an apparent discovery that you had just thought you liked sleeping alone.

Even after he called once he got home and the two of you talked for the better part of an hour you found it hard to fall asleep. You ended up finally falling asleep after you turned some light music on to fill the quiet of your room.

The next morning when your alarm went off you glared at it for a few seconds then remembered you had a day full of Maria, Lisa and Frank Jr to look forward to. That meant clothes shopping with the girls and sneaking Frank Jr to the video game store somewhere along the line.

You kicked off your blanket and headed for the kitchen. Coffee was needed before your day could attempt to start.

\--------------------

You were well caffeinated and dressed in a pair of your most comfortable jeans and the Marine Corp shirt you'd long since stole from Frank. Considering you were chasing kids around a mall comfort was key. You did do your makeup lightly and pulled your hair back in a clip. Cute enough but comfy. 

You had even talked to Billy. Him, Frank and Curt were meeting somewhere for breakfast and were gonna meet up with some buddies of theirs that were passing through town. He reminded you that regardless of lunch or not that he'd be over at seven to pick you up for your date. Your stomach flipped at the reminder as you promised you'd be ready.

You were gathering your keys and phone into your purse when your phone went off with a text from Maria "Downstairs" you quickly sent back a response that you were on the way then headed down to meet them.

Maria's van was parked right in front of your building and the moment you climbed in the passenger seat she smiled "Ready?" You glanced back at the kids and winked "Always"

\--------------------

You and Frank Jr were looking around the store the two of you had left Lisa and Maria in. "Do you see your mom or sister?" You asked and he shrugged "I don't know aunt Y/N let's go back to the video game store" you held up the bag in your hand with a laugh "We got you two games and your sister one! Any more and your mom's going to want to string me up"

He rolled his eyes and said "No she won't. She loves you too much" you spotted Maria about that time so you put your arm around his shoulder and pointed him in that direction before saying "I'm glad because if she strung me up god knows I'd miss you and your sister so much I'd annoy the heck out of whoever is on the other side"

"They'd kick you out for bad behavior aunt Y/N" he agreed laughing as Maria spotted you so she and Lisa made their way over. "What are you two laughing about?" Maria asked so Frank Jr grinned "Aunt Y/N getting kicked out either heaven or hell for annoying them"

Maria looked between the two of you with a serious expression for several long seconds before she and Lisa both cracked up laughing. "And on that lovely note c'mon. We found the sales!"

\--------------------

Billy texted you around lunch time letting you him, Frank and Curt weren't going to be able to meet you but that he'd see you later that evening. You weren't too upset you'd be seeing him later plus you had three of your other favorite people in the world right there with you.

You and Maria had long since had the habit of getting sampler dishes from every place in the food court and that would be your lunch. Once the kids got old enough they ended up loving the different choices as well so that was what you always did whenever you were at the mall with them.

"Eww Frankie! Orange chicken on sausage pizza?!" You curled up your nose at your nephews taste. He held it out "Want a bite?" "Naw buddy I'm good" you replied and Lisa added "She likes normal food you little weirdo"

"Don't call your brother a weirdo Lis" you told her with a wink so she knew you weren't getting onto her as much as keeping the peace "Sorry" she told him then snatched a piece of the chicken off his slice and popped it into her mouth.

Maria smiled at her kids then turned her attention to you "So are you ready for tonight?" She asked in a low voice so the kids wouldn't hear her. Their attention were currently on the handheld games you'd bought them. You nodded slowly before admitting "I think?" She laughed and patted your hand "You'll be fine honey"

\--------------------

By the time Maria dropped you off it was nearly four. You hugged her and the kids then reminded her that you'd be over around ten the next morning to help start prepping for Lisa's birthday party. "What'd you get me?" Lisa asked eyeing the bag you'd tied up then stuck in your purse. "Nu uh little miss. No peeking. You'll see tomorrow"

You waved goodbye as they pulled off then headed inside. Your plan was to take a long hot shower to help soothe your nerves. Either this night would go really well for you and Billy or this would officially be the shortest relationship you'd ever had and one of the most important friendships you had ruined for nothing. No pressure at all.

\---------------------

At quarter till you were doing a once over of your appearance in the mirror of your bathroom. You'd chosen a pair of strappy black sandals that had just a slight heel but were comfortable to walk in, a white dress that was cut to give just enough of a glimpse of cleavage and stopped just above your knee then you'd pulled your cropped leather jacket out to wear over it. You'd left your hair down loose around your shoulders and all in all you felt pretty damn good.

You heard a knock at the door and figured it was Billy so you headed into the living room. The moment you opened the door he stopped mid word and let his eyes rake across your figure. You could feel heat flood throughout your body just from that look. A smile slipped onto his face "Fuck you look beautiful Y/N"

You smiled in return then noticed the flowers in his hand "Are those for me Billy?" He seemed to have just remembered them then held them up "Oh yeah. I um wanted to get you roses but sunflowers are your favorite so I settled for both" you took them from him and felt your eyes widen. They were gorgeous. The bright yellow sunflower fit beautifully with the almost blood red roses.

"Thank you Billy" you said with a smile then stepped back to let him in "um just give me a minute and I'll put them in water right quick"

\----------------------------

He followed you into the kitchen and watched you put the flowers in a tall cup then fill it with water. "I don't have a vase but I think that'll work" you had your back to him but weren't surprised when he slid his arms around your waist "They look good" you leaned into his touch smiling when his lips barely skimmed your neck "So please tell me it's no where fancy" you finally said and felt his laugh vibrate through your neck "I know you and i know what you like so trust me ok?"

You turned in his arms and smiled up at him when he repositioned to have his hands leaning on the counter on either side of you "I've trusted you for years and you haven't proved me wrong yet" his eyes flicked down to your lips then back up to your face. You raised an eyebrow when he met your eyes "You can kiss me Billy. You don't have to ask each time" that was all he needed. His lips locked onto yours in a searing kiss.

You let out a moan when he pressed his body into yours effectively trapping you between him and the counter. His tongue flicked into your mouth exploring freely and he let one hand snake just under the hem of your dress before breaking away from your mouth to let his lips skim your neck again "Let's get going or I may forget wanting to take you on a date"

You nodded breathlessly "Lead the way Russo"

\-----------------------------

He wouldn't tell you where you were headed when you got in the cab. He simply put his arm around you and promised "You'll like it"

When the cab pulled to a stop at the water front you cut your eyes at Billy who gave you an almost nervous smile.

You slid out first then Billy climbed out behind you and grabbed your hand. You walked along next to him until you spotted a taco truck a few yards away and cracked a smile when you saw one of the tables near where it was parked was set up with chilled wine, plates and candles. "Is that the same taco truck you bought me to after my brother tried tracking me down and you spent the day with me to get me in a better mood?" You asked and he shrugged "Possibly so do you like it?" You kissed his cheek then said "I love it"

\--------------------

You were sitting across from Billy trying not to laugh. You'd known him for so long every little tell of his was easy for you to spot. "Billy are you nervous baby?" He glanced up from his wine glass and smiled "Me nervous? Never"

"Uh huh" you were picking at the rest of the food. It was a delicious meal but your stomach was fluttering a bit and Billy acting off wasn't helping. He sat his glass down and you cut your eyes up at him "Honestly? I just want this to be the best first date you've ever had. You deserve the best"

"Billy I'm with you. It couldn't be any better but if we're honest this isn't really our first date just the first official one" "You're right" he agreed and reached across the table to grab your hand "Have I told you how gorgeous you are?" You laughed then said "a time or two but feel free to continue"

A small rumble of thunder echoed across the sky and when Billy looked up to see if lightning was accompanying it his hand hit his wine glass which tilted sideways and ended up pouring directly into your lap before you could move away "Shit..I am soo sorry" he apologized grabbing napkins to dab at the wet spot on your dress but by then you were laughing "Billy! My dry cleaner gets blood out my uniforms. Wine isn't a big deal"

He dropped his head for just a moment and you saw his shoulders start to shake with laughter "Wanna get out of here?" He asked and you nodded. He quickly walked over and paid the taco truck driver then came back and grabbed your hand "Are we walking back to your place or getting a cab?"

You shrugged "We can walk a little ways then catch a cab"

\--------------------

You'd walked maybe two blocks when a down pour started. "Fucking hell" Billy muttered and looked defeated for a moment until you pulled him closer to you "Dance with me Russo"

He glanced down at you and when he saw the smile on your face knew from that moment on he'd do anything to keep it there "Only for you sweetheart"

\--------------------

By the time you let Billy talk you into a cab you were both soaked to the bone but laughing. You laid your head over on his shoulder until the cab pulled to a stop in front of your apartment building.

The two of you hurried inside splashing water across the floor. "Well I'm officially freezing" you spoke through chattering teeth. He slid his arm around you and pointed you both to the elevator "Let's get upstairs and we can get out these wet clothes" 

You shot him a look which made a smirk appear on his face "Before you even say it Y/N yes you can take that to mean whatever you want it to. Like I said you're controlling the speed here"

\--------------------

You chunked Billy a pair of his sweats and some boxers before retreating into the bathroom to change. You knew when you came out he'd either be sitting on the edge of the bed or laying across it.

You stripped out your soaked dress and stared at the black lingerie set you'd grabbed without Billy noticing. Even after the way he'd been since he'd gotten home your nerves were still very much on edge as you pulled the set onto your body and gave yourself a once over in the mirror. It was now or never.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Nwfw

You took a deep breath and opened the bathroom door to step out into your bedroom. Billy was sitting on the edge of your bed and the moment he glanced up your stomach did a flip from the look in his eyes. "My god Y/N those damn pictures didn't do you justice and I thought they were something. Come here baby let me look at you"

You walked closer to the bed taking his hand so he could pull you between his legs. You braced your hands on his shoulders before asking "So do you like what you see Billy?" He let his hands smooth up the backs of your thighs enjoying the little shiver he pulled from you at such a small touch before gripping your ass feeling himself harden. "Are you really asking me that?" He asked tilting his head slightly to look you in the eye.

"Well you haven't really given me a clue either way" you teased seeing his eyes darken "Then let me show you" he pulled you into his arms barely suppressing a groan when you rolled your hips against his. "I've wanted this for so damn long" he confessed letting his mouth graze across your neck kissing then biting down just hard enough to pull a moan from you.

When his lips moved back up to yours you licked into his mouth rolling your hips in sync with your tongue then pushed him back against the pillows never breaking the kiss even when he tried to sit back up you simply pushed him down again. He'd really meant it when he said you were controlling the speed. When you broke away from the kiss his grip on your hips tightened both of you slightly breathless "One thing I need you to promise me"

"Anything" he swore letting his hands travel across your body. "Don't hold back. I won't break" you knew he had been being cautious with you but you didn't want cautious. "Yes ma'am" he agreed with a smirk pulling you back down to him before flipping you so that your back was to the mattress "I'm gonna ruin you for other men" he promised kissing down your neck letting his hands travel further pulling first your bra then panties off.

"Ruin me then" you breathed and felt one of his long fingers teasing your folds. "Shit you're soaking wet. God I can't wait to feel you around me" your head fell back when he pushed one finger into you "Oh god Billy" you cried when he added another curling them both up until he found that spot he was looking for which made your eyes roll back. "I'm gonna make you cum like this then with my mouth then I'm gonna fuck you until you can't walk straight"

You tried to say anything in return but you already felt that pressure building inside of you and when he leaned down rolling one of your nipples between his teeth that pressure burst. Your back arched off the bed with a cry. You glanced down and saw him slowly lick your juices off his fingers "You taste even better then I imagined" he licked into you holding your thighs apart to give him better access "Enjoy yourself. Fuck knows I am" he told you with a wink before his head dipped down between your legs.

You felt his tongue swirl around your clit and buried your fingers into his hair trying to find anything to hold onto as you rode the wave of pleasure coursing through your body. He moaned when your grip on his hair tightened and the feeling vibrated throughout your body. "Oh fuck Billy" you moaned grinding down against his face any inhibitions long forgotten.

When his fingers joined his tongue you knew you couldn't last much longer. The moment he just barely let his teeth scrape across that sensitive bud inside of you your orgasm washed over you again. He ate you through your orgasm greedily licking you clean. You opened your eyes and nearly came again just from the sight of Billy between your legs staring at you like that.

"Are you good?" He asked wiping his hand across his mouth. You curled one finger to beckon him back up your body. He kissed up your body stopping to lick your left nipple into his mouth while he kneaded the other with his hand then switched attentions.

He continued to kiss up your chest then to your neck nipping and sucking across the flesh there before he made it to your mouth. You kissed him tasting yourself on his lips and felt yourself grow wetter "Condoms are in the side table" you finally managed.

He reached over you and pulled the new box out "When did you?" You blushed despite yourself "Earlier today?" He kissed the tip of your nose then tilted his head towards the box "Put it on me"

He turned his attention back to your neck biting hard enough you'd probably have hickeys the next day but you didn't care. You grabbed one of the foil pouches and opened it before wrapping your hand around him. His movements stopped momentarily and his eyes fluttered shut when you jacked him a few times before sliding the condom down his length.

He looked back up at you and fuck those dark eyes were the most gorgeous sight you'd ever had pleasure of seeing. "You ready for me sweetheart?" He asked lining himself up with your opening. "Please fuck me baby" you moaned feeling him slowly push into you.

When he finally hit bottom a loud moan fell from both of you. He gave you a moment to get adjusted to his size but when that burning stretch gave way to pleasure you pulled him closer letting your lips crash onto his "Move Billy" he pulled out almost all the way then slammed back into you. Your eyes fluttered shut but you felt one of his hands gently wrap around your neck tilting your face up to look at him "No baby I wanna see you come undone. Look at me"

You forced your eyes to stay open as he sat a grueling pace pounding into you. Your nails found his back carving your pleasure into his skin with every thrust he gave. "Billy please..fuck I'm gonna cum" "Go ahead..let me see you"

He pulled one of your legs up to his shoulder changing the angle completely and ripping a scream of pleasure from your throat as yet another orgasm ran through your body. He fucked you through it grunting into your ear and telling you how beautiful you were. "Fuck seeing you like this? Why the hell did I wait so damn long"

When you came down a bit you pulled him into a kiss then smiled against his lips "On your back this time Billy" he raised an eyebrow but pulled out of you long enough to pull you on top of him. He looked down the length of your body and licked his lips "Take what you want baby I'm yours"

You braced your hands on the headboard before slowly lowering yourself down onto his length moaning at the new position that made him feel even deeper into you. Billy let out a hiss when you started rolling your hips against him chasing that familiar heat "Fuck just like that Y/N"

Hearing Billy moan your name made your movements get faster and harder. "Oh shit sweetheart. Fuck riding me so damn good" you could feel that warmth building again and he must have felt you tighten because he gripped your hips harder and started thrusting up to meet you "Come on Y/N baby I'm so close"

You could feel the muscles in your legs burning as you slammed down to meet every thrust. "Fuck Billy...oh fuck I'm gonna cum" "Cum for me" he ordered and that was all it took your head fell back as the orgasm flooding through you making the entire world take on a haze. You could feel Billy's thrusts getting lazy right before he gripped your hips tight burying himself as deep as he could. He came with a moan of your name on his lips.

You collapsed against his chest and kissed the scars at his shoulder "That was fucking amazing" he chuckled and said "Took the words right out my mouth sweetheart"

You almost fell asleep in that position but heard Billy mutter something. "What'd you say baby?" You asked and he grinned "I gotta get this condom off"

You started to slide off him but gasped at the burn between your legs so he helped you. You barely made it to your pillow before you collapsed. Billy pulled the blanket over you and kissed your cheek before climbing out the bed.

\-----------------------

When he climbed back into bed he slid his arm around you and pulled you back against his chest. You would be sore the next day but you'd never been happier and the sex just confirmed what you already knew. You were in love with Billy already.

You fell asleep with his head pressed down between your shoulders.

\--------------------

It was around six the next morning when Billy felt you stirring. He opened one eye and watched you for a moment with two startling realizations one being you weren't sure he'd still be there which hurt a bit and made him want to kill any man that ever hurt you.

The other realization as he pulled you back into his arms and kissed you before saying "Y/N go back to sleep sweetheart. I'm right here and i ain't going no where and neither of us has anywhere to be till Lisa's party" and you let out a content sound before kissing his chest he knew then and there he was head over heels in love with you.


	13. Chapter 13

After that first time you and Billy finally gave into what you'd both wanted for so long you didn't stray too far from each other. Even when you'd have to work long shifts he'd be there waiting to either take you to breakfast or walk you home.

Every night spent wrapped up in his arms you felt like you'd finally found where you belonged. His deployment date was looming before you knew it. You were so much in love with him it hurt to think about him leaving so you tried your best to ignore the dates ticking off on the calendar. This next deployment would be a new level for you. You of course could handle it. Billy was worth it and Maria was a seasoned pro but you knew in your heart you had to tell him how you felt before he left.

You were just afraid at the off chance of him not feeling the same. While it was true you'd known each other for so many years you'd only been official two and a half months.

\--------------------

You woke up before Billy and lay there just enjoying his arms around you. Neither of you had bothered getting redressed the night before so you could feel the heat rolling off his body that was pressed tightly against yours.

His arm that was around your waist twitched in his sleep. You leaned back to look at his face trying to gauge whether it was the beginning of a nightmare or just an involuntary movement. His face still looked peaceful so you knew he was fine.

The two of you had plans to meet up with Frank, Maria and the kids at the park. You were planning to take your new camera to capture pictures of everyone throughout the day. You were looking forward to it but at the moment you didn't want to think about moving out your bed.

\--------------------

As if your thoughts had grew loud enough to wake him Billy's grip around your waist tightened as his lips found your neck leaving a light trail of open mouthed kisses "What time are we meeting Frankie and them?" He asked his accent bleeding through even thicker than normal with him just waking up. "Around ten" you answered moaning when he let one of his hands slowly snake between your thighs "Good I've got plenty of time" was his response before he plunged two fingers into you groaning at the fact that you were already wet "Fuck Y/N"

You arched your back into him feeling him hard against your ass "Just like that baby" you moaned feeling an orgasm already building. Moments like these it was a battle to keep those three little words from falling from your lips. No man had ever made you feel like Billy did. "Gotta make sure you're ready for me" he whispered into your ear biting down on your neck at the same time he curled his fingers in just the right spot "Oh fuck Billy!" You cried out as pleasure washed over you.

He fingered you through your orgasm then kept his eyes locked onto yours as he licked his fingers clean. "Please fuck me" you all but begged and heard him laugh lightly "stay like this sweetheart. Let me grab a condom"

You heard the foil package a moment before Billy was pulling your head back for a kiss. He licked into your mouth swallowing the loud moan you gave when he slid into you in one fluid motion. He returned his tight grip to your waist pulling you back to meet his thrusts. You loved this position feeling so much of him pressed against you as he rocked his hips into yours, his moans mixing with your own as his orgasm grew closer "Fuck you feel so good Y/N" he spoke into your neck. You gripped the mattress tightly burying your face in it when his hand moved down to play with your clit.

"Billy!" A scream of his name ripped from your mouth as your second orgasm found you. His thrusts started to get faster and harder as he chased his own release. When he finally came he buried himself deep inside of you with a grunt of your name. You could still feel him twitching inside the condom while he kissed across your neck and bare shoulder. God you wanted so badly to confess your feelings but you bit your lip choosing instead to just enjoy the afterglow while he held you close kissing every inch of you he could without pulling out quite yet.

When he finally slid out of you a slight whimper escaped your lips so he pulled you back to him for another kiss "Wanna get in the shower with me?" He asked and you smiled lazily "as soon as my legs will agree to work" a smirk slid across his face from your words "In that case I'll get rid of the condom then start your coffee. By then you may be in walking shape"

"Bite me Russo" you managed without a trace of venom to your voice. He looked back over his shoulder at you from your bedroom door with a wink "Wherever you want to me to I'll gladly bite"

\--------------------

The plan was to meet Frank, Maria and the kids at the diner a few blocks from your house. All of you were pretty much frequent flyers of that place due to it's close proximity to the station house.

You spotted their van parked across the street as the two of you walked into the diner. Billy's arm was around your waist and if you were being honest had it not been for Frank Jr and Lisa you would've probably still been in bed wrapped up in his arms. You had two precious weeks before he left again for only god knows how long. The Corp always loved extending their deployments at the drop of a hat

"AUNT Y/N! UNCLE BILLY!" Was all you heard the moment you walked in the door. You glanced up to see Lisa and Frank Jr running at you full force. Billy scooped up Frank Jr so you grabbed Lisa playfully spinning her around "What's up munchkin? What's the plan for the day?" You asked following Billy over to where Frank and Maria sat watching the four of you with a smile.

Lisa was giving you a full run down of everything her and her brother wanted to do. You listened intently nodding along with everything she said. "Sounds like a plan Lis!" Billy leaned up and added "But beware aunt Y/N has decided to be a shutterbug once again so no one is safe"

Maria asked about your camera so you passed it over so she could take a look so Frank and Billy struck up a conversation while the kids were content with their stacks of pancakes. You didn't try to hide the smile that pulled at your face when Billy slid his arm around your shoulders. He'd done things like that long before the relationship between the two of you turned romantic. It wasn't a sexual thing more so just him wanting to make sure you were near and you loved it.

His long fingers traced patterns on your clothed shoulder while him and Frank talked about Curtis and their next deployment. Your heart did a flip thinking about him being gone again. It was once again as if your thoughts had gotten too loud or either showed plainly on your face because he leaned over and whispered in your ear "Nothing could keep me from coming home to you" then kissed your cheek before turning his attention to the kids.

\--------------------

Once you got to the park you knew per tradition the painted ponies as Frank called them would be the first stop.

Billy arched an eyebrow at you when you grabbed his hand to pull him onto the carousel as well. "Oh come on Bill. Don't be an ass" Frank warned with a laugh.

Frank was standing between the horses the kids were on with Maria leaned back against him so you figured that was a good opportunity for a shot of them all "Ok Castles...say cheese!" They all smiled at you long enough for you to snap a couple pictures then Frank said "Ok the rides starting and Y/N I'll give you twenty bucks if you can get his long legged ass to ride one of these things"

You looked back at Billy with a grin "Baby?" He rolled his eyes and pointed at Frank "You knew I wouldn't tell her no!" When he climbed onto the horse behind Lisa you snapped a photo of him glaring at you but that glare turned into a laugh when Lisa looked back and said "Uncle Billy don't even act like you're mad at aunt Y/N. Daddy says you're like a puppy following her around"

\--------------------

Lisa had decided to go for another go around the carousel while Billy and Frank Jr stood in the line for burgers so you rode with her to give Frank and Maria a few minutes alone.

You knew how hard every deployment was on Maria so you wanted to make sure they got time together as well. You were planning to watch the kids overnight on your next day off so they could have a date night. Billy had more than agreed when you asked if he wanted to stay with you and the kids that night saying "Where else would I want to be? I love the munchkins too"

\-------------------

When the ride came to an end Billy waved all of you over to the table. Him and Frank Jr were mis conversation about how Frank should've picked a different name for Jr.

"You hear uncle Billy dad?" Jr asked and you couldn't help but laugh when Frank replied "It's impossible not to hear uncle Billy bud. He talks very loud and very often" you shrugged when Billy cut his eyes at you then sat down next to Lisa while he continued "See, now I was named after the most famous outlaw that ever lived"

"Jesse James?" You and Maria asked in unison with matching smirks. Billy scoffed "Oh no" then turned his attention back to Jr "Billy the kid was the fastest gun in the west. He was an orphan just like me, from New York. Then he went out west and survived on nothing but his wits and his bravery and nobody could catch him cause he was too smart and too badass"

You rolled your eyes with a smile when Frank looked your way which pulled a laugh from him.

"Then what happened?" Jr asked so Frank answered "Pissed off the wrong people and they killed him for it"

Billy shook his head "Don't listen to your father. He has no sense of the romantic just ask your mother" you ducked right before Maria playfully threw a fry at Billy's head which he caught with a wink. "What? He was betrayed by his friend for money and fame"

"That sucks" Jr said obliviously disappointed with Billy the kid's ending. "It does suck. About the worst thing that can happen in this world" Frank told him and you nodded in agreement. Having a friend sell you out? You couldn't imagine.

You glanced over at her when Lisa leaned up "Uncle Bill?" "Uh huh?" He asked around a mouthful of soda. "If you're an orphan how do you know you're named after Billy the kid?"

You winced but laughed when Billy slowly pulled his sunglasses down and nodded "Lisa..you are way too smart to be your dad's kid...that I do not know"

Maria climbed over your lap before saying "aww this is all the family you need right here" and kissed Billy's cheek. He shook his head with a smirk "Oh thanks that's nice Ria" she winked and shoved you lightly towards him "Hell I gave you Y/N what more could you want?"

He pulled his sunglasses off and put them on you with a soft smile before he said "Couldn't think of anything else"

\--------------------

The rest of the day was spent with Lisa pulling you in whatever direction she wanted to go while Jr directed Billy leaving Frank and Maria to just try and keep up.

All of you converged at the vendors offering dessert options. Lisa was dying to try a fried oreo while Jr wanted fried ice cream. You stood next to Billy while both kids bit into their chosen treats.

"Aunt Y/N try one!" Lisa held an oreo out to you with a smile. You took a tentative bite to appease her but it was actually good so you offered it to Billy "Wanna try it?" He shook his head "I love you sweetheart but I am not trying a fried cookie"

You froze with your eyes wide. Frank and Maria glanced between the two of you but with one look at your face Maria knew this was a first time occurrence "You what?" You asked slowly and heard Frank shuffle the kids a few feet away. "I didn't mean for it to just slip. I wanted to find the right time but I guess it was the right time. Yeah Y/N I love you. I have for a while but it's fine with me if you're not ready to say it back or.."

You cut him off with a kiss which he wholeheartedly returned. He pulled away when Lisa and Jr hollered "Ewww" with a laugh he stuck his tongue out at them and Frank who had hollered as well. You grabbed his chin to pull his attention back to you. Those dark eyes felt like they were staring straight into your soul and you'd never felt more sure of anything then when you said "I love you too Billy. I was just waiting on you to get there first"

You heard a camera click and cursed when you realized you'd handed yours to Maria. You cut your eyes at her and she shrugged "Too sweet of a moment to pass up" Billy caught your lips in a quick kiss then waved the kids over "Might as well get one with us and the munchkins while you're taking em"

Right before Maria snapped the photo Billy leaned over and kissed your cheek.

\--------------------

When the day rolled around for Billy and Frank to once again ship out you felt almost sick to your stomach. You knew you could hold it together not only for Billy's sake but for Maria's as well but damn you hated him leaving again so soon.

You stood with your head laid over on Billy's chest while Frank said his goodbyes to Maria and the kids. "C'mere Y/N" Frank offered with his arms out so you walked into them for a tight hug while Billy took his turn telling the kids and Maria bye.

"Thank you for always being here. Don't worry we'll be back before you know it" Frank whispered into your ear. You leaned up to kiss his cheek then said "I'll hold you to it. Don't worry about stateside. I got this Frankie"

You turned back to Billy who pulled you into his arms. "God I'm going to miss you Y/N. I love you more than I ever knew possible and I can't wait to get back home to you"

After you and Billy kissed it came across the intercom that they needed to start boarding. As per tradition you and Maria stood at the window until the plane was in the air and only then did you grab each other's arm and a kid a piece. You were already counting the days off in your head until you were back in Billy's arm but you knew by loving him this would be your life and you were ok with that.

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"Can we go to Lombardis?" Lisa asked once all of you were outside. You smiled and said "Of course babygirl" you made sure her and Jr were buckled up then pulled out onto the road. You were driving so Maria could talk to the kids easier. "So what is on the agenda for movie night?" You asked and when both kids started listing off choices you winked at Maria "We need to make a pit stop after pizza for more snacks" "and wine" she added with a laugh.


	14. Chapter 14

Deployments where half your heart was on the other side of the world was something new for you. You'd spent so many years just trying to help Maria and the kids through them you never stopped to realize you'd never even entertained the thought of Billy not making it home.

The first one after you admitted your true feelings was the hardest. You'd find yourself waking up in the middle of the night the first few weeks and reaching out for him only to find half the bed empty. You ended up staying with Maria and the kids as often as possible. You didn't want to admit to yourself just how much it would tear you apart if something did happen to him now.

Once that first hurdle was over you didn't exactly find the deployments easier but you found that you were able to make it through them.

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You woke up to the alarm blaring on Maria's side of the bed and burrowed deeper into the pillows with a groan "Ria! Why's it so loud?"

Her laughter hit your ears right before the smell of coffee tickled your nose "I swear you aren't any easier to wake up than you were when we were younger"

You begrudgingly pulled the pillow from your head to see her standing next to the bed with a cup of coffee in her hand "Remember aunt Y/N you promised the kids we'd be up bright and early to go to the aquarium" you took the cup and pushed yourself into a seated position letting the mixture of caffeine and the promise you made Lisa and Frank Jr force you the rest of the way awake.

"Ok let me go grab a shower before the munchkins come and attack" the moment the words left your mouth you barely had time to hand the cup back to Maria before the door of the bedroom busted open and both kids flew full force onto the bed. "Aunt Y/N can we help cook breakfast?" Lisa asked with a broad smile. You glanced at Maria who shrugged so you said "Of course. Go grab the ingredients for pancakes and whatever add in the two of you want" they climbed off the bed and ran towards the kitchen.

Maria held the coffee back out with a smile "Or you'll cook aunt Y/N's famous breakfast then shower" "At least I know they love me" you replied with a smile letting your feet hit the floor and grabbing the cup from her on the way to the kitchen.

\-----------------------

After making a stack of peanut butter chip pancakes for Lisa and Blueberry for Frank Jr you cleaned up the kitchen then headed for the shower while Maria started another pot of coffee.

\--------------------

You stepped under the stream of water letting it run over your head as you closed your eyes. The kids wanted to hit the aquarium then they'd want to get lunch and somewhere in there Maria needed to squeeze in some back to school shopping.

You pretty much went with them every year. Even when Frank was stateside clothes shopping wasn't very high on his list of things to do. God knows you didn't mind. When Lisa came along you were thrown headfirst into the wonderful land of being an aunt. By the time Frank Jr happened you already had it down to an art. Those two knew you'd go to the ends of the earth for them (even if you overly spoiled them at times)

\--------------------

Once you were dressed you wondered back into the kitchen to find an omelet sitting next to the pot of coffee. "Thank you Ria!" You hollered up the stairs and heard a muffled "You're welcome!" In return.

By the time you were washing your plate off Maria came down the stairs with the kids trailing behind her. "Well as soon as you're ready Y/N I've got everything together" you nodded towards the living room "My purse is on the couch. Let me grab some shoes and I'll be good to go"

\--------------------

You watched the sharks swimming around their enclosure. There was something so peaceful about them even if you knew just how dangerous they could be. Almost reminded you of Frank and Billy in a way. When the two of them were with you, Maria and the kids you couldn't find two gentler men but you also knew what skill sets they had and at times you could see that aura of what they could do right under the surface.

Like when Billy had come home from his second deployment once the two of you were official. All of you had went out for drinks and a couple guys had attempted to get handsy with you and Maria. You used the word attempted because once Frank glanced up from their game of pool and spotted you and Maria telling the guys off everything had happened pretty fast.

Frank nor Billy even laid a hand on the guys. No they just walked across the floor and came to stand next to you and Maria. "Honey you ok?" Frank asked Maria his eyes never leaving the two guys. "We're ok Frankie" you replied feeling Billy's grip around your waist tighten. You'd never seen anybody tuck tail as fast as those two guys had.

"Y/N?" You heard Maria call your name and turned around with a smile. The kids were enamored with the giant squid across the walkway. She motioned to the sharks "Did they say something rude? You were looking pretty lost in thought" you laughed and said "No actually I was admiring how something so deadly is so peaceful when it's left alone" she watched them for a second then smiled "Yeah you're right"

"MOM! AUNT Y/N" both of you instinctively turned and saw the kids enthusiastically waving you over "THEY'RE ABOUT TO FEED IT!" Lisa hollered and you winked at Maria "Well we don't want to miss feeding time do we?"

\--------------------

The kids loved the aquarium and if you were honest their enthusiasm had made you develop a love for the place yourself over the years.

As for the back to school shopping Lisa enjoyed the shopping part. Frank Jr didn't want to spend all day trying on clothes but you managed to get him to begrudgingly take the stack of clothes into the dressing room.

Both of them loved shopping for new shoes. Jr ended up wanting a pair of sneakers and a pair of boots. He looked between you and Maria with a smile "I'll get him the boots" you told her and got the look you always did. The clearly "You're spoiling them" look. You simply smiled then looked over your shoulder at Lisa "Lis pick a second pair and I'll buy them" her smile widened before she plucked the pair of boots she'd liked off the shelf and held them out to you.

\-------------------

You were walking out to Maria's van when your phone rang. You knew it wasn't Billy so you pulled it out to see it was Curtis calling you. "Hey Curt?" You answered and Maria cut her eyes at you. "Y/N...I need your help. You remember that friend of mine Charles?" "Yeah" you replied feeling a knot already forming in your stomach. "He got some bad news today. He can't re enlist and well I'm worried about him" "Pick me up at my place. I'll run in and grab my med bag and be waiting out front" you answered without hesitation and heard him take a breath "Thanks" "Any time"

Maria nodded at the van "Come on. When you get through just let yourself back in with your key if it's too late" you smiled at her in return "Thanks Ria"

\--------------------

You knew there was one reason why Curt would be calling you. You had access to narcan and he didn't. You didn't know what to expect so you grabbed your whole bag then ran downstairs and saw Curt's car parked right outside your building.

You put your bag in the backseat then slid into the passenger side "Where we headed?" You asked as he pulled out. "I know a couple places we can check. Man Y/N we gotta figure something out to help these guys" "We will Curt. We will"

\--------------------

Four hours later you were stitching up a large cut across Charles' back while Curtis managed to get some water in him without him throwing it back up. "Curt the narcan bought him around but he's not out the woods. I mean with all the wounds he has I don't want to think about what may happen if he goes into detox without medical assistance"

"I know Y/N. I've just got to get his head straight enough to talk him into a program. I already called someone and got a bed waiting" you nodded and continued your work. After this particular cut there was a gash across the top of his head that would need some staples. You heard your phone ringing in the top of your bag and groaned "Curt! Get the phone! That's Billy's ringtone!"

You listened as Curt answered your phone "Bill.. it's me brother...Yeah... Hold on" he waited until you snipped off the thread then held the phone out "Talk to him. I'll do the staples" you peeled your gloves off and let them fall to the floor before taking the phone "Hey baby" you said the moment you had it to your ear.

You walked away from where Curtis was stapling Charles' head in the small hotel room. "Y/N where are you? It's like midnight there. I mean I know you're ok since you're with Curt" you took a breath and glanced back before saying "One of the guys he knows from the V.A. got some tough news. If we hadn't found him when we did he would've either bled out from the injuries or the drugs in his system would've killed him. Why the fuck they let him get a ninety day prescription of meds after telling him he couldn't re enlist when he'd working towards that goal for months is beyond me"

You could almost see the smile on Billy's face when he said "My girl. Saving people even on her day off and willing to fight the government as an entirety over enlisted men and women" "Well I happen to take it personally" "Is that right?" He asked a teasing tone to his voice "Yeah that's right. I mean I have one who's basically my brother that got out cause he was hurt and another one who's practically my brother that's still in" you teased back with a grin.

"Uh huh" was his dry response so you laughed and added "Plus there's a certain marine I happen to be in love with" "Lucky bastard" he replied without missing a beat. You dropped any teasing when you said "I miss you Billy" "I miss you too sweetheart. We'll get through then we can start building something not only for us but to help some people who need it too"

The two of you talked for a while. You caught him up on what you'd been up to with Maria and the kids and he told you about some of the new guys in the unit with him and Frank. About the time Charles agreed to go to the inpatient center Curtis was talking to him about you heard Frank holler "Bill! Tell Y/N I said hey then c'mon"

"Tell Frank I said hey and I guess I'll talk to you when you get a chance to call again. I sent a few letters off two days ago. You should be getting them soon" you tried to hide the sadness you felt every time you had to hang up with him. "Gives me something to look forward to. I'll try to call tomorrow or the next day. All depends. I love you Y/N. Don't forget that" "Never in a million years. I love you too Billy"

When you turned back around after hanging up Curtis was helping Charles into a shirt and jacket so you moved to pack up yours and Curtis' med bags. "Want me to drop you off at Maria's before I take him?" He asked but you shook your head "I told you I'd help. That means helping the entire way" Curtis smiled at your words and even Charles managed a small one "Thanks Y/N. Curt said you're a good person" you patted his non wounded shoulder and said "I'd like to think I am"

\--------------------

It was nearly three by the time you collapsed on Maria's couch. Normally you'd share the bed with her but you didn't want to risk waking her. You knew the kids slept in on Saturdays so you would at least manage a few hours of sleep.


	15. Chapter 15

"So how long is this deployment supposed to be?" You asked glancing up at Billy from your current position laying across his bare chest absentmindedly tracing the scars that littered his skin. "Eighteen months. I'm hoping maybe once it's done we can start scouting places out. You know start building for the future" any time he started talking like that your heart would race. There were moments you were still so amazed at the fact that he loved you just as much as you loved him and wanted his future to have you in it.

"Have you thought of a name for the company yet? I mean I know it's a ways off but I think it's a good idea to name it" you said kissing the scars on his shoulder and smiling when he closed his eyes momentarily at the feel of your lips. "Any ideas?" He asked after a beat. You looked into his eyes and for a moment lost any thought you'd previously had on the subject. Even after how long you'd known him and now how long you'd been in a relationship with him he could still make you blush with just a look.

"Actually um I was thinking what about Anvil?" You finally managed and saw his brow furrow "Anvil? Like the thing they dropped on people in cartoons back in the day?" He asked and you couldn't help but laugh "Well yeah but look an Anvil is a forging tool. It takes something that's already strong like metal but helps to shape it into something even stronger like a shield or a sword. That's what you're wanting to do for the vets. Take men and women who are already strong and well trained and help shape them into something more so they can have a life after service"

The teasing smile he had was replaced by a genuine one "You've really put thought into this haven't you?" You fought the urge to squirm under his intense gaze which was ridiculous considering but you knew he'd always have that effect on you. "It's something you're passionate about. That means it's something I'm passionate about. I love you and I'm here as long as you want me so if this is the plans for the future then they need a little attention even if we can't go to work on them quite yet. The name was just a thought I had when I was reading the other night" you pulled the sheet up closer to you feeling yourself get a little flustered at the thought that maybe you should've kept your ideas to yourself.

Billy of course knew your every mood and was quick to grab your arm and pull you up to him. He used one hand to turn your chin up so he could place a quick kiss on your lips. When he pulled away he smiled "Y/N I don't know what I did to deserve you. Don't ever think you can't share any idea you have with me. As for the name... I think it fits well. Anvil will officially be the name of our possible security business for sometime in the future"

"I love you Billy" you all but whispered letting your nails run lightly through his beard. "I love you too...Now come here and let me show you" he replied pulling you on top of him with a smirk.

\--------------------

You sat down in one of the chairs that were around the table the firefighter used to sit at while they were cleaning their gear after calls. It was a warmer day and the heat seemed to be getting to people's heads. You and Alice had already went on eight calls and it was only a little past noon.

"Y/N do you play poker?" You turned to see Hunter, Alice and a few of the other guys walking through the door that lead inside. "I'm a little scared to answer that. What are all of you up to?" Alice laughed and bumped her shoulder against Hunter's "Told ya. She's a bit of a cynic"

"Pays to be" you replied with a grin. Jason the house Captain sat across from you and held out a flyer "It's a charity tournament. We need one more person on our team to round it out" you read over the flyer and winced "Sorry Cap. You know I jump on anything to help a charity but my niece plays poker better than me"

You racked your brain for a second before a smile slipped onto your face when you thought about a solution "Wait does it have to be someone who works here?" Hunter and Alice sat down on either side of you watching the back and forth. "Either has to be first responders or family of"

"Can it be like claimed family? Because a friend of mine Curtis is amazing at poker and he's like a brother to me" you explained. Jason chewed on his bottom lip for a moment then nodded "Don't see why not. Give him my number so we can get together on details. Thanks Y/N"

"Anytime" you replied with a smile as Jason and Hunter headed back inside leaving you and Alice in the bays. She turned to look at you then reached over to push a strand of hair that had escaped your braid out your face "How ya holding up? You're at what..the mid way mark?"

You took a breath then let your face fall in a way you tried not to let anyone else see. Alice was one of the few people outside the Castles, Curtis and of course Billy that you actually let in. "It's hard. This was been one of the longer ones in a while and the fact that they have to go radio silent so much with the missions they're on doesn't help matters"

"He'll be home soon. I really believe that man would go through an entire fucking army to get back to you and I know Frank would for Maria and the kids. You know if you need me for anything even to watch the kids so you and Maria can get a breather I'm just a phone call away" you smiled and felt your chest loosen up slightly "I know Alice and I love you for it"

A call rang out over the comm summoning an ambulance to a car crash across town. Both of you ran to the rig and as you were pulling out onto the road she teased with a smile "Better not let Russo hear that you love me he may get jealous"

\--------------------

You slowly opened the door of the Castles house wincing when the hinges squeaked slightly. You nearly jumped out your skin when Maria said "Just push it open Y/N the kids have been asleep for a couple hours"

"Jesus Christ Ria you scared the hell out of me!" You whisper shouted seeing that she was sitting on the couch watching a movie with an open bottle of wine and an extra glass in front of her. "Sorry I couldn't sleep and knew you'd be getting off soon so figured I'd just wait up"

You dropped your bag near the door and slid your boots off before joining her on the couch "Thank you ma'am" you said with a tired smile when she offered you a glass. "You're welcome. How was your shift?"

You told her the details of a few of your calls and that you'd volunteered Curtis for the charity tournament. "Actually it sounds like something he'd like and it being for charity. You'll have no problem getting him to agree" you took a sip and watched her for a moment before asking "This one's harder it's not just me is it?" She shook her head and you saw tears welling up in her eyes.

You sat your glass down on the table then pulled her over on your shoulder "Its ok Ria. We'll get through it" she nodded against your shoulder "Billy has plans for after the Marines. Frank's never even bought up getting out" you pulled her back so she had to look you in the eye then smiled "C'mon now Ria. Since those two met they're like me and you. I wouldn't up and move across country without you. Do you really think Frank will stay in without Billy? Whenever Billy gets out we'll talk Frank into getting out too. He loves you and the kids so much and I know he wants to be home with you"

"Your mouth to God's ear" she whispered so you pulled her into a hug which was all you knew to do. Some moments didn't require words.

Whenever Billy felt it was right he'd get out then all of you would somehow talk Frank into getting out as well. You had to hold onto that belief at least for her sake.


	16. Chapter 16

The day Billy called you to say he'd gotten his discharge date you were ecstatic but you also felt so guilty. He was getting out, the two of you were moving forward while Frank chose to go another tour.

\-----------------------

"Maybe once he sees the business actually getting off the ground we can make him change his mind" Billy offered with a smile leaning down slightly so you could straighten his tie. The two of you were headed to some event hosted by some general or another. Seems like that was all you'd done since he hit stateside.

You understood he was trying to dip his feet into getting enough backing for Anvil and the contacts he'd need to get contracts big enough to grow a successful business but you were hoping things would slow down at least just for a little while. "I hope so. God seeing Maria's face when he said he was going back. She just wants him home" you didn't want to unload on Billy especially not before he had to slap a smile on and work a crowd but he knew you too well.

He slid his hands along your waist pulling you closer to him "Just give me a few months baby. We'll get this thing started then Frankie won't have any choice but come on home and help us" you smiled despite yourself. Billy had always had the ability to make you feel so much more confident about things. "In that case we better get going. Got to make a good impression" you teased with a smile stepping away from him right as he leaned in for a kiss. You winked over your shoulder when he groaned in frustration "Mr Russo you can't show up wearing my lipstick"

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Billy had been home for a couple months when he found a location for Anvil. You'd never seen him more excited than the day he walked you through the warehouse pointing out where training areas would be, where offices would be and telling you all his plans.

You were so proud of him. He'd come so far in his life and was still fighting for the future he wanted. You lay in bed that night running your fingers across his chest while he told you about his plans for the two of you. It made your stomach flutter listening to him talk about the prospect of house hunting and kids in the future. "Are you gonna make an honest woman of me?" You jokingly said and he stopped mid sentence and stared at you for a few seconds before a smile slipped across his face "Of course. You in a long white dress, Lisa being the flower girl, Jr as the ring bearer. Might even be nice and ask Frankie to be my best man when time comes" "and when would that be?" You asked without thinking.

He'd pulled you into a kiss then said "When time's right, I'll put a ring on your finger but my plan from the moment you said you wanted to be with me has always been to do everything in my power to make you as happy as possible for the rest of my life" "Easy Russo a girl may hold you to that" he raised one eyebrow then pulled you fully on top of him "You can hold me to every word"

\------------------------

You had plans to stay with Maria the weekend following another event hosted by someone or another that held the possibility for big contracts for Anvil. You weren't too god awful interested in the details because your mind was too involved in the fact that it was under two months before Frank would be home. While Anvil wasn't much more than an empty warehouse at the moment you hoped there had been enough groundwork laid he'd agree to work there with Billy

.

You were chatting with Marine Lieutenant Andrew Dawson and his wife Lydia. They were actually a really sweet couple and turned out you'd met Lydia a few years before when you and Alice had responded to a car accident she'd be involved in. Billy had been pulled away by a phone call but you didn't mind as much with having friendly faces.

Andrew had just walked away to grab you and Lydia another glass of wine when Billy appeared beside you. One glance and you knew something was off. His jaw was clenched tight and his shoulders had that tenseness in them. It was that fierceness that always rested below the surface in him but now he wasn't trying to push it down "Mrs Dawson hope you don't mind but I have to steal Y/N away" he spoke with his usual charm but you could see him clocking every corner of the room.

Lydia smiled and said "Of course not. She's such a lovely woman. Have a good night" you waved at Lydia as Billy lead you through the crowd with his hand at your lower back. You weren't sure what was wrong with him so you waited until the two of you were outside and climbing into a cab to ask "What's wrong?" He let out a breath then shook his head "Nothing you need to worry about. I'm gonna go with you to grab your stuff then I'll drop you by Ria. I've got a few things I gotta take care of"

"Is something wrong?" You asked and he offered a smile in return "No sweetheart it's fine"

\--------------------

"So where did Billy run off to?" Maria asked

as she turned on the couch tucking her feet up into your lap with a laugh. You shrugged and threw the blanket you'd been covering up with over her as well "I honestly have no clue. Seems like besides when he gets me to go with him to these events where I have met more branches of the armed forces than a civilian should even know exists I barely see him some days"

She laughed and wiggled her toes under the blanket "He's just trying to build something and I know he wants to share it with you" you smiled at her words then felt a wave of guilt. Here you were complaining when at least your boyfriend was home and not in an active war zone. Not for the first time it was as if Maria could read your mind as she shook her head "Don't feel guilty. He'll be home soon. I just hope this time he decides to stay"

"Maria you and the kids are Frank's entire world. He's tired of it. I could hear it when I talked to him a few weeks back. I think he's done" time the words left your mouth she leaned her head over on your shoulder and said "from your mouth to God's ears"

\--------------------

Saturday you and Maria took the kids to the central park zoo. You were walking and attempting to snap photos of the kids and the animals. "You're gonna twist an ankle" Maria warned when you almost tripped over a discarded soda can.

You bent to pick up the can to dispose of it in one of the multiple trash bins that the owner had somehow missed and grinned at her "If I do I'm sure I know how to wrap a twisted ankle"

She rolled her eyes at your sarcastic response "Ok smartass. Just saying" you pulled her into a hug and playfully kissed her cheek "I know you're just looking out for me Ria and I love you for it"

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Sunday you had to work a twelve hour shift but since Billy was preoccupied with doing something with Curt your plan was just to return to the Castle residence after work.

You were walking out the station house following Alice towards Kenzies car when you heard a loud whistle and turned to see Billy standing a little down the sidewalk. You smiled then looked over your shoulder "I'm good Alice. Thanks for the offer!" She glanced back and grinned when she saw Billy "Play nice kids"

Billy smiled when you got closer "I thought you'd be busy tonight?" You asked and he nodded "I am but we got a few hours so I was hoping maybe we could spend some time just the two of us?" "I'd love you" you replied with a smile that only grew when he pulled you into one of those kisses that left you a bit breathless afterwards.

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Since you'd ended up back at the Castles' that night the next morning you got up early to help Maria get the kids off to school before heading in for your shift.

When Billy had dropped by before heading into a meeting he told you he'd made reservations for dinner because there was something he needed to talk to you about.

"He's gonna propose!" Maria nearly giggled after he left so the entire day a thousand scenarios played through your mind of what could happen that night.

When you got off you headed home to grab a shower and change. You didn't know where Billy was taking you so you dressed in a simple black dress with ankle boots. You styled your hair in loose waves and went with light make up.

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You were just double checking your reflection when you heard a knock on your door and smiled because you knew it was Billy. You grabbed your purse and jacket then opened the door.

He was standing against your door frame and smiled when he saw you. It wasn't quite one of those dazzling smiles that reached the corner of his eyes but it was still enough to make your heart jump.

"Hey baby!" You said while you pulled your jacket on and leaned up to give him a kiss. He brushed his lips against yours in a bare whisper of how he'd normally kiss you especially considering how he'd been the day before once he'd gotten you back to your apartment. God you were still sore in some places but if was the good kind of soreness.

He slid his arm around your waist and smiled "Let's get going. Our reservation is in twenty minutes" you guessed running late was what had him acting weird so you fell in step beside him to the elevator and then when you got downstairs he opened the car door for you as always so you chalked up how you thought Billy was acting to him being stressed.

\--------------------

The restaurant was a new one you'd been wanting to try so it was a delightful surprise. The food was delicious and the wine was exquisite but you noticed Billy wasn't talking like he normally would and when he did turn his attention to you he seemed a million miles away.

While he waited for the waitress to bring his card and the receipt back you finally took enough and said "Billy what did you want to talk about?" He glanced around letting his eyes just skim across your face before taking a deep breath "I wanted to wait until we got back to your place to do this but I guess more public, better chances that a blow up doesn't happen"

"Blow up? What do you mean?" You didn't try to mask the confusion you felt. He finally met your eyes and you saw the wall up that he'd always wore the first few days after he'd get home from a deployment. Maria had called it war jet lag. You'd come to realize it meant he was turning his emotions off.

He motioned between the two of you before saying "This isn't working out" you felt like you'd been dipped in ice water. With tears already prickling your eyes you swallowed twice before you managed to say "What do you mean not working out? Billy we've been together years and friends even longer than that. Hell you made love to me for hours just yesterday" he shrugged then said "That's my point if there was anything worth having here don't you think I would've already proposed? I mean you're pretty enough and you are decent in bed but sweetheart you're not wife material for a CEO"

"Billy you can't mean that" you hated how broken your voice sounded but he didn't even flinch "Don't do the crying thing. I mean we can still fuck every now and then but I want my freedom back" you stared at him for several seconds stunned.

He'd gotten distant in the last few weeks since that last event but you'd told yourself it was Anvil and the stress that came with getting it off it's feet. You never would've imagined this.

"Go to hell Russo" you spat out not caring that your voice shook.

You stood to leave but he grabbed your arm "Y/N" you raised an eyebrow and he held out a twenty "For the cab home" you snatched your arm out his grip and had to fight to keep your voice steady as you said "Fuck you Billy" when he dropped your arm a brief flash of regret flashed across his face followed by relief? Was he that sick of you?

You turned and nearly ran out the restaurant wanting to get as far away from him as possible.

You didn't want to go home. You were lost and hurt and just needed to break down. You didn't even know how you made it there but you found yourself at Maria and Frank's door trying to work the courage up just to knock.

When the door opened unexpectedly Maria was standing on the other side in her Pjs looking a bit confused. The moment your eyes met hers yours you broke down crying "He left me"

You could see the anger flash through her eyes but she tried to hold her face as she wrapped her arms around you "c'mon sweetie. Let's get you in some different clothes and we'll talk. The kids are already in bed so it's just us"

\----------------------

You don't know how long you cried on her. It wasn't the first time you'd been hurt and went to Maria for comfort. This was just the first time you were sure even she couldn't fix it.

You ended up falling asleep on the couch curled up in one of Frank's old hoodies. Everything hurt as if your body was echoing your heart.

\--------------------

You woke up to the sound of Maria cursing in Italian followed by her saying "Why the hell did I ever think you had changed? You broke her fucking heart you cold bastard" you sat up rubbing your eyes and glanced around.

She was sitting at the kitchen counter with her back to you and her phone was at her ear. Before you could let her know you were awake she said "You're no longer welcomed in my home Billy" then she hung up slamming her phone down roughly.

You stood up and padded softly around the couch "Ria?" You grimaced at your own voice. It was hoarse from crying. She turned to you then glanced at the phone "Did you hear all that?"

You nodded so she said "Good. He needs to know what he did" "Don't hate him just because he no longer loves me. You, Frank and the kids are still the only family he has" as you spoke more tears threatened to spill from your eyes.

She quickly got to her feet and pulled you into a hug "I may forgive him one day but right now you're in tears and I wanna slap him"

\------------------------

The following weeks whenever you weren't working you were with Maria and the kids. You just didn't want to be alone. They seemed to make even your broken heart feel a little lighter.

The day Frank was set to come home you went with them to the airport. You stood with Lisa's head leaned over on you as all of you waited to see Frank working his way through the crowd. The moment he spotted all of you a broad smile spilled across his face.

"Where's Bill?" He asked when he pulled you into a hug but Maria shook her head at the question. "Oh shit Y/N. What did he do? Want me to kick some sense into him?" He asked and you knew he was genuine he loved Billy like a brother but Frank was old fashioned in the sense that while he believed women were more than capable of handling themselves he also believed to a certain extent men were still supposed to protect women.

"Naw. He um just decided he wanted something else" you answered with a shrug so he thankfully changed the subject to start talking about their tradition of going to the park the day after he got home. He asked if you wanted to join them but you wanted to let the four of them have some time alone considering he'd been gone for so long.

\----------------------

"Bye Ria, bye kids and welcome home Frank" you said with a smile kissing everyone's cheek in turn before climbing out the van. Maria beeped the horn as she pulled away from the curb.

You never would've guessed that your life was about to be torn to shreds and that what remained of your heart was on the verge of being torn from your chest by what was to come next.


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Poem Multi- Verse is by Nikita Gill

It didn't make any sense. The police report, what you'd been told had happened just didn't add up to the plans you knew they had that day. 

Frank and Maria would've been at the carousel. It was a long standing tradition. Had you and Billy not split, had your heart not been aching from the breakup you would've been with them. You knew enough people who were first responders to know there had been a bloody massacre that day involving three gangs but NYPD, the District Attorney everyone was trying so hard to shovel it down your throat that the people who were the closest thing to family you had were gunned down at a stoplight across town?

To make matters worse you had no way to find Frank. He'd been taken from the scene, you were told he was dead but there was no body. You weren't actually family so no one in places of authority was taking you seriously. 

"Y/N sweet heart. We gotta meet Father Lantom first thing" you blinked through tears you hadn't realized had found their way from your eyes down your cheeks, a few of them dropping onto the folder you had laid out in front of you. "It doesn't make sense Curt. Why them? Why Maria and Lisa and Jr? Where is Frank's body? I have so many questions and no damn answers" 

He held out a hand to pull you to your feet and you let him. He waved a hand around the floor where you'd been pouring over everything you had actually managed to get your hands on. "This isn't helping you. We'll find him. Wherever he ended up. If he's in a potter's field we will get him excavated and moved to be next to them but dammit me and you gotta help each other here. They both would've kicked my ass if I let you drive yourself into the ground. You're still my family and I still have your back but we gotta get through this first ok?" 

You nodded slowly "Thank you Curt. I really don't know what I would do without you" you pulled him into a hug and he held you for a few moments until he could tell you wouldn't break into a thousand pieces from him letting go. He nodded towards your bedroom "Get some rest"

You crouched to collect everything off the floor and could feel him watching you "I promise I'm headed in as soon as I clean this up. I just don't think I can look at this then hold it together for the service" he didn't look like he believed you but his phone started ringing and you knew from the particular tone it was Billy calling "Go talk to him. I'll be fine" you forced a small smile onto your face and managed to hold it until the guest bedroom door shut behind Curtis then you crumpled onto the floor holding all the files and paperwork in your lap.

You hadn't thought you could hurt worse but that day had destroyed any notion of moving forward you'd held onto. Nearly everyone who mattered to you had been ripped away and you knew you were being lied to by a lot of people, what you didn't know was why or how to uncover the truth.

You had the next two and a half weeks off thanks to everyone at the station house that you'd worked with for so long offering up their own furlough days to the cause. Jason and Chief Michelson knew you weren't mentally capable of handling your job at the moment and had been more than understanding. 

You didn't want to lay all your trauma at Curtis' feet either. Frank had been like a brother to him. He'd known Maria the entire time she'd been with Frank and had held the kids as babies. You knew he was hurting. Billy had been keeping in contact with him multiple times a day for the last week. He'd tried calling you the first few days but you couldn't do it. The thread you were hanging on by was simply so bare. You couldn't chance it snapping. Not before you could at the very least lay Maria and the kids to rest.

You couldn't stand the thought of Frank's body being out there somewhere. Him going unclaimed, people assuming he had no one who loved him. You owed it to Maria and to him to find him. You had to make sure he was next to them but to do that you had to get through the next day. You slowly pushed yourself to your feet and trudged towards your room. You could hear Curtis' voice muffled slightly by the door and swore you heard your name but you were too exhausted to care. 

You walked into your room and collapsed across the bed. You knew the night wouldn't be easy on you. Your unconscious mind was the monster waiting under the bed but you couldn't risk falling asleep during daylight hours you had too much work to be done.

\------------------------

The next morning when your alarm went off you'd already been awake for hours staring at a photo on your wall. It was from the day Maria and Frank had gotten married. She looked so happy with her head laid over on Frank's chest. 

How the hell were you supposed to say goodbye to someone who'd meant so much to you? You were broke out your thoughts by Curtis' light knock at the door "Y/N?" "Come in Curt" you responded pushing your blankets off your legs. He opened the door and the smell of coffee hit your nose.

He had the mug he usually used at your place in one hand and your favorite mug in the other. "I made coffee. Can we talk for a second before you start getting dressed?" You slid up the bed into a seated position and patted the mattress not far from you "Of course"

He handed your coffee over then sat down. You took a few tentative sips while you waited for him to speak. After a moment he finally said "Billy called last night to see how you're holding up" "I appreciate it" it was the truth. He nodded then said "He wanted to know if it was ok if he sits with us at the funeral"

You drew your feet up under you and stared down into your coffee. Did you want to be sitting next to Billy while you mourned Maria and the kids? It seemed only right. Him and Curtis were Frank's best friends just as you were Maria's. "Of course" you finally spoke and Curtis watched you for a second before saying "Ok. I'll call him while you're getting dressed"

You watched silently while he stood and went to walk out the room but before he could step out you said "Thank you for being here Curt" he gave you a small smile and said "Always" before shutting the door behind him.

\---------------------

You hugged your arms tightly around yourself as you walked into the church. Since you and a couple of Maria's cousins had been the ones to make the arrangements all of you had to meet Father Lantom before the service just to insure how you wanted it to go.

You spotted Eliza and her husband Bryan at the head of the church but felt a wave of nausea wash over you at the sight of the bigger white casket that had been picked for Maria sitting between the smaller silver caskets that held Lisa and Frank Jr. "I can't do this Curt" you whispered feeling his hand at your lower back "It's ok Y/N" you felt yourself sway slightly. God you had to be stronger than this. Maria had been there for you through so much. Hell the two of you had went through Vivian and Jon's deaths together. You could do this, you had to.

\------------------------

You were sitting in the second row of the church. Curtis was sitting on one side of you and Alice was sitting on your other side holding your hand. Billy was on the other side of Curtis while Kenzie was next to Alice. 

Your eyes hadn't moved from the caskets until Father Lantom said "Maria's best friend Y/N is going to share a few words with us" you took a deep breath and felt Alice and Curtis both squeeze your hands as you stood and walked to the front of the church.

Father Lantom hugged you and whispered "I am so sorry. If you ever need someone to talk to I'm here" the two of you had talked in great length already. He knew how conflicted you were and despite you not being Catholic had offered any counselling help he could. You nodded and said "Thank you" then climbed the two steps to the pulpit.

  
  


You looked across the crowd and recognized nearly everyone there. When your eyes skimmed over Billy he met your gaze and those dark brown eyes held you for a second before you started talking "Most of you know me. Maria's parents pretty much adopted me so she was so much more than a friend she was like a big sister. I learned what love and family was from her. Every choice I made she was there. The day I graduated high school she was in the crowd making a very large amount of noise for one woman" you took another deep breath then continued "The day she got married, I was her maid of honor. When she had Lisa and Frank Jr I was in the delivery room holding her hand. I feel like a piece of my own heart is laying before us today. My world stopped when these souls were ripped away from us. No matter what Maria was always there. Lisa and Frank Jr barely got a start at life. The world isn't fair, it isn't just..." 

You lowered your head and took a few deep breaths. You just had to hold it together a little while longer "There's a poet that me and Maria both liked. One of her pieces seemed to fit so I thought I'd share it" you locked eyes with Billy again and knew he could tell you were barely hanging on. No matter what had happened between the two of you, he knew you inside and out.

Curtis caught your eyes and mouthed "You ok?" You nodded then finally continued "It's called Multi-Verse. I'm just going to share a small part.. How comforting to think that there are so many universes. Perhaps one where the titanic did not sink, One where humanity is kind to the earth, not a curse. Possibly one where magic is real. Where faith is rewarded instead of scorned. And perhaps even one where I do not grieve because you are alive and I have no need to mourn"

The tears were flowing freely enough you could barely see straight so you simply said "This was my family if I ever had one. As long as I live, I will keep their memories alive. They deserved so much more and I can only hope somewhere they're all happy and together" you stepped away from the pulpit and Father Lantom helped you walk down.

Billy was standing to the end of your row of pews. One look to each other was all it took. He pulled you against his chest and you felt your shoulders start to shake with the force of your sobs as soon as he wrapped his arms around you. Alice and Kenzie moved down so he could ease you into the pew on the end. "It hurts so much Billy" you whispered clinging to his suit jacket. He soothingly ran a hand across your back "I know sweetheart. We're all here for you. I'm here for you and I am so sorry" you didn't ask for which thing he meant, you simply allowed yourself the comfort.

\-------------------------

After the graveside service was over you took Alice and Kenzie's offered ride home. "Call if you need me" Curtis reminded you as he pulled you into a hug. Billy stood silently watching you as you walked away with Alice's arm around your waist. You were exhausted mentally and physically.

You were sitting with your head laid over on the window when Kenzie pulled over in front of your building. "Do you want us to stay a while? We don't have any plans" Alice offered but you shook your head "I love you both for the offer but I just want some time alone and before you say it I promise to call if it gets bad" 

Alice leaned over the seat and kissed your forehead "I love you too partner" you tried to smile but couldn't quite manage it. "Bye Kenz. I love you too" you said and patted her shoulder before climbing out. 

You knew they wouldn't pull off until you were inside so you waved once then walked in the door. You wanted to shower, change into comfortable clothes and cry in the privacy of your own home. Mourning wasn't a step by step thing everyone did it their own way and you had to figure out yours especially now that the one person you always turned to was who you were mourning.

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	18. Chapter 18

Five excruciatingly long days passed after the service for Maria and the kids before you were contacted by a medical examiner Tepper. He wanted you to come in claiming he'd gotten a John Doe in and when the period to claim a body passed the John Doe had been cremated but from the description there was a possibility it was Frank. They still had the personal effects that you could come down and look over.

You wrote down the address with a shaky hand then told him you'd be there within the hour. After you hung up with him you stared at your phone trying to figure out who you could call to go with you. Alice was at work, same as Kenzie. You hated to burden him with yet another thing but Curtis seemed like the most logical choice. You hadn't really talked to Billy even though he'd been the shoulder supporting you to lay Maria and the kids to rest.

You clicked his number and waited until he answered "Y/N everything ok?" "Yeah um the medical examiner um Tepper? He handles all the unclaimed deceased and finally contacted me. They got someone in who matches Frank's description but since it passed the time for a body to be claimed they cremated him. I just don't want to go alone Curt" he let out a breath then said "Of course I'll be to your place in a few" you thanked him then hung up. You needed to change into actual clothes and at least attempt a try at your hair before he got there.

\--------------------

You had just grabbed your bag and phone when you heard a knock at your door. "I'm coming!" You called out grabbing your jacket from the back of the couch. You slid it on then opened the door but stopped dead in your tracks at who was on the other side "Billy..what are you doing here" you took a step back without realizing it. It just felt better having a little distance between the two of you. 

He pulled his bottom lip between his teeth as he met your eyes. You knew it was a nervous habit of his. "Don't be mad at Curt. He was in the middle of group when you called, one of the guys is in bad shape so he called me to see if I would go with you to the M.E." You really didn't want to go alone and you understood that one of the guys in the group needed Curtis so instead of sending Billy away you nodded "Ok. I've got the address written down. There's supposed to be some personal effects they need me to identify" "Let's go then"

You stepped out into the hall and felt Billy's eyes on you as you locked up your apartment then headed for the elevator. He was silent the entire way down.

\--------------------

There was a black car parked near the entrance of your building so you glanced over your shoulder at him "That you?" He nodded "It's one of the company cars we just got. I was at Anvil when you called" "I see it's doing well" you replied walking to the passenger side after he unlocked it.

You closed your eyes just for a second as he pulled out onto the road. You didn't want to feel like you did around Billy, especially after everything that had happened in the last four months. "How have you been?" He asked not taking his eyes off the road.

"I have good days and not so good days. Curt is always just a phone call away, same as Alice so that helps especially since Kenz is a psychiatrist" you tried not to look as him as you spoke knowing that would only make your already raw emotions that much worse. "If you ever need me I'm around" he spoke and it took everything in you to not tear up as you shook your head "That's not a good idea" he cut his eyes at you but when he realized you didn't plan to meet his gaze he turned his attention back to the road.

"What do we do if it is Frank?" He asked turning down the street you directed him to. "His parents are dead, he was an only child. I guess I'll meet up with Curtis later and we can spread his ashes in the Hudson. When I can I'll get a headstone to go with Maria and the kids to give him a more lasting memorial" "Can I come along?" He asked and you kicked yourself mentally Frank was his best friend after all. "Of course Billy. He was your friend too despite anything that ended between us" he looked like he wanted to say something but remained quiet as he pulled into the parking garage for the medical examiner's office.

\--------------------

Later that evening you walked along the riverfront between Curtis and Billy. The small plastic container you held in your hand felt so much heavier than it should. This just didn't feel right. You knew it was probably just denial, you didn't want to believe he was gone too but Frank had always been this force in your life. He'd been the protector and to not even see his body? It felt like he should come walking up and ask what the three of you were up to.

His wedding ring was sitting in your top dresser drawer along with the photo of Maria and the kids he always kept in his wallet which strangely hadn't been on him. You knew deep down this was a part of the lies, they was more to the story or maybe you were so desperate to have someone to blame for ripping away your family.

You handed the container to Curtis once all of you found a spot that felt right. "Should we say something?" You asked and he shrugged "You spoke at Maria's only feels right you speak now" you took a deep breath then looked between him and Billy "Frank was a brother to all three of us. Whether in a war zone or here at home, the man was complicated and intense but he loved those close to him fiercely. We will always love him and always miss him" 

You watched as Curtis took the lid off then tilted the container letting the ashes fall to the water. Billy reached out for your hand and you let him. You held his hand loosely and put your other arm around Curtis. All three of you stood there for a while just watching the sunset and being comforted by each other's presence. 

\---------------------

"Mia is in town if you want to join us for dinner?" Curtis asked glancing at you while the three of you walked back to your apartment building where they had parked their cars. You shook your head "I wouldn't be much company. Give her my love and maybe we can meet for breakfast before she leaves, my treat" "Will do, Billy?" Billy shook his head "Appreciate it man but I'm not feeling like going out"

You stopped to hug Curtis before he walked around to his driver's door. He waved to you and Billy before pulling out into the flow of traffic. Billy stood there for a moment then once you turned to head inside he gently grabbed your arm "Y/N can we talk?" You tried to keep your voice steady when you asked "About what Billy?"

He dropped his grip on your arm but held your eyes as he spoke "I still love you, I'm sorry I hurt you" you felt your stomach flip at his words. God it was too much. You couldn't handle any more heart break "Billy.. I can't. We buried Maria and the kids not even a week ago. We said goodbye to Frank today. I can't bare my soul anymore. It hurts too much. You're hurting from the loss and feeling guilty but it's ok. You know in a way you saved my life, had I not been hurting I would've been with them" you tried to step back but the pain in his eyes stopped you "Yeah I'm hurting and yeah I feel guilty but that doesn't make the fact that leaving you was a mistake. I was being a fucking idiot. There's not a woman in the world that could compare to you"

"Billy go home. I'll call you tomorrow but I can not process this right now" you crossed your arms to put a little space between the two of you so he nodded. "Ok" you turned and walked inside without so much as a glance back because you knew if you looked you would've called him back and would've been in his arms.

\--------------------

The next few days you talked to him a few times over the phone and traded some texts. You also had a few in depth conversations with Kenzie to see her professional opinion considering there was a lot of different emotions at work in both you and Billy. "He loves you. The way he looked when you were in pain, it hurt him worse than his own pain. Maybe losing the Castles opened his eyes to what's important, just listen to your gut and know if it goes south me and Alice will always have your back and you get free therapy" you knew she was trying to lighten the mood with a joke and it did help slightly. "Thanks Kenz" "anything babe" 

\---------------------

You still had a few days of furlough left so you decided to take flowers to the cemetery then go to the aquarium. You felt close to Maria and the kids there but it didn't hold the strong memories that the park did. You needed some fresh air. Maria wouldn't want you held up in your apartment like you'd been doing.

You were walking down the sidewalk when you heard someone call your name. You looked up to see the same black car Billy had been driving as he pulled off the side of the road. You walked closer when he rolled the window, that was partially opened the rest of the way down. "Where you headed?" "Flower shop, cemetery, aquarium then probably grab a bite to eat. Last couple weeks the only time I've really eaten has been when Kenz and Alice had basically babysat me until I ate well unless donuts after Curtis' meetings count" he nodded then pointed to the passenger seat "If you want some company I'll tag along" you rolled your tongue across your teeth remembering Kenzie's words. Your gut said to get in so you did which seemed to surprise Billy but in a good way. He gave you a small smile "Flower shop it is?"

\--------------------

Sunflowers were your favorite and Peonies had always been Maria's so you got a big bouquet of the two mixed for her grave plus some white roses for the kids.

Billy stood with his hand at your lower back after you'd placed the flowers, both of you staring at the names of three people who'd meant so much to you both. "I don't know if it'll ever stop hurting" you admitted and let him pull you closer into his chest "I don't know sweetheart"

\--------------------

Over the next few days you found yourself spending more and more time with Billy. He showed you his new penthouse apartment which was gorgeous but scarcely decorated. When you asked he'd smiled "Well it doesn't have a woman's touch but I'll get around to making it more liveable" 

You had known you weren't over him and how he was acting towards you made you consider that maybe it had taken a tragedy to make him see what he really wanted.

\--------------------

The two of you had went out for dinner and ended up back at his place. He hadn't so much as tried to kiss you but while you were sitting on his couch, with your feet curled up under you and him talking about a time between him, Frank and Curtis you leaned up and pressed your lips against his. 

He pulled back to study your face for several long seconds "Are you sure?" When you climbed across the cushion to straddle his lap that was answer enough for him.

The night was spent with the two of you tangled together. Every touch and word shared was full of love and it felt almost healing.

You fell asleep with your head laid over on his chest, your fingers tracing the scars you knew so well.

\---------------------

Billy had never been happier than having you back in his arms. He'd never stopped loving you. Losing Maria and the kids and Frank had pulled so much out of his soul. He fell asleep feeling your light touch against his skin dreaming of a future together once more.

Everything was ripped away with a phone call. Frank was still alive. You were still in the crosshairs and that meant he had to break your heart again and thoroughly enough this time you'd never speak to him again.

He was dressed in sweatpants and a t-shirt by the time you started to stir. He stood at the doorway watching you, wishing there was anything else he could do next. 

You smiled when you realized he was standing there. He wanted nothing more than to pull you in his arms but Rawlins words still rang in his ears "If you don't help me locate Castle it'll be no trouble finding your little medic. She can never say no to someone who needs help" 

\--------------------

"You need to get dressed. I got stuff I gotta do today" he spoke pushing every ounce of anger he felt towards the situation into his voice. You looked so hurt at his tone but climbed out the bed with the sheet wrapped around you and started gathering your clothes "Ok um just give me a sec"

He closed his eyes tightly when you dropped the sheet to pull your dress from the night before back on. Once you were dressed you came to stand in front of him "Can I call you later?" He steadied himself then shook his head "I don't think that's a good idea" "Billy?" You were already tearing up god he hated himself "I lied ok? Curt was hounding me that you were getting depressed and well I didn't like seeing you down so I figured I'd treat you for a little while. Take you out, have a little fun then let ya leave satisfied"

"You don't mean that..Billy you said you still love me" your lip trembled just for a second then he saw something flash through your eyes that was worse than anger or sadness. It was the same numbness you'd had when your brother had come to New York, you were shutting off every inch of emotions that made up who you were "I hate you" you whispered then stormed past him.

\--------------------

He'd held it together through you telling him you hated him. He held it together through you saying he was the worst mistake you'd ever made. You needed that anger, he knew it. It was best if you hated him. That was the only way to keep you safe.

"Go to hell Billy" was the last thing you said before slamming the door behind you. Everything in him wanted to run after you, wipe the tears from your eyes but he couldn't. Rawlins meant it when he said he'd kill you and it wouldn't be an easy death. He'd keep you alive, he'd make you feel every ounce of pain he could. 

Now he once again had to watch you walk away from him and know that he had to face everything he'd done. He had to find Frank, he'd tell him Rawlins' involvement in Maria and the kids being killed. He'd even tell Frank that he'd known an attack was coming but it was just supposed to be against Frank himself no one else certainly not Maria and the kids.If Frank killed him afterwards so fucking be it. As long as you were safe.

He stared at the door you'd left out of knowing that was the last chance he'd had with you. He took a deep breath then turned to walk into his bedroom, mind going into overdrive already planning the next steps he'd have to pull together. At the sight of his bed, sheets still tousled from where you'd been wrapped in his arms hours before he lost every bit of composure he'd been clinging to. 

By the time he crumpled to the floor staring at the wall his bedroom looked like a war zone around him. The dresser was laying sideways. Holes littered the wall and every photo was smashed. Why had he let everything get out of control? He'd cost the lives of a woman who'd welcomed him into her family, trusted him to have her husband's back in war and to be an uncle to her children. Two kids who he'd loved more than anything on this earth and who made him dream about having his own.

He'd also destroyed the lives of a man who was closer than a brother to him and ripped the heart out of the only woman he'd ever loved. He deserved worse than death but he had to get to his feet. He had to continue to play the game Rawlins laid out. It was his only option to keep you alive and now that was his only goal. Even if you hated him he'd know somewhere you were still drawing breath and even if that didn't change anything at least he could keep that promise he'd made to Maria years before that you would be safe as long as he was alive. That was the least he could do.

\--------------------

You made it to the sidewalk before your emotions washed back over you in a wave. You started walking as you pulled your cell out and hit Alice's number. She answered on the second ring "Hello honey. What's up?" Hearing her voice made the dam break "Can you or Kenz come get me?"

"What happened?" She asked and you could hear Kenzie questioning her in the background. You wiped the tears flowing from your eyes before managing to get out "It was all a lie. Him being there for me, everything" "We're on the way" she said and before she hung up you heard her tell Kenzie "God damn Russo"

  
  
  
  



	19. Chapter 19

"C'mon Y/N. We'll order in or I'll cook then we can watch movies and you can just hang out with us" This was the third time Alice had asked you to spend an evening with her and Kenzie. You knew her heart was in the right place but you just couldn't stomach the idea. You hadn't been in the best of headspace the last few months. Kenzie of course noticed and every time she got a few spare moments either texted or called trying to get you to talk to her. Alice would do her best while the two of you would be working to get you to communicate more but the station house always provided easy enough distractions.

"I'm gonna swing by Curt's meeting later. Make sure he has enough hands for the soup kitchen this week so I won't be alone" you hoped that would be enough to get her to back off but she stopped counting gauze and laid the clipboard down on the stretcher in the middle of the ambulance. She took a deep breath then reached across and grabbed your hand "Y/N what Billy did was not your fault. He used the fact that you were in pain to get you back in bed. If he can't face the fact that he let the best woman in New York slip through his fingers that's his damage, not yours. I hate seeing you beat yourself up for loving him. Maria nor Frank would want this for you"

You snatched your hand away from her not missing the look of hurt that quickly crossed her face but not knowing what else to do "They're not here to say what they would want for me are they? How dare I have the thought that the tragedy of losing most of my family could've somehow made Billy change his mind. That's my damage and I don't need you or Curtis or Kenzie telling me otherwise. You've got to let me work through hating myself and get to the other side. I love all of you so much but I refuse to burden any of you with this. If it gets where I absolutely can not handle it I promise I will ask for help but until then please Alice just drop it ok?"

You could see what you said had bothered her and started to apologize just so you wouldn't have to risk losing anyone else but she smiled softly "Ok sweetie just know no matter what we have your back too ok?" "Thanks partner" you all but whispered and she nodded then picked up the clipboard "Let's finish this restock in enough time and I may be able to buy you a coffee before we part ways for the evening dear" you let a small smile slip onto your face at her words so you replied "Now you're talking my language"

\---------------------

You knew you'd be welcomed to stay for the meeting. After meeting some of the regulars you found out Curtis had mentioned you in passing during a few stories. You weren't really considered a civvie because of how much you'd seen not only through being in the lives of a Navy Corpsman and two marines but in your job as well. 

The ones who'd been coming to the group or the soup kitchen for a while knew your face and knew you could be trusted but you didn't want to stick around in fear that Curt would try to rope you into sharing your trauma and you weren't exactly in the mood to do so.

Of course he walked you out to the sidewalk and made sure you were safely in a cab before heading back in the building. You just wanted to go home.

\--------------------

You'd just fell asleep a little after one in the morning when you were startled awake by the sound of someone pounding heavily on your door. You instinctively reached into your nightstand tapping the code on your lock box where you kept the 9mm Frank and Billy had long ago talked you into buying. You took a deep breath to try to remain calm as you clicked the safety off and walked cautiously towards the door.

Right before you leaned up to glance out the peep hole you heard a voice you never thought you'd hear again say "Y/N it's me" you threw the chain lock off and made quick work of the deadbolt and handle lock. When you opened the door Frank was standing there obviously wounded but very much alive. He gave you a half smile then nearly collapsed into your arms

"Woah Frank. I got ya" you were moving on pure instinct overriding the shock to your system at seeing him. You struggled under his weight to get him into the apartment and kicked the door shut behind you. You half drug him to the couch and dumped him on it with a grunt from you both. When he leaned back you saw the blood that was covering most of his body "Frank they told me you were dead" You were trying to make sense of the chaos in your mind as you laid your gun down on the coffee table then told him "Stay still don't move" and ran into your bedroom to grab your med bag out the closet.

When you made it back into the living room he was struggling out the hoodie he had on so you moved to help him. Your breath caught in your throat when the skin underneath was revealed. Dark purple bruises were piled on top of yellow ones that were still healing and what looked very much like a bullet graze was still bleeding on his side.

"What happened Frank?" You asked while you pulled gloves on and started digging for supplies you'd need "How's about patching me up then I'll answer any question you have Y/N"

You worked in silence except for a grunt from Frank when you stitched his side then put a few staples in his head where a gash was leaking over his eyebrow. Once you were done you gave a quick once over of his chest to make sure you hadn't missed anything then said "I don't have any pants that'll fit you but I have a couple shirts that I sleep in that should be big enough if you want" he nodded so you walked to the kitchen to throw the bloody gloves and gauze in the trash then headed into the bedroom to grab him a shirt.

You opened the dresser drawer and took in a deep breath. Frank was alive. That meant you'd been right. It was all a cover up, someone in a very high place was behind all this. They'd even went to the extent of giving you someone else's ashes as Frank's. Where the hell had they gotten his wedding ring? Where had he been all this time and what had he gotten himself into to be in the shape he was in?

You didn't realize how long you'd been standing there staring into the drawer until Frank cleared his throat from the doorway. You hoped the little jump you gave went unnoticed as you grabbed a shirt and turned to hold it out to him "Frank what is going on? I was told you were dead. Hell i was given ashes along with your wedding ring and the photo you've always carried of Maria and the kids." He took the shirt from your outstretched hand and looked it over intently before finally saying "I thought I was dead. Hell I wanted to be dead kid. I woke up in a hospital guess I caught a bullet too. Some um some janitor helped me get out"

"Why didn't you come to me sooner? Or Curt? Hell even Billy?" Just saying his name made your stomach lurch but you had to know. "Y/N I know you well enough to know you've connected the dots. This goes so much deeper and I..i couldn't risk pulling any of you into it while it was still hot. It was a set up. What happened that day...Y/N I'm going after everyone who had a hand in it"

You grabbed the dresser to steady yourself when the weight of his words hit you. There had been three different gangs involved that day and now one of the people you thought you'd lost was standing here alive and mainly well telling you he was going to take them all on? "Frank" you knew he could tell what you were thinking just from the look on your face.

"I've got to do this. I don't want to be talked out of it and I wouldn't have came here but I couldn't make it back to my van. I watched for a while to make sure no one saw me come in. I don't want you in danger. I can't see you dead too" you didn't think your heart could crumple any more than it already had but seeing Frank a decorated Marine and one of the strongest men you'd ever known look so broken standing in front of you the last few pieces shattered in your chest.

Without thinking you wrapped your arms around him in a hug and felt him tense a moment but he finally allowed himself to relax "I've missed you too kid" he said after a moment. You pulled back and looked him in the eye. "Frank I don't want to lose you too but I understand why you feel like you have to do this. They need to pay every last one of them and if whoever is behind this cover-up can pull it off the law won't be any help. I don't have the skills to help you go after these men but as long as you can either make it here or dial a phone I will come to you no matter when or where. Promise me if you get hurt again you'll let me help you every time. No matter what. I owe that to Maria, and to you. You're still my family"

He was silent for a moment then gave a sharp nod "I promise but you can't tell Curtis or Billy you saw me. Got it?" you nodded then hugged him once more and said "go get cleaned up. I'll see what food I can wrangle you up because I'm betting you haven't eaten a decent meal in a while"

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You watched Frank leave a little before six. He was wearing one of the old hoodies you slept in and you'd also given him one of your winter caps to help cover his face.He'd asked you to hold on to his ring and the picture for him which you'd agreed to under the pretense that he'd make it through to one day get them back from you. You hated knowing he was putting his life in danger but you also understood if whoever had started this ball rolling knew he was still alive his life would end then and there.

For the first time in longer than you could remember you said a prayer. You didn't know if anyone was listening or what it said about your soul begging for protection for someone going out to kill others but you didn't care. You wanted him alive at the end of the day to be able to watch whoever had ripped Maria, Lisa and Frank Jr from this world burn to ash.

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The next day you were headed to work but decided to grab a paper on the way. What could it hurt?

You tucked it under your arm and walked the rest of the way to the station house. 

Jason spoke to you when you walked in the door and Alice held out a cup of coffee then followed you to the locker room after you greeted everyone lounging around the common room. 

She plopped down on one of the benches and watched you as you stowed all your belongings in the locker but you didn't notice how intensely she'd been watching until you turned around "Yes Ms Hendrixs? Would you like to share with the class?" You asked with an almost genuine smile she shook her head slowly "No it's just you seem a little more I don't know lighter? Like I know you're still mourning and that is completely normal but you seem like a bit of your fire is starting to return"

You thought about it for a moment. Frank was alive and while that information came along with knowing the danger he was in and the fact that you'd been right about it all being a cover up it still helped the gaping hole in your heart even slightly just to know he was still breathing. You didn't lose them all and those who were responsible for taking Maria and the kids would pay for it. You shrugged after choosing what you could say to Alice to appease her "I talked with Curt and I let some of what you and Kenzie have been saying sink in finally I guess. I'll miss them every day but I'm still alive and I can't lose sight of who I am. Maria wouldn't want that for me"

She stood then slung her arm around your shoulders "I'm glad it's finally sinking in. They loved you so much Y/N. I know what happened was horrible but these last few weeks I've been afraid I was going to lose my partner" you felt a wave of guilt wash over you. You hadn't realized that by wrapping yourself up in your pain you'd shut out those you had left. "I'm sorry I made you feel like that Alice" "No apologies needed my love. Now let's drink our coffee and maybe you'll even get to read your paper before the insanity kicks in" you walked with her back out to the common area and couldn't help but laughed when she told Hunter "Off and on dude. Me and Y/N are calling the couch"

He shook his head but obliged choosing to join Andrew and Kayla at the table in the corner when it looked like they were playing poker already. Yeah it was gonna be a fun shift.

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It didn't occur to you that even subconsciously you were looking for who Frank had taken on already. Your eyes were skimming over the pages when a small portion that read "Gang wars igniting" caught your attention. According to the albeit small article that at press time all they knew was that several members of the gang Dogs of Hell had been slaughtered in what appeared to be gang violence.

It made sense. Three gangs had been involved in the massacre at the park. The Dogs of Hell, Mexican cartel and the Irish. You let out a breath and saw Alice cut her eyes at you "Bad news in the paper?" She asked so you folded it up and shook your head "Nothing unexpected"

Before your mind could attempt to play out a dozen scenarios of Frank getting killed instead of doing the killing a call came through requesting an ambulance at an apartment building across town "C'mon partner let's get on it" you said with a smile as you stood and pulled her up with you so both of you could head towards the bays.


	20. Chapter 20

You knew Frank's appearances at your door would be few and far between. He was doing his best to keep those he cared about that was still breathing in that shape. You just wished there was more you could do to help him besides keeping your phone turned on at night should he need a patch job unexpectedly.

He was dropping bodies faster than the news or police could keep up. You had enough contacts in the NYPD after so many years of being a paramedic that rumors floated your way. A war between gangs was the best theory. Those who knew what was going on were worried about who would be next or if a civilian would end up in the cross hairs. You knew that wouldn't happen. Frank wasn't a bad guy, he wasn't some psychopath. He was a man who had watched his family get slaughtered and not be able to stop it. Lack of skills was the only thing keeping you from insisting on being at his side.

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You were trying to find some semblance of a new routine. You'd help Curtis with the meetings he held, the soup kitchen and had dinner with him at least once a week. You started going over to Alice and Kenzie's at least one night a week. You had to keep your head on straight should the occasion arise Frank need you.

A part of you felt wrong not telling Curtis. He deserved to know Frank was alive. It's not like he'd say anything but you had made a promise to not tell anyone and nothing could make you break that promise.

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Of course around the station house discourse was coming up as to what was actually going on. Some believed what the news was reporting, others thought it was some sort of secret government clean up. You kept your mouth shut and stayed clear of any and all discussions revolving around the gang murders.

You were almost off shift one night when the news of Metro-General being shot up by a lone gunman came through. Apparently he was after a witness involving the Irish gang murders. Your eyes flew up to Jason's when he said those words "How do you know that?" You asked a lot harsher than you meant to. He shrugged "sergeant Mahoney. You remember him don't ya?" You nodded so he continued "He told me. From what they're thinking this guy is the person behind all the killings a one man wrecking crew"

"Well if he shot up the hospital they'll have footage and be able to identify him" Kayla tossed out only to be over talked by Jessie who said "Who cares? Not a single civvie has been injured. Cops need to stay out of it and let the man work" any further conversation was lost to you from the sound of your own heartbeat pounding in your ears. They'd know who he was. Fuck all of New York would know Frank was alive and his face would be plastered every where. You couldn't keep him safe.

"Y/N you ok? You're a bit flushed" Alice asked in all but a whisper. You slowly shook your head and checked your watch "No I'm not. I um do you think you can cover me leaving early? Riley and Ash will be here soon" "Of course. Is there something I can help with?" You shook your head and headed to the locker room "No but I promise I'll call you in the morning"

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You hadn't made it but a couple blocks when your phone started ringing from a blocked number "Hello?" You answered cautiously and let out a breath you hadn't realized you'd been holding when Frank's voice was the one on the other end "Hey kid" you glanced around and saw the only other people on the sidewalk were out of ear shot but you lowered your voice regardless "You went after one of the pieces of scum at a hospital?" "No one got hurt. You know me better than that" 

You ran a hand across your face so as to not get louder "No shit. I meant the fucking cameras. NYPD knows you're behind the killings. Cameras are a bitch. They're gonna find out who you are" "This the part where you tell me you can't help me any more" "Of fucking course not. I'm a paramedic and have no legal requirement to report who i render aid to off the clock. I'm just worried about you" "Don't be. I'll come by your place once I'm sure no one knows I'm coming. I just need you to make sure my nose ain't broke" "I'll be around" you said to the dead line and cursed before sliding the phone back into your pocket. Shit was about to get real deep.

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"So you shot daredevil? Did you fucking kill him?" You asked Frank once you'd popped his nose back into place and made sure there would be no lasting damage. "Naw I hit mainly helmet. He'll have one hell of a headache but I'm sure I'll see that red asshole again soon enough" you wanted to laugh to keep from crying. For the first time in a while you were terrified and not for yourself. What if the remaining members of any of the gangs caught up with Frank? 

"I'll be fine Y/N. If you can't handle this anymore I get it sweetheart. It's getting neck deep" you forgot at times just how long you'd known Frank when he read your expressions like that it was a reminder. "I ain't going anywhere just..just stay alive Frankie. Please?" He pressed a quick kiss to your temple "I'll be fine" before you could say anything he was disappearing out your door and down the hall. You glanced out and didn't catch so much as a glimpse of his back. "From your mouth to God's ear" you said to the empty hall then shut your door and locked it. You glanced at the time and said a silent thank you to the powers that be that you were off the following day,you needed a shower and a nap.

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Your phone ringing broke you out of your sleep and you groaned when you looked at the time to see you had barely hit four hours.

You felt around on your nightstand then bought the phone to your ear without even looking at the caller i.d. "Hello?" "Y/N I need a favor" you sat up blinking at Kenzie's voice "What's wrong? Did something happen? Are you ok? Is Alice ok?"

Your heart was pounding in your chest and you knew it was just a gut reaction to what had happened with Maria and the kids but you couldn't help it. "Y/N deep breath. I'm ok. Alice is ok. She's just busy and I need some paramedic version of help for a friend of mine" you pushed the blanket off your legs and was already walking into your closet as you asked "There a reason they can't call an on duty squad?" 

"Well um his friend is blind and a bit self conscious about getting hurt and he knows I'm with Alice so he called to see if she could come over and since she can't I figured I'd see if you were busy" you reached for a pair of jeans but stopped halfway "This friend have a name by chance?" "Franklin Nelson? You know Nelson and Murdock?" "The law firm that handled the Fisk case? Yeah everyone knows them" you answered sliding the jeans onto your legs. "Well I've known Foggy for a while and apparently last night Matt his law partner took a fall and got a pretty good lick to the head but doesn't want to go in. Can you go to Matt's apartment and check him over?" 

"Text me the address and make sure Foggy knows I'm coming" you replied and you heard a ding and saw where she'd already sent the address through "Thank you so much Y/N" "Anything for you dear" you told her before she said bye. You laid the phone down so you could finish getting dressed. Wonder if Foggy had some coffee made because you didn't want to take the time to make any.

\---------------------

You walked up the stairs checking numbers until you were at the one Kenzie had said. You hesitated for a second and shifted your med bag before knocking. "One second!" A voice called out before the door opened to show a friendly looking guy with longish hair who was a little on the bigger side but his smile made you feel at ease. 

"You must be Y/N" he said and offered his hand. You shook it then patted your bag "Did this give me away" "a bit" he replied then added "I'm Foggy by the way" "Nice to meet you but where's the injured person I'm here for?" You didn't want to seem rude but if you were lucky maybe you could grab some coffee after you left and get a nap before meeting Curtis later that evening.

"Oh yeah he's on the couch" he said waving his hand into the apartment so you walked past him stopping so he could close the door and show you further inside. 

On the couch was a brown haired guy who appeared to just be wearing boxers laid back covered with a blanket and his eyes closed. "Matt the paramedic is here" Foggy announced so Matt sat up pulling the blanket further up. You appreciated the thought but you'd seen a lot worse than his bare chest and legs. He was a good looking guy and just a small part of you felt weird for acknowledging that even to yourself. Maybe it was the fact that he was a patient or maybe some remnant of the past lingering in your mind. You pushed it away quickly going into work mode.

"Um Mr Murdock? My name's Y/N is it ok if I give you a once over?" You asked and he smiled slightly "of course. Forewarning don't try to see if my eyes are dilated and it's Matt by the way" "Well I see your sense of humor wasn't hurt huh Matt?" You asked sitting your bag down on the table next to him before digging out gloves.

You checked him over and once you cleaned the blood away saw that dermabond would do the trick to close what wound was there. "How'd this happen again?" You asked as you worked. "I fell" Matt answered almost before you finished asking. "Well if you don't mind me saying don't you have a cane or something? I'd suggest using it" "Yes ma'am" he replied but the way he tracked your movements not with his eyes but with his actions made you feel there was a lot more to him and how he'd gotten hurt than what you were being told but you brushed it off and finished cleaning him up then stripped your gloves off.

"Well Matt you're good to go. Give it a little while but by tonight showering is fine. I wouldn't suggest taking any more blows to the area so be extra careful please. You can take aspirin as needed. You may have some dizziness or ringing in your ears. That's common but if you feel you're losing any hearing or if the pain gets worse than over the counter meds can help I would suggest going to the hospital" "Thank you Y/N" he smiled when he spoke and once again you got the feeling of something else going on but you brushed it off.

You gathered your things then smiled at Foggy "Do you want my cell number so you can contact me directly should he get hurt again? I don't mind helping who I can" "Actually that would be great" he held his phone out so you added your number and your name plus paramedic by it in parenthesis. You handed his phone back then said "Take care you two and nice work on the Fisk case" "Thanks and thanks for taking care of Matt" Foggy said and Matt added "If you ever need a lawyer feel free to look us up" "I'll keep that in mind" you laughed then showed yourself out. 

So maybe some of Maria's tendencies of claiming strays had rubbed off on you. Those two seemed like decent guys and if Kenzie liked them they must be. Besides when was having two lawyers on your side a bad thing? You shook your head as you walked down the stairs. Quick stop at the coffee shop then you could maybe catch another hour or so before meeting Curtis later.

\----------------------

You were just walking downstairs to Curtis' car when your phone started ringing from a blocked number again. You took a breath and held it considering it was night them. That was when Frank hunted so that was when he ended up hurt.

"Y/N. Any way you can bring me a couple suture kits?" You turned around and walked right back into your apartment "Where to? Curtis is waiting downstairs for me so what do I tell him?" There was silence for a moment then Frank spoke "That's even better. I'll give you the address get him to wait on you in the car, just say it's personal. Come up to the roof, give me the kits then get as far from here as possible got me?" You shoved three suture kits out your med bag into your purse and added your gun as well. Frank sounded like trouble was brewing and you didn't want to walk in naked. "Be there in ten" you said then he hung up without another word.

\----------------------

You had to hand it to Curtis. Yes he was extremely protective of you but when you told him it was personal he agreed to wait in the car given you be back down in the agreed on twenty minutes. "If I'm not down feel free to call the calvary and come busting doors down ok?" He had rolled his eyes at your comment but laughed nonetheless.

The walk up the stairs you were waiting for someone to point out that you didn't belong here. You could talk your way out the situation of course but you also didn't know what was going on with Frank so better not to even be caught. You made it to the roof access door and the moment your hand touched the handle it opened to show Frank on the other side. 

He pulled you out onto the roof checking the stairwell behind you in the meantime. "I bought you three kits. I didn't know how badly you were hurt this time" you held the kits out and he nodded "Thanks it's just a bullet graze. Shit went a little sideways" you heard what sounded like chains rattling and your eyes went wide "Frank do you have someone tied up?"

He looked over his shoulder and gave a sharp nod "Told ya I'd be seeing red again" you pushed past him despite him telling you to go back down and followed the sound of the chain. When you walked around the corner there was daredevil himself chained to a portion of the roof. "At least tell me you didn't shoot him again" you whispered to Frank.

Daredevil's face turned up at your voice. "Who's that?" "None of your fucking concern. Forget she was here or we'll have problems" Frank's voice was a growl but you were frozen to the spot. That voice, added into where Daredevil's helmet was damaged and the familiar way he tracked movement. It wasn't possible was it? Matt was blind, you'd checked his eyes yourself but you had that same feeling you did in his apartment and he'd gotten hurt the same night Frank had shot Daredevil. 

"Kid you alright?" Frank asked and you nodded. "He won't bother me. Will you red?" You wanted to call him by his name to see if he'd react but you also didn't want to let on anything considering he also knew your voice and if you were right his best friend had your cell number. He shook his head "She just bought you suture kits. I can't hold helping someone in need against her" "Good" Frank replied then touched your elbow "Get going now. Once you get back down to Curt decide you want to eat on the other end of the city, got it?" 

You nodded and started to walk off but stopped to look back at Frank. There was so much you wanted to say but with another set of ears there you didn't want to get too much into it so you simply said "Stay alive" he shrugged one shoulder and replied "I always do" 

\----------------------

"So you gonna tell me what that was about or why the sudden change in appetite?" Curtis asked as he drove down the street. You cut your eyes towards him and gave a small smile "I told you it was personal and I remembered Ash talking about the new korean barbeque place and I wanna try it" he studied you for a moment then shook his head "I know you better than that but I'm gonna let it go cause I'm hungry and you're like a sister to me so I'll trust that if you need me you'll tell me"

"You know I will Curt" you were just happy he'd chosen to let it go for tonight and said a silent prayer to whoever or whatever was listening that Frank and Matt would both still be alive and well come morning light.


	21. Chapter 21

You were walking around on eggshells after hearing about the dogs of hell having another clubhouse attacked. That was why Frank had been so hell bent on you getting the hell out of there and getting to the other side of town. Hell the clubhouse had been just across the street from the building you met him on the roof of.

There was nothing you could besides wait and hope he popped up. You knew better than even trying to actively look for him. What you hadn't been expecting was for Matt to show up at the station house.

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You were helping Jessie roll up hoses when you heard Alice call your name. When you glanced up she motioned back towards the sidewalk "Matt Murdock is here and he's asking for you" Jessie's eyebrows shot up at that "Y/N what'd you do to need a lawyer?" You tossed the hose to him before saying "I'm just keeping him on retainer. Never know when you might need one" 

You turned to follow Alice and as soon as you were out of Jessie's earshot she asked "So really what is Matt doing here?" You had an idea of why but it wasn't like you could exactly tell her you'd been hanging out on rooftops with a couple of the local vigilantes. "I gave Foggy my number after I patched him up the other day and I'm guessing Foggy knew which house you worked out of. Maybe he needs me to recheck his head" "or maybe he has a thing for you" she suggested with a grin and you let out a groan when you stepped out and saw Matt standing on the sidewalk next to the door "or maybe not" you muttered before she disappeared back inside leaving you alone with Matt.

\--------------------

"Mr Murdock. Good to see you again" you tried to keep your voice as neutral as possible but he shook his head "Can you cut the crap please Y/N. You and I both know we're beyond Mr Murdock and Ms Y/L/N at this point" you nodded then glanced around to make sure no one was paying any attention to the two of you before saying "Then what do you want from me Red?" 

The corner of his mouth ticked up slightly at your use of the nickname Frank had deemed him with. "Where is Frank?" "Frank who? I don't know any Franks" you replied then turned to head back inside but underestimated Matt moving that fast and he had his hand around your arm holding you in place. You glanced down at his hand and felt your jaw tense before you finally said "Take your hand off of me Matt" 

He released his hand and tilted his head slightly like he was listening to something you couldn't hear. "I didn't mean to piss you off. Look he needs help. The district attorney is coming after him not to mention if the gangs find him before the law does" you felt your anger start to fade at least slightly. "So he's ok? Like when the two of you parted ways?" A smile did slip onto his face before he said "Yeah he was. Why haven't you told anyone what you know about me?" You shrugged then remembered although he was apparently gifted in some way the man you were talking to was still blind so you responded "None of my business what you do with your time Murdock. I've helped a few people you've saved and seen the after math of a few of your fights. My only question is how? I mean you're blind I saw your eyes myself"

This time he shrugged then said "I can hear things other people can't. I use that to help my fighting" "so what like echolocation? Like bats and dolphins?" He nodded "In a way. Like i can hear your heartbeat and i heard Alice asking why I was here" you let out a breath that was between a sigh and a laugh. As if your life could get any weirder. "Well ok then. Anyways I'm not telling on you but I'm not telling on him either. If you need to be patched, drop me a line besides that we have no business" "Ok Y/N. I'll see you around" 

He turned to walk off and you watched him for a second before heading back inside. Wonder if Jessica Jones or Luke Cage would be the next vigilante with you on speed dial?

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You were getting ready to get off shift the next morning when your phone started ringing from a blocked number. You were in the stock room so you answered it "Where are you?" It was Frank and from the sound of his voice something was very wrong. "I'm at work, about to get off why?" "Just making sure. Stay safe and keep your eyes open kid. If something seems out of place go to Curt" "Ok" before you could say anything else the line went dead leaving you standing there with so many questions.

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You didn't know what Frank had meant until you were sitting on your couch reading that night. Your scanner was on mainly because it had become a habit since he had resurfaced. "We need an ambulance and more units. We got the punisher" 

You were on your feet and out the door without thinking about it. The taxi you'd grabbed couldn't get close to the scene so you clipped your i.d. on and darted under the police tape. You hadn't even made it to the ambulance that was sitting in the middle of the chaos before a hand touched your shoulder. You turned to see none other than sergeant Brett Mahoney. "What are you doing here Y/N? I thought you were off?" Your eyes darted towards the ambulance where you could see Frank being loaded on a stretcher. He was motionless and you were praying they'd simply sedated him "Is he alive?" A flash of realization went across his face before he nodded "He's stable but you can't be here" you took a deep breath then nodded "Ok. Thank you"

You wanted to go to the ambulance but you knew not only would Mahoney have you drug away but Frank wouldn't want you to put your face to anything so you headed for the police tape and started dialing Curtis' number. You couldn't think straight and needed someone to talk to. "Curt can you come pick me up?" "Guessing you're where they caught Frank?" You didn't question how he knew you simply said "Yeah" "Be there in five"

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"So you knew? I've been walking around feeling guilty for not telling you and you knew?" You were on the verge of tears. You were worried about Frank and really the entire last year was starting to fall down on your shoulders. "I've only known a few hours for certain. He came to see me. Wouldn't go into detail but made me promise that whatever comes next I'd keep you out of and I'd stay out of" 

You stopped mid step from pacing across his floor yet again "So he expects me to what? Leave him high and dry now?" Curtis shook his head "No he expects you to be smart and keep living" "I can't lose him again Curt" you confessed and the tears broke free. He got to his feet and pulled you into a hug "He just wants to protect you. You're all he has left of Maria" 

\------------------------

You ended up sleeping on Curtis' couch. You woke up to the sound of your phone vibrating off his coffee table. "Fucking hell" you fumbled for it and heard him in the kitchen "Y/N want coffee?" "Yes please" you replied then clicked on the two dozen alerts you had on your phone.

It ranged from texts from Alice and Kenzie to missed calls from Foggy's number and a few you didn't recognize. "So it begins" you grumbled pushing the blanket off your legs. "What begins?" Curtis asked as he walked in holding a cup out to you. You took the cup and held your phone out "all the asking if I knew and we have a meeting today that everyone has to attend even those of us who are off for the next two days" 

He handed it back then sat down next to you. "If it makes you feel better Billy has called me a half dozen times asking if I knew and even asking if you knew" "What'd you tell him?" You tried not to even glance in his direction when you asked for fear your face would give away any emotion you were trying to bury "I told him I didn't and that you didn't. I also told him to stay out of it and that there was reason Frank hadn't pulled either of us in" "You're a good man Curtis Hoyle" you said sipping the coffee while you scrolled through your texts and saw a smile slip onto his face 

You stopped on one that read "Y/N my name is Karen Page. I work with Nelson & Murdock and I need to speak with you A.S.A.P" you sent back a text that read "When and where?" Curtis checked the time then patted your leg "I gotta get to work but feel free to call if you need me. Can I drop you off at your place?" You finished your coffee and stood to take the cup to the kitchen "I would very much appreciate it"

\------------------------

About the time you were walking into your apartment your phone went off with another text "Later today? Around five? There's a diner down from my apartment" when she gave you the address you knew she lived nearby because that was the diner you always went to. "See you then" you replied then clicked Foggy's number. Better to be safe than sorry.

When he answered he sounded out of breath "Me and Matt are representing Frank apparently. He doesn't want you as a witness but Karen still thinks you can tell her some useful stuff. He's pleaded not guilty so we're going to trial. I'm headed to the courthouse to see when it starts" you missed your couch and ended up sitting hard on the floor "Fuck fuck fuck" "Exactly. I'll call you when i know more" he replied then the line went dead. 

You stared at the phone then tossed it hard up onto the couch "FUCK" what the hell were you supposed to do now? As if to answer there was a knock on your door. You pushed yourself to your feet and started to look out the peephole but Alice's voice floated through "It's me Y/N let me in!" 

The moment you opened the door she stared at you for a moment and you were worried she may start yelling after putting together what you'd been up to for so many months but she simply pulled you into a hug "How are you doing with all this?" You felt yourself relax in her embrace. God if felt good just her knowing. "Terrible but I have to stay strong for him" she nodded then pulled back "Well I'm here if you need anything got it?"

You smiled and glanced at the time "If Kenz is at work wanna grab some food before the meeting? I just got to shower and change real quick" "Of course babe" she made herself at home on your couch while you headed into your room. You were worried as to what bombshell would drop next but you knew how to put on a brave face. Get angry at the situation, Frank always said pissed off beats scared any time.

\--------------------

Alice slid her arm around your waist as the two of you walked into the station house. "Keep your head up babe and know I've got your back against any of them" you gave her a small smile which was all you could manage at the time.

Hunter looked up when he realized you and Alice had sat next to him. You braced yourself for what was sure to be the beginning of yet another onslaught of questions but he simply said "How are you ladies doing today?" You met his eyes trying to gauge if he was being genuine or trying to bait you. He appeared to be genuine so you shrugged "Well as can be expected"

Jessie sat on your other side and everyone else started filing into the room. You heard your name followed by Frank's a few times but before your temper could get the best of you Chief Michelson walked to the head of the room with Jason next to him.

\-------------------

Everyone was quiet while the meeting was going on. They knew better than to cross Chief but the moment he said that was all nearly every set of eyes in the room turned towards you. You took a deep breath then raised a hand "Chief can I address everyone while we're here?" 

He looked towards Alice and when she nodded he waved a hand towards the front of the room "It's all yours Y/N" you grabbed Alice's arm so she walked with you. You looked across the faces of your co-workers. Many of whom you'd known for years. A few were new but most of them had met Maria and the kids. They knew what you'd lost.

"Look I know all of you heard the news. Frank Castle is alive and is being accused of crimes under the name The Punisher which he was donned with by the NYPD and the District Attorney's office. I'm not going into any details further than that. He lost his wife who was my sister in every way but blood and he also lost his young son and daughter. If you have any issues working with me because of my connection to him lay it on the table now before any of us leave this room" Chief Michelson clapped a large hand onto your shoulder "I don't see you or him any differently" Jason nodded in agreement.

You glanced around the room and one by one pretty much everyone was giving some sign of affirmation that they understood what you and Frank both were going through until you heard Kayla's voice from the back of the room "So we're all just ok with her basically being related to a murderer?" 

You felt yourself bristle as she walked up to the front of the room "He's not a murderer. If he did the crimes he's being accused of every damn one of the people who are dead deserved it" Kayla whipped her head around towards Chief Michelson "So you're ok with having a fucking psychopath on squad?" "Kayla the Castles were Y/N's family. She's lost a lot" he replied and you felt Alice's hand rubbing across your back trying to soothe your already ragged nerves.

"I don't care. Dozens of people shouldn't have been killed for three deaths" the moment the words came out of Kayla's mouth you felt that dam inside of you burst. You'd taken too much and not been able to do anything about it. The image of those three caskets in the front of Father Lantom's church flashed through your head along with just how broken Frank seemed every time you'd seen him. 

You didn't think about it before throwing a punch. You caught her square on the jaw and when she stumbled you didn't give her a chance to recover before you hit her again. 

"You're fucking insane just like him!" She screamed when Jessie, Alice and Hunter finally managed to pull you back. You were struggling against their hold and hollered "I'll fucking show you insane Bitch!" 

Chief Michelson stepped between the two of you, his voice managing to carry over all the chaos "THAT'S ENOUGH" you let Alice pull you backwards snatching away from the guys and glared at Kayla who was bleeding from a split lip and her nose. "Y/N go home. Take the next couple days and I suggest if nothing else get a session in with Kenzie ok?" You nodded eyes never leaving Kayla's.

He turned to her and said "As for you. My station house is a family of sorts. That means if one of us is in pain we support each other and we damn sure don't bring the dead into an argument. Go home. You won't be coming back here I'm transferring you" 

She stormed out to clean out her locker. Jason looked from you to Alice "Hendrixs you got her?" She nodded "Yeah she's fine" he motioned towards the door so you walked out with Alice right next to you. A few of the guys gave you a small nod and you knew that was their way of supporting you.

\--------------------

When you got out onto the sidewalk Alice cracked up laughing. When you stopped and looked at her she shrugged "I gotta ask. Do you feel just a little better getting some of that out?" Despite the circumstance you cracked a small smile at her fit of the giggles "A little. Frank would've been proud of that right" she patted your back and laughed again "Damn right he would've" 

The two of you continued walking back to your apartment. You had a couple hours until you had to meet Karen Page so you figured you could drop by Curtis' meeting then schedule a day to have a session with Kenzie just to appease Chief Michelson. You also needed to see if Foggy knew a court date yet or maybe Karen would know since she apparently worked with him and Matt.

\--------------------

It didn't occur to you until you were walking into the diner that you didn't have any idea what Karen looked like. She could be anyone.

You glanced around and a pretty blonde woman in a corner booth waved at you. You figured that was the safest bet so you walked over. She smiled when you got closer then stood to shake your hand "Y/N right?" You nodded taking in her appearance. She was a knock out in every sense of the word. Tall, leggy, blonde and gorgeous but there was something about her. Alice would've called it her fire, Kenzie would've probably said her aura but she just seemed like such a genuine person. 

She was one of those people like Curtis, from the moment you meet them you can tell they're worth fighting for and that they'd fight for you. "Karen isn't it?" You asked and she smiled "Yes ma'am" then motioned to the booth "I ordered coffee" you smiled at the two cups "Oh I already like you Karen"

Once both of you had your coffee to taste she pulled out a picture from her purse and your eyes widened to see it was the one you'd taken of Frank, Maria and the kids at the carousel. You'd cleared the castle house of family photo albums when you and Curtis went there to get clothes for Maria and the kids to be buried in. You'd washed the dishes and put them in the strainer but hadn't managed to make yourself go back. It'd been sitting empty every since.

"Where'd you get that?" You asked taking it gently from her hand. "You know where. Now Matt nor Foggy will go into detail of how they know you or how you know Frank. All I know is he's protective at the mention of your name, your photo is all over his house. From what I can dig up you're who signed the paperwork for his wife and kids" 

You took a deep breath then handed the photo back. You had a copy. "His wife Maria, her parents basically adopted me. I was younger than her so she became like a big sister. I was there the day she met Frank, the day they got married and I held her hand both times she gave birth. If I could bring them back by dying today I would. I loved them more than anything" you closed your eyes to stop any tears and felt Karen reach across the table a moment before her hand tentatively brushed yours. When you let her take your hand she squeezed gently "I want to help you and Frank find out what really happened that day"

Your eyes flew up to hers in shock. Why put her neck on the line? She smiled softly "I lost someone close to me too. I know the pain that causes. Frank's trial starts next week. He told Foggy point blank he wants you kept as far away from the limelight as possible, given what happened to the rest of his family I completely understand but from what I hear about you you're not a woman that gives up easily. If you're willing to help me I think we can uncover what really happened to Maria, Lisa and Frank Jr" you took a deep breath and considered her words. 

If Frank had told Foggy to keep you from the limelight despite you being a good candidate for character witness what would he say about you pulling on this particular thread? Then again you were going by his wishes, you'd stay away from the courthouse but by God if Karen was willing to dive in with you there was no way you'd let her jump alone. "I'm in" she smiled and tilted her head towards the door "Wanna come to the office with me? I have a lot of files and maybe a few things you haven't even seen yet?" You dropped the money for the coffee on the table as you were standing up "Lead the way" 

  
  
  



	22. Chapter 22

"When's the trial set?" Alice asked while the two of you finished doing inventory of your rig for the next shift coming in. "Jury selection was today. I'm headed to their office as soon as I get off" you replied double checking the narcan to ensure there was enough. 

Alice was quiet for a moment so you glanced over at her "Spill Alice. I know there's something bouncing around your head begging to escape" she let out a harsh breath seeming to struggle with what she wanted to say next or the wording at least "Y/N I just want to make sure you're safe. I mean.." Her voice lowered to a whisper and she leaned across the gurney as if she was worried someone walking by the ambulance in the bay may overhear what she was going to say next.

You leaned forward instinctively before she continued in a whisper "Apparently you were right all along. There was a lot more to that day than was told publicly. If Frank doesn't want you testifying there's a reason and as your friend and partner I feel like I need to give voice to the concern of whoever was behind that day figuring out what you know or suspect and coming after you. I know you want to be there for Frank, I get it but what do you think it'll do to him if he loses you to whatever this is? What do you think it would do to me, Kenzie and Curtis?" 

What were you supposed to say? That you weren't worried about just that? Hell that would be a lie. You knew that at any given time whoever was behind the enormous cover up could find you through the same channels Karen had even before Foggy and Matt told her who you were. You knew that no matter the fear that you couldn't exactly cower either that wasn't who you were.

You also couldn't exactly tell her that one of Frank's lawyers was none other than daredevil either and that gave you some extra security at least while in his presence. Add that to the list of things you had to keep tight to your chest. So you went with the only card you had to play "I'm going by what Frank asked of me. I'm keeping my face out of the public spotlight. Karen, Matt and Foggy are the faces. I'm behind the scenes where I have promised you, Frank and Curt I will remain. You're not getting rid of me that easily babe" she smiled softly "Good. I'd hate to have to break in a new partner and there's no one on earth like you" you started to say the same about her but when she added "Promise me you'll start carrying that gun when you aren't on shift. I know he made sure you can handle it" you cracked a small smile "Yes ma'am. I promise"

\----------------------

When Kenzie came to pick Alice up you knew it was lost cause telling the two of them that you could walk home then take a cab to the law firm. 

They insisted on driving you to your apartment to change into street clothes and then drove you to the law firm as well. When you started to climb out the car Alice cleared her throat and nodded to your bag. You knew what she was asking so you patted it. "I'll call one of you later ok? I promise" "stay safe sweetie" Kenzie said with a smile and Alice added "We love you"

\---------------------

When you walked through the doors of the office Foggy leaned out from the conference room "Y/N you may as well join us and give an opinion" you weren't surprised that you'd yet again caught Foggy mid sentence yet he was acting as if you'd been there the entire time. He had a habit of doing that but you hadn't known him long enough to tell if it was just with you or an everybody type of thing.

You smiled at Karen and told Matt hello as you took a seat next to Foggy. "Ok what am I giving an opinion on?" Karen and Foggy exchanged a look when Matt spoke up to say "Will Frank agree to an insanity plea?" 

You didn't try to stop the laugh that bubbled from your lips. Karen looked a bit confused, Foggy looked flustered and Matt seemed just slightly amused. You knew staring down a normal blind man wouldn't do any good but something told you Matt could tell how ridiculous you found that suggestion "Look I'll be honest if I thought it'd keep him out of prison I've got a friend whose a psychiatrist but Frank's not gonna agree to that. He wasn't out of his mind. He knew who he was going after and he knew why. I just don't think he's gonna say yes but please by all means if you think it'll help him chase that lead. I'm pretty much here just to tell you about who the real Frank is and to help dig through case files"

Matt nodded then scratched at the back of his neck "Well since you're here Y/N can you think of anyone Frank would let us put on the witness stand?" You knew he didn't want you or Curtis anywhere near the courthouse, not that you could testify to any ptsd defense considering you only knew half stories of what had went down overseas. Billy's name popped into your head but you shoved it down, if he had wanted to help he would've already offered it before now. "His commanding officer is still alive? Schoonover I don't remember his first name. He'd testify as a character witness for Frank and could speak as to what went down when Frank was awarded the Navy cross" 

Karen scribbled a note down then smiled across the table at you "That's good Y/N" then she cut her eyes at Foggy "I'll go talk to Frank. Bring up the ptsd and insanity plea and also get Schoonover's first name" Foggy nodded at her then motioned to you "Look over these questions before they're took to Frank?" You stood to follow him into his office.

You glanced over the questions and shrugged "I don't see why he'd have trouble answering any. I mean his memory is still a little off from the bullet to the head but Foggy Frank's not a bad guy. He's not a psychopath" he took the notepad back from you and stared down at it for a moment before he finally met your eyes "You feel like hanging around? Give me some of the insight on Frank that you've given Karen?" You let a small smile slip onto your face. Something told you Foggy wouldn't go down in a courtroom without one hell of a fight "Of course"

\-----------------------

You were sitting cross legged on the floor by Foggy's desk. Matt had left on some errand or another, you and Foggy both knew it was something vigilante related.

You had been going over the photos from multiple different crime scenes. They were the men who had ripped Maria and the kids from the world. You honestly didn't care if they were dead but what had caught your attention was the x-ray of Frank's head. You'd known he got shot that day, had even seen the scar one of the many nights you patched him up yet seeing the hole in his skull hit you differently. 

Karen had joined the two of you with takeout and was sitting across the room. She'd gotten Schoonover's first name but Frank had said exactly what you expected, no ptsd plea. He'd also sent a message back by her telling you to stay as far away from the trial as you could or he'd refuse representation. The three of you had been working for hours in silence. Foggy's best idea for a line of defense was to find some way to bring the altered medical examiner's reports into evidence although it appeared any record of the so called ashes you'd been given had been wiped from any record.

"What was he like? I mean before the mass murderery Frank?" Foggy asked and when you cut your eyes up at him he shrugged "Sorry I meant before his family, your family was slaughtered?" You laid the x-ray down and pulled your bottom lip in between your teeth. Karen saw the real Frank somehow she grasped who he really was and Matt had fought alongside Frank. While Foggy had said there may be a chance if the cover up involving the massacre could be brought to the light you knew you needed to help him see the Frank you knew, the Frank Karen somehow had seen under the rough exterior of the punisher.

"Frank the day I met him was sitting under a tree, strumming a guitar and singing" Karen cracked a broad smile and Foggy looked genuinely shocked "Singing? Was he any good?" You laughed thinking back to that day long ago "God he was horrible but the moment his eyes met Maria's I saw the spark there. When she got pregnant three months into them dating he stepped up, no hesitation whatever. I was a stray Maria and her family had chosen to take in, Frank was no different he took me as a little sister. That man was one of the best fathers I've even seen. He beat himself up a lot for being gone but when he got stateside god you would've thought it was every holiday rolled into one. He was an amazing husband. He always would call me when he was gone to double check on Maria to make sure she was ok. And it wasn't just Maria and the kids. He was always there for me" you could feel tears threatening to escape your eyes but took a deep breath and continued

"He'd back me up when I needed it and support me when he knew I could handle it on my own. Frank is and will always be the type of man who'd lay his life down to save innocent lives. He loves with everything he has. The day everything happened I was supposed to go with them, I should've been there. Frank is a trained marine lieutenant. He's handled himself in so many war zones but look at that x-ray. He let himself be shot and you know why? He was holding his daughter in his arms while everything that was her spilled out onto the ground. He wanted to die and the damn universe wouldn't grant him that. He woke up to a world with his family gone and the people who had taken them alive. Hell he's still protecting me by not letting me testify. He's not a murderer he's just a man who's went through hell and is still enduring it every second"

You closed your eyes for a moment trying to compose yourself and when you opened them both Foggy and Karen were staring at you. "What?" "Damn I would love to have you on the witness stand" he admitted which made you and Karen shake your heads. "No I just meant you know him so well. I mean I get we don't want your life at risk and damn sure can't trust the district attorney but we somehow have to make the jury feel about Frank the way you just described him"

You shrugged and wiped your eyes "Well Mr Nelson I believe that's your job sir. I'm just a paramedic" "Thanks for the vote of confidence Y/N" he replied with an eye roll but the slight smile also told you that your words had an effect on him.

By the time all of you headed out the office to go towards your separate apartments it was leaning closer to morning than night. "Sure you two will be ok?" Foggy asked as you hailed a cab. You smiled at his concern "We live a block apart Foggy. We'll be ok I promise" "Yeah don't worry about us" Karen added with a smile.Once the two of you were in the cab a silence fell between you. There were so many questions you wanted to ask her but you didn't want to push. 

\---------------------

When the cab stopped in front of her building you climbed out with her. "You're walking the other block? This time of night?" She asked and you shrugged "I'll be ok. I can handle myself pretty well" she eyed your bag for a second "Yeah I make sure I don't leave home without mine either"

You realized what she meant and smiled "Frank taught me ages ago" "Goodnight Y/N. I'll talk to you tomorrow" "Night Karen" she started to walk up the steps into her building but you stopped her by calling her name "Yeah?" She asked and you were once again struck with not wanting to over step but also wanting answers "Why do you believe in Frank so much? I mean I know why I'm standing behind him but you have every reason to have believed what the public has built him up to be"

She stood there stoic for a moment and you kicked yourself for apparently hitting a nerve but right when you were about to apologize she said "I don't think he's a monster because he's done things that could be seen as monstrous. I've seen him talk about his wife and kids, the way he talks about you, how he wanted to make sure I knew I wasn't in danger that night at the hospital. It's like you said he's just a man who's been through hell and I like you want to see him make it to the other side"

You knew you should let it go but maybe it was years spent in and out of Curtis' group meetings and hanging out with Kenzie but you felt like there was something more that Karen desperately needed to get off her chest "What happened Karen? I mean to you?" She half smiled then said "After the trial is over I'll buy the drinks and we can have one night of spilling our trauma all over each other but for now we both need as clear heads as possible for Frank" you nodded then smiled "I'm sorry if I overstepped. One friend is a counselor and the other is a psychiatrist"

"Not at all. I know you wouldn't judge anything I have to say. You're someone who can be trusted. I knew that from the moment I met you" you felt the same about her so you simply said "Well goodnight. I'll send a text when I'm home so you know I wasn't snatched off the street or anything" "You have a warped sense of humor you know that?" She asked with a laugh so you replied "You'll grow to love that about me" she headed inside so you turned to head to your apartment lost in thought over the trial starting but also keeping observant of your surroundings.

Once you got home you texted Karen you'd made it then texted Alice so she wouldn't worry. You knew you shouldn't but you had plans to catch a few hours then pop into the courthouse the next morning to at least catch opening statements. You'd be working when all the actual testimonies started but you could at least see who got the stronger start and get a peek at Frank to see how he was healing.

  
  
  
  
  



	23. Chapter 23

The next morning you headed to the courthouse first thing. You knew it would be crowded but you weren't exactly trying to get a seat up front. Hell you were hoping to blend with the crowd so Frank wouldn't spot you.

You slid into the back and saw that while Foggy and Karen were sitting at the defense table with Frank but Matt was missing and felt anger boil up. He couldn't let the vigilante bullshit slide long enough to help Frank? 

When the judge called for opening statements you felt your stomach turn at Reyes saying that Frank was a psycho and talking about his so called victims. You ended up literally biting down on your tongue to the point the coppery taste of blood filled your mouth.

Once Foggy stood to give opening statement you took a deep breath. You watched the jury as he spoke and realized he'd in fact used a lot of what you'd told him the night before and some of the jurors seemed to actually be listening. The doors to the courtroom opened and you rolled your eyes when you saw it was Matt just now coming in.

Once Foggy finished his opening statement you were left with a small flicker of hope. Maybe he could really help Frank. The judge dismissed court for the day saying that witness testimony would start the following day.

You slid out as soon as Frank was taken from the room and was headed for the door when Karen called your name. You turned with a half smile knowing you'd been busted "I thought you had to work today?" You shook your head "Nope I'm off today" "I'm glad Frank didn't see you" you grimaced slightly at the tone she had. It reminded you a bit of Maria "I hid to make sure. I had to catch what I could i mean come on"

She smiled then "Well what did you think of Foggy's opening statement?" By then the guys had joined you so you said "I liked it. It was a nice thick slice of bullshit that hopefully sunk into some of those jurors even if some of what he said sounded familiar" Foggy smiled nervously "Who better to quote?" You shot him a wink then checked the time "Shit I got an appointment I gotta get to but Karen please keep me in the loop?" She nodded "Of course" 

\--------------------------

After the official appointment with Kenzie to satisfy Chief Michelson that you were looking after your mental health you ended up catching up with Curt for dinner.

You sat across the table from him picking at the Chinese food "How's Mia?" You asked and he nodded "She's good. Says to tell you hey. How did opening statements go?" You knew better than trying to lie so you said "Reyes is a bitch and Nelson has turned out to be a decent lawyer" 

He shook his head "Y/N didn't Frank ask for you not to be in the courthouse? He doesn't want your face in the public eye" you knew that and god you didn't want to be difficult but you couldn't stand not doing anything "I know Curt. I'm being safe like Frank asked. I know he doesn't want to risk us but can you blame me for wanting to know what's going on?" He held your gaze for a second then sighed "No but please for the love of god let Page keep you informed ok? I don't want to see you hurt and Frank can't handle anyone else dying" you ducked your head down feeling a little like a child being scolded although you knew everyone was trying to help keep you out of any crosshairs. "I promise Curt"

Conversation turned to a call you'd went on the previous week where you and Alice had ended up delivering twin girls one of whom was breach so talk of the trial was left alone for the time being.

\---------------------

You were pulling a double shift since Ash had ended up having a family emergency so you were at the station house when Karen called you. You walked out the bunk room where you'd been laying down into the common area "What happened with Tepper?" She took a shaky breath then said "Oh he admitted to everything but seeing as someone apparently threatened him first into altering everything and giving you false ashes then again last night into testifying his confession and any proof we have is worthless" "son of a bitch" you had to keep your voice down considering you were still technically in trouble for the blow up against Kayla since Chief Michelson had no other choice but to write you up.

"Don't panic yet. We still have Schoonover's testimony" "Let me know what happens?" "Of course" you hung up and stared at your phone. This was getting worse and worse.

\--------------------------

The next day Schoonover and a doctor who handled only traumatic brain injuries like Frank's would be testifying. You had already made too many promises to stay away from the courthouse so you ended up wandering around while you waited for Karen's call.

You'd just left the flower shop to head to the cemetery when your phone started ringing. You pulled it out to see it was Karen "Please tell me Schoonover's testimony was good?" "Reyes was floundering after it" you could hear the smile in her voice so you allowed yourself to take a breath "What's next?" You questioned. "We had a small break. I'll let you know what happens next. I gotta go" "Thanks Karen" "You're welcome"

You slid your phone into your pocket then continued down the sidewalk.

\-------------------------

A little over two hours passed which found you walking out your favorite coffee shop when Karen called again "Y/N we had a set back" You stopped walking to ask "What happened?" She went into detail about how the doctor's testimony went over well with the jury but that after he was done the kid of one of Frank's "victims" had an outburst in the courtroom. "Fuck" you repeated for the sixth time.

"He's testifying. I talked him into it" you opened your eyes when she said that. "Then what?" "I don't know honestly. I just wanted to make sure you knew" you noticed yet again she'd skipped over mention of Matt. From what you'd gathered she was dating him so if she didn't know he was daredevil what did she think he was doing to rank missing the biggest trial they'd ever had? You didn't really care. What would happen to Frank if Reyes got her wish? She wanted the fucking death penalty because she was neck deep in the cover-up.

\----------------------

You were so lost in your own mind you hadn't realized you'd walked blocks. Your phone rang and you saw it was Alice calling to see how the trial was going. You answered it with a shaky hand realizing you were on the opposite side of town "It's falling down Alice. I'm afraid Reyes is gonna get her wish. She wants him dead or in gen pop of prison which lets face it is the same thing" 

"Just calm down babe. Foggy is good at his job. He'll figure something out" you knew she was trying to calm you down but it wasn't working. You were pissed at the entire thing. You were pissed at the people who'd killed Maria and the kids, pissed at those in the cover-up. You were pissed at Reyes and the whole damn district attorney's office. You were pissed you couldn't testify.

You glanced up and realized you were at Anvil or across the street. You hadn't seen Billy since the morning after the night you'd spent with him. Why wasn't he trying to help Frank? You focused your anger on him and the building which at one time had held dreams of a future. One where you were happy and Frank wasn't broken. "Alice I'm probably about to get arrested at Anvil" "Y/N NO!" She said but you hung up. You quickly crossed the street and walked into the front door of the building.

The guy at the door looked you over when you walked in "Yes ma'am?" You forced a smile onto your face "Where's your boss? Russo" "Do you have an appointment?" He asked but you were already shoving past him after spotting what was clearly Billy's office.

He followed you shouting but the moment his hand closed around your upper arm you heard Billy's voice "If you value your job you'll take your hand off her" the guy quickly moved his hand and you glanced up to see Billy staring at you from a few feet away "Y/N is there something I can help you with?" "Can I talk to you?" You asked walking into his office without waiting for permission. He waved the doorman off then walked in behind you and shut the door.

You spun around to face him letting your anger fuel you before any other emotion could take over at seeing him "Why the fuck aren't you helping him Billy? I know you don't give a good god damn about me but he's your brother" 

He ran his tongue along his bottom teeth as you spoke and you knew it was something he did when he was irritated and just that knowledge of knowing him that well pissed you off even more. 

He was calm when he spoke "You could literally set fire to this building and I’d fucking let you but I’m not going to let you storm in here and tell me that I don’t love Frankie" 

"Then fucking act like it Billy! Schoonover testified! Where were you? Frank wouldn't let me near a witness stand in fact that was the only reason he agreed for Murdock and Nelson to represent him was if they kept me out of it. I can't lose him Billy. I lost Maria, Lisa, Frank Jr and.." You caught yourself before you added him onto the list of losses "I can't lose anyone else"

He walked over and sat on the edge of his desk and crossed his arms “That’s life. You either lose people or push them away. Have you ever thought Frank is trying to push you away to save your ass and you’re making it harder on everyone who wants to keep you safe?” you knew that but you didn't need Billy of all people reading the situation so well and telling you that. "Can you just fucking yell back at me or something? I came here because I figured you wouldn't care enough to spare my feelings" you admitted and saw a look flash through his dark eyes before he schooled his features “You know that even now and after all the bullshit I’ve done to you, I can’t do it. I know the shit your dad did, I know you don't like yelling and screaming so fucking rage. Tell me I'm a narcissist asshole. I deserve it"

"It wouldn't hurt me any worse than leaving me alone. I can't help him Billy do you know how that feels? My sister is dead and I can't even help her husband stay out of prison and" you wanted to add the one person who you thought you'd always be able to count on had up and left you because you apparently weren't good enough to keep him in love with you. 

His features softened at least momentarily “Can you just trust that I’m doing what I can?” for some reason you believed him. "Yeah even after everything if you say you're doing what you can I still believe you" 

He watched you for a second and you spotted Kenzie heading down the walkway towards his office. You were about to walk out but stopped when he said “Good, now are you done or do you want to yell at me some more? Genuinely, if you want to yell at me please do it. I want you to do what you need to do.” 

You were more confused than you'd been before walking in here. "Do I want to yell more? Yes. Will it do anyone any good? No. so I guess I'll leave with Kenzie. Sorry for storming in here like that" He pushed himself off his desk and your heart clenched with the familiarity of being so close to him. “Like I said, you could burn this place to the ground and I wouldn’t stop you. This place wouldn't have a name without you and I'd deserve it for hurting you"

You opened your mouth to respond but realized you didn't have one so you closed it back. The door to his office opened and Kenzie stood there looking between the two of you. "Alice sent me to be referee because I was closer. Is everything ok?" You turned your back to Billy and said "Yeah I was just apologizing for busting in and about to leave" "Ok want a ride?" She asked so you nodded then looked back at Billy "I was overly emotional this won't happen again"

He gave a sharp nod then watched the two of you walk out. There was so much he wanted to say but knew he couldn't. God he hated seeing you so hurt and not being able to help. He did love Frank like a brother but he had to keep you alive and what he was doing was the only way to do that. He watched you leave and knew then and there he needed to find a few guys he trusted enough to keep an eye on you. There was too much attention on the trial to risk any turning to you. If it cost his life and what was left of his soul he'd make sure you were safe.

\------------------------

That point where you hit rock bottom and aren't sure how you even got there was about the moment you sat down in Kenzie's passenger seat and it registered that you'd walked into your ex boyfriend's company and yelled at him like a mad woman only for him to allow it. Did he still have that much of a presence in your mind that you managed to turn all your anger towards him? 

You managed to stay quiet until she pulled out onto the road then you said quietly "Can we go up to three days a week?" "Yeah sweetie no problem" was her only reply before she reached across to pat your leg "It's a normal human response. For years he was your emotional support. You've got to stop bottling your emotions. If there's things you can't tell me, tell Curtis or Alice or what's her name Karen. Just get it out so this doesn't happen again because later this is going to really fuck with your head with how far you've managed to come as far as he's concerned" 

You nodded keeping your eyes down. Embarrassment was now replacing your anger and you felt tears prickle your eyes "I'm so scared for Frank Kenz" "I know. How about you stay with us just for tonight ok?" You nodded feeling tears slide down your cheeks "I'm sorry for being a fucking headcase" she laughed and said "You're not a headcase Y/N your problem is that you try being too strong"

\-----------------------

Getting the call from Karen that Frank had apparently sabotaged his own chances from his outburst of a testimony while you were walking into your apartment the next morning was kind of par for the course. While you were planning a time to meet her at the bulletin to talk to Mitchell Ellison the editor who she had at least a working relationship with your phone was beeping with another call. She apparently had photographic proof of a body being removed from the massacre and if what she suspected was true it was the same body that had been cremated and handed over to you as "Frank's ashes"

You glanced to see it was Foggy. You let it go to voicemail then finished the call with Karen because that was more important at the moment. You hung up with her then hit his number "Can we talk?" Was the first thing he said. "Like no other ears?" You asked "Yeah" you let out a sigh then said "I'm home. Swing by and we can talk" "Be there in ten"

\--------------------------

Sitting at your table across from Foggy seemed like such a mundane setting despite the conversation being about Frank's disaster of a trial and Matt's vigilante issues. "So he literally said he won't give up red for the firm? And he had his ex girlfriend in his bed when Karen showed up to get his ass to finally show up to court?" You couldn't believe what you were hearing. Hell maybe all the vigilantes and their inner circles needed therapy of some sort.

"Foggy maybe you should move forward? I mean if he can't pull his head out his ass" you were one to be giving advice but he'd asked. "I know but since I started law school it was Nelson and Murdock" "and if it's meant to be it will happen" you replied and at his look you shrugged "Had an early therapy session and I'm now up to three days a week. It helps"

When he started to leave he said "Thanks Y/N I'm glad we all met you" "Same here Foggy" you replied with a smile then watched him leave. You had two hours to meet with Karen and Ellison before you had to get to work. You figured you should just take your med bag with you since she was picking you up so you headed to get dressed in your uniform.

\------------------------

You were waiting on the sidewalk when Karen pulled up. You cut your eyes at her missing passenger side mirror before climbing in "What happened there?" You asked and she smiled "Frank" "Oh" you sat your bag down in your floorboard and buckled up. "Should I say my bad or I'm sorry that he shot your mirror?" You didn't exactly know the etiquette for such. She shook her head "No that mirror is so far from my mind on the list of things I could be upset about"

You let her pull out onto the road before asking about Matt. Her grip on the steering wheel tightened "He's decided he doesn't want me or Foggy in his life. I don't know what exactly is going on with him" your heart ache at the expression on her face. You didn't know if it was the loss of him as a lover or a friend or just believing to not be good enough that was plaguing her the most. "If it makes you feel better I busted into my ex's company and yelled at him like I was the one needing an insanity plea" you offered and saw her crack a small smile "Yeah that does help a little" 

"and I think Matt is just dealing with a lot. Believe me I'm pissed at him too for flaking out during the trial but I don't think he meant to hurt you" she waved her hand as if to clear the air of talk about Matt then placed a large envelope down in your lap "What's this?" "That is the proof of the cover up surrounding the massacre at the carousel. We're taking it to Mitchell Ellison. He's the editor in chief at the bulletin. I met him through a friend named Ben while working the Fisk case and if we have any hope of Frank getting out from under any of this or getting a possible target off your back he can expose it"

You let her words sink in and let out a breath. Maybe there was still a way to help Frank. Maybe you could still expose the truth. "Wait why am I here?" You asked and she half smiled "One I kind of just wanted to see a friendly face for a little while and you made Foggy see Frank differently. I think you can give Ellison some insight too" you checked the time to see you still had over an hour until your shift started "So I'm along as further proof of Frank's humanity basically?" "Pretty much" she admitted with a pensive smile that turned more genuine when you replied "Fine by me. Let's see what we can get done"

\---------------------

"Mitchell Ellison this is Y/N Y/L/N" "Y/N this is Mitchell Ellison" you shook his offered hand once Karen got the introductions out the way. "So you're Karen's inside source on Frank Castle" "Who is going to remain off the record" Karen interrupted. You cracked a smile at her protective tone. You turned your attention to Ellison "That would be"

He showed you and Karen to a storage room that was lined with boxes and boxes of back records. You glanced around at the sheer volume until he said "Ok tell me what you know" you laid out what you knew about Frank as a person and Karen laid out what the two of you had managed to uncover about the cover-up. "So we go talk to Tepper" was his only response and something told you that you'd come to like Ellison. He dove in feet first at just Karen's words. 

You checked your watch "Are you going with Karen? I'm not sending her alone but I'm due at work in like twenty minutes" he watched you for a moment then raised one eyebrow "Oh Ben would've liked you too" Karen had told you some about the man so you took that as a compliment "Thank you now are you going with her?" He nodded so Karen turned to you "Grab your bag out my car and we'll drop you by the station house on the way. I'll come by after your shift to catch you up on anything we may learn"

\----------------------

Alice was standing on the sidewalk when you climbed out of Ellison's car and waved to Karen before they pulled off. 

You walked towards her and she smiled "There's my love! How are you honey?" You thought about it for a moment then answered as truthfully as possible "I got a long way to go but I know I'll get there" an almost proud look flashed through her eyes before she slung her arm around your shoulders "That's my partner I know and love. We may get knocked flat on our asses but we're always gonna get up and let life know she hits like a bitch" 

You laughed as you let her lead you inside "You've always had a way with words Alice"

\-------------------------

A long shift later you'd been forced to change twice because one uniform ended up getting sprayed with blood while the other you didn't even want to discuss.

You were dead on your feet and grateful when Kenzie and Alice offered you a ride home. You waved as they pulled out onto the road then turned to head into your building. The lobby was empty so you continued to the elevator leaning heavily against the wall while the floors ticked by.

When it got to your floor you stepped off but froze when you saw Karen was next to your door. "What happened?" You spoke around the lump already forming in your throat. She shook her head and you could see tears in her eyes "Karen?" You quickly covered the space between the two of you gently touching her arm. "Frank's fine but there's some things I feel like I need to tell you"

You pulled your key out your bag and motioned to the door "Let's get inside then we'll talk"

\--------------------------

You sat across from Karen silent as she told you not only what had happened the day her brother died but about killing Wilson Fisk's right hand man. You didn't want to interrupt her so you listened intently wishing you could do more besides give her hand a comforting squeeze when the tears would start.

Once she was finished she wouldn't meet your eyes "Still want to call me a friend?" A sharp laugh fell from your lips and her blue eyes flew up to meet yours "Karen a man I consider like a big brother is none other than the Punisher himself. I'm not judging you. What happened to Kevin was a horrible accident but it was just that, an accident. Now what happened to Wesley was kill or be killed and completely justified. I know killing someone has to take a toll but you're still alive. Through a weird and twisted fate we met but that seems to be how I've met all the people in my life that I consider my family now. Know you've got a friend here that isn't gonna judge you for damn near anything and if anyway possible I will always have your back"

She pulled you into a hug and you could practically feel the relief flood through her "Thank you Y/N and I promise to do everything I can to help you and Frank"

\----------------------

Karen ended up just crashing in your guest bedroom. It was so late by the time the two of you were through talking you didn't feel comfortable letting her leave so after coffee she headed home and said she'd talk to you later.

The later ended up being sooner than either of you thought considering NYPD was waiting to escort her to the courthouse because unbeknownst to any of you Frank had escaped the prison the night before and no one knew where he was headed or what he had planned next.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	24. Chapter 24

You moved around the kitchen at the station house with the same familiarity you moved around your own. The three rookies had been tasked with making breakfast and you were just trying to get a cup of coffee for yourself and Alice so you could head outside to the bays long enough to catch your breath. 

"Watch it Evans" you muttered when the young brunette almost stepped back on you. He gave a quick apology in return and offered you a smile. You stepped around him and barely squeezed between where Jessie was giving Rogers a hard time about how he was cooking the eggs. "Don't let these fellas go too hard on you boys! I'll be right outside and remember deep down most of the truck fears the medics cause they must sleep around us eventually" you said with a wink when Jessie shook his head.

You pushed open the door leading outside and took in a deep breath. The morning was still cool enough and you felt less strangled not being around a group at the moment. News of Frank's escape had hit but so far no one had asked you anything. You walked over to the rig where Alice was making sure you had everything you'd need for a shift or that had been her excuse anyways. You knew she hated early mornings in the common area almost as much as you did. 

She glanced up when you stopped at the open back doors and held her hand out. You handed her cup over then heard your phone go off with a text. She cut her eyes at you but quickly went back to work. It was from Karen and read "The courthouse is a zoo" "What's going on?" You asked leaning against the ambulance while you waited for a reply "Waiting to get through security. They already took Foggy in and Matt just got here" was her response you grimaced and typed "Yikes. Call me as soon as you find out what's going on?" "Of course" she replied so you slipped your phone into your pocket and turned back to Alice.

"So no news?" She asked without looking up. "None whatsoever. I just wish I had some idea what he was doing" she looked up like she was going to say something but her eyes focused on something behind you "You may be glad you don't know shit" you started to ask why but you turned to see Mahoney talking to Jason and bit back a curse when Jason pointed over to where you were.

"Let's see what he wants" you told Alice with a roll of your eyes then made a point to meet Mahoney half way. "Sergeant Mahoney to what do I owe this pleasure?" You asked with a smile and saw his jaw clench "Y/N cut the shit. We both know why I'm here now has he contacted you?" "Has who?" You asked and could've sworn you heard his jaw pop that time "Castle" "Nope" you let the p make a pop sound at your quick response. 

He rubbed a hand across his eyes "He's dangerous Y/N he's not the same man you knew" you tried and failed to stifle the humorless laugh that escaped your lips "Bullshit. He'd never hurt me and he's never hurt a civilian" "If I find out you know anything you could be charged with harboring a fugitive do you really wanna risk that?" He pushed stepping closer to you. 

Out the corner of your eye you saw Alice climb out the ambulance to watch what was going on and you imagined if you glanced at the window half the people in the common area were looking out. You squared your shoulders and tried to have the most genuine look you could muster "I know that Brett and I honestly don't have any idea where Frank is. The last time I spoke to him was through his lawyers telling me he wasn't going to let me testify. Best I can tell you ask district attorney Reyes what happened the day Frank's family was massacred that may lead you to more answers than I ever could" He nodded and held out his card "It's got my cell on it too. Just if something comes up" "I'll drop a line" you agreed taking the card from his hand. 

You watched him walk out and heard Alice's footsteps right before she put her arm around your shoulders "You can't fix everything" "I know that but that doesn't mean I have to like the fact" you responded then let out a breath "Let's finish up. Rogers and Evans were about through with breakfast and I believe Patrick even made them squeeze fresh orange juice" her eyes brightened up with her laugh "Ooh fresh OJ!"

\-------------------------

You were helping Alice wash the ambulance when the alarm rang out that there had been a shooting at the courthouse. You tossed the rag in your hand to the side along with the bucket of suds. You'd rinse them out later. 

\----------------------

You pulled the ambulance up to the edge of the courthouse steps. It was absolute chaos. People everywhere, clearly a mass panic. Your eyes were scanning the crowd for Karen and Foggy as soon as you'd grabbed your med bag from Alice and was going past the police stationed around. 

"We got one injured over here!" You heard an officer holler and turned to see Karen, Matt and Foggy. Foggy was bleeding from what appeared to be a gunshot to the right shoulder. "We got them" you told the officer so he could start routing the other ambulances around. 

\------------------------

Once you had Foggy strapped down to the gurney you quickly checked him over while Alice bandaged his shoulder to ensure nothing major had been injured. "You're gonna be fine Foggy. You'll have a wing here for a few weeks but it could've been soo much worse" you assured him with a smile then Matt walked over. The moment you laid eyes on him you asked "What the hell happened?" "Frank did" he and Foggy answered in unison. Alice glanced up then said "Y/N I'm gonna see if Karen wants to ride along while you handle this" you watched her walk off then spun around towards Matt "Did anyone see him?" "No but who else could it be?" Foggy interrupted and you stifled a groan "Whoever started the ball rolling. Terrify Reyes she gets in a corner and is willing to admit what she did so they have to frame Frank further"

Matt shook his head "You're not exactly impartial here Y/N" you scoffed "Neither are you. He never killed you did he? Frank wouldn't risk innocent lives. This wasn't him" Matt didn't respond just simply walked off so you threw a few choice words his direction that you knew reached his enhanced ears without you having to yell.

When Alice came back she had Karen and A.D.A. Tower in tow. "He needs to talk to us" Karen told Foggy. When Tower looked from you to Alice Foggy shrugged with his uninjured shoulder "They can hear it" 

\----------------------------

There was slight vindication in hearing from someone higher up that the cover-up was legit. To find out that Reyes had green lit the sting knowing there were civilians in the crosshairs made you wish you could've gotten one good punch in on her god rest the dead and all.

"Frank didn't do this. He's not goddamn sloppy and he doesn't risk lives" you argued but Tower didn't look convinced. "I'm getting out of town" you felt every bit of anger you had at Reyes shift towards him "Good and stay gone. We don't need trash that goes along with cover-ups like this in New York" 

He scampered off and Alice whistled sharply to get your attention "Foggy needs to go to the hospital" you nodded letting your mind go back into work mode "Karen are you coming?" She shook her head then tilted it to the side "Let me help load him" you replied knowing she needed to say something to only your ears. She stepped to the side while you and Alice loaded Foggy.

You stepped over out of Alice, Foggy and any passerbys ear shot. "I'm going to see Ellison, run down some leads" that thought terrified you. You now knew just the tip of the iceberg of how deep this cover-up went. You didn't want to see Karen hurt "Promise me you will not go alone and I will get someone to cover the rest of my shift as soon as I can" she half smiled "I won't be alone I promise"

She started to walk off but you called her name so she stopped and looked back "He didn't do this" she nodded "I hope you're right" you watched her for a second then slapped the side of the ambulance to let Alice know you were rolling out.

\-------------------------

Alice was ok with you getting Brianna who normally was on truck but a trained paramedic as well to finish your shift out. She even backed you up that you were sick so Chief Michelson wouldn't suspect anything. Before you left she did pull you to the side to caution "This is getting deep. Please for the love of god watch your ass. I can't lose you" you hugged her and promised to see her the following day.

You had just left your apartment from changing into different clothes and dropping your med bag off. Your plan had been to go find Curtis but plans changed when you got a call from Karen asking you to come to Mahoney's precinct.

\---------------------

When you walked in the door Mahoney didn't even look surprised. "Is there anyone involved in this case you don't know?" He asked and you shrugged "me and Reyes weren't exactly on each other's Christmas card list" he shook his head then motioned to Karen "Miss Page has accepted police protection. Hell I'd offer it to you but one I know you still think of him as the Castle you knew and let's be honest any amount of time alone with you I'd be a few officers down because they'd quit"

You shot him a smile "Now there's a compliment if I've ever heard one. Can i walk her out along with your officers?" He nodded "Once she climbs in the car you can't see her until this is over" 

You walked next to Karen out the door of the precinct letting your hand dangle next to her coat pocket and when you were sure she was the only one paying attention you dropped the burner phone you'd stopped and bought into it. She cut her eyes at you to let you know she felt it but that was the only interaction.

\---------------------

Once you'd made it to the sidewalk Matt was waiting so you stood back with the officers while him and Karen talked. She turned away from him then nodded to you "Stay safe Y/N" "You too" you replied and watched her climb in the back of the police car before it pulled away.

"Y/N?" You turned and realized Matt had moved to be just a little ways away from you. "What?" You let how tired of everything you were seep into your voice. "He saved her life. He really didn't shoot Reyes did he?" "No shit Murdock. I told you he didn't. What happened to that bar sonar hearing? Aren't you supposed to pick up on lies?" The corner of his mouth ticked up slightly then he said "I'm gonna try to find him" "Don't get caught in the blacksmith's crosshairs is all I ask" you replied and saw the barest hint of a smile before his face sobered "Do you have somewhere safe?" 

You checked the time "Meeting full of combat vets who'll be appreciative for donuts and coffee work?" He nodded "That'll work. I'll see you around Y/N" "Yeah. See you around Matt"

\------------------------

The next time your phone rang it was from the burner you'd given Karen. When you answered you weren't sure she'd meant to call until she finally spoke. She said the name of a diner followed by "Please get here before the cops"

You had to pay a taxi driver triple but he dropped you off in front of the diner mere minutes later. Karen met you at the door and flung her arms around you "Frank drew two of the blacksmith's men out. I know where he's headed. If Mahoney asks all you knew was that you were meeting me here ok?" You nodded then turned to face the approaching sirens with her.

\----------------------

You sat in the backseat of Mahoney's car while Karen sat in the front. A half dozen squads were following you to the forty first street pier.

You felt like you'd been dipped in ice water when you saw the boat in flames. You and Karen alike stumbled to get out the car Brett warning both of you to be careful when another spark of flames set up from the boat.

Brett and the other cops were worried about the drugs and bodies. You on the other hand felt like your world was shifting yet again. Karen's hand in yours was the only anchor. After everything, after losing Maria and the kids and thinking you lost him. Hell after getting him back and getting so close to answers it seemed very likely that you'd really lost him this time.

"Frank" his name fell from both of your lips in a whisper. It sounded just as broken from Karen as it did from you. What the hell were either of you supposed to do now? You reached out with a shaky hand to grab hers. She squeezed your hand tightly as the two of you huddled together amongst the chaos of the scene.


	25. Chapter 25

You watched the sun slowly creep over the city while divers still worked to haul body after body out the water. You'd offered to help but Mahoney had not so subtly reminded you that you weren't on the clock and that you and Karen were present as witnesses nothing more. 

You and Karen stood side by side. She was wrapped in a blanket one of the officers had given her and had draped another blanket over your shoulders. You'd taken it although you were still to numb for the cold to bother you. You stared at every body that was burnt trying to gauge the height and built as to if it was possible that Frank was truly dead. You'd given up on him once, you weren't doing it again without seeing his body with your own eyes.

"Karen, Y/N you two can go home" Brett walked over to where you two stood. You knew the story was that Frank had followed Karen and the officers and kidnapped her. That was what Karen had told and you'd backed it up. It felt like a cold dagger sliding through your chest when Mahoney said "Castle didn't survive. He's a dead man" he was trying to be reassuring because Karen was portraying to be fearful of Frank but you saw her shoulders tense at his words just the way your own had.

He looked between the two of you then waved another officer over "Thompson! Take these two wherever they need to go" you followed her to the car and climbed in the backseat. You didn't even register him asking where you wanted to be taken until Karen spoke up and said "She's going with me" 

\---------------------

You laid your head over on the window and allowed yourself a moment to breath. You realized with a start that you hadn't so much as glanced at your phone since Karen had called you from the diner. You pulled it out and saw a dozen missed calls from Kenzie, Alice and Curtis.

Before you had time to pick who to call back first Thompson was pulling over in front of the bulletin. You didn't question it and simply stepped out with Karen. You followed her up the sidewalk but stopped just outside the door "Aren't you coming in?" She asked so you held up your phone "I've got a lot of people worried. I need to check in then I'll come in" she gave you a small nod then glanced around and stepped closer "Just keep an eye out please?" "Always" you assured her then watched her walk inside before choosing to call Curtis back first.

\---------------------

After agreeing to meet up with Curtis as soon as he got off work and assuring Alice and Kenzie both that you were ok and would not be missing Christmas with them, you headed inside.

You walked into Karen's office in enough time to hear her say "FRANK CASTLE IS NOT A PSYCHO MURDERER.." Then her face fell as she met your eyes and added "or wasn't"

Ellison cut his eyes at you before saying "He did kill thirty something people" "and although he shouldn't have" you began and Karen finished by saying "he had his reasons" Ellison stared at you for a second then turned his attention to Karen "Then the story isn't over. Make it a profile instead of an expose"

Karen looked at you and you knew it was a silent way of asking if you were ok with that. You nodded slightly so she agreed. Ellison let out a breath then said "Good get to work and Y/N do we need to get you a press pass too?" You knew it was because you were always with Karen so you snaked your paramedic id out "This gets me into most crime scenes" 

He nodded approvingly "I can see why Castle liked the two of you" then walked out.

Once he was out of sight you looked back at Karen and saw wheels were already turning in her head. "I can see you're thinking of chasing some lead. I am one hundred percent in but I've got to go see Curt so just cool your heels and call me so you can come pick me up ok?" She nodded then came around the desk to pull you into a hug "We'll figure this out. I'm honestly just glad we met Y/N no matter the circumstance" "Me too Karen" you replied with a smile.

The two of you made plans to meet later so you headed to swing by Kenzie's office then you could grab a hot shower and maybe either some sleep or something caffeinated before you met up with Curtis.

\----------------------

You'd just left Curtis when your phone went off with a text from Karen that read "I'm going to talk to Schoonover. I'll call as soon as I leave his place" you cursed under your breath. She'd promised to not go anywhere alone. You texted back "CALL ME ASAP" but before you could get a reply a set of hands grabbed you from behind and drug you into the alley you'd just walked past. 

You threw your head back hearing a satisfying grunt when it connected with your attackers face. The grip on your arms loosened so you spun around then gasped when you saw Frank standing there rubbing his jaw. 

"You're alive?!?!" You whispered in shock. "Yeah kid. Should've known you wouldn't get rid of me that easily. Where's Karen? Figured you two would be together" "She went to see Schoonover Frank. She's still trying to clear you of the psycho murderer label" the moment the words left your mouth he started cussing "Frank what is it?" You asked and when his eyes met yours you felt a small chill at the anger in them. "He's involved"

\-----------------------

Frank ran down everything he'd learned as he lead you behind him to a truck parked on the street. You didn't know what he planned to do until he popped the door open. "I'm going to get her and kill that son of a bitch. Get a car then head the direction I told you. I can't take you with me Y/N so don't even ask"

You watched him pull away in the stolen truck and had never felt more helpless in your life.

\---------------------------

You hailed a cab to take you back to Curtis' place so you didn't have to waste time walking. When you knocked on the door he answered but looked a little confused "Y/N? What's going on?" "Curt I need to borrow your car" he was holding out the keys before he asked "Is everything ok? Do you need me to come with you?" You shook your head "I think I can handle it. Thanks Curt"

You practically ran back down to the street and hopped into his car. You only hoped that you'd find both Frank and Karen alive. Schoonover was dirty, involved in drug smuggling and murder. If Frank got there in enough time Karen was fine but god what if he hadn't?

\----------------------

You were trying to keep an eye out as you drove but the moment your headlights landed on a wreck you realized the car involved was Karen's and the truck was the one Frank had stolen.

You threw the car into park and jumped out. You didn't want to yell so you walked slowly towards the car and heard a faint crying. You found Karen on her knees next to the wreckage. You knelt down next to her and gently touched her back. She jumped defensively at first but the moment she saw it was you she crumbled "Frank's alive and Schoonover is dead"

You stayed that way for the longest letting her cry on your shoulder. The last few weeks had been hell not to mention staring at the wreckage of her car reminded you of the photos she'd shown you of when her brother was killed. All the trauma had finally hit her at once. Once the sky started to lighten you slowly talked her into Curtis' car. Frank could take care of himself for the most part you needed to check Karen over for injuries and make sure she didn't succumb to shock either 

\---------------------------

Luckily Karen simply needed some butterfly stitches on her head and her arm was just bruised. Over the course of the next few days the two of you didn't leave each other far except when you were working. You both needed the comfort from each other's presence. You couldn't pass a newsstand without seeing Frank's photograph or the x-ray of him being shot plastered across some magazine or paper with the headline of the punisher being dead. The city was part relieved and part in mourning. 

You hated lying to Alice and Kenzie but everyone was safer with the official story being that Frank was dead. You knew he'd contact you, Curt and Karen when the time was right. Until then you simply said a silent prayer to whoever may be out there listening to keep him safe.

Billy had called Curtis when news came down of Frank truly being "dead". He'd asked how you were so Curt simply said you were holding together. You and him had a headstone ordered to place with the kids and Maria's. Better to sell the story and besides a big part of Frank did die that day and that was a loss to mourn as well as what all of your lives would've been had whatever happened in Kandahar (that you still weren't sure of) hadn't. You knew like everything Frank would eventually tell you, you just wished for once he'd pick sooner rather than later.

\-------------------------

You had just gotten home from your shift when your phone started ringing. You glanced down to see it was Karen so you answered as you were putting your med bag into the hall closet "Hello Miss Page. How are you dear?" You could hear in her voice that she was as tired as you felt "I'm actually headed home. I've been trying to write this article but I feel like I'm banging my head against a brick wall. I know you just got off but do you want to meet at the diner?" 

You glanced at the time then said "Sure. Why not? Meet you in twenty?" You heard a scuffle in the background followed by Karen screaming "LET ME GO ASSHOLE" "KAREN?" You screamed into the phone trying to get her to respond but after a moment a different voice came on the line "She's unavailable" you could feel your blood boil at the idea of losing anyone else. You couldn't do it. "You son of a bitch. Let her go" the line went dead right after.

You took a deep breath trying to think of what to do. The voice didn't sound like they were from New York or anywhere in the states for that matter so chances were it wasn't any remaining people from the cover-up. You scrolled through your contacts then clicked on Mahoneys cell number. Once you reported her abducted you could try to get Matt or Frank on the line.

\-----------------------

You had grabbed your purse and scanner before leaving your place. Your only hope was the police finding her. Mahoney had actually been honest with you. Some people had attacked him and they had wanted the names of the people daredevil had helped plus the names of who he'd put away. So this attack on Karen was a lure. Whoever they were only wanted Matt.

You were about to walk into his building at the off chance he was home when it came across the scanner reports of an officer down at thirty sixth and seventh. Normally you wouldn't pay much attention but when the officer added "They shot em with god damn arrows!" You figured that was the safest bet.

\-----------------------

The taxi you'd hailed dropped you off a little ways from the scene. Cop cars were already everywhere so you clipped your i.d. to your jacket and ran to the front of the crowd "Y/N?" You turned to see Karen running towards you and released a breath you hadn't realized you were holding "Thank god Karen are you ok?" You asked scanning your eyes over her to see if there was any visible injuries. She nodded "I'm fine. They didn't even care about us. They just wanted to lure daredevil out"

Time she said those words you heard Mahoney barking out orders to light up the rooftop. "Anything goes down I want to see!" You heard someone call out yours and Karen's names and looked up to see Foggy working his way through the crowd. You actually made it to his side before Karen "Daredevil is in there" you knew better than to drop Matt's name but poor Foggy looked like he may puke when you said that.

\---------------------------

You stood between Karen and Foggy trying to see what was going on so many stories up. The mass amount of bodies moving around on the roof was disheartening. Matt only had his ex girlfriend Elektra up there as backup. They were severely outnumbered.

You were holding your breath and your hand had once again found Karen's. Both of you begging to anyone that things would turn out alright. As if an answer to that prayer gunfire rang out. Everyone started ducking or looking for cover except for you and Karen.

She pulled you a few feet from everyone and pointed up. You followed her line of sight and smiled when you realized Frank had come to back Matt up. "Thank god"

\---------------------

When the building was secured Daredevil was nowhere to be found. You heard from Mahoney a body of a woman had been found on the rooftop wearing clothes very similar to daredevil's suit. Your heart dropped for Matt. That had to be Elektra.

You, Karen and Foggy ended up watching the sun come up while you all drank coffee at the diner.

\---------------------

Later that day you got a phone call from Curtis. You didn't have to work until the following evening so it was normal for him to want to catch lunch or something when he knew you had the day off but when you answered he simply said "You and Karen come by where I usually have the meetings around seven" he hung up and you stared at the phone for a moment before calling Karen to make sure she wasn't busy.

\---------------------

"So what's this about?" Karen asked as you lead her into the building. "I don't know. Normally Curt isn't the cryptic type" "This one time I had to be" he said from the doorway up ahead and you smiled before pulling him down into a hug "any why is that?"

Frank stepped out from behind him at your question "because I asked him to be"

Curtis had arranged for Frank a new I.D. and the whole nine yards complete with a one room apartment across the city. Frank needed some time after everything, you knew that but you hated the goodbye. He waved the small flip phone in his hand "I'm not leaving for good sweetheart. If you ever need me I'm a phone call away"

After you and him shared a few words he glanced at Karen "Can I talk to you for a second?" You grabbed Curtis' arm and said "C'mon Curt I need to talk to you about that thing"

The two of you waited in the hall for several minutes before Karen and Frank walked out. He shared a look with her then nodded at you and Curtis before heading for the back door of the building. "Think he's gonna be ok?" Curtis asked of no one in particular but you still answered "I think he'll make it through as long as we don't let him sink down in that hole alone"

\--------------------

On Christmas eve you woke up earlier than you normally did. You and Alice had managed to pull the lucky straws to have two days off. Of course that meant working New Years but that was still a few days away.

You had managed to track down where Elektra was being buried and had called Father Lanthom who as it turned out was Matt's priest to find out when. When you told him point blank Matt didn't want anyone there but you didn't want to see him face the loss alone he'd happily told you.

You didn't know Elektra so you grabbed a simple lilly arrangement. You walked through the headstones and spotted Matt standing next to an older man. They were talking so you didn't want to interrupt. 

After a few minutes the older man walked away and Matt raised his voice enough to say "Y/N I heard you when you walked up." He hadn't even turned towards you so you simply walked up to stand next to him "Not gonna lie that's still a little weird Murdock" you managed to bring a small smile to his face at that. 

You reached for his hand and passed the flowers over "They're lilies. I felt strange not bringing flowers. I didn't know her Matt but I know you. If you decide you need someone to talk to or need someone to patch you up. I'm around" he nodded and took a ragged breath. You knew what someone fighting back tears looked like, you'd seen it and done it enough. Without thinking you pulled him into a hug. He rested his head against your shoulder "I need to tell Karen the truth and I need to fix things with Foggy. I don't want to lose anyone else"

It hurt you seeing him like this. You considered him a friend so you offered "I can help you tell Karen if you want and maybe start to mend things with Foggy as well" "Thank you Y/N" "You're welcome Matt"

\-----------------------

You headed to the bulletin later that day to meet Karen. She was joining you at Alice and Kenzies Christmas eve dinner. Christmas day you'd be helping Curtis at the soup kitchen.

When you walked in Ellison passed you with a smile. "She's in her office. Feel free to drag her out" you laughed and said "That's exactly what I'm here for"

When you got to the door of her office she was smiling at her screen "Good news?" You spoke and saw her jump slightly before she realized it was you "I finally got that article written. Come read it" she motioned for you to take her chair so you did and started to read what was on the screen:

_What is it, to be a hero? Look in the mirror and you’ll know. Look into your own eyes and tell me you are not heroic, that you have not endured, or suffered, or lost the things you care about most. And yet, here you are, a survivor of Hell’s Kitchen, the hottest place anyone’s ever known. A place where cowards don’t last long, so you must be a hero. We all are. Some more than others, but none of us alone. Some bloody their fists trying to keep the Kitchen safe. Others bloody the streets in the hope they can stop the tide, the crime, the cruelty, the disregard for human life all around them. But this is Hell’s Kitchen. Angel or devil, rich or poor, young or old, you live here. You didn’t choose this town, it chose you. Because a hero isn’t someone who lives above us, keeping us safe. A hero’s not a God, or an idea. A hero lives here, on the street, among us, with us. Always here but rarely recognized. Look in the mirror and see yourself for what you truly are. You’re a New Yorker. You’re a hero. This is your Hell’s Kitchen. Welcome home._

"What do you think?" She asked and you smiled up at her "It's perfect"

\-------------------------

The day after Christmas Karen called you to say Matt had asked her to meet him at Nelson & Murdock and to bring you along. You knew what that meant but acted as if you were surprised.

You sat back on top of Matt's desk while he told Karen. Her eyes were wide when she looked towards you "Did you know?" "Only cause Frank shot him, sort of" you confessed and she nodded. 

"Are you mad?" You questioned and was relieved when she shook her head "No it answers a lot of questions" you knew she had to feel betrayed since you had kept Matt's secret but it seemed as if she was going to get past that. After she hugged Matt she simply asked if Foggy knew. When the answer was yes she looked at you with a clearly tense smile "Wanna grab dinner?" "Sure" you replied with a nod, hopping off the desk. 

When you walked past Matt he grabbed your arm gently "Call me later please and tell me just how pissed she is?" "Yeah as long as you promise to call Foggy" you replied then hurried to catch up to Karen before she could make it outside.

  
  
  
  



	26. Chapter 26

Weeks passed and whether you liked it or not time marched forward. You had to once again pick up the pieces and reform your version of normal.

Frank was living across the city and now going by the name Pete. You managed to see him face to face a couple times a month and most of those times was when he showed up after one of Curtis' meetings. You weren't ignorant to the fact of why Curtis always knew when Frank would be showing up. He always avoided around the first of the month and last of the month which was when Billy would drop off a check to Curtis to help with rental of the building and other expenses that came along with the programs that were offered to the vets. You made sure to stay away those times as well. You missed seeing some of the familiar faces you'd come to know but you were glad that despite everything else Billy had at least chosen to not turn his back on Curt.

You hated seeing Frank so infrequently but he kept in contact with you as much as he could. You knew the way his head worked good enough to know that whatever happened in Kandahar was still haunting him especially after Schoonover all but confirming that the massacre at the carousel was connected. You also knew that he would come to you with it in time. He had to make that step, you couldn't force him.

You and Karen had grown closer than you already were. She reminded you of Maria in a lot of ways, not that anyone would ever replace her. Karen was her own woman as well. She was smart, opinionated, proven time and again to be brave and unwilling to back down when it came to doing what was right or uncovering a truth. You wouldn't hesitate to call her one of your best friends and she fit right in with Curtis, Alice and Kenzie seamlessly. 

Foggy was now working at the same law firm as his off again/ on again girlfriend Marci and Matt had went into working solo. They were talking more often and you had hope that New York had not seen the last of Nelson & Murdock. Trust once broken needed time to heal but they'd been friends too long and cared about each other too much to simply walk away.

A part of you simply hoped that everyone could just find peace. Something you all so desperately needed.

\----------------------

You were coming off a twenty four hour shift and wanted nothing more than to go home, shower and sleep until time to go back in. The calls had been back and back and while some of them were nonsense like the man that was constipated or comical like the frat boy who managed to get his head stuck between the railings of the stairs, most of them had been actual emergencies.

You trudged into the door of your apartment and dropped your bag on the floor. You bent to take your boots off and your phone started ringing. You stared at it for a few moments before finally deciding to answer. You smiled when you realized it was Karen "Hey Kare. What's up?" You could practically see the nervous smile playing across her face from her tone of voice "Well um can I come by? I know you just got off but I've got coffee and blueberry muffins!" "Uh oh" you laughed and when she made a confused sound you clarified "Last time you bribed me you needed me to get you out of dinner with Ellison and his wife so what's going on?"

She chuckled nervously "you know what? I'm getting out the cab downstairs so we can talk in five minutes. Bye!" Before you could say goodbye she hung up so you reached back to unlatch your door before continuing to remove your boots.

\-----------------------

You were sitting at your kitchen table with your head leaned over on your arms by the time Karen's blonde hair peeked around the corner. "Hey sweetie!" She greeted holding a coffee out. You sat up and took it cautiously "So we diving in head first or wading in the shallow end?" You asked once she was sitting across from you and offering a muffin out.

She nodded then smiled "I've got assigned a big article" "Awesome. I'm proud of you. What's that got to do with the weirdness?" "It's interviewing the CEO of the most successful up and coming private security business on the east coast" she explained. You slowly sat the muffin back down on the table "Oh" "Yeah oh. Look I'll tell Ellison to find someone else if you don't want me to" just the fact that she'd offer to refuse made you smile but your hangups shouldn't affect her job. "No, I don't want you to do that. I mean he is going good with Anvil and it's offered a lot of vets a second chance. It's not bad to put a spotlight on that and I'm sure he enjoys basking in it as well. It's apparently what he's always wanted" 

She studied you for a moment, no doubt searching for any uncertainty on your face so you tried to keep it as neutral as possible. "Ok. I'll tell Ellison I'll do it" you nodded then took another sip of your coffee "Are you still up for movie night with me and Alice this weekend? Kenz is going out of town to a conference so it'll just be us till she gets back" "Of course" she replied with a grin before going into her usual line of questions as to how your shift had been.

\--------------------------

The rest of the week went by in pretty much a blur. Between back to back shifts, helping Curtis with the soup kitchen on Wednesday and your Thursday meeting with Kenzie it was the weekend before you realized it which also meant two glorious days off for you and Alice.

Friday morning Karen texted you around nine thirty to let you know she was dropping by Anvil for the interview and wondering if you wanted to meet for a late lunch. You texted back a confirmation on a late lunch then rolled back over willing yourself to catch a little more sleep.

* * *

The line of interview requests was getting annoying at this point. There was only so many times Billy could sit in front of a reporter, slap on a fake smile and answer the same exact questions he already had a dozen times. The most recent request came from The Bulletin and if he was being honest the only reason he had accepted was because it was the only paper in New York that had even attempted to paint Frank as anything short of a monster.

The appointment was scheduled for ten and at nine fifty eight on the dot there was a knock at his office door. He stood and straightened his tie as he walked across the floor. He was expecting the same run of the mill middle aged, balding man to be on the other side but instead there was a blonde woman that was around your age with a hesitant smile. She held out her hand before he could even ask "Mr Russo? I'm Karen Page with the bulletin" the way she held herself seemed almost familiar to the point it took Billy a split second to respond "Nice to meet you and please just call me Billy"

\--------------------

The questions Karen asked were different from the other papers. She stayed poised with her pen over her notepad and every time he gave an answer that would've had any other reporter beaming she instead would come back with an even more in depth question. There was an edge to the way she asked that almost had him questioning the possibility of her having been a former conquest from his not so savory dating days.

The reasoning behind her hostility was answered towards the end of the interview "The name Anvil. I've read a lot of your other interviews to prep for this one, didn't want to repeat questions and I've never seen it asked. Where did the name come from?"

He felt a smile pull at the corner of his lips as the memory of you laying across his chest as you proposed the name flashed through his mind "Honestly Miss Page I wouldn't be here today without the person who chose the name Anvil for this company" her jaw visibly tensed while she wrote down what he'd said and for a second he thought that would be the end of the questions but when she glanced back up there was a small flicker of annoyance that passed over her blue eyes. "That person must have been very important to you. Are they still in your life?" 

Any trace of a smile left his face when he thought back to the last time he'd held you in his arms, the night he truly lost any chance of a future with you. "Sadly no. She and I separated a while back" Karen scoffed loudly which caused him to raise an eyebrow "Is something wrong Miss Page?" She shook her head and started to gather her things "Not at all Mr Russo"

She walked halfway across his office then stopped and turned around "You know I was going to keep my mouth shut but I've never been really good at that. So if you cared about her so much and speak of her in terms like sadly no we separated why did you ever break her heart not once but twice?" Before he could respond she said "You know what? Nevermind. My editor will email you a copy of my article before it's printed. Have a good day"

He stared at the open door for only god knows how long. Every memory of you flooded through his head. How the hell did you know one of The Bulletin's top reporters? Her question of "why did you ever break her heart not once but twice?" Was still ringing through his mind when his phone ringing drew him out his own thoughts. He made a mental note to ask Curtis later that night about Karen Page then turned his attention back to business.

* * *

When you walked into the restaurant Karen had told you to meet her at around two you spotted her sitting at a table in the back. She smiled when she glanced up and spotted you so you worked your way over.

"Hey Karen" you greeted with a smile as you sat down across from her and asked the waitress for a lemonade before she handed you a menu and disappeared. 

Karen you noticed was being uncharacteristically quiet so you bumped her foot with your own under the table. "Miss Page do you want to share with the class?" She finally met your eyes and it was like the dam she'd been holding back decided to burst all at once "The interview went fine but I could not sit there and listen to his bullshit a moment longer! I asked him about the name Anvil because while I'm a professional and while I know we didn't even know each other then I know he messed with your head pretty bad so I was just curious as to what he'd say" 

You could feel how big your eyes had gotten during her rant so you simply asked "Well what did he say?" "That he wouldn't be where he was without the person who named Anvil and he acted like he was upset that the two of you had ended although he's the one who broke your heart twice so I kind of snapped at him...please don't be mad" whether it was the fact that Karen closer resembled a puppy that had been scolded at the moment or how funny you found the mental image of Billy just sitting there a bit confused while this woman he'd never met went off on him you hadn't even thought to be mad at Karen. 

"Of course I'm not mad at you. I just hope he didn't say anything to Ellison" you replied and she shook her head "No actually he thanked Ellison for the interview and said it went smoothly" you bit out a laugh "Must have been too embarrassed to say anything" she shrugged shyly before a smile slipped onto her face and pretty soon both of you were laughing.

\-------------------

When the article about Billy and Anvil came out the following monday you couldn't help yourself so you bought an issue of The Bulletin on your way to work. Karen and Alice had both ended up staying at your place from friday night all the way to sunday afternoon. Teenager you would've been in heaven from the adult version of a two day long slumber party but it was actually cleansing. You felt better than you had in a long time.

You walked into the bays at the station house and greeted Evans and Rogers who were washing the trucks. "Feel free to hit my rig up next" you teased with a smile. Alice was standing at the counter pouring herself a glass of orange juice when you walked through the common area and held a second glass out to you. "Good morning partner" "Morning dear" you greeted as the two of you wandered into the locker room area so you could store your stuff.

You sat on the bench in front of your locker and let your eyes skim the article. It was like all of Karen's pieces, well written and informative but not boring to read. She ended it by saying "Whoever gave Mr Russo the name Anvil and the drive to open this company deserves a pat on the back as well" Alice was leaned across your shoulder reading along and giggled at the end "I think Karen would've called him an asshole in the article if she could've"

You cut your eyes back at her and she held up her hands defensively "I know, I know. We can't hate him just because he didn't want you but he could've given you a valid reason either time or you know what? He could've stayed away from you after the funeral but he didn't" you shook your head but a smile had worked it's way onto your face "You'd take my side against Chief Alice so it's not saying a lot you still wanting to slap him" 

She shrugged and sat down next to you "Or we could get you back into the dating world like Karen not so subtly suggested. I mean babe it's been plenty long enough. You need to get back out in the world. You don't have to fall in love but you could have a little fun! You're still young and you're fucking gorgeous" you rolled your eyes and was about to remind her just how long it'd been since she had to deal with the dating world but an alarm went out for a structure fire that needed ambulance as well so the entire station house went into action.

\--------------------

As you were pulling out onto the road she winked at you and said "Saved by the bell from discussions of your lack of a dating life" 

You loved Alice but you just weren't really interested in dating. Hell you hadn't been with anyone but Billy in years. Not to mention finding someone who understood not only your personality, job, the fact that your friends who were your only family came before anyone else and your own personal baggage of trauma wouldn't exactly be easy to find. There was also the matter that you couldn't see your heart ever getting over Billy.

  
  



	27. Chapter 27

"Shit shit shit" you hadn't realized you were running late until you walked out the bakery with an armload of donuts and Curtis called to ask if you were on your way. "Yeah Curt I'm about a block away" you groaned dodging around a couple that was walking way too slow and insisting on holding hands despite the busy street around them. "Well if the meeting is already going feel free to slip in. Pretty much all the regulars know you" you hung up after he said goodbye and hurried the final way to the building that he rented for the purpose of not only having meetings but for the soup kitchen and in a pinch during winter as a temp shelter for vets to come warm up when a polar vortex had came through.

When you stepped into the hall you heard voices drift down to you and recognized more than a few. You stepped softly into the open door and saw a few eyes turn in your direction before Curtis smiled at you and made the introduction for any new faces "Everyone this is a friend of mine, Y/N. She helps out around here as she can. She's been entangled in the service since I met her. She's more like a sister and there's a chance you've ran across her at work she's a paramedic with the FDNY" you waved as best you could still juggling the boxes "And I bring donuts and given a few minutes will have some coffee brewing that tastes better than that stuff Curt calls coffee"

You saw a few smiles and even heard a chuckle or two. Since there were new faces you busied yourself in the corner sitting up the donuts and starting the coffee. You nodded to Curtis then stepped out into the hall to give anyone who didn't know you and therefore had no reason to be comfortable around you some privacy. 

You sat down on the bench and leaned your head back against the wall then closed your eyes for a moment. Frank was supposed to be swinging by for his monthly "I'm still alive but I know you only trust visual confirmation" check in. You wished he would let you in more, there was still so much going on inside his head he'd yet to allow the light of day. It was a small consolation that you did at least know he was alive out there and you knew deep down one day he'd let you in on whatever had happened in Kandahar that Curtis wouldn't even tell you about.

The meeting was drawing to an end when you felt someone kick your foot lightly. Your eyes flew open ready to ask whoever why the hell they'd done that but the sight before you was Frank in a hoodie and ballcap. A thick beard was starting on his face and you'd never seen his hair that long. He motioned to the bench next to you "Can I join ya Y/N or did I just interrupt a nap?" You rolled your eyes playfully then patted the bench "You know you're always welcome..Pete" it was still strange calling him that but if it helped to keep him safe you'd manage to remember to call him Britney.

He sat in silence for a few moments then pulled you into his side "It's good to see you sweetheart" you felt tears threaten to form in your eyes but swallowed them down. Later you could cry your eyes out but in front of Frank you always tried to hold it together. "It's good to see you too" the two of you sat like that with your head leaned over on his shoulder until the meeting was over. Curtis stepped out in the hall and cleared his throat "You two wanna step in here or you gonna sleep out here tonight?"

You followed Frank back into the room where meetings were held. He'd asked Curtis to get his hands on a laptop recently so that's what he was coming to pick up. You didn't know why he needed it and didn't bother asking. Frank had never volunteered a lot of information. You had to pull it out of him piece by piece. 

Drinking a cup of coffee and talking about everyone's lives in the last month felt strange. You knew Frank didn't want to withdraw completely from you and Curtis but the man was still living in hell every day. He'd lost his wife and kids in a few seconds time, then to find out it was all a cover up stimming from something in his own past. Your heart ached for him in a way you had never felt before. If you could do anything to take away just a fraction of his pain you would. 

There were still days you didn't want to drag yourself out of bed. You wanted to lie there and cry until nothing was left inside to let out. Those were the days you always ended up at the cemetery, talking to Maria. You were thankful to have Alice and Karen around. Whereas Frank would hide himself away because he didn't want to let anyone help him yet those two never gave you a choice. They were gonna have your back if you liked it or not.

When the little time you got to spend with Frank would draw to a close you always felt so empty. You wanted to do more for him but like Curtis had told you more than once all you could was remind him that whenever he wanted help getting out of that hole that you were ready and waiting to drop the rope down. 

"I'm a phone call away" you reminded when he leaned down to pull you into a hug. "I know and if you need me you know how to find me" you watched him and Curtis hug then he pulled his hat back on and walked out with a glance over his shoulder and a small nod.

You didn't realize you'd been staring at the door until Curtis touched your back lightly "You good Y/N?" You offered a small smile "Of course Curt" you knew he didn't believe you but he nodded back towards the coffee table "Wanna help me clean up?" "I always do, don't I?" You replied with a more genuine smile.

\------------------------

Once the meeting hall was cleaned and chairs put away you and Curtis walked out into the cool evening air. You pulled your jacket up a little closer to you and glanced up at the sky where the sun setting was casting shades of purple and orange over the city. "Any plans for tonight?" You shook your head after a moment "Not really I mean I'm meeting Karen for dinner apparently she wants to showcase the fact that she can cook. Want to join us?" He smiled at the offer but shook his head "Actually I have a date tonight"

You felt a grin pulling at the corner of your lips "My goodness and this is the first I'm hearing? I need to know her name,occupation, if she's cute and sweet, is she normal or insane like the rest of us?" He laughed then said "Her name is Brianne. She works at the insurance agency with me. Yes she's cute and very sweet, as for insanity level too soon to tell" "My little Curtis all grown up" you teased pinching his cheek playfully. He rolled his eyes and swatted your hand away lightly. "Want a ride to Karen's? It's on the way" 

You nodded and followed him to his car. Yeah you could've walked but he offered so may as well take him up on it. 

Most of the ride was simply filled by the music coming out the radio but about a block from Karen's he finally broke the silence "I'm glad you're getting out more Y/N. I know Frank's still dealing with a lot but there for a while I was just as worried about you and honestly? I think it helps him in a way knowing you're still alive and healthy. Wouldn't kill you to get back in the dating world one day either"

You laid your head back on the seat and let out the most dramatic sigh you could muster "I know this Curt. I just it's hard" he nodded and pulled to a stop in front of Karen's building "I didn't mean to over step Y/N and I know you're still hurting from Maria and the kids, not to mention the shit Billy pulled. I just want you happy" "I'm as happy as I can be at the moment Curt. I promise I am listening to you and Kenzie and I will continue to"

You leaned across and hugged him then before you shut the door you leaned your head back in long enough to say "She better have you home by midnight young man" he was still shaking his head as he pulled away from the sidewalk.

\----------------------

"It was really good Karen" you had managed to talk her into letting you clean up since she cooked so she was in the process of pouring you each some wine and choosing a movie to watch.

"Thank you! I don't really cook a lot for anyone besides myself these days" you glanced over your shoulder to see a sad smile on her face so you quickly dried the final dishes and put them away before turning the light over the sink out and walking into the living room. You curled up on one end of the couch and took the offered glass of wine.

"Did Frank see you today?" You asked taking a tentative sip as the movie started. She nodded "Yeah it's always a shock when he pops up out of nowhere. He's there then gone. At times if you and Curtis didn't see him too I'd swear that he had actually died in that explosion at the docks and I was just hallucinating" you understood that reasoning. You'd felt that way a few times. 

"He seemed as well as he can be" you added and she almost smiled "Yeah. I just wish we could do more to help him" you reached out and patted her leg reassuringly "When he's ready he'll let us Karen. We just can't give up on him" "Oh I'm not going to" she all but whispered. The emotion in her voice made a smile slip onto your face. She really did care about Frank.

You managed to make it halfway through the movie before you realized Karen had looked at you more than the screen in the last few minutes. You grabbed the remote and paused it then turned pulling your legs up under you so that you could face her on the couch. "Something wrong?" She shook her head then acted like she was about to say something then shook her head again. You wanted to laugh at the look on her face but you were worried it may be something serious. "C'mon Page, spill it. There's no secrets between us"

She sat her glass down on the coffee table then turned mimicking your posture before a broad smile worked it's way onto her face "So I know you haven't really dated since Billy but would you be willing to date someone who say you're already friends with?" Without missing a beat you replied "Karen I'm flattered but I think Frank may be upset with me if I start dating you" you didn't miss the way she blushed before she said "No, not me Y/N! Just someone out our friend group"

You felt your eyebrows scrunch together while you thought about it "Curt is like a brother to me, you and Frank are a no, Kenzie and Alice are taken, Foggy is with Marci.." Your eyes widened when you landed on the last possibility "Matt?!?"

She shrugged and you started shaking your head "He's your ex!" "We ended on a good note and we're still really good friends besides I just I" you stopped her rambling and nodded "I know what you're trying to say but like first of all he's shown no interest in that way and that wouldn't be weird? I mean yeah I see him regularly enough and have seen him stripped down to boxers to patch him up before but wait why are you asking?"

"He may have asked if I would be ok with him asking you out. You've helped him a lot Y/N not only with me and Foggy but you have a habit of telling people to fuck off when they want to be alone in their pit of despair and jumping in to sit down next to them. You're an amazing woman all around and he knows this. I just wanted to test the waters to see if you'd be open to the idea?" 

You were honestly speechless. Matt was a good looking guy and for whatever reason he'd never even attempted to lie to you, probably because of your connection to Frank but still. You enjoyed spending time with him as a friend, maybe it'd be a step in the right direction. Not like the two of you had to get married or anything and Karen was the proof he's the type of man who can remain genuinely friends with someone post breakup. "I'd be open to the idea" you admitted after a moment and she grinned "Good I'll drop the hint you'd be open to it then ball's in his court"

\----------------------

After that night at Karen's Matt having any interest in you was honestly the furthest thing from your mind. You had back to back shifts meaning in three days time you saw the inside of the station house more than your apartment. Thursday was the day you always helped Curtis with whatever his organization had going on for the vets that particular week. By the time friday rolled around and Foggy called to see if you and Karen wanted to meet him at Josie's for drinks, you needed a breather.

\--------------------

Considering you and Karen lived within a couple blocks of each other you would always meet at a middle point and walk together.

She was leaned against the building that marked the middle point when you whistled at her. Her head flew up and you saw that moment of anger thinking she was simply being cat called until she realized it was you and a smile spread across her face "Well hello dear" you hooked your arm through hers as the two of you continued the way to Josie's.

She talked about her most recent article she was working on so you gave her the highlights of your work week plus the joy of seeing Alice attempt to bake bread which although she was trying for the soup kitchen it turned into chaos when the dough managed to get into her hair and she called you begging you to come over.

"Y/N to the rescue once again" she teased. You looked up to see you had already reached Josie's. "That being said Ms Page I am buying your first round whether you like it or not"

\--------------------

You opened the door to the bar and let her walk in first then followed close behind her. You scanned the crowd for Foggy and spotted him at a table near the corner of the room talking with Matt. You bumped Karen's arm and pointed "There he is and I thought Foggy wanted to get drinks?" She smiled at you then shrugged "Don't look at me. You're the one that helped them start getting back on good terms.

You rolled your eyes but returned her smile. It was nice to see Foggy and Matt working to get their friendship back to where it was. The two of you made your way through the crowd keeping hold of each other's arm so as to not end up having any drunks bump into you. Foggy glanced up and smiled when you called out "Nelson I need a lawyer!" 

He stood and pulled you then Karen into a hug "It's good to see you two" Matt greeted both of you with a smile as you sat down and Foggy disappeared to the bar to order everyone's drinks.

Karen started small talk by bringing up the call you'd went on a couple weeks before where a frat boy had gotten his head stuck in the railings of the stairs and Matt started laughing "How did you get him loose?" "Very carefully" you replied with a laugh before going into detail.

\-----------------------

A song came on the jukebox that apparently Foggy was very fond of a few drinks in. He bumped Matt's arm and started humming a few bars. Matt grinned but said "Um Y/N, Karen I'd run because he knows I won't dance with him so one of you are bound to be his victim" 

You chunked a balled up piece of paper at Foggy "Will Marci mind?" "Not at all" when he said that you got to your feet and grabbed his hand "Then c'mon Nelson! Let's see what type of moves you've got!" 

You couldn't help the laughter that fell from your lips as you and Foggy danced. A part of it felt strange after everything, for you to be out enjoying yourself like this but you decided to let yourself be even for a night. The guilt of being alive could return later.

Foggy had just dramatically dipped you when you felt a hand tap your shoulder so you spun around to see it was Karen "Can I cut in?" "For me or him?" You asked with a smirk. She grabbed Foggy's hand then whispered in your ear "Matt has been smiling every time you laugh"

You watched the two of them for a second then walked back over to the table and sat down next to Matt. "Be glad you can't see any of our dance moves. You wouldn't want to be in public with any of us ever again" he smiled then shook his head "Can't be that bad. Besides the way you were enjoying yourself, even the worse dance moves would be worth it" you felt your cheeks warm and for a second was glad he couldn't see it until he reminded you of his other abilities by saying "Didn't mean to make you blush, I just know you've been through a lot" " Haven't we all?" You turned to look back at Foggy and Karen who were now standing at the bar not so subtly watching you and Matt.

"We have an audience" you leaned over to whisper in his ear letting your hand rest on his shoulder. He turned and gently moved your head to the side so he could whisper back and you had to fight the urge to squirm when his warm breath hit the skin of your neck "Then I guess I need to go ahead and ask you out so they can come back over" you turned your head so quickly to look at him your lips nearly touched "Matt did you hit your head again?" That drew a laugh from him. He tilted his head to the side slightly then said "Not that I can remember. Still doesn't change that I just asked you on a date and you haven't said no"

"I'm off tomorrow night then I don't see another free weekend for two weeks" you nearly whispered but knew Matt could hear you just fine. "I'll come to your place around seven?" He suggested so you said "sounds good to me" and left a quick kiss on his cheek. Foggy and Karen magically decided to come over with the last round of the night at that moment. "So what'd we miss?" Foggy asked, passing your drink across the table.


	28. Chapter 28

"Karen said you're a fan of chinese food and that you like this place" Matt said as the two of you sat down at your table. "I am and I do" you replied trying to squash the nerves you'd been feeling since he came to your place to pick you up. Hell no one could blame you, you hadn't been on a date with anyone but Billy in the better part of a decade.

You glanced around focusing on the different paintings and decorations adorning the walls. This was just Matt. You knew him, he knew you so why did you feel like your heart may jump out your chest at a moment's notice? What pulled your attention back to him was when he reached across the table and barely let his hand brush against yours "Y/N, we're friends. This doesn't have to be considered anything more than two friends getting dinner. There's no pressure" you felt yourself start to calm down slightly at his words. You moved your hand closer to his and he smiled when you gently slid your fingers between his "I just want to make sure that no matter what happens I won't lose you out of my life Matt" 

"Don't even worry about that. I'm not the type to hold it against someone if a relationship doesn't work out" you knew he was telling the truth because Karen was a perfect example of just that but you felt the need to lighten the mood slightly so you added "good because if we start dating then breakup I'd hate to have to hire Marci to fight you for custody of Foggy" a broad grin crept onto his face at that before he said in a very solemn voice "We will continue to have shared custody" you started laughing which made him crack up and by the time the waitress came over to take your order you'd forgotten why you'd been nervous in the first place.

\--------------------

After dinner you and Matt were walking down the sidewalk trying to decide what to do next because although you'd been nervous now it seemed as though neither of you were ready to call it a night.

You heard faint music from a little ways down the block and grabbed his hand "C'mon Murdock. Let's check out the band!" He smiled and motioned with his free hand "Lead the way" 

You walked into the bar holding onto Matt's hand. There was a jazz band performing and the crowd wasn't too overwhelming so you worked your way towards an empty booth you'd spotted near the corner of the room. 

You sat down then scooted around the circular table so Matt could also sit down and that there was enough room that you were both comfortable.

A waitress spotted you and walked over with a smile "Good evening. What'll you have?" Matt ordered a beer and you asked for a whiskey sour. She said she'd be back shortly leaving the two of you alone once again. Matt turned a little towards you and it seemed like he wanted to say something but he simply smiled "The band's pretty good"

"Yeah they are but that's not what you wanted to say" you replied watching him for a moment. A faint smile graced his face before he agreed "No it wasn't but I really don't want to seem overly nosey especially if you're considering a second date" "Second date? Ambitious!" You teased then said "It's not being nosey Matt just ask. I don't keep a lot of secrets well not about myself anyways"

"Just everyone else's?" He asked leaning back so the waitress who'd just walked back over could sit down your drinks. After she walked away you replied "Exactly. Now ask" he took a deep breath and almost seemed to be bracing himself which given what you knew about him made you wonder how bad the question was. "Why were you so nervous to go out with me?" 

Oh that's what it was. You tried to judge just how much to tell him. Might as well give him at least most of the story so if he decided he in fact didn't want a second date "Ok well you know about the last year of my life and the chaos that ensued from that" he nodded so you continued "Well not long before that day the guy I'd been with for quite a few years Billy um he ended things, out the blue. One moment we were planning our future then the next he was telling me he didn't want to be with me anymore. I didn't have time to let myself heal from that before I lost the castles. To make matters worse and my heart more shredded he came to the funeral because well he was Frank's best friend. I was in pain, he comforted me and over the next couple weeks was there for me until I ended up sleeping with him again. I thought it was a new start then the next morning I woke up to him telling me it was all a lie and I needed to get out his apartment"

You waited for any judgment but it never came. He simply leaned closer to your ear and whispered "My ex girlfriend who died while fighting ninjas who wanted her as their key to unlock some ancient power as it turned out was placed into my life back in college as a way to keep me from pursuing a normal life. Also the only reason two of the few friends I do have started back talking to me is because of you helping me" you laughed lightly "so basically our lives are screwed up anyways so let's keep each other company?" You asked and he shrugged "If you want my company I'm happy to give it"

\---------------------

It was nearly midnight by the time Matt walked you to the door of your building. "So is this gonna turn into a second date kind of thing or have I already scared you off?" You turned to face him and was surprised he was closer than you'd expected but felt your heart speed up slightly which in turn caused a rush of embarrassment at the fact that you knew he'd heard your heartbeat change. "I don't scare off too easily" he replied and you found yourself staring at his lips when he spoke. God you were acting like some teenager on their first date. "So if a woman asked you for a goodnight kiss you wouldn't mind?" You asked and was rewarded with a smile "not at all" 

One of his hands came up to cup your cheek and the other went to your hip as you stepped closer to him and finally let your lips meet. His lips moved against yours almost gently. When you let your hands slide up around his neck he deepened the kiss causing a sigh to escape you. He used the chance to slip his tongue into your mouth rolling it against yours and you had to bite back a moan.

The sound of someone clearing their throat caused the two of you to separate like you'd been caught doing a lot more than kissing and you were glad to see it was just your upstairs neighbor Mr Garcia. "Hi Mr Garcia" you greeted with what you knew was a guilty looking smile. 

He was trying to keep from laughing when he said "Don't mind me. Had to go on a cravings run for Lena and the two of you were kind of blocking the door" "How is she doing? She's close to her due date isn't she?" You asked and felt Matt's hand on your lower back so you leaned a little into his touch to let him know it was ok. "She's thirty four weeks so we're on the downward slope. You being downstairs makes both of us more comfortable" "Anytime I'm needed you have my number" you said with a smile. He nodded then looked at Matt "She's a good girl son. Treat her right" Matt nodded "Yes sir"

Once Mr Garcia was in the building Matt started laughing "Was it just me or was that dejavu to teen years?" "Very" you agreed with a laugh then leaned up to kiss him on the cheek "You have my number. I've got back to back shifts the next few days but we could always meet for breakfast or lunch?" "Looking forward to it" he said with a smile.

You watched him start down the sidewalk before heading inside. Like everyone had said it didn't have to be anything serious. Hell he was healing the same as you were but maybe it would be good for you both.

\-------------------------

Telling Alice you'd went out with Matt was extremely reminiscent of the first date you'd went on then coming home to Maria waiting up for details.

"He's cute! Do you like him? Did ya kiss him?" She was shooting questions off faster than you could answer them although the two of you had actually went to the bunk room to crash for a while between calls "Yes I like him! I mean we've been friends for a while now" she rolled her eyes then chunked her pillow at your head "That's not what I meant and you know it!" 

"I mean it was only one date but it was nice. It's been so long since I let myself think about another guy in that way but he is a really good kisser" before you even got through saying it completely Alice was laughing "Oh yeah my girl's getting her feet back under her completely and it is beautiful to see!" You sat up and looked at her "I thought you liked Billy?" The way she was talking you felt the need to ask. 

She shrugged "Honestly? I did. I really thought the two of you would be it for each other but I've also now seen you cry over him twice! He's done you wrong and has given no explanation. Like I told him years ago if he can't see how amazing of a woman you are then all the better for Murdock being able to see that. Look, the two of you don't gotta be anything. You could stay friends, just have sex. Doesn't matter. I just don't like seeing you as broken as Billy made you feel. Least he could've done was give you a reason"

You couldn't argue with that. Hell you would've felt better if Billy could've given you any reason besides that he just didn't love you anymore. It made you question so much about yourself then when he acted like he cared when Maria and the kids were killed only to turn around and say it was all a lie. "I think we're gonna see each other again like as a date not just friends" you finally said after a moment and she flashed you a grin "Good"

\----------------------

The transition from being Matt's friend into dating him wasn't as hard as you thought it would be. You worried about him the same as you did before with the whole daredevil thing, that hadn't changed any. You still hung out in a group with Karen and Foggy when you could, the only difference was that at the end of the night Matt would kiss you before you went your separate ways.

\----------------------

"So how it's going with Matt?" Karen asked handing you a beer as she joined you on the couch. You were off and wanted to watch horror movies but didn't feel like watching them alone so when you called to see if she wanted to come crash in your guest room that night she had offered to bring the provisions.

"You know it's a little weird that you are just curious as a friend considering he's your ex?" You said and she shrugged "Quick question Y/N out of everyone you know would you consider any of us completely normal?" You thought about it for a moment then slowly shook your head "Not really. I mean Curtis is the most stable one by far"

She grinned pulling her blanket up around her like you had yours. "So answer my question!" You stared at the screen for a moment where the opening credits to Halloween 2 was playing. "It's going good. He's a bit of change from Billy. I mean that in a good way I guess? Just with Billy by the time we started dating we knew each other better than we knew ourselves. Hell we said I love you after three months but I felt it long before that. With Matt I'm honest with him but he's very careful as to what he asks. Like he knows most of what happened with Billy and that my family was shitty is how I ended up with Maria and her parents. I've asked about his past, the accident that made his lose his sight i know about. How he met Foggy, how he met Elektra he's honest when I ask anything. I just feel like to some degree maybe Matt sees me as more fragile than Billy ever did?"

She was quiet for a moment so you turned to look at her and saw she was chewing on her bottom lip "That's your I want so bad to say something face, so say it!" She released her lip from between her teeth with a light pop then smiled "Maybe because with Billy you never let him treat you as being fragile. Frank doesn't share a lot but Curtis does. You were a livewire from day one of meeting Billy. Matt's seen you on some days where you've been stressed but he's never seen you in ways like even I have. I've seen you pissed, I've seen you giggly happy. How your eyes light up after shifts where you've saved someone's life or how when you've had a bad shift there's times you want so bad to be alone but you still smile when me, Alice or Kenzie shows up at your door" 

"So what? I don't have very much of a filter as is so you're saying drop what filter I try to have?" She nodded "Yeah because honestly? At the end of the day no matter what happens you two are still gonna be friends. He knows about eighty percent of the real you. Show him the other twenty and he'd never see you as anything near fragile"

\-----------------------

After the little talk with Karen you no longer tried to filter anything with Matt. Hell you knew he was daredevil why would he not be able to handle you at full force?

"Jason and Chief Michelson nearly had a coronary themselves when I climbed into the flipped over car" you were talking to him about a wreck you'd worked a few days before hand and he was listening intently. The two of you had went out to dinner then ended up going back to his place. You were currently sitting on his couch with your feet curled up under you watching the rain fall outside as you talked. You'd kicked your boots off at the door because they'd been wet.

"How'd it turn out?" "The guy had three cracked ribs, a concussion and a pretty serious head laceration but he's alive and was released to go home today" you replied feeling a smile slip onto your face then realized you'd been talking for the better part of twenty minutes "I've been rambling haven't I?" You asked and he reached out to grab your hand "Not rambling. I like listening to you talk. You're passionate about your work. I think you're nothing short of amazing" "You mean my work?" You asked and he shook his head "No, I mean you" 

"Oh" you didn't know what else to say. "I don't mean to over step and honestly I thought you were amazing long before I ever thought about asking you out. I mean anyone who works with the NYFD are heroes" you laughed lightly and put one finger to his lips "Now you're rambling Matt" he smiled and kissed your fingers "My apologies"

You didn't realize how close you'd moved until his hand brushed against your leg. "Y/N" his voice was so soft when he spoke your name you leaned forward just enough to let your lips meet his. 

Every other time you'd kissed him had gotten to a certain point then one or both of you pulled away but this time was different. When he pulled back you were both a little breathless "Y/N. Where do you want this to go?" You felt a rush of either confidence hit you or it was just the fact that you hadn't had anyone kiss you like that in a long time. You moved your legs to be straddling his lap and had to bite back a moan when you felt how hard he already was underneath you "Well I was thinking about your bed but the couch would be fine too" 


	29. Chapter 29

Matt told you more than once that the reason he had originally rented his place was because it was cheaper due to the billboard outside the living room window that would be considered a nuisance to anyone sighted. You could see the billboard being bothersome but you loved the large windows especially on a night like tonight.

You were sitting on his couch curled up under the blanket he normally kept folded on the back of it. You watched as lightning crackled across the sky and felt goosebumps on your arms every time it thundered. You could feel tears trying to build in your eyes as you watched the storm rage. It didn't seem like too long ago that on a night like this you would be staying with Maria and the kids to help her with Lisa. Days went by that it seemed as if maybe you would find a way to not move on but learn to live with it then there were days that a surprise storm would roll in or you'd pass a little boy with brown hair and a crooked smile and it would feel like your heart had been ripped out your chest all over again. 

Your heart ached for Frank too on nights like this. You had learned from Maria to let people in when you were in pain. Frank had never been capable of doing that. Billy could always get further past his armor than you could most of the time but that was the old Billy. The marine who Frank found as a young kid and took him under his wing. The man you'd fell in love with. Not the CEO you saw plastered on magazines and newspapers periodically. 

You still thought about him often enough. You didn't feel guilty about it even when you would be curled up next to Matt while he was fast asleep. More than one night he had said Elektra's name in his sleep. You didn't hold it against him. He loved her the same way you loved Billy. The only thing was she had died in his arms choosing to be at his side even if it meant the end. You envied him the surety of knowing the one person who had ever truly claimed his heart had reciprocated the feelings. 

"How did you get out of bed without waking me up?" Matt asked from the doorway leading into his bedroom. You glanced up to see him standing there with a small smile, his hair tousled from sleep and the sweatpants he'd worn to bed sitting low on his hips and couldn't help from a small smile slipping onto your face. "Very carefully" you answered hoping he hadn't heard you sniffling.

He walked over to you, yawning "Can I join you?" You scooted over enough he could sit on the couch next to you then put your bare legs across his lap and used the blanket to spread over both of you. He put one hand on your thigh and leaned his head back. For a moment you thought he'd fell back asleep until he said "Do you want to talk? I mean about anything. I'll listen. I know storms are hard for you and I can't believe I didn't wake up the first time it thundered" "They just bring a lot of memories. Since Lisa was old enough to know what a storm was she was afraid of thunder and that was saying something with that kid" 

He half smiled "She was fearless like her aunt?" You laughed "Oh I'm far from fearless. The only reason I can get through moments that scare the hell out of me is remembering something Frank taught me that he learned in bootcamp" "Oh yeah what was that?" Matt asked, leaning his head over closer to yours. You reached a hand out to comb your fingers through his hair, feeling the small scar right at his hairline that came from when Frank had shot him. It was almost enough to distract you from the ache in your heart.

"Pissed off beats scared every time. Anger gets you through times when sadness, grief or anxiety won't. Sometimes you've got to tap into that" you blinked a few times just to clear your thoughts then continued "Lisa was.. god she was the perfect mixture of Maria and Frank. Dark brown hair that she refused to cut as soon as she got old enough, a smile that no one could ever see and not return. She was caring and warm like Maria and a fighter like Frank. The few times she got in trouble at school was getting involved when a younger kid was getting picked on. I have not a single doubt that little girl would've been the first female president if that's what she would've set her mind to" 

Matt smiled softly as you spoke then asked "What was Frank Jr like?" You knew that was his way of getting you out your own head and knew in a way he'd picked it up from you because that's how you always got him, Karen or any of your friends talking for that matter. "Oh he was a little man through and through. He killed the spiders for mommy,Lisa and aunt Y/N and always helped Frank do any projects around the house when he was stateside. He was opinionated but if you'd known Maria and Frank like I did that wouldn't be a surprise. They were both so smart and amazing. They both were able to swim like fishes from the time they were five. Lisa loved dinosaurs and the aquarium was always a hit for them both. The day Maria had both of them I was holding her hand" you felt tears start to well up in your eyes when you confessed "I was supposed to go with them that day Matt. Getting my heart broke saved my life but god there's been times I've wondered if I was supposed to be there. Maybe I could've helped them, could've done something"

He reached to pull you closer to him and you let him, moving to be straddling his lap more.You laid your head over on his bare chest listening to the steady rhythm of his heartbeat. He ran his hands across your back soothingly "When I felt guilt for Elektra what did you tell me?" "That if you were supposed to die you would've, that the world still had need for you" you whispered but knew he heard you. He kissed the top of your head gently then said "and it's apparent the world still has use for you. You save people daily. I don't know Frank that well but you being safe was the main thing he worried about in his trial. I think that helped him keep some semblance of sanity. I didn't know Maria but from the way you talk about it's clear the two of you loved each other. I know it doesn't help but they knew you loved them and Frank knows if there was any way in your power that you could've saved them you would've"

"Thank you Matt" you spoke with your head against his chest. He nodded then yawned again "Do you want to try to go back to bed or want to just get comfortable out here?" You slowly climbed off his lap then grabbed his hand "C'mon Murdock. You've got court in the morning and my shift starts at nine"

He let you lead him into the room then climbed in bed after you. Once he was sure you were comfortable he slid his arm around your waist "This ok?" He always asked to make sure. You scooted further back a bit and felt him relax behind you "Go to sleep Matt. I'm ok. I promise" he leaned his head over to be resting between your shoulders and it wasn't long before his breathing evened out and you felt sleep start to tug at you.

Matt didn't kiss or touch you like Billy. You didn't feel the way you felt with Billy with him. You didn't think you'd ever feel that way again because a big part of your heart would always be filled with what ifs shaped like Billy but Matt was sweet and he was your friend and he cared about you beyond the confines of his bedroom.You didn't need anymore than that. Any more would only lead to more pain and you weren't sure where your breaking point was. You liked whatever was between you and Matt, it was simple. 

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You were trying to find your other boot among the mess of shoes in your closet floor and was close to giving up and just wearing your sneakers when you finally found it poking out from behind a duffle bag. You grabbed it and walked back out to your bed to slip it on, glancing at the time since you were supposed to meet Matt around one for lunch.

You were just going to grab your jacket out the closet when your phone started ringing. You checked and saw it was Alice so you answered it with a smile "Hello dear" "Hi honey!" She greeted. "What's up?" You asked gathering everything you needed and doing a double check to make sure you hadn't forgotten anything. "Are you and Matt still coming out with me and Kenzie friday night?" She asked and you had to fight the urge to laugh considering she'd only reminded you of it every day for the past week "Yes dear. Unless some unforeseen horrible situation pops up we shall be there with bells on" 

"Good. What are you up to today?" That was one thing you loved about your friendship with Alice, the two of you had been partners for years meaning you saw each other every day you worked yet you still at the very least spoke on the phone on your days off. "I am currently headed to the courthouse so I can get lunch with Matt and Foggy while they're on a break from this trial then I am going to help Curt with tonight's meeting then I'm meeting Matt later" "Sounds like a full day then. Have fun and call me later" "of course" you replied before both of you said goodbye.

You locked your apartment then headed downstairs. 

\----------------------------

"We've got to get back Matt" Foggy said checking his watch as the three of you walked out the restaurant. Matt slid his arm around your waist "Around seven then?" "Yeah I'll just come to your place" you replied leaning up to place a quick kiss on his lips. "Ok ok none of that now" Foggy teased with a laugh so you winked at him "Well I'd kiss you but Marci may get upset Foggy" then told Matt "I'll see you later"

They headed back towards the courthouse so you checked to see what time it was. You still had a couple hours until Curtis' meeting. You decided to pop in the bulletin to see what Karen was up to then you could hit the flower shop down from there and take flowers by the cemetery on your way to the meeting.

\---------------------

You walked into the bulletin and heard Ellison say your name. You turned with a smile and he shook his head "Sure I shouldn't just get you a name tag for here?" "Well if you insist. Can it just say like Karen Page's official shadow?" He cracked a smile then nodded towards her office "She's finishing up. Maybe you can drag her out before everyone leaves for the day"

You didn't bother knocking on her door and simply walked in. Her eyes flew up from the computer but she smiled when she saw it was you then turned her attention back to the screen "Hey Y/N" you sat down across the desk from her and returned the smile although she wasn't looking at you "Ellison said you're finishing up so you wanna come with me? I've got a few errands to run then I'm helping Curt set up for the meeting tonight" she glanced up then back down and finally nodded "Give me ten minutes?" "Take your time" you replied then headed for the coffee machine in the break room.

When she finally finished up she started gathering all her stuff so you walked back into her office and leaned against the door to wait. "What errands do you need to run?" She asked pulling her jacket on then grabbing her bag. "Flower shop, cemetery, bakery" you listed off and her eyes widened "Like Maria and the kids cemetery?" "Yeah why?" "Are you sure that's ok?" "With who?" 

You were confused until it finally hit you she meant Frank. "Oh. Of course. Why wouldn't it be?" A smile slipped back onto her face when you said that then she nodded "Well in that case let's go"

\---------------------

"Why sunflowers and peonies?" Karen asked following you through the maze of headstones. "Sunflower are my favorite and peonies were Maria's then white carnations for the kids" "I never knew sunflowers were your favorite" you glanced over your shoulder and smiled "anything you wanna know about lil ol me feel free to ask. What's your favorite flower?" She bit her bottom lip then smiled "I never really thought about it? I guess white roses are pretty?" You nodded approvingly "I like white roses"

When you turned to walk up to Maria and the kids graves Karen hesitated then followed you. Her eyes skimmed across all the headstones hesitating on the one you and Curtis had installed for Frank. You knew it was her first time here and it was probably a little jarring so you gave her some space. You walked closer to Maria's headstone and hesitated when you saw there was a bouquet of sunflowers and peonies already there. 

They were a little wilted, looked to have been there a few days but it was a strange combination. Curtis would've bought red roses, Frank would've bought just peonies. As far as you knew you were the only person to know the significance of the two flowers together besides well...why would he bring sunflowers when they represented you? You quickly brushed off the question when Karen asked "Did you bring those?" pointing to the other bouquet. You shook your head then knelt to add the new flowers "Wasn't me" 

You offered the carnations to Karen to place on Lisa and Frank Jr's graves. "I don't feel like I should" she said but you reminded her "You've fought for answers the same way I have, you fought for their dad. C'mon it's just flowers" she finally took them and placed them then lightly touched each name. You stood and brushed off the knees of your jeans. "I love you three so much" you spoke softly and felt her move to put an arm around your shoulders. She didn't say anything just stood at your side until you smiled at her "Let's go. I gotta make a bakery run for the meeting"

\---------------------

After the bakery run Karen headed home while you headed for the meeting hall. When you got there Curtis was already placing chairs so you started setting up the snack table. 

After the meeting you stayed to help him clean up. "So how's things with you and Murdock?" He asked not so subtly. Frank had even asked you that the week before when you'd seen him. "Fine? I mean I'm not exactly picking out china patterns but it's good" 

He nodded then continued hanging the chairs. "Saw Billy a few days ago" "He bring you the check?" You asked and Curtis laughed "Yes ma'am" you knew Billy paid the rent and utilities for the hall you were standing in. He paid for the supplies for the soup kitchen also. As far as you were concerned that was the least he could do. 

"Don't got to ask how he's doing. I see articles once a month about Anvil" you muttered a little snappier than you meant to. Curtis just chuckled "He's an asshole sometimes but he is good at his work" "Yeah gotta give him that I guess" you agreed with a sigh.

\------------------------

By the time you made it to Matt's you wanted nothing more than to go to bed but your stomach was demanding food. You slowly climbed the stairs to his apartment and knocked "It's open" he called out and when you walked in you were met with smells of your favorite dishes from the chinese place on the corner "Ok Matty, two questions" you said kicking your boots off by the door. He was standing at the sink and smiled "Ok?"

"How'd you know it was me and how'd you know I was hungry?" You asked walking over to kiss him on the cheek. He smiled "Your heartbeat for one. I know it pretty well by now and I was getting hungry so I figured you would be too" "My hero" you teased with a laugh.

\--------------------

When friday rolled around you were just finishing up your hair and makeup when your phone rang. You knew it was Matt so you grabbed it "I'm almost done. Want to come on up?" "Already on the elevator" he replied so you told him goodbye then hung up.

You didn't know what Alice had planned for tonight so you'd went as versatile as possible. You had on black jeans, knee high boots and a dark red top. You grabbed your jacket about the time you heard a knock on your door. 

You grabbed your bag off the table then opened the door to find Matt standing on the other side "Ready to go?" He asked with a tilt of his head. "Of course" you said and smiled when he pulled you in for a kiss "Haven't got to do that in a few days" "Well I plan to stay at your place tonight so unless the other guy was headed out you can do that many more times" he smiled "I think he can stay in tonight"

\------------------------

You walked into the restaurant Alice had told you to meet her at holding Matt's hand before you spotted her and Kenzie. "I see them" you told him then lead the way through the crowd. 

When the two of you made it to the table they greeted you both with hugs then shared a look before Kenzie held out her left hand showing a beautiful diamond ring on a certain finger "You proposed?" You asked Alice who nodded "Oh my God!" You practically squealed pulling them both into a hug. Once you released them Matt congratulated them. "So I'm your best man, best woman, best whatever right?" You asked Alice with a smirk. She rolled her eyes "Down girl. We haven't started planning yet but you bet your ass when the day rolls around you'll be in it"

\-------------------------

After dinner you nor Alice wanted to call it a night so you all decided to head to a nearby bar to grab a few drinks. None of you had to work the next day and two of your best friends getting engaged was plenty enough reason to celebrate.

Alice was recalling a story from your early days as partners and you were hiding your face in Matt's shoulder because she'd just got to the embarrassing part "Jesus Matt please forget she said that!" You laughed and he pulled you closer to him "Sorry Y/N I think I'll have to tell Foggy that one too" "Matthew!" You hollered popping his shoulder playfully but couldn't help the laughter that bubbled out of you.

* * *

Billy didn't know exactly why he'd chosen that particular bar to walk into. He'd been in a late meeting with some asshole Senator who had pissed off a few too many people. He just needed a breather.

He knew he could have his pick of any woman in the place if he wanted but the moment he stepped in the door any other thought was chased out his mind when the sound of laughter hit his ears, your laughter. He could pick your voice out of a thousand others. He glanced around then spotted you in a corner booth. Alice and Kenzie were on one side and you were on the other with that damn lawyer. Murdock Curt had said his name was Matt Murdock, the same guy who'd represented Frank in his trial now apparently had you in his bed.

He'd heard you were dating but to actually see it in front of him. You with your head laid over on another man's shoulder, laughing and looking so damn happy. God it made him hate himself that much more. Everything in him wanted to storm across the bar and snatch you away from Murdock, he wanted to break every finger that was now caressing your neck gently. Both hands clenched into fists when you turned your head just enough to place a kiss onto his lips. 

He'd very rarely felt such rage. Yeah he'd killed plenty of times but it was always a mission or something to keep Rawlins at bay. Now? He had to remind himself that you weren't his anymore. No matter how it felt he couldn't do anything about you being with someone else. Instead of retreating he headed to the bar, may as well get a drink.

Not long passed and he saw all of you gathering jackets and bags. You and Murdock were the first two out the booth and despite knowing he shouldn't he stood to purposely put himself in your path. 

You weren't looking ahead. You were talking low to Murdock, whispering something in his ear then laughed but the moment you looked up and locked eyes with him you froze "Billy" "Y/N" he spoke your name eyes never leaving yours.

* * *

You knew Matt could hear how hard your heart was pounding in your chest. You hated the effect Billy had on you still. "Y/N do you want to catch up?" He asked pulling his hand away but you quickly grabbed it "No. I don't" 

Billy finally took his eyes off you to glance at Matt "You're Murdock right? You and Nelson represented Frankie" Matt nodded and offered his hand which Billy actually shook to a bit of your surprise "Yeah. I've heard a lot about you" Billy glanced at you as he said "Yeah same here. Thank Nelson for trying to help Frank for me will ya" "Of course" Matt replied.

You knew Matt was trying to be diplomatic but you could feel the tension rolling off all three of you. You and Billy had barely taken your eyes off each other. You were grateful when Kenzie and Alice walked up "Hey Russo. You annoying my partner?" Alice was trying to sound like she was joking but you knew she wasn't.

"Nope was just saying hey" Billy replied then turned his attention to Kenzie's left hand "That's a nice ring" she smiled and held her hand out "We're out celebrating that Alice proposed and we're just headed to another bar" you cut your eyes at her because all of you had just decided to head home but she gave you a just go with it look.

"Well congrats" Billy told them both then looked back at you. "I'll let you all get going"

You grabbed Matt's hand on one side and Alice's on the other then walked out without so much as a glance back. You knew your heart couldn't handle it.

* * *

"That should be my ring on Y/N's finger" was the only thought in Billy's head as he watched you walk away from him on another man's arm. How the fuck had his life ever got away from him to the point it was at? 


	30. Chapter 30

You were surprised that after seeing Billy that night Matt didn't ask any questions. He knew how Billy had broken up with you so suddenly and what had happened after Maria and the kids were killed. Hell he had heard Alice's side which you would even admit painted Billy as nothing short of having devil horns peeking out. You couldn't hold it against her, she'd known you for years and was very protective. 

You couldn't help but think had you been in his position you would've been curious. Especially considering you knew for a fact he'd heard how fast your heart was pounding when you saw Billy. 

You let it go for about two weeks until you were laying awake one night in the bunk room and couldn't handle it anymore so you grabbed your phone off the charger and hit his number as you walked outside into the cool night air. A few of the guys were up in the common area watching t.v. A few moments later he answered with a sleep ridden "Hello?" "Are we good Matt?" You heard him make a confused sound then heard his bedside clock read him the time "Y/N it's two in the morning. What do you mean are we good? Is something wrong?" You let out a sigh suddenly feeling very self conscious about the fact that you had apparently been over thinking again. "Wait this is about us seeing Billy isn't it?" He asked once it truly registered what you'd said.

"Yeah I mean...the rest of that night you were quiet and didn't exactly even attempt to initiate anything for a few days afterwards. Did I do something?" You could hear him moving around in the bed and could imagine him pushing himself up to a seated position, probably rubbing between his eyes while he did so. "Y/N we've been honest with each other from the start. I know you still love him in a way and that you probably always will and that doesn't bother me. The reason I backed off is because I wanted to make it clear to you that if you decide that you want this to go back to a non intimate friendship that I'm not removing you from my life. You want to keep going the way we have? Ok. I just want it crystal clear that we're going to remain friends. Hell like Karen says this insane little group of ours is the closest thing to family most of us have left" 

You felt a little lighter just hearing him say that. "You do know you're clear to change things if you want and I'll be ok with it too?" You asked and he replied "I know. Now you feel better?" "Yeah I do actually" you tried and failed to stifle a yawn and he laughed "Why don't we meet at the diner when you get off?" "Sounds good to me" you replied and heard Alice come out the door behind you as you and Matt said your goodbyes then hung up. 

You turned around to see her leaned against the doorway "You were over thinking weren't ya?" You nodded so she held out her arm and you let her throw it across your shoulders "C'mon honey let's go try to get some sleep before we get called out again" about the time the words left her mouth another yawn escaped your lips as if to emphasise her point. 

\--------------------

By the time eight rolled around the next morning you and Alice had done your entire check list and were waiting on ready when Ash and Riley walked through the doors. "Freedom!" Alice cheered grabbing your arm and running out the door with a laugh once the baton was passed on rig duty.

"So what's the plan for the day?" She asked as you followed her out to the street where she was trying to hail a cab. "I am going to meet Matt for breakfast, go home and sleep for a couple hours in my own bed then I will probably see if Curt needs me to pick up anything for the meeting" a cab pulled to a stop in front of the two of you but before she climbed in Alice stared at you for a second then shook her head with a laugh "I love you chic. See you tomorrow" 

You watched the cab pull away then turned to head to the diner. 

\------------------------

When you walked in the door Kaitlyn, the waitress who normally worked this shift smiled at you and nodded towards a table in the back. You followed her line of sight and thanked her when you saw Matt drinking a cup of coffee. 

He smiled when you sat down across from him "How was your shift?" "It drug on and on" you replied with a light laugh. 

Kaitlyn bought a cup of coffee over and sat it down in front of you "Your usual Y/N?" "Yes ma'am" She looked towards Matt "Same for you just eggs over easy instead of scrambled?" He smiled "Yes, thank you"

Once she walked off you bumped Matt's hand and teased "Do we come here that often?" He shrugged and said "If it makes you feel better, I'm pretty sure she knows Karen and Curtis' order that well too" 

\---------------------

You were feeling better by the time you and Matt walked out the diner. He had his arm through yours like he normally walked and the two of you were laughing over Foggy making the opposing attorney forget their line of questioning. "He doubts himself at times but he is really an amazing lawyer. I'd want him on my side that's for sure" you said then quickly added "you too of course" 

Matt grinned at your slip up "oh of course" the two of you started walking towards your apartment and he asked what your plans were for the day. "I'm going to see just how hot of a shower I can take then sleep for a few hours. After that I'm thinking I'll just get out later for some fresh air. Curt has a group meeting tonight. I may swing by after it to see if he needs clean-up help"

You were also hoping Frank may show up this week. It'd been too long since you saw him last and you were starting to worry, Karen was too. "Well if you want to get together later I'm free" he offered about the time the two of you made it to your building. "I may just take you up on that offer Murdock" you replied then left a light kiss on his cheek "I'll call you after I leave Curt" 

He smiled and said "I'll keep my phone close by" then turned to walk away. You headed inside and spoke to Ms Johnson who was gathering her mail. "Y/N you just getting in?" You nodded "Yes ma'am. I got some breakfast after shift now I'm going to go get a little more sleep. It was a hectic night" "Remember to take care of yourself sweetie" you smiled "Yes ma'am" and walked onto the elevator.

\-----------------------

You fell asleep a little after ten and woke up around one thirty to your phone ringing. For a moment you considered just not answering it but then on second thought you grabbed it "Hello?" You didn't bother trying to cover the sleep in your voice, everyone that would be calling you with maybe the exception of Frank pretty much knew your schedule. 

"Shit Y/N you're coming off a back to back shift aren't you?" When you heard Curtis' voice you pushed yourself up in the bed to a seated position "Yeah but it's fine Curt. What's up?" "I'm going to be running a little behind today. I'll be there to actually run the meeting but can you set up everything?" You nodded still half asleep then remembered he couldn't see you over the phone "Yeah no problem. Bakery run this week or no?" "Just coffee should be fine. I appreciate it" he replied and you smiled to yourself before saying "any time Curt"

After he hung up you considered going back to sleep but thought better of it. You kicked your blanket off and decided on getting out and getting some fresh air before you headed across town to set up for the meeting.

\-------------------------

You had been wandering around for the better part of a couple hours. That was the beauty of living in New York. There was always some place you could go. 

You had considered dropping by the bulletin but given the time of day they'd be running around doing last minute stuff for the following day's edition and you didn't want to be in the way.

You did drop Karen a text asking if she wanted to grab lunch the following day and she'd quickly replied with a yes and a smiley face.

\----------------------

You walked into the meeting hall humming under your breath. A part of you was tempted to play music on your phone while you set up but you didn't want to chance Curtis walking in and getting a laugh at your expense.

By the time you had the chairs in a nice wide circle and a fresh pot of coffee going you heard the outer doors open a few moments before Curtis walked in with a smile "You're a life saver Y/N!" You greeted him with a smile and said "I told you way back when I'd help in any way"

The two of you still had a few minutes to kill before anyone would show up so you grabbed a cup and leaned against the wall not far from where Curtis was sitting. "How's the planning going for Alice and Kenz?" You stifled a laugh considering they'd called you the week before because Alice's grandmother bless her heart was trying to figure out a way for them both to have a piece of her wedding dress to wear when the day did roll around.

"It's going. They're planning on a longer engagement like next year-ish. I'm happy for them. They love each other a lot" he nodded then cut his eyes up at you "How are things with you?" "I'm good. Work's been insane but then again when is it not" he seemed like he wanted to say more but about that time more voices started drifting in out the hall and although you recognized some as regulars you talked to there were a few unfamiliar voices not to mention O'Connor who annoyed the shit out of you.

You pointed to the opposite door "I'll be in the hall" he chuckled lightly as you quickly retreated.

\------------------------

You were listening to Curtis tell a story you'd heard before, about a soldier in a hole. You actually liked hearing the way he told it and was trying to listen until the door at the end of the hall opened and Frank walked in.

Anyone else on the street passed him daily and didn't recognize him but even if you didn't know to look for the beard and longer hair, there was no hiding the way he walked and carried himself. You'd known him for far too long. When he met your eyes he didn't say a word, just came to stand next to you holding a book under his arm. 

The two of you stood silent while O'Connor went on yet another of his bullshit rambles. What made you turn to glance at Frank was when Lewis said "All I know is we risked our lives, did terrible things and it meant nothing when we got home" you still had no clue what actually went down in Kandahar. Frank didn't want to talk and you didn't want to push it but fuck he had to know that it would take something major to make you ever think about turning your back on him.

\--------------------------

Once the vets cleared out you walked into the room with Frank close behind him. Curtis hadn't looked up until you said "Look who I found" 

The two of them greeted each other while you started putting chairs away. What drew you back into the conversation was when Curtis said "Nobody wants to be themselves anymore. Internet, social media, god damn talent shows for assholes. Everybody wants to be somebody else. Nobody is happy to look in the mirror and just see themselves"

"Because then it means they don't have to be responsible either" you spoke and turned to see they were both looking at you so you shrugged and continued what you were doing. "What about you Frank? What's it gonna take to make you happy?" Curtis asked and you had to bite your lip not to laugh at least sarcastically when Frank's response was "Happy's a kick in the balls waiting to happen"

"He isn't wrong" you agreed and could see Curtis sigh simply from the fact that he'd signed on years ago to have you both in his life and it was far too late to turn back now. "I'll get to you later" he told you pointing his finger then looked back at Frank "So your solution is to kick yourself in the balls first? That's crazy lieutenant. Look you got half a life to live my friend. If you don't, you might as well be dead" 

He cut his eyes at you as he spoke but you knew what Frank was going to say even before he scoffed "Oh I am dead Curtis. You didn't hear?" You knew better than to try to get between the two of them so you hung up the chair in your hands then found a place between them to watch.

Curtis shook his head "Bullshit. You've got a name, a passport as I recall. Frank Castle's dead. Pete Castiglione, he's got a life. Anybody that had anything to do with what happened to Maria and the kids are dead. Mission accomplished. I don't have a problem with that, hell I would've helped you if you would've asked me" you knew to your heart Curtis meant that and hoped maybe he could talk Frank out of his own head.

"I know you would've" Frank spoke so low if his voice wasn't so deep you wouldn't have been able to hear him. You hated seeing just how much hell he was still putting himself through. "But now the only person you're punishing is yourself" Curtis added and you agreed whole heartedly.

Frank looked down at his cup then threw it away. "Thanks for the coffee" he took the few steps to where you were and pulled you into a quick hug "Good seeing you Y/N" "You too Frank" 

You watched him start to leave but he stopped at the door. "Hey Curt?" Curtis glanced up in response so he asked "How often you think about it? You know, the shit we did over there?"

Frank's eyes ticked towards you, so you busied yourself cleaning out the coffee maker. "All the time, but my conscience is clear" Curtis sounded genuine but you felt your heart twist at how Frank sounded when he said " Afghanistan was different, you know?"

"Different how?" Curtis asked and you started to wonder if maybe Frank would talk to him more if you walked out but Frank answered him "Just different. The things we did. They kinda got blurred" that honestly made you curious because during that timeline you were still with Billy. What had they been into? Curtis asked just that question "What were you into Frank?"

Frank didn't say anything so you turned back to face them both. Curtis shook his head "You see, what worries me the most is that you've been in a hole long enough that it's become home" Frank didn't meet his or your eyes when he said "Maybe that's where I'm supposed to be" there was a little pause of silence before Curtis finally said "Do me a favor Frank. Don't be a wallowing asshole. Before I have to take this fake leg off and beat you to death with it"

All three of you cracked up at that. Curtis smiled at the tension having been broken "Just imagine that headstone. Here lies Frank Castle. He lost an ass kicking contest to a one legged man… I'd do it" Frank glanced at you with a half smile "I'd actually like to see that" you laughed "Me too"

Frank put his hat back on then pulled his hood up "Take care of yourself Curt. You too sweetheart" "Don't stay away so long next time" you told him and he nodded before walking out.

After the outer door shut Curtis glanced back towards you "Now should we get started on your issues too tonight? Or put a pin in them for another time?" You grinned and held up your phone "I'm supposed to meet Matt when I leave here so can we stick a pin?" He laughed and said "As long as you don't try be a wallowing asshole either"

"Nope. I'm good being a normal asshole" you teased with a wink.

\----------------------------

Curtis offered to drop you off with Matt instead of you walking or having to grab a cab. It wasn't worth arguing him that Matt's place was the opposite direction of his so you just took the ride.

When he pulled up in front of Matt's building he parked and you were about to climb out when he said "Think we'll ever get him out that hole?" You let out a hard breath thinking over the last few months "I hope so Curt" he reached across to hug you then once you were out the car he rolled the window down "I'm not pulling away until you're inside" you laughed and mock saluted "Yes sir" and walked into the door, stopping to wave at him before letting it shut behind you.

\------------------------------

No matter how many times you slept at Matt's his alarm clock always managed to startle you. It was louder than yours and spoke the time instead of buzzing or playing music. "Ugh make it go away" you grumbled burying your face in his back. He laughed and reached over hitting the right button to make it be quiet.

"What time do you go in?" He asked leaning back into your touch when you started to trace across some of the more prominent scars on his back. "Later today. Technically me and Alice are off but there's some meetings we have to attend" 

"Aren't you meeting Karen for lunch?" He asked turning in the bed so his chest was now under your fingers instead of his back. You laid your head over on his chest and nodded "Yeah. You've got court don't you?" He closed his eyes before saying "Yeah" "Meaning we need to get up?" You asked closing your eyes too. "Five more minutes?" He suggested so you agreed "Five more minutes"

  
  
  
  



	31. Chapter 31

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Have i mentioned this is going to be a long story? Well I'm saying it now

You weren't sure what worried you more, the fact that it had been radio silence from Frank yet again or the fact that a murder suicide left five dead in little italy in a fashion that matched some of Frank's kills.

Karen had expressed some concern to you but you'd managed to convince her there was no way Frank was involved. You just couldn't seem to convince yourself.

\----------------------

You had finally fell asleep on your couch around three in the morning. The last shift had been hell then once you got home Ms Johnson came to your door around midnight because her granddaughter who was staying with her had accidently sliced her finger open. 

Needlessly to say you were a little pissed when you heard someone knocking at your door and glanced at your phone to see it wasn't even ten. "Someone better be bleeding I swear to Christ" you grumbled staggering to the door. When you opened it you felt your mouth fall open in surprise at the fact that Frank was standing at your door.

You quickly stepped aside to let him. "What are you doing here? You could've called! I would've met you somewhere!" You weren't worried about yourself as much as him taking unnecessary risks. You immediately dropped your line of questioning when you saw the shape he was in. You'd never really seen Frank look rattled. Yeah you'd seen him pissed, in mourning and out for blood but this shook you to your core "Frankie what happened?" 

You took a step towards him but when he stepped back you froze "Someone's coming after me Y/N" "What? Who? How?" You couldn't manage to form an intelligent question considering as far as you knew besides yourself Karen and Curtis were the only ones who knew he was actually alive. Well Matt knew he'd saved his ass against the hand but he didn't know you saw Frank as often as you did and you knew even without the fact that he'd have to reveal himself to be daredevil to tell the truth about Frank, Matt still wouldn't.

"Goes by the name of Micro. Says he's got answers about Schoonover and Kandahar" Frank not meeting your eyes when he spoke was never a good thing. "And what you think I said something?" You were more than hurt at even the suggestion that he may have thought that. He immediately shook his head "No sweetheart. I know better than that. Red ain't let anything slip has he?" You shook your head "No. Not only would that tell his own secret but he wouldn't do that"

"I had to ask" he started to walk past you to leave but you grabbed his arm before he could make it to the door "Hell no. You come here, wake me up, tell me someone's after you then try to leave? No. Frank you're not in this alone. Fucking tell me what happened in Kandahar. What were you into? I need to know so I can help you" he shook his head before finally looking at you "Our group. Y/N we were tasked to some CIA bullshit. What we did...what I did. It wasn't war not like I know it. We were doing interrogation and assassination plain and simple"

You dropped your hand while your mind worked to process what he was telling you "You think Micro knows more of what happened? You think someone's still alive that was involved in the cover up?" He nodded again then dropped his gaze once more "I got a disk to the house. It's a video of one of the interrogations" you tried to work your voice twice before you managed to get out the words "What happened in the video Frank?" "I killed the man we were interrogating. He was a cop over there" your hand flew to your mouth when you connected the dots he'd laid out "Frank don't do this to yourself. No matter what this Micro does or doesn't know you are not the reason Maria and the kids are gone" 

"What if I am?" He nearly whispered. "You're not god dammit" you could be just as stubborn as him. "I already went to see Curt. I'm going to go talk to Karen. See if she can find a lead on this guy..Y/N watch your back. If anyone even suspects I'm still alive.." You knew what he was trying to say. "I'll be careful but you've got to promise me if you need my help you'll accept it" he was still for a moment then nodded "I promise"

He pulled his hat and hoodie back on then before he walked out the door he glanced back at you "I'll call you or get Curt to when I have some idea of where this is headed" "Ok" you replied and watched him walk out.

\----------------------

You figured after Frank left any more sleep was by far out the question so you were dressed for the day and locking your door when your phone rang and you saw it was Karen.

"I'm outside" was her greeting so you replied "and I'm headed down" 

When you walked into the lobby of your building Karen was standing there with two coffee cups and held one out to you "Wanna take a walk?" She asked glancing around at the few people. You nodded and led the way out the door.

\---------------------

"I agree with you Karen. It's unnerving as hell to see Frank so rattled. This Micro guy is supposed to have answers about Kandahar and everything that came after" the two of you were walking next to the river and the slight chill was enough to be more of a comfort than a hindrance. "So there's more to the cover up?" She suggested and you turned to look at her "All three of us always thought it went deeper. That's why you tried to stop him from killing Schoonover. I'm just afraid what if this time it kills him?" 

She reached out and pulled you into her side "I'm worried about him too. Maybe we can get answers on this Micro guy and maybe he's on Frank's side but we both know he isn't going to stop until he knows for certain everyone who had a hand is brought down" "I just want him to have an after. He deserves it" you said and she nodded "Yeah he does...another unrelated question. How did he know I like white roses? He left them so when I find something I can put them in the windowsill as a way to let him know" That made a surprised grin slip onto your face "Maybe I told him?"

\--------------------------

After you and Karen went your separate ways with plans for you to be at the bulletin first thing to help her research Matt called to see if you wanted to grab some dinner with him and Foggy. Marci was out of town visiting her family.

You were trying to keep your attention on the conversation at hand but that was easier said than done. You kept circling back around to what Frank had finally told you about Kandahar. Matt finally leaned over and whispered "Are you ok?" You forced a smile and laid your head over on his shoulder "Guess I'm just tired" 

Foggy looked between the two of you then laughed "Matt man, get Y/N home before she falls asleep on the table!" "Franklin! I don't look that bad do I?" You asked putting just enough of a quiver in your voice his eyes widened "No! I just meant you'd probably rather be alone or alone with Matt than here" "Oh so I'm not a good friend to you then?" You pushed and just before he started actually panicking Matt cracked up laughing "She's messing with you Foggy"

"It's so easy! Your mama raised you right. You can't stand thinking me or Karen is upset with you!" You teased and he shook his head but laughed "Well I'll take the compliment"

\--------------------------

Once Foggy was in a cab Matt grabbed your hand and gave it a gentle squeeze "You want to stay at my place tonight? Or I can walk you home?" 

"I'd love to stay at your place but I've got to meet Karen first thing..that offer stand for tomorrow night?" You asked stepping close enough to let your lips barely brush against his cheek. "That offer stands for tomorrow night" he replied with a smile.

\---------------------

The next morning you had off so you were sitting in Karen's office knee deep in a box of files. "There's nothing here useful" you grumbled kicking the box then flashing an apologetic smile to the intern who she'd just called in to take them back down to storage.

"Y/N I'm getting your id photo taken next week" Ellison said the moment he walked in to see you sitting on the corner of Karen's desk. "Nice to see you too" you replied before Karen asked him about any article that hit on a computer hacker who went by the moniker micro. He glanced back at you so you shot him a smile "There was a story. Someone bought it to me. Supposedly he had a lead on an NSA analyst who was leaking secrets, went by the name Micro"

"And?" You asked hopping off the desk to shut the door. He looked from you to Karen and shrugged "and I decided not to run it" "Why?" You and Karen asked in unison. He scoffed "because I'm an editor. It's what I do, part of the job description actually"

Karen shook her head "No Ellison, don't get sarcastic with me. I know the play. Why" he sighed "Didn't have any evidence. I mean his only source was this guy from Homeland who refused to go on record" he looked from you where you were standing behind him to Karen who was standing across the room before adding "and then special agent in charge of New York Carson Wolf stopped by personally and asked I not pursue it"

"So then the story is true?" Karen stated more than asked. "According to him if we ran the story it would have interfered with his investigation. He was afraid we'd screw up chances of catching everyone involved" "and you agreed to that?" You demanded and once again he simply shrugged "I decided to wait for the bigger story and make a friend of Carson Wolf" "Oh my god Ellison!" Karen exclaimed sitting down and you mirrored her actions sitting on her desk yet again.

Ellison looked from her to you before saying "Look, I'm sure I still have the article in my office. So if I give it to you, will both of you stop looking at me like that?" Karen cut her eyes at you so you nodded "We agree" she told him before standing to follow him to his office.

\-----------------------

You read over the article sitting at Karen's kitchen counter. According to official sources David Lieberman a.k.a. "Micro" had been shot and killed by Homeland. 

"What does this guy have on Frank Y/N?" She asked and you bit your lip as you pushed the article back across her to. "Well for one if Carson Wolf is dirty which lets face it he more than likely is this cover-up is bigger than you or I ever imagined" "and for two?" She asked and you knew she meant why did Frank seem so concerned about what Micro knew on him. "Some things happened in Kandahar. Frank doesn't want anyone else getting hurt because of that. He loves me like a sister. And he cares a lot about you Karen. I.. Its not in my place to tell you but just know he's still just looking for answers and trying to protect those of us he has left"

She nodded and about that time her phone rang. She showed you the blocked number and you knew it was Frank.

\-------------------------

That night you ended up having one of the roughest nights of sleep you'd had since right after Maria and the kids were killed. You knew it was because you were worried about Frank but you very well couldn't tell Matt that. 

_ There was blood everywhere. You could feel it soaking up through the carpet under your feet. You just couldn't see who was hurt. You walked around a corner and realized you were in Frank and Maria's living room and there in the middle of the floor was Maria, Lisa and Frank Jr in puddles of blood. "Ria!" You screamed running to her side but before you could reach her the dream shifted you were now kneeling in the middle of the bulletin with Karen's head in your lap as she took her last labored breath. "This can't be happening..not again"  _

One by one you ended up dreaming of everyone you cared about dying in front of your eyes, from Karen to Alice all the way to Matt and Billy. They all died in front of you and you were helpless to stop it. You ended up waking Matt up around two from the sounds you were making in your sleep. "Y/N..wake up" he gently shook you. You jarred awake and were startled for a moment until you remembered you were in his bed, you were safe. You tried to tell him about the nightmares but started sobbing the moment you opened your mouth so he just pulled you into his chest and held you. "Thank you Matt" you finally managed so he kissed the top of your head "You're welcome Y/N. You're safe here. It's ok"

\------------------------

You knew what the dreams were telling you. Your subconscious was fucking you over because you were helpless to save Maria and the kids and now yet again you felt helpless to assist Frank so when he enlisted Curtis into a game of Cat and Mouse with Micro you wouldn't take no for an answer.

That's how you ended up in Mount Zion cemetery while Curtis delivered Frank's "message" you'd walked up behind Micro who had a gun pointed at Curtis. David, Micro whatever he wanted to be called wasn't a very physically imposing man. He was tall but lanky with a mop of curly brown hair. Poor guy looked like he'd been through the wringer.Your job was to stay in the shadows unless he actually tried to shoot Curt than you'd do what you had to. The whole show was simply to buy Frank enough time to hitch a ride in Micro's trunk and have the element of surprise to find out what he knew considering Carson Wolf was now dead and had said in no uncertain terms that the slaughter of Maria and the kids were very much targeted and went deep.

When Curtis walked away you knew that was your cue so you double backed to his car. When you walked up he opened the passenger side door "How do you think this will play out?" You climbed in then said "Hopefully they play nice but just in case I put a burner phone in the trunk that we can trace in a couple days if we haven't heard nothing"

Curtis started the car and as he pulled away said "We're medics how the hell did we get roped into having a rendezvous at a cemetery with a fricking spook?" You shook your head with a laugh "I have no clue Curt"

  
  
  



	32. Chapter 32

The longer the clock ticked by without you hearing anything from Frank the more worried you got. You knew he could handle himself in pretty much any situation but this whole cover-up, everything that had happened in the last year was so much bigger than you had ever thought possible. With everything Frank had told you about Kandahar and with the S.A.C. for New York being involved you didn't know just who Frank would be going up against or if Micro could be trusted.

You were making the beds in the bunk room, trying to stay busy. Alice walked in behind you and flopped down on her bunk "So what are your plans for tonight or does Matt have you wrapped up?" You laughed and shook your head "We don't have any plans currently why?" She shrugged "Me and Kenz were wondering if maybe you wanted to come out to dinner with us? Matt can come too or Karen" you stopped what you were doing and cut your eyes back at her "Is Kenzie's mom in town? That's normally when you drag me around to be a buffer" she grinned and said "Possibly but she loves you! I swear at times she wishes Kenz was engaged to you instead of me" 

"She does not!" You argued but added "What time and where? I'll check Karen and Matt's schedule to see who'll be easier to drag along with me" she jumped up and pulled you into a hug "I love you! Around seven? I'll text you the address!" She walked out dialing Kenzie's number. You shook your head and went back to finishing making the beds considering you only had two left then inventory of the rig before Ash and Riley would be in to take over.

\-------------------------

You dialed Karen's number as you were walking into your apartment. Matt had already agreed to go with you to dinner, which considering him and Foggy had both known Kenzie since she was in med school and they were in law school was a plus for you and Alice both.

"Hey Y/N!" She greeted and you could almost hear the nervous smile in her voice. "Everything's fine Kare. Breath" you replied sitting your med bag down in the closet and kicking your work boots off. "Thank god. Ok what's up?" You took a breath then said "Wanna get together tomorrow night? We can go out and get a drink or just hang out at one of our apartments" "Sure! Sounds good actually!" She said so you glanced around then said "I'll call you later. I've gotten roped into dinner with Alice's future mother in law so I begged Matt to come too. I've got to find something to wear" "Good luck with that" she laughed then added "If you need me just call" before she said goodbye and hung up.

\--------------------------

You were sitting between Matt and Alice across from Barbara, Kenzie's mom and her step dad Anthony. "Y/N how have you been sweetie?" You managed a smile when you felt both Alice and Matt squeeze your knee closest to them. 

"I'm good. I mean there's days that's still rough but between Alice, Kenzie, Matt and a few other friends I don't really get to far in my own head before one of them pulls me out" Kenzie shot you a smile before Alice said "She's always been there for all of us" Barbara actually smiled then said "I'm glad Kenzie found Alice. They have their own little family here with all of you" 

The rest of dinner was quite pleasant even though Barbara made sure to ask you twice if you were going to be one of Alice's attendants or one of Kenzie's. "I'll just fill in wherever they need me" you answered with a smile. When the check came Anthony ended up paying for everyone even though you and Matt offered to pay your own bill. "Nonsense. It was good to catch up with both of you along with these two" he said nodding back towards Alice and Kenzie. 

\----------------------

When all of you walked out the restaurant Alice and Kenzie were headed to drop Barbara and Anthony back off at their motel so after a round of goodbyes in the parking lot you and Matt watched them drive off before starting to walk towards his place

You had your arm through his and were enjoying the cool night air. "How was your shift?" He asked after a few blocks of silence. You half smiled "We didn't lose anyone so I count that as a damn good shift" he nodded and said "I agree" 

You were starting to do that over thinking thing a lot more recently where Matt was concerned. Mainly the fact that if he wasn't sleeping with you regularly would that open him up to finding something longer lasting? You'd be lying to say you didn't care about Matt, hell you loved him but the love you had for him was the same love you had for Karen,Foggy or Alice. He was your friend and you found comfort in his arms more than one night but more and more you were wondering if maybe you were being selfish and a few startling thoughts about you acting like Billy by continuing to sleep with someone when it was obvious the two of you weren't meant to be together as a couple.

"You're thinking pretty loud over there. I don't need to see your face to know you probably have that little wrinkle between your eyes that pops up when your thoughts get a little too loud" you glanced at him and saw he was turned a little towards you as you walked. You laid your head over on his shoulder with a sigh "Frank's birthday is tomorrow" it was true that you'd been thinking about that even if it wasn't everything you'd been thinking of. "Oh. Do you wanna do something?" You smiled at the offer "Actually Karen has me claimed for tomorrow night" he smiled then and said "Guess that means I should enjoy having you tonight then huh?"

By then you were at his place so you laughed and said "Exactly Mr Murdock"

\-------------------------

Matt had court the next morning so after you got breakfast with him you headed home. You needed to call Curtis and see if he'd heard anything and just to think for a little while. 

When Curtis told you that he hadn't heard anything from Frank you decided to try the tracking app for the burner phone you'd thrown into Micro's trunk but that proved fruitless. You should've known Frank would've spotted it and disabled it to keep you out of things for now at least. You knew he just wanted to protect you, even with Maria gone he felt that was his job as far as you were concerned but dammit you wanted to help him.

\-------------------------

There was nothing you could do but wait. You ended up going to the aquarium and wandering from tank to tank for a couple hours. During the week like this was a bit calmer than when you used to come with Maria and the kids. You still half expected to hear one of their voices calling you to come look at something.

You hadn't noticed the time until your phone started ringing and you saw it was Karen "Your place or mine? I'll get the wine, you grab the takeout" was the first thing out her mouth and that pulled a laugh from you. "Well if wine is involved wanna come to my place? I do have a spare bedroom if you need to crash" she laughed and said "Meet you in an hour" before hanging up.

\---------------------------

Two hours and a bottle of wine later you had Karen laughing while you recounted a story from one of your trips to the cabin with the Castles. "I swear I didn't know there was poison ivy but him and Billy both swore I did it on purpose!" 

She covered her mouth with her hand and you could see tears in the corner of her eyes as she laughed "God it's hard to imagine Frank like that" you nodded, taking another sip of wine "That man's still in there. He just has a wall built up. I see the old Frank at times. When he tells me to be careful, when he talks to you and can't help a little smile peeking out, anytime he says attagirl" 

She sighed and laid her head over on her hand "Do you think it'll ever be over? That he'll finally get enough answers to finish it?" You answered as truthfully as you could "God I hope so for all our sake"

You started to steer the conversation back to lighter things while you flicked through movie options. "We need more wine" Karen said with a pout at her empty glass. You handed the remote over then got up to retrieve the second bottle from your kitchen.

You heard your phone ring but before you could tell Karen to answer it the ringing stopped. "Who was that?" You asked as you walked back into the living room. She glanced at your phone and handed it to you with a shrug "Number isn't saved" any number Frank called from would be blocked so you laid the phone down in front of you "If it's important that's what voicemails are for"

\---------------------------

The following evening you had just gotten home when your phone started ringing. It was a blocked number so you answered it without hesitation "Hello?" "Y/N?" You recognized the voice. It was Mirco. "Where is he?" You could hear the edge in your voice and didn't try to hide it.

"He's fine but look I have proof. I need you to know what's really going on" you took a breath then said "Pick me up then" you knew it was reckless to endanger yourself but this asshole had Frank and they'd been radio silent for days. He told you where to meet him so you hung up.

You didn't think you needed your full med bag so you slipped your first aid kit into your purse and was about to walk out the door but decided to err on the side of caution so you grabbed the gun out of your nightstand and put it in the purse as well.

\--------------------------

You spotted the blue car before it slowed to a stop so you walked to it and climbed in the passenger seat. Micro barely looked your way when you climbed in.

You made it across town before you finally spoke "I know about Sarah, Zach and Leo. I helped Frank track them down. I know why you're trusting him with this but why are you trusting me?" He didn't say anything so at first you thought he'd ignore you until he said "You're his family. You arranged his wife and kids' funeral. You've been around him for most of your adult life. If you believe me after I show you what proof I have he will" "and if I don't believe you?" You asked and he laughed "then you or him one will shoot me since you probably have the gun he bought you in that bag"

\---------------------------

He drove around in a complete circle before pulling into some abandoned complex "Did you kill him?" You finally asked once he climbed back into the car after locking the gate behind you. "No. He's sedated but he's fine" you glared at him and asked "What fucking drugs did you sedate him with?" He nodded at your bag "Nothing as good as you've got believe me"

He pulled into a building and parked so you followed him out and saw Frank laid out on a cot. You started to go to him but Mirco stopped you "See what I have first and listen to what I have to say" your eyes flicked over to Frank's still form twice before you nodded and walked over to the line of computers he sat down in front of.

\------------------------------

The mission from Frank's time in Kandahar was code named Cerberus. As it turned out it was never officially sanctioned, meaning CIA agent "Orange" had made Frank and all the men involved into his personal team of hit men. 

You sat down heavily next to Micro as you re-read over the files he'd bought up. "Smuggling, murder, fucking war crimes. They killed Maria and the kids to cover it up. They tried to kill you" he nodded and was watching you closely when he asked "What will Frank say?" You ran a hand across your face then stood up "One way to find out"

You walked over when Frank was still unconscious on the cot. You knew better than to simply shake him from years of sharing a bed with Billy so you stepped far enough away and leaned over to tap him. When he jerked awake you moved back quickly. You could tell the sedation was still working out his system so you moved forward to help him sit up "Y/N what are you doing here?" He asked when his eyes finally focused "Micro wanted to make sure you didn't shoot him and figured I was the safest bet"

\---------------------------

A few minutes later Frank was absorbing the information Micro had told you. You stood back leaning against a wall, drinking the cup of coffee Micro had offered Frank. 

Both men were quiet until Frank looked at him "One condition. They all die, no trials" Micro cut his eyes at you apparently trying to gauge your reaction and when you didn't blink he said "Yeah I can live with that" Frank nodded then pointed at you "and you stay away unless we call to let you know it's safe. Don't fucking argue if I'm doing this I need to know you're out of it" "Ok" you agreed because hell what other option did you have? At least he wasn't counting you out completely this time.

\----------------------

A part of you was tempted to ask Micro to run the number that had called you on Frank's birthday simply because you were curious that no message had been left. You simply chalked it up to a wrong number realized too late.

You knew Frank had him trying to track down a shipment of guns that were coming in to the greeks. Did it worry you knowing that? Yes of course but it also made you worry slightly less because you at least knew some of what Frank was up to even if it meant Micro calling you to bitch or to try to get you on his side in an argument.

The most recent call from Micro had been him asking if he should worry about Frank having Sarah's number and being around his kids. "Frank was an amazing dad. He'd never let anything happen to them on his clock" was what you'd told him and that seemed to pacifier him slightly. 

\-------------------------------

You were walking into a store when your phone started ringing and you saw it was Curtis. "Hey Curt. What's up?" You greeted walking down an aisle, trying to find the specific type of cereal Ms Johnson had asked if you could pick up on your run. "You know Lewis right?" You paused then said "Yeah the kid from your group. He's a bit messed up from being over there and won't accept the help he needs" 

You grabbed a box of the cereal then headed for checkout after grabbing yourself a drink. "Yeah he's trying to apply to Anvil" "Oh Curt you can't let that go down. He needs help not to be thrown back into another war zone. He's not capable of having those men and women's backs" you replied before he even had a further chance to elaborate. He let out a huff of air then said "Yeah that's what I thought too, just wanted a second opinion" "Anytime Curt" the two of you said goodbye right before it was your turn at the register.

\-------------------------

After you dropped the cereal off with Ms Johnson you headed up to your apartment to grab a shower. You were supposed to meet Karen when she got off so you focused on that instead of the thousand other things running through your head at the moment.

\-------------------------

"Karen I really don't know what to do here" you confessed sitting across the table from her. Frank was of course not a subject that could be talked about in public so instead you had bought up the conflict you were feeling where Matt was concerned. "You two have been really honest with each other from the start of this thing. I think if you just tell him how you're feeling he'll understand" she was trying to reassure you but you still weren't sure. 

"What if I'm just projecting the way I felt towards Billy onto myself? What if Matt decides that if I say I want to drop the intimate aspect of our relationship he doesn't want me in his life anymore? I love him as much as I love Alice, Kenzie and you but I don't think I could ever love him in the way he loved Elektra or I loved Billy. I just don't want to lose him either though" you felt a bit foolish but also relieved getting the thoughts out in the open. She shrugged "Give yourself a little more time to truly think over what you want but if you still feel the same Matt is not going to remove you from his life. He cares about you too much. I'm proof he really can be friends with someone he's dated"

You nodded and about that time the waitress came over with the menus. "Now let's decide what to eat because I need to tell you what Ellison did" she said with a grin that told you a laugh was coming at his expense.

\---------------------------

You were still thinking about Matt the next morning. Frank had contacted you just so you knew Micro had found the shipment and that he was going after it that night. You were glad he was holding onto his end of the deal to keep you enough in the loop that at the very least you could make sure to be far enough away from anything to have plausible deniability.

You decided to meet him for coffee before he went into court since by the time he'd be getting out you'd be headed into work.

You walked in the diner and smiled when you saw him sitting in the corner booth the two of you usually grabbed. You sat across from him and he smiled "Hey" "Hey yourself" you replied letting your hand brush gently against his. You enjoyed spending time with him, the sex was amazing, he was everything you should have wanted but you couldn't give him the pieces of your heart that had been shattered and you felt like you were holding him back from finding someone who could be in love with him not just love him.

You hadn't realized how long you'd been sitting there without saying anything until Kaitlyn sat a cup of coffee in front of you. You stirred from your thoughts and moved to add sugar. You could tell Matt knew something was off. After Kaitlyn walked off he reached across for your hand again. You let him grab it and smiled at how gentle he was with you "Y/N are you ok?" You nodded then thought about it so you said "Yeah Matt I..I'm just a little tired" the little frown that slipped onto his face told you he'd picked up on that lie so you quickly said "Can we get together later this week? I work back to back the next two days but then I'll have a free night" "Of course" he replied with a small smile before pulling his hand away from you to drink his own coffee.

By the time the two of you were ready to go both of you were smiling. You kissed him on the cheek and said "Kick their assess in court today" he kissed your forehead in return and said "Go save some lives"

\---------------------

You were laid back across your bunk half asleep when a call came in for a one vehicle accident near pier nine. 

You felt a jolt go through you when you remembered Frank saying that's where the hijack was going down. "Shit" you muttered under your breath as you and Alice ran out to the bay. She cut her eyes at you but didn't say a word.

\----------------------

You weren't sure what you were expecting when you rolled on scene but finding a Homeland agent near a totaled mustang wasn't near the top of the list.

You were on your knees next to her checking her over for other injuries while Alice secured a neckbrace and the two of you strapped her onto a gurney. "What'd you say her name was?" You asked the agent who'd met the rig. He'd introduced himself as Sam Stein. "Dinah..Madani"

You nodded and leaned back across her "Agent Madani. I'm Y/N. This is my partner Alice. Do you remember what happened" she blinked against the light you were checking her eyes with and that was a good sign. "I flipped my car" she mumbled and you nodded "Ok. We're gonna take you to the hospital to get you checked over. From what I can see the concussion is the biggest worry but you could have internal damage. Your ribs don't appear to be broken but you'll need some xrays to rule it out completely"

"Ok" she said weakly so you looked back to Sam "You following us Agent Stein?" He looked around then said "Um yeah I guess so" you helped Alice load her up then shut the door and looked back at him "Homeland or not don't tailgate me" 

\-----------------------------

The following morning as soon as you got home your phone started ringing the moment you stepped in the door. "Did Micro tap into my buildings security cameras?" You asked and heard Frank chuckle "Possibly. How's agent Madani?" "She'll live. Did you have a hand in that?" "Possibly" you shook your head then asked "Was she conscious when you pulled her out?"

You took his silence as answer enough and simply said "We'll deal with those consequences later then..did you get what you went after?" "Yeah look sweetheart.. She's probably going to start questioning people once she's back on her feet...Zubair was her partner"

You closed your eyes and fought the urge to scream. Why the fuck did he always have to bury the lead? After taking a deep breath you said "Fuck it, all she can do is ask questions. She has no proof. Who will she question? Me, Curt and Karen. None of us are saying shit. Don't worry about me. I can handle her" "Oh I know you can" he replied then told you where Micro would meet you later to bring you to their hideout and what medical supplies he may need just to have on hand.

"See you then" you said then hung up. Fuck every time you thought you were ready for what came next a curveball would smack you right upside the head.

  
  
  
  
  



	33. Chapter 33

Waking up knowing on one side you had Frank and Micro digging for the truth of what happened because of Kandahar and on the other side you had Madani digging in Cerberus and probably knowing Frank was still alive felt a bit surreal. 

When you walked into the station house that day you honestly felt like a person living two lives. You had your daytime life which was working on the ambulance, spending time with your friends then you had your nighttime life which was everything from delivering groceries to Micros "batcave" to keeping your phone next to your bed in case Frank ran into trouble and needed patching.

You had been dodging staying at Matt's because while one half of your heart felt it was right to tell him how you were feeling there was a small part of you that feared that hole you'd fallen into before. You had all but decided to face the talk that was coming but you needed to see what shoe was going to drop next as far as Homeland now being involved.

\------------------------

You still had a couple hours before you got off when Karen called you. You were sitting out in the bays watching some of the guys clean their equipment, normally you'd offer to help but Jason has dubbed it a learning experience for the rookies.

You stood and walked outside before answering "Hey Karen" instead of saying hello or any form of a greeting she said "Are you around anyone else?" You glanced around to make sure before saying "Nope just me. I'm out front of the station house" you could feel your stomach twisting the longer it took her to talk "Do you know an agent Madani by any chance?" "Shit" slipped through your lips without much thought. She scoffed "Yeah that's what I figured. She called me in today. We had an interesting little chat. I think she knows. She admitted Wolf was dirty and asked me if I knew about Frank's time in Kandahar" 

You rubbed at your eyes and the growing headache for a moment before finally asking "Did she say anything else?" "She asked if Frank had anything close to family left. Y/N it's public record you arranged Maria and the kids' funeral and if she digs a little she can get the legal guardianship papers from when Maria's parents took you in. Won't be much to figure out you were close with Frank" you nodded then said "Don't worry about me. I can handle her..um contact him. Tell him what went down. I'll be home in a few hours if you want to come by. Just be careful Karen please. We don't know how deep this is" "Yeah. You be careful too" she warned before hanging up.

You stood there for a moment to try to get your emotions in check before walking back inside. While Alice may not know everything that you were dealing with she knew you well enough to spot when you were hiding something.

\----------------------

You were more tired emotionally than physically by the time you made it home. It didn't help matters that before you could get your apartment unlocked your phone was ringing from a blocked number "Hello?" You answered despite knowing it was one of two people. "Will you tell me how Karen Page fits into all this?" "Hi to you too David and no I won't tell you how she fits into anything" 

He sort of laughed then said "Well can you tell me why Madani is looking into you?" "Because she's probably planning on questioning me next i would if I was her" you replied and he went silent before saying "Jesus you're as much a pain in the ass as he is" "back at ya. Is there a reason you called or just to annoy me since he's currently not in?" You wanted to get a hot shower before anything else may pop up and in your life that could be any given moment. "Yeah he knows who recorded the video" you cursed under your breath before saying "and now's the time you tell me because I wasn't there" "oh yeah sorry um Gunner. Said you'd recognize the name" you thought for a moment before remembering Billy talking about a guy on Frank's team by that name "Yeah Bible guy from Kentucky, big ol country dude. You two thinking he may know more?" "We're hoping" 

You knew Frank would never agree for you to go along so you said "I'll round up a med kit. Just in case something goes south you'll have it on hand" "Ok. We're supposed to leave tomorrow night" "You're going after the Madani cluster fuck?" You didn't mean to sound so annoyed but why was Frank letting him go? "Yeah. I mean do you want him going all the way to Kentucky with no one there?" You thought about it and while Micro wasn't much help if a fight arose he was capable of keeping himself alive and hidden for over a year. "I'll come by around seven so tell him don't shoot" "Will do" he said then hung up. 

\--------------------------

You just stepped out the shower and pulled a pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt on when you heard someone knocking at your door. You stopped and glanced back towards your room debating on whether you should answer the door empty handed but then you heard Karen's voice "Y/N it's me" 

You crossed the living room quickly and opened the door. She brushed in past you so you shut the door and turned to face her, wondering what was wrong then saw the tears in her eyes.

You'd never been more certain of the fact that no matter what you had to risk to help him, Frank deserved an after than when you comforted Karen while she cried from just how deeply the pain he felt daily ran. "He doesn't want us in it any more than necessary because him losing anyone else he loves, I don't think he can handle it Kare" you told her while the two of you sat curled up next to each other on your couch. "Did he ever stop to think we can't handle losing him either?" She asked quietly and for that you really didn't have an answer.

\--------------------------

You checked the time when you slipped between the fence leading to Micros hideout. It was six thirty so you were a little early but you had managed to skip out on a meeting earlier than you thought.

You opened the door and whistled as you crossed the threshold. It was a tune Maria had a habit of humming while doing laundry and other chores around the house so you knew Frank would recognize it. He stepped around the corner and nodded when he saw it was you "Hey sweetheart"

You held up the bag you'd carried with you. "I don't just come to see you off. I come bearing supplies. Where's Micro? I need to run down what all is here in case Gunner isn't too welcoming" he rolled his eyes at the mention of his newly attained partner "C'mon"

You followed him into the computer area. He tapped the back of Micros head who smiled when he saw you "Finally a friendly face or well friendly than his anyways" Frank walked over to the van to continue loading it but you heard him scoff "You've never seen her pissed off"

You grinned at Frank then turned to Micro to give a once over of what you'd bought. "There's gauze, a suture kit,some lower grade pain meds that they won't really notice missing from the rig and an iv kit along with a few bags of fluid and some intravenous antibiotics" Micro leaned around you to look at Frank "How long has she been patching you up?" Frank glanced up and shrugged one shoulder "Pretty much since I married Maria"

\------------------------

Before you left you hugged Frank and said "Make it back in one piece" he nearly smiled "Yeah don't worry about me. Watch your back and keep an eye on Karen" "Of course"

You were almost to the door when you heard Frank call your name so you stopped and turned around "If you don't hear anything from me by Sunday night can you go to David's house? Let Leo and Sarah know I didn't forget them just something came up?" You nodded "Of course but who am I again?" "Pete Castiglione's adopted sister" you shook your head but agreed nonetheless "Try to be back before then" you said before stepping out the door.

\---------------------------

You hated not knowing worse than anything on earth. It reminded you too much of those days right after everything happened. You felt lost yet again and worse than that was the sense of helplessness.Luckily you had work to keep your mind busy.

Sunday you were getting off from work talking to Alice when it occurred to you what you'd promised Frank. "Shit. What time is it?" You asked and when she said the time you cursed again "Something wrong?" She asked and you shook your head then moved to hail a cab "No I just promised I'd be somewhere"

\----------------------

When the cab stopped in front of the Lieberman residence you grabbed your med bag and paid the driver before walking up to the door. After you knocked you were thinking over what to say. You knew what they all looked like from Micro's cameras so when Sarah answered she looked a bit thrown and poor Leo was standing behind her obviously disappointed. You smiled and offered your hand to Sarah "Hi I'm Y/N.. Castiglione. My brother Pete asked me to stop by earlier today but as you can see I just got off work" 

Sarah shook your hand but still looked a little confused so you added "I'm his adopted sister. He just wanted you and the kids to know he didn't forget. Something came up last minute and he had to go out of town and entrusted the message being delivered to me which was obviously a bad idea" you said with a small laugh. Once Sarah stopped shaking your hand you smiled and turned to leave but Leo spoke up "Mom cooked. Since Pete's not here, you wanna stay?" You glanced at Sarah who smiled "It'd be nice to have some company. We cooked for a Castiglione might as well feed one even if it's not the same one"

You followed them inside and set your bag down just inside the door. 

\------------------------------

It had been so long since you were in an environment with kids it seemed almost foreign. You had to bite your tongue when a slip up almost resulted in you calling Leo Lisa. After a few minutes even Zach peeked down the stairs long enough to get introduced. When he stormed off and they apologized for him you waved your hand "No need. He's been through a lot"

After helping Sarah clean up you said you had to get going. Leo walked you to the door and asked if you could come with Frank or well Pete next time he came over. "If it's ok with your mom. I'll try to" you told her with a smile and Sarah nodded "Oh of course"

\---------------------------

After the brief reprieve of your nerves which was having dinner with the Liebermans you found a thousand bad scenarios running through your head yet again.

You started to head home but when you climbed into the cab you found yourself hitting Matt's number on your phone. He answered on the third ring "Hey Y/N" you smiled hearing his voice "Can I come over?" "Of course" he replied so you told the driver where you were headed then told him goodbye.

Yeah you needed to clear things up with Matt but just for tonight you didn't want to be alone.

\----------------------------

You woke up the next morning wrapped up in the sheets with Matt's warm body pressed against yours and felt a wave of guilt wash over you as flashes of the night before played through your head. Were you any better than Billy? You were using Matt to not be lonely. He deserved better than that. 

You felt him stirring behind you right before you felt his lips brush against your neck "Good morning" you let your eyes close at how it felt. God you wanted to be capable of falling in love with him. He was a good man, he was always honest with you (even if he hadn't always been with Karen) plus the man was talented in the bedroom but you knew this conversation had to happen. You just wished you weren't naked.

You rolled over to be face to face with him and let your fingers trace over the scars on his chest and stomach "Matt, there's a reason I haven't been coming over" his eyes were closed and for a second you thought he'd fell back asleep until he smiled "I know. You think that if I wasn't sleeping with you I could find someone to be in a relationship with. You love me and want me in your life but you're not in love with me and doubt you'll ever be and while you don't want to feel like you're using me to keep loneliness at bay you also don't want to lose me completely?" You pulled back and stared at him in silence "How the hell did you know all that?"

He opened one eye then pulled you into his chest before confessing "That's how I've been feeling too" his fingers started tracing patterns on your back so you laid there contently "I do love you Matt and I want you in my life" he kissed your forehead and said "Good because I love you and want you in my life but we both know this between us isn't built for long term so how about we call last night a goodbye on that chapter of our relationship and call this morning a hello on the new one?" You smiled and kissed the side of his neck "Can we have sex one more time?" He laughed and bit his bottom lip then shrugged "Sex one last time then we'll go get breakfast before I have court"

\-----------------------------

You were glad of how the intimate aspect of your relationship with Matt came to an end. You both had love for each other and would be there for each other no matter what but you had both agreed it was time to call it. Who knew maybe when all this was over with Frank and when Matt was finally level with his balance of work and vigilante life the two of you may try again but for now you still had each other in every way but sexual.

\---------------------------

You were still worried about Frank the rest of the day and barely slept that night. Your phone started ringing around two in the morning. You fumbled blindly on the nightstand before finding it "Hello?" You realized you hadn't looked at the caller id but Curtis' voice you'd know anywhere "Grab your bag. I'm pulling up outside. Frank's hurt bad"

You were out the bed and pulling jeans on before he hung up good.

\--------------------------

You were out the car before Micro had time to park it. You could hear Curtis calling your name but you needed to see how Frank was. You knelt down next to the cot and cursed under your breath "Fuck, he's burning up Curt!" 

Curtis had walked up behind you by then. "C'mon, help us get him to the table" you nodded and stood moving to grab Frank's feet while Curtis and Micro grabbed an arm each.

\--------------------------

Once you got him moved Curtis passed you a blood pressure cuff then moved to examine the wounds and get a temp after you both had gloved up and found some alcohol to sterilize the area as best as you could. You cursed under your breath "ninety over sixty" Curtis held up the thermometer while Micro asked if Frank needed blood and offered since he was apparently a universal donor. 

"Bloods not the issue. His temps one hundred and four. He's septic" Curt explained while you and him moved around his med bag gathering what you needed out. "I've been giving him fluids and antibiotics" Micro waved his hand towards the bag still flowing into Frank's arm. "None of that is gonna do any good until that arrow is out of him. It's a foreign object, filled with bacteria" 

Curtis nodded in agreement and added "The body's trying to fight it but can't so white blood cells, fever, systemic inflammation. Antibiotics are fighting a losing battle" Micro looked between you both then his eyes somehow got even bigger than they already were. "You're gonna pull it out?"

You shook your head and said "No. Pulling it out would cause more damage than when it went in" his eyes were on the scalpel in Curtis' hand so you asked "You good?" "Yeah" he replied but looked a little pale. Curtis cut his eyes up at him and said "good cause you gotta help her hold him man"

You rolled Frank over supporting most of his upper body against your chest. Micro was staring at Curtis as he sliced into Frank's shoulder "Stay with us David. Don't lose your shit!" You warned and when he didn't reply Curtis reiterated "Say it!" Micro finally nodded "I won't lose my shit. I'm good"

"Y/N let him take the weight. I need your help" you glanced at Micro to make sure he had Frank steady before you moved to grab a clamp to pass it to Curtis. You watched as he pulled the arrow out of Frank. You moved to pour alcohol into the hole and wiped it with gauze so Curtis could staple it shut.

Once you were back around the table Curtis nodded to roll Frank back onto the table. "We done?" Micro asked. You saw Curtis was heating scissors so you replied "Yup. Soon as we cauterized the wound" 

Micro was a bit green when you looked up from bandaging the entry wound. You'd heard Curtis pass him the bottle and when he realized you were both staring at him he chuckled "Now are we done? You want some coffee?" He turned around to mess with the maker and you shared a look with Curtis then nodded so he asked "Why'd you have to go after him?" 

Micro turned around and wouldn't meet neither of your eyes before saying "Henderson had some information we needed" you slapped both hands down on the table and saw him flinch "He's talking about Frank! Look at the shape he's in!" Curtis put a hand on top of yours to help you calm down then stepped between you and Micro "This is all your fault man. Do you think any of this is gonna make a difference?"

Micro slowly met Curtis' eyes before he said "Look I have to believe that" Curtis shook his head "Yeah for you. What about him? And those of us still living that don't want to lose him too?"

\-----------------------

You and Curtis both had work so you left Micro with detailed instructions on what meds Frank needed to be given and when. "Call if you need me. I'll come by after shift if not" Micro nodded so you took one last look at Frank before following Curtis out. 

\-----------------------

You were doing inventory of your rig during down time when you heard Jason call your name. You glanced up at Alice who shrugged so you handed her the clipboard and climbed out to find Jason standing next to none other than Agent Madani. Uninjured and standing up she was around your height, brown hair and darker brown eyes that watched everything around her. All in all she was a beautiful woman and the way she held herself commanded some sort of authority.

"Captain?" You addressed Jason and he motioned to Madani "Agent Madani here needs to talk to you" you turned your attention to Madani "What's this about?" She looked at Jason then around at the firemen that were in the break area of the bays "Is there somewhere we can talk in private?" 

You checked your watch and shrugged "I still have hours on shift" Jason spoke up and said "Go ahead. If a call comes in before you get back Jessie can go with Alice" you knew from the look he gave you there would be a lot of questions waiting but you couldn't worry about that now.

You glanced at Madani "Let me grab my jacket out my locker" she stepped back and smiled "take your time" You kept an eye on her all the way inside then pulled out your phone to send a quick message to Micro "Madani is here. Wants to question me. I'll come by tonight."

You slid your phone back into your pocket and grabbed your jacket then headed back into the bay where Madani was talking on the phone to someone but told them she had to get going when she spotted you. She gave you that fake smile that you knew from personal experience came from working with the public in any way. "Lead the way Ms Y/L/N" 

You walked out the bay and heard her fall in step beside you so you glanced towards her and said "Just call me Y/N. I did respond to your wreck and plus it makes this seem more like a conversation than a interrogation" this time a more genuine looking smile slipped onto her face "Y/N this is just a conversation. I'm grateful for your station's fast response. You don't have to talk to me. I'm simply asking a couple questions and please call me Dinah" 

\---------------------

When you made it to the diner you walked in first and greeted Kaitlyn. She glanced at the time "Aren't you early?" You motioned at Dinah "Had a meeting pop up" you could see the shock on her face when she spotted Dinah's badge.

You went to the booth you always sat at and waited patiently while Dinah slid in across from you. Kaitlyn sat two cups of coffee down then walked away. A silence fell while both of you fixed your coffee to taste then you made a go ahead motion with your hand because the faster you got her talking the faster you could be done with this and get back to work then to Frank and Micro plus you were planning to stop by Curts meeting if anyway possible.

"How do you know Frank Castle?" You didn't try to stop the laugh from falling from your lips. Blame it on nerves or just weariness. A part of you found all of this nearly comical. Frank had killed people yes but every bullet he'd fired on American soil was well deserved.

She raised an eyebrow at your reaction so you took a sip of coffee then said "I apologize Dinah but it's public record how I knew Frank. I was basically his sister in law. I knew him most of my adult life and loved him like a brother. Losing his family killed a part of him long before that explosion at the dock finished the job" 

She watched you and you knew she was looking for any slip up that could indicate the extent of what you knew but she failed to realize you'd been schooling your features for so long you were worried at times about just how well of a liar you'd become. 

"Do you know anything about Cerberus?" That almost threw you off even knowing that apparently Frank had killed her partner in the midst of that mission but you recovered before she noticed "Three headed dog that guards the underworld? I mean I'm a little rusty on my greek mythology"

She gave a humorless laugh then laid her hands flat on the table between you two then leaned in close to you. Her voice dropped to barely above a whisper "I know Castle is alive. He pulled me out my car. I know all about Kandahar but I need him to tie it together. I can help him and I think you can lead me to him." you didn't try to feign surprise or shock at her words instead choosing to say "If I see his ghost on the next full moon I'll be sure to send him your way Dinah" then pulled enough cash out to cover both of your coffees and laid it on the table. 

When you stood up you let your eyes skim over her before saying "Whatever happened over there goes so much deeper than what you think. Frank was left hanging out to dry by the very government he fought for" then walked out without looking back at her.

\----------------------

It wasn't until you were walking back to the station house that you let out a breath you hadn't realized you'd been holding. You and Karen had ended up doing exactly what Frank was worried about without even meaning to. You both had drawn attention because of your connection to him. If Dinah was digging at this pace, what the hell was going to happen next? Not to mention if "Agent Orange" was as high ranking CIA as Micro said he had to be how long until he knew Frank was still alive and put a plan in motion to finish what was started that day at the carousel?

You took a few deep breaths to get your emotions halfway in check before walking into the bays. You had to make it a couple more hours then you could figure out what to do next. 

  
  
  
  



	34. Chapter 34

Your mind was running in a thousand different directions as you slipped into the fence running around Micro's hideout. The walk there after getting dropped off by a cab blocks away had been stressful to say the least, the constant worry that you would lead someone back to Frank inadvertently.

You moved the bags of groceries over to one hand so you could open the door. When you stepped inside you whistled the same tune again just in case Micro had failed to mention to Frank that you were on the way.

\-----------------------

When you walked in Frank was sitting up on the side of his cot and Micro was changing the bandages. They both looked up so you waved a hand in their direction "Hold up. Let me take a look at that, you come put your food away" Micro nodded and walked pass you into the kitchen area.

You used the sanitizer that was sitting near by then sat down next to Frank. He didn't flinch as your hands moved across the wound on his shoulder. "It's healing good Frankie" you said with a nod before digging into the first aid kit to find what you would need to rebandage him.

You were almost done when the radio next to the wall of computers crackled to life. You didn't pay too much mind until you heard "Blackbird to Raven. Come in Raven" no it couldn't be. You'd only heard those call signs in passing stories but one look at Frank told you he'd caught the voice as well. "Where's that coming from?" He asked Micro so you hurried to finish. 

Micro walked over to the radio and moved a few dials around "It's a recording, repeating across all frequencies" he stopped on one channel and the voice was clear as day "Blackbird calling bower team" it was Billy.

"I've been monitoring the radio just in case I caught something about.." Micro went to explain but trailed off when he realized you and Frank were having a silent conversation. You both knew that voice, the question was why was he sending that call out? 

"Do you two know what this is?" He asked. "Yeah" you replied and Frank added "I'm Raven"

You could feel your heart leap into your throat every time Billy's voice came across the radio "You out there Frankie?" Fuck how did he know? 

"Who is that?" Micro demanded as you stood up and Frank buttoned his shirt up then stood up next to you. "It's Billy Russo. We served together and he's Y/N's ex. He's a friend" Frank explained and you nodded. "Does he know you're alive?" Micro questioned.

Frank cut his eyes at you and it wasn't accusatory, more just asking so you shook your head. "Nah. I don't think so" Micro pointed back towards the radio and you couldn't really blame him for being a bit rattled because you were "That sounds like he does. Do we need to worry?"

Before you could say anything Frank snapped back "I just told you he's my friend. Didn't I say that?" Micro looked at you so you lowered your gaze, you weren't up for questioning at the moment so he turned to Frank "What kind of friend?" "The life or death kind. That's what kind"

Micro scoffed "That's all I get? C'mon! This is a serious development here. All right, some guy I've never heard of all of a sudden is broadcasting your name all over the radio" "What did I just say?" Frank nearly growled so you slid between the two of them "Frank why is he calling you now?" He met your eyes and slowly shrugged "I don't know" you took a deep breath and ran your hand across your face "Jesus Christ. Ok, I bought food. It's not gourmet but I know for a fact Frank's had worse. You two eat. We'll figure this out but for now both of you get back to your damn corners"

Frank looked over your head at Micro "we better listen to the boss lady" you half smiled at the memories of calling Maria that. "Yeah you better. Look I have got to make a meeting at the station house. It's about new protocols but I will be right back here soon afterwards. Frank don't make no moves until I'm here and I am asking you please just wait ok?" He nodded "Yes ma'am" you actually smiled then and leaned up to kiss him on the cheek "Thank you" you patted Micro's shoulder on your way by then grabbed your bag and headed for the door.

\-------------------------

You were barely able to pay attention during the meeting and as p.i.c. you knew better. Once again you were grateful for Alice because she took notes on the high points and didn't mind kicking your shin if need be.

When Chief Michelson called a dismissal you tried to make it out before she caught you but knew that was hopeless. You just hit the outside air when you felt her hand wrap around your arm "Woah there partner. What's up in that pretty little head of yours?" She asked slipping the notes she'd taken into the top of your bag. You forced a smile "Just over thinking. You know my specialty" she studied you for a moment then nodded "If you need me or Kenzie for anything you know you can just call right?" "Of course. I don't want to worry you. It's nothing like after that, I promise"

She pulled you into a hug then you heard a honk followed by Kenzie's voice "Y/N we agreed you would run off with me!" The two of you pulled apart with a laugh. "I love you too Kenzie" Alice squeezed you once more then headed for the car. You waved as they pulled out into traffic then turned to start walking up the block. You needed to run by your apartment and considered going to Curtis' meeting on the way to Frank but as if your thoughts had conjured the man himself your phone started ringing "Hey Curt!" You greeted.

He let out a breath then said "Can I run down a situation for you and see if I did the right thing?" You laughed humorlessly "Shit Hoyle if I'm your moral compass you're already fucked but do feel free to go on" 

He gave you a run down of Lewis being arrested because he was hanging out with O'Connor who as it turned out was as big of a slimeball as you originally thought. He never actually saw combat, all the bullshit stories he told were just that. "Curt this may be one case you can't solve honey. I mean he's gonna mess up that kid worse than he already was. I don't want to sound cold but I'd rather see Lewis dead than you hurt because he's not stable and unwilling to admit it" "I know, I know" he replied then said he had to go. "I'll talk to you later"

\-------------------------

You were a few blocks from Micro's hideout when your phone started ringing. You paused to dig it out your pocket and froze at the number. It wasn't saved but seemed vaguely familiar. You shrugged then answered it with a quick "Hello?" "Y/N. Don't hang up on me. This is important" your heart was once again pounding in your throat because this time instead of over the radio Billy's voice was coming over the other end of your phone.

"You've got five minutes Billy" you heard him chuckle and was tempted to hang up the phone before the achingly familiar sound could wrap around you like it always did in the past. "So if I ask to meet face to face you'll probably tell me to burn in hell?" He asked and you snarked "Well give the man a prize" "Ok then I'll cut to the chase. Have you seen him?" "Who? Matt, Foggy, Curt, any of the guys I work with? You got to narrow it down"

"Your sister's husband" his accent was thicker than it usually was so you knew you'd hit a nerve. You swallowed twice before finding your own voice again "Billy. Have you gotten any serious blows to the head? He's dead remember? Big boom at the docks? I was there" "Y/N please if you know anything tell me" he pleaded. "Billy, hang up with me and call Kenzie. You need professional help. I miss him too but he's gone" you ended the call and tried to ignore how your hands shook as you slid the phone back into your pocket and decided to double back the long way around to the hideout just in case, not because Frank would see how rattled you were.

\---------------------------

When you walked into the hideout you froze when you spotted Curtis' car parked right near the door. Fuck if Billy had called you he probably went to Curtis first.

You walked in about the time Curtis said "I lied for you again" "I don't mind lying to him" you announced and all three men turned to look at you as you walked into the kitchen. 

Frank looked between you and Curtis "Guess he came to you too?" You shook your head "He called me" "You both did the right thing by telling him I'm dead" you heard the radio crackle to life followed by Billy's voice "Every hour on the hour. This guy's determined" Micro said from his corner of the kitchen. 

Curtis stood between you and Frank and looked you both over before saying "He said he wanted to help you, that he could. Whatever he's offering if you ask me you should take it" Frank shook his head "Less people know I'm alive, safer it is for them" Curtis cut his eyes at you for support but you'd never been one to interfere in the two of them.

He turned his eyes back to Frank "What about you? You don't look too safe. You look like a guy that nearly got his ass killed and for what?" "If I could say something?" Micro suggested so you spun around to face him "You don't get an opinion in their conversation" he held up his hands defensively.

Curtis gave you a small nod then asked Frank "So do we just keep lying?" Frank looked towards you then said "Look Curt, both of you do what you think is right. I've never asked you to do anything else" Curtis shook his head "Y/N, you try your luck with it" then he walked out.

Frank knew what had went down with you and Billy after the kids and Maria. It'd come up one late night. You now knew about the k.i.a's being used to smuggle drugs back to the u.s. You didn't want any lies between you and Frank. 

Micro asked him "Do you trust this guy?" "Yeah I do" he replied so Micro nodded "Then you should talk to him" "and I'll go with you" you added without much thought. "You sure?" Frank asked so you nodded. "Ok. I'll schedule a meet"

\-------------------------

Your stomach was in knots as you followed Frank across the open area where he told Billy to meet him. You could feel your gun at your lower back. When Frank had insisted you carry it you looked at him like he had lost his mind. Billy wasn't a threat or you didn't want to think of him as one but Frank was right that there was always the possibility of someone using him to get Frank out in the open and if worse came to worse he had at least wanted to insure you had means to protect yourself. 

You dropped back behind Frank a couple steps when you spotted Billy sitting at a table near the falafel truck. He still looked as good as always. The leather jacket he was wearing was one you'd always loved on him. His dark eyes seemed almost black whenever he wore it.

Frank looked over his shoulder at you so you picked up your pace about the time Billy lifted his head. You froze the moment he spotted you behind Frank because although he was talking to Frank when he said "Back from the dead" his eyes never left your face. You met his gaze refusing to shy away and give him the satisfaction. You were here for Frank not him.

You stood back when him and Frank hugged then he glanced at you "Y/N. You look good" you scoffed and said "Fishing for a compliment Billy?" He gave you that smile that used to make you weak in the knees but now just hurt your heart "Always" Frank looked between the two of you and you knew he could feel the tension in the air. You were grateful when he cleared his throat and that got Billy's attention back on him. 

"Want a beer?" Frank glanced back at you then nodded "Hells yeah" you walked with them to the table being sure to sit on the side closest to Frank. You could get through this for his sake.

You huddled further into your jacket waiting for one of them to start talking. Billy broke the silence first "How come you never reached out?" Frank shrugged "Less people knew I was alive the better it was for them" "Y/N knew" only Billy could make a simple statement sound so accusing.

You felt yourself bristle slightly "He needed someone to patch him up. I was willing and actually still around instead of my head being shoved up my own CEO ass. I worry about being outside of myself" 

Billy's eyes widened at your words just slightly before he continued "Well one of those few that knows Frankie's alive works for Homeland" "Yeah agent Madani. We know. She showed up at the damn station house" you bit back and saw what looked like almost anger flash through his eyes before he pushed it down and Frank reached out to touch your leg that simple movement his way of telling you to tone it down.

You grabbed Frank's beer and took a swig when he asked Billy how he knew Madani. "Through my company. We did some training for her agents. Me and her got to talking" your eyes flew up at his words even before Frank let out a dry laugh "So what you and her just get to talking?" 

Billy's eyes fluttered towards you before he grinned and said "Yea something like that" you simply shook your head and finished the beer. Well at least maybe he deemed Dinah material to be on his arm since you'd never been. "You never change do ya Bill?" Frank asked it with that brotherly tone the two always had and without thinking you said "He never could" 

"How's Murdock?" Billy asked turning his eyes to you once again ignoring Frank's presence. You shrugged "At least he doesn't mind me being on his arm. See he cares about me outside of fucking me" "Y/N! Bill! That's enough" Frank sounded like a father scolding his children and you felt your head duck slightly "Sorry Frank"

You stood and walked a couple feet away hearing Frank telling Billy that he should've approached the subject of Dinah differently with you being there. "Sorry Frankie. My point is though I may have seen Madani naked but you're the one she's hot for" after that you blocked out the rest of their conversation choosing to look out over the surrounding area, a habit you'd picked up from years being around Frank and Billy alike. Hell even Curt still did perimeter scans.

You caught the end of their conversation which was Billy offering to get Frank out the city. What got your attention was Frank calling you over. You slowly walked back over to stand at Frank's shoulder as Billy finished his offer to get Frank a new social and to put him on a boat overseas. Billy met your eyes and said "Y/N me and you both know this isn't what Maria would've wanted for him. Hell if you can leave your lover boy behind we could always use a good medic too"

Frank looked between the two of you then stood "Let me think about it Bill" Billy nodded then gave Frank a piece of paper with what dock and what time and his cell number. "Just let me know man" Frank took it with a nod. You turned to walk off but stopped when Billy called your name so you glanced over your shoulder. He half smiled and let his eyes flick across you before saying "I meant it when I said you look good. If Murdock has that effect on you maybe he actually deserves you".

You didn't give him the satisfaction of responding. If he still thought you were with Matt the better. At least it wasn't clear you weren't over him and at least now Frank had one more option to consider.

"C'mon Frank let's get going" you half mumbled walking away without even looking to see if Frank was following.

\--------------------

You knew Frank needed a few hours to get his head clear and make a decision so you headed home for a while. You had to get your head on straight after dealing with Billy. You had plans to meet Karen later that night and wanted to be in a better mood before then not to mention you were growing exhausted from constantly looking over your shoulder.

* * *

Billy watched you walk away and felt his jaw clench tight with anger. Not at you but at himself, hell at the entire situation all of you were now in because of him. You'd known this whole time Frank was alive and didn't trust him. He'd done it, hell he'd had to do it but didn't mean he liked. He hated himself every day for hurting you but at least you were alive.

* * *

Hours later you were half asleep on your couch when your phone rang from a blocked number. You clicked to answer and felt relief and hearing Frank's voice "I'm not leaving. Not yet anyways. I want to see this through" "Ok. Anything I can help with, I'm here" "I know sweetheart. I'll call you tomorrow"

You stared at the phone for a few seconds then stood to head to bed. Karen was asleep in your spare bedroom and had been for hours. Now that you knew which way Frank had decided you could head to bed. You had to be in early for your shift.

You knew there was no way at all to predict what or who may come up next but you did know that you would be backing Frank up in whatever way you could. You wanted answers as bad as he did. You'd lost so much that day too and wanted to be close enough to make sure you didn't lose him as well.


	35. Chapter 35

"Jesus Christ! Get down now!" You had walked into Micro's hideout to find Frank not only doing pull ups but he had a chain around his waist with a cement block attached for extra weight. 

He grinned at you and said "Five more minutes kid" you shook your head because you knew there was no arguing him and walked into the kitchen where Micro was cooking. You sat the bag of equipment he'd asked you to pick up on the counter and peeked into the pot "What are you cooking?" "Pasta, want some?" He offered and you shook your head "Naw I ate on the way. I've got a shift in an hour" 

You heard Frank's feet hit the floor and looked up to see he was pulling a hoodie on. "Nu uh. Let me look" he rolled his eyes but pulled the hoodie back off nonetheless and sat down next to you. 

You peeked over his shoulder at the map that was spread across the counter once you were through making sure his shoulder was healing correctly. Micro cut his eyes at you then asked Frank "Want to give it one last shot?" Frank nodded "Sure"

"Colonel Morty Bennett Fort Bryon" Frank pointed to the corner of the map "I infiltrate here" he followed a path with his finger and pointed to a group of buildings "make my way to his quarters which are here. I do what I got to do" Micro nodded so Frank continued "I head to the extract point which is here, where you'll be waiting in the van" "That's about it" Micro said with a small smile as he handed Frank a plate of pasta.

Frank stood and walked across the room as he took a few bites "Agent Orange knows I'm alive. He knows I'm coming for him. It was him watching the feed up on that mountain, i know it" "So if Gunner was right Bennett knows Orange's real name?" You asked and he nodded "Most important thing is that Bennett has to be where David says he will be" you looked back at Micro who said "One hundred percent. I've accessed his credit cards, bank statements, phone records. He entertains every saturday night like clockwork. Trust me, he's gonna be tied up with company when you arrive"

"Good. Sooner we find him sooner I can put the guy down" you glanced back at Frank at his words and didn't try to hide your flinch when Micro said "You mean Agent Orange?" "What's that?" Frank asked and you knew that tone of voice so you moved from standing between them to a vantage point where you could watch. "I wanna make sure you mean Orange not Bennett. Because that's not the plan" "He knows the plan David. Hell I know the plan" you tried to diffuse any argument but Micro gave a small laugh "I'd just hate for you to get confused Frank. You know you got Bennett in front of you, you hate the guy and have a gun. Your blood gets up. You know how it goes"

Frank scoffed "How does it go David?" I'm just wondering is that how it goes for you? Huh? When your blood gets up, you just boom,boom, boom room full of dead guys?" "I've never killed anybody" Micro admitted and you saw a ghost of a smile that was purely sarcasm flick across Frank's face "No? Cause I was thinking maybe this time I wait in the van, send you in. Seeing as you know the plan so well. I got the bad arm and all"

Micro looked at you presumably for help but you shook your head so he looked back at Frank "I'm under no illusion that I can do what you can. I'm grateful and appreciative of what you're doing and the choice you made" Frank nodded then said "Whole thing's crazy" "What's that?" You asked and he pointed back to the map "sneaking into a military base. Y/N I keep thinking what if one of those guys try to stop me. Am I supposed to kill a soldier for doing his job?" "Let's hope it doesn't come to that" you offered. Your phone started ringing and when you saw the number you let out a string of curses "Who is it?" Micro asked so you held it up "That's Homeland"

You quickly turned the phone off and pulled the battery out. You'd put the battery back in when you were far from the hideout. You glanced at the time and let out a breath "I gotta get going. Happy hunting Frank. Be safe and Micro let me know he's in one piece how about it?" Frank stood and pulled you into a quick hug "Stay safe and stay away unless we call. I got to make sure it's safe before you pop up here" "I'll be fine Frank" you promised and waved at Micro on your way out the door.

\---------------------

The end of the night you got a message on your phone that simply read "He's fine. Tracking, talk later" you let out a breath when you read it and didn't realize how loud you'd been until Alice leaned up off her bunk "You good Y/N?" "Yeah. I'm good" you replied with a smile and laid back yourself.

\------------------------

Thanks to Frank's scope now having a camera all of you now knew the actual name of Agent Orange. Williams Rawlins the third. Director of CIA field ops and covert ops. Apparently from what Micro had told you the Rawlins were old Virginia money, practically royalty. 

You didn't give a damn about the man's standing. You wanted to see Frank get the privilege of putting him down. You hadn't see Frank in nearly a week since he didn't want to risk you coming by the hideout too often. Knowing him and Micro had eyes on your apartment helped your feelings slightly.

You'd also been dodging Madani at every turn. You didn't want to face another line of questions. If she'd went to that mountainside in Kentucky, she had proof Frank was alive. She was smart and knew if he was hurt you were one of the top candidates of who he'd get to patch him up.

\------------------------

A part of you considered calling Matt to see if purposely dodging a special agent in charge could be anything that could bite you in the ass legally but god you didn't want to deal with the can of worms that would open. He worried about your safety enough.

You and Karen had decided to have a night in. Both of you had been working your asses off and needed a breather. You were walking through your living room in a pair of jogging pants and a t-shirt. She would probably end up staying with you so there was no reason to dress up.

You heard a knock on the door and went to open it then laughed when you saw she was similarly dressed "Well Ms Page. That's not office attire" she looked you up and down before saying "And that's not a standard paramedic uniform either" "Fair enough" you agreed with a laugh stepping back to let her inside.

\--------------------------

"You wouldn't know anything about Colonel Bennett would you?" She asked halfway through a bottle of wine and two movies in. You shrugged then said "I can say with certainty he didn't do it" she smiled "Good" then her whole face lit up even more "Alice told me you got a new rig?" You nodded "Apparently our station house was the only one that had not only a brand new, fully equipped ambulance donated but new equipment for the firefighters and new furniture for the common room" she let out a low whistle then said "Maybe I could write a small piece from all of you thanking the anonymous donor?" You nodded "Sounds good to me but Chief Michelson and Jason would have the final say"

You went back to watching the movie but then she asked "Have you thought about dating anyone since you and Matt reconsidered things?" You laughed and turned to face her "Have you thought about dating since meeting a certain someone?" Her nose scrunched up when she laughed "Well how about we skip over our love lives or lack there of, is Kenzie still cooking Thanksgiving dinner for everyone?" You laughed and nodded "Yes ma'am. She's getting two turkeys" "That's a lot of bird" "She wants to make sure we all get fed. She's gonna have a second table for drive by dinners too" you knew Kenzie's family was coming into town too. You were going to try to make it but if something came up or if Curtis needed help with the soup kitchen you were glad there was an option to participate without hurting feelings.

\--------------------------------

You and Karen ended up going to the diner the next morning to grab some breakfast before your work days started. After her reminding you to get Chief Michelson to give her a call you went your separate ways.

You were almost to the station house when your phone rang. You pulled it out to see it was Sarah Lieberman. You'd forgotten you'd gave her your number "Hey Sarah, everything ok?" You answered and heard her sniffle "Y/N is there any way you can get Pete to call me back" you felt your stomach knot up. Had something happened. "Is everything ok? Do I need to come over" "No. I mean no one's hurt. I'm just worried about Zach. Hoping maybe Pete would be willing to talk to him"

"I'll call him now and if you need me call ok?" You told her and she agreed before you said your goodbyes. You hit the number for Frank's burner which was saved under the name of one of the women you'd went to school with. He answered on the first ring "Have you talked to Sarah..Pete?" There were times you still had to bite your lip. "I'm on my way now" was his response so you let out a breath "Good. Let me know if the kid's ok?" "Sure sweetheart. Shouldn't you be at work though?" You laughed and said "walking in now" he said goodbye then hung up.

Alice spotted you walking in and stood to walk behind you to the locker room. "Who was that?" She asked with a grin. You rolled your eyes and lied faster than you were comfortable with "Curtis" she visibly deflated a little "Well shit. That isn't juicy" you grinned at her "My apologies that I'm not more entertaining"

\-------------------------

It was mid afternoon when a call came through to respond to an officer down. You ran through the station house and out to the bays.

You weren't sure what to expect from the address alone. It was a supposedly abandoned warehouse. You slowed when you turned into the lot then threw the rig into park when you spotted Dinah holding a motionless and bloody Sam.

Alice chunked your bag to you and you ran to their side with her close behind. "Agent Madani, are you hurt?" Alice asked while you tried to triage Sam as best as you could. "I've got a pulse. It's weak but there. Appears to have multiple gsw's and a knife wound to the shoulder" you looked across at Dinah while Alice ran to grab a gurney "Are you hurt?" You hadn't heard her answer Alice. She shook her head "Is he going to live?" You were bandaging Sam up as fast as your hands could move and told her the best truth you could "If I have anything to say about it"

Alice had called for backup units and they were rolling on scene along with a few patrol cars when you were loading Sam. You looked at Dinah "Are you good? You might be going into shock. I wish you'd come along to get checked out" she shook her head numbly "Help Sam. I'll get checked out after I see if anyone is still alive" "ok" you agreed and slammed the back doors shut then ran to the driver's seat. You hit your lights and sirens as you pulled out onto the road and couldn't help but wonder if whatever had happened to Madani's team was tied into her digging in Cerberus and Rawlins not wanting that.


	36. Chapter 36

You'd seen so much in your line of work. Babies being born, people dying. Hell you'd seen the body of the woman who had very well saved your life by getting her parents to take you in when you were both kids lying in a coffin next to her kids who were your world. 

You never imagined the carnage that a bomb wreaked. Curtis had told you stories. He'd lost his leg in a bomb. The reality of rushing from victim to victim, saving who you could and being forced to walk away from those you knew you were too far gone. Bombs had went off at the ATF field office, the 10th precinct of NYPD and the courthouse. You and Alice had been working for hours on end responding to call after call.

When you made it back to the station house you were basically forcing your feet to move. You felt shaken and wanted nothing more than to put a bullet in the asshole responsible yourself. You felt your phone vibrate and realized you hadn't bothered checking it. You pulled it out your pocket and grimaced when you saw all the missed calls and texts. Alice saw you and nodded "Yeah I gotta go call Kenzie" 

You pulled your jacket further around you and stepped back outside. The last missed call was from Matt so you hit his number first. "Y/N! Thank god" you half smiled at hearing his voice. "I'm good Matt. It's horrible out there but my job is running in after the fact" you heard Foggy's voice in the background "is that Y/N? Is she ok?" A full smile slipped onto your face when you heard Foggy "Tell Foggy I'm fine. I'm sorry for worrying you two. It's just been one call after another, ya know?" "I know. It's just a relief to hear your voice. I know you've probably got other calls to return like Karen who's called us asking if we've heard from you. Y/N just because we aren't sleeping together anymore doesn't mean I don't care about you" before you could respond you heard Foggy holler "Jesus I don't need that mental image! And I still love her more than you do!" You laughed and said "I love you both ok? I gotta go" "Bye Y/N" 

After returning Karen, Curtis' and Mrs Johnson's calls you hit the number you'd saved under the name of one of your friends from college and waited until Frank answered "Y/N are you ok?" "Yea. I'm good. Been working my ass off but I'm ok" you could hear the relief in his voice and mentally kicked yourself, of course his mind would go to the darkest place first. He let out a breath then said "Good to hear. Keep in contact ya hear?" "Yes sir" you said with a smile then he hung up so you knew he was satisfied you were still alive and in one piece.

You scrolled back to the last missed call and almost didn't click it when you realized who's number it was but hit it anyways. It rang twice before he answered "I'm almost surprised you called me back" You rolled your eyes and headed back into the bays "What do you want Billy? Shouldn't you be checking on Dinah in this aftermath?" "Oh she's home. Her partner was nearly killed and is in a coma, the rest of her team wasn't so lucky so she's taken some time off" his words were so simple but it still twisted that knife a little further and you started to wonder if Matt would be up for a night just to get your mind off images of Billy and Dinah but that would fuck up your friendship with Matt.

"I know. I responded to the nine one one call. Still doesn't answer why the hell you're calling me. You made it clear a long time ago I'm no concern to you. I'm not with our mutual friend at the moment. I'm working to clean up behind the psychopath bombing our city" you pressed the palm of your hand against your eyes trying to rub away some of the tension there that had been building all day and now was trying to accumulate from this unwanted call.

"Maybe because when the news of the bombs hit the first thought I had was first responders would be right in the cross hairs of this asshole. I don't care how bad you hate me I still had to make sure you're alive to do so" the phone went dead in your hand and you weren't surprised that he'd hung up. You refused to play into whatever angle he was getting at by calling you. It had to be an angle you refused to think even a small part of him may still care about you.

You didn't have a lot of time to debate with yourself because another call rang out.

\----------------------------

You were off and just hanging around your apartment. You were dead on your feet and was headed back in the following day for back to back shifts.

You had your radio playing for background noise and nearly jumped over the back of your couch to turn up the volume when you heard Ricky Langtry announce that his guests were Senator Ori who you personally couldn't stand and Karen. She'd gotten a letter from the bomber and her responding editorial you knew had probably damn near given Frank a coronary because it'd worried the hell out of you. 

Ricky went through introductions before saying "Karen your response of a rather pissy editorial calling the guy a terrorist leaves little doubt but do you have any sympathy for this guy?" You scoffed before Karen quickly answered "No. None at all"

You sat through listening to Ori try to use the bombings as a reason to take any guns away from citizens and rolled your eyes. A laugh fell from your lips when he said "Miss Page, wouldn't you say in this day and age there's no need for an ordinary citizen to carry a gun?" God was this guy barking up the wrong tree. Karen's sigh was audible even through the radio. "Have you ever been scared, Senator? Genuinely afraid for your life? In a situation where a gun and the willingness to use it might mean the difference between life and death?" 

You could feel yourself bristle up and could just imagine the look on Karen's face when Ori said "Guns are a toxin on this society. In the wrong hands they wreak terrible results. It's only a little over a year since this city was terrorized by the punisher" like what Frank did was anywhere near the senseless carnage you'd seen in the aftermath of the bombs. "That's hardly the same thing! Frank Castle killed murderers and drugs dealers" You smiled at her defending Frank so adamantly.

Ori scoffed "But where's the line Karen? Frank Castle decided he knew better than the law and was tried for killing thirty seven people" You wanted to call Ori up and say that was thirty seven that was known about but knew better than to do that. Karen's only response was "Frank Castle isn't a terrorist" and you could practically see her jaw tensing with her words.

Ricky cut in to say "Frank Castle was a hero to many that saw he was doing what the cops failed to do" yeah you knew you listened to his show for some reason. The radio cut out for a few seconds then when it came back Ricky said "Ok New York. We have a caller on the line who says he's the bomber" a beat passed and then he said "Can I get a name?"

An eerily familiar voice responded "My name isn't important. Only my actions" where did you know that voice?

Ricky took a breath "Ok you're talking to New York" the bomber asked "Why'd you say those things about me Karen?" You closed your eyes praying for once she may decide to back down but her response was "Because I despise everything you've done" Christ she needed to ease up. The bomber went on a rant saying "This country is being cannibalized by people like Ori. Shipping our jobs overseas, selling us out then taking our guns so we can't do anything about it"

Karen laughed humorlessly "You're such a coward. Those people you killed? They weren't making policy. They were secretaries and janitors and beat cops. Ordinary people. How does that help your cause? Maybe the government did something awful to you. I don't know your story but awful things happen to people every day and they don't murder people because of it!" The bombers response was "You're just a pawn, like the rest of them and Senator Ori. What a joke. You don't represent anyone but yourself. The war is just beginning and you're all on the wrong side. Sic Semper Tyrannis" that's when it clicked. 

Ricky called the show and you knew since the FBI was handling this case they would no doubt get Karen back to the bulletin and have it surrounded so you hit the number for Frank. The moment he answered you said "His name is Lewis Wilson. He drives a cab and he's twenty six" "I'll get David to find his ass" you could feel your hands shaking with the images of the bombings victims and the mere thought of that happening to Karen "Don't let him hurt her Frank" "We're not losing her sweetheart. Watch your back ok?" "Ok. Call me" 

The line went dead in your hand so you grabbed your jacket then slipped shoes on. You slid your purse over your shoulder and double checked the contents. Your plan was to head to the bulletin.

\------------------------

The moment you walked into the door an agent stopped you. "ID ma'am?" "She practically works here. I'll vouch for her" Ellison told the agent so he let you pass. You grinned at Ellison "Second thought, I'm gonna need an ID" he rolled his eyes "She's in her office. She's shook up but safe"

You walked into Karen's office and she glanced up when she saw you "Y/N" you cut your eyes at the agent in the room with her so she asked if you and her could have some privacy. 

Once he walked out she shut the door "He's pissed..i think he's going after the guy" you didn't want to lie to her so you simply nodded. Bad news for you was Karen already had picked up most of your facial expressions and their meaning "Do you know who it is?" You shrugged "Maybe? But Karen I agree with him. This guy needs to be put down" "Christ Y/N!" She sat down heavily on her desk and ran a hand across her face.

\---------------------------

You were sitting on her desk looking over her shoulder at her notes when Ellison walked in. He looked a bit pissed so you got to your feet. He looked from Karen to you. "Tell me. Did you two know?" "Know what?" You asked and he clicked on the television in the corner of the room.

A news report was playing then cut into footage of Frank sliding across the hood of a patrol car. The headline read "THE PUNISHER ALIVE" your hand flew to your mouth in shock and so did Karen's. 

"Shit" you gasped staring at the screen. 

  
  



	37. Chapter 37

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> soon a lot of canon will be chunked out the window. Remember this is an AU(ish) where Billy isn't a narcissist psychopath but rather someone who made bad choices then was left with shitty options and well the reasons will be shown soon enough.

In the last day of your life Curtis had been seriously injured by Lewis and Frank framed as his partner. When your alarm clock went off you seriously started to call out. Chief Michelson would understand wouldn't he?

You pushed that thought away and climbed out of bed. You had a job to do. Hell Karen was going to interview Ori at the hotel he was holding his charity banquet at. The only thing giving you even slight piece of mind was knowing Anvil had been publicly hired as Ori's security. If his employees were half as good as Billy at that line of work she'd be safe.

You could go manage to go into work. After the incident with Kayla you didn't think there would be a lot of slurs thrown your way but you did have to face Alice and her realizing you'd been hiding something so huge from her.

The only thoughts in your mind were about Frank and Karen. You hadn't spoken to Frank since he called to ask if you were ok. Micro wasn't even answering and well Curtis was very vague about what happened between Frank and Lewis so that left you to worry.

\-----------------------------

"Y/N Y/L/N" was screamed across the station house before you even managed to get completely inside. You winced at the tone in Alice's voice and felt every eye on you. She made it to your side and asked loudly "Did you know?" you took a deep breath then dropped your bag on the floor before climbing on top of the nearest chair. Everyone was watching you by this time and you saw Chief Michelson coming out his office. You looked around before saying "No I did not know Frank was alive. That being said if any of you buy the bullshit the papers are selling about him being in cahoots with Wilson, you're full of more shit than any politician" 

"Y/N get down!" Jason said coming in behind you. When you climbed down he shook his head "We know Castle isn't a terrorist. Now go get ready for your shift" you glanced towards Chief Michelson who nodded. You didn't have to look to know Alice was following you to the locker room. 

The moment it was just the two of you she stepped close enough her chest was a breath away from yours. Her voice was barely a whisper it was so low "Y/N I'm not mad. I'm hurt. I would've kept Frank's secret. I know he's not who the media has made him to be. That being said, I'm here if you need me" you glanced around then started to say "Alice it's not like that" but she cut you off with a raised hand "I know you had your reasons. We're good babe" you smiled and pulled her into a hug allowing yourself a moment to breathe.

\----------------------

It was around ten thirty when a call came in that made your blood run cold. The hotel had been attacked by Lewis. You threw a look Alice's way as the two of you ran out to the bay.

\---------------------

When you rolled onto scene squad cars were everywhere. Hell a uniform had to clear traffic for you to get through. 

You grabbed your bag as did Alice before both of you walked to the nearest cop. "Responding to a nine one one call?" He nodded then told both of you what floor and radioed your names up. The walk through the lobby you picked up "The punisher" and "Never would've thought" but not much more. So Frank happened. That must mean Karen was safe.

You knew you were fidgeting on the elevator even before Alice swatted your hand "We're medical professionals Y/N" you nodded then explained "Karen was interviewing Ori and Anvil was working security" "Oh shit" she breathed her eyes wide "Yeah" you replied with a sharp nod.

When you walked off the elevator none other than Madani was talking to Karen in the hallway. You breathed a sigh of relief at seeing her. You glanced back at Alice and nodded for her to go to the Senator while you gave Karen a once over. She nodded and waved at Karen before following the cop away. "Y/N" Karen greeted and you could see she was holding a lot back due to the company. You smiled at Madani and said "Um Dinah if you don't mind she needs to be seen to before she gets questioned any further" 

"I'm through talking to her Y/N but I need to talk to you too. Not just about Frank" she leaned closer and added "Found out more about Rawlins and Cerberus. Your name came up" you had no idea what she meant and knew your face gave you away that once. "Take care of Karen. I'll find you" she said before walking away. You weren't sure if that was a promise or a threat. 

\--------------------

After you cleared Karen of any serious injuries she gave you the basics of what she knew. It made your heart twist to see tears in her eyes. "Frank was hurt Y/N. He's going to need you" you knew her well enough to know what she was feeling without her giving voice to it so you simply nodded "I know. As soon as I leave here I'll tell Alice it's an emergency. I have a few vacation days I'll cash in then go find him. You stay safe though ok?" She nodded and squeezed your hand "you too"

\-----------------------

You managed to slip out the hotel without being cornered by Mahoney (who was apparently intent on questioning you about Frank still being alive from what Karen said) or Madani.

When you made it back to the ambulance and mentioned to Alice you needed to take off she gave you a long look then said "I'm supposed to pretend this doesn't have something to do with Frank right?"

You'd known Alice since you first got certified and knew to a certain point she wouldn't try to rat you out so you shrugged "I've got to do what I feel is right. That means as soon as we get back to the station I'm cashing in the week of vacation time I have and heading out" she nodded before you pulled out onto the road. You were almost back to the station before she said "Stay safe and stock up before you leave.. I'll mark it as having been used"

"Thank you" you told her with a smile and she nodded then squeezed your hand "Frank's your family. I've got your back"

\--------------------------

A part of you wondered what Madani meant about your name being mentioned in with Rawlins and Cerberus but your concern for Frank outweighed any and all curiosity.

\-------------------------

You headed home as soon as you left the station house. You knew Frank was hurt but you also knew you needed to transfer your supplies over to a crossbody bag. Just in case you had to move fast.

You had the bag packed and thought about it for a second before putting your gun in the top. You grabbed your jacket and ran out the door, locking it behind you.

It took you twice as long as usual to get to Micro's hideout. You didn't know how serious Madani and Mahoney were about talking to you and didn't put it past either to put a tail on you in hopes it would lead to Frank.

When you finally made it and walked through the door Micro jumped up from the screens then saw it was you "Y/N.. He isn't here" you nodded "I can see that. Mind if I stay until he gets here?" He ran his hand through his hair "Yeah sure"

\--------------------

You must have dozed off at some point because you woke up to Micro calling your name so you stumbled from your seat in the corner to stand next to him. Your breath caught in your throat when you saw Billy on the screen and heard him saying he was helping the man hunt for Frank.

"No" you breathed and weren't sure if it was a denial or a prayer to be wrong. When the reporter asked what he would say to Frank you felt an urge to throw something at the tv when he said "What happened to you Frank?" 

You glanced up and realized Frank had walked in. His eyes skimmed over you as he stood stoic and you realized he was checking for any visible injuries because you were doing the same to him clocking what clearly looked like a bullet graze on the side of his head and the fact that he was favoring his right arm. "Frank" you gasped and moved towards him but he turned and walked away towards the bathroom. 

"Do we follow him?" Micro asked and you scoffed "I damn sure follow him" you grabbed your bag and headed behind Frank when you walked in he was struggling to get his shirt off so you walked over in front of him "Let me help" he grunted in response so you took that as permission and moved to help him get the torn shirt off his body.

You took a breath when you saw all the cuts littering his body and the piece of shrapnel sticking out his arm. You could feel the anger and pain rolling off of him but remained silent as you dug what you needed out your bag and laid it out. 

Micro looked from you to Frank before saying "Are you going to talk to me? I mean I can fill in some holes from the last time I saw you. Whole world knows you're alive, city thinks you're a terrorist and you had something to do with blowing up a hotel I think?" You glared at him trying to get the message across to shut up. You were pushing your own feelings down at finding out about Billy's apparent betrayal, you didn't need to hear him going on and on about it.

"And just a guess but seems your buddy Billy Russo was dirty after all?" "David shut the hell up!" You snapped and Frank cut his eyes at you. You moved to see the piece of shrapnel, trying to concentrate on what you could control. "I can handle it" Frank all but growled with his rough voice. You knew he was hurt a lot deeper than these surface wounds, hell your mind was currently chaos embodied but you met his harsh gaze head on "Frank I don't know what all happened. I'm guessing Billy shot you, I don't know why but if he betrayed you, betrayed Maria.. He deserves to die" your voice cracked so you swallowed hard before continuing "but I'll be damned if I'm not going to help you now. So shut up and let me do my goddamn job" 

Micro looked shocked at your outburst while Frank simply nodded and leaned his arm against the wall. You pulled gloves on then grasped the shrapnel with a clamp and pulled it out. It clattered to the sink with a metallic ting followed by blood squirting out from the wound. You moved quickly stitching up the hole, your body was moving on autopilot. It knew what to do from so many years even when your mind wasn't involved.

Billy was involved with Rawlins. Did he know? Did he know Maria and the kids were going to be killed? Did he hold you at the service knowing that? You felt a wave of nausea as memories of your last night in his arms flooded your mind. He'd know. God why? What was worth betraying the only family he'd ever known?

When you were done with his arm and side you grabbed your stapler and moved to his head. Him and Micro were arguing but you were doing your best to ignore them. "I'm done" Frank told Micro then glanced at you "You done?" You nodded numbly so he walked out the room. 

You took a deep breath then gathered your supplies and followed him without a look at Micro.

\------------------------

"Frank!" You spoke harsher than you meant to but it worked because he stopped and looked at you "Talk to me, please" "What am I supposed to say? You loved him. He was like a brother to me. He's the reason why we lost Maria and the kids" 

You tried twice before finding your voice to ask "Do you still trust me Frankie?" He covered the steps to you then leaned down to look you in the eyes "No matter what. You're my family sweetheart but I'm going to kill him" you slowly nodded "Just survive it please. I can't lose you too Frank"

\----------------------

You stood between Frank and Micro as they argued. Frank was gearing up for war and while part of you agreed the other part kept flashing images of Frank truly dead through your mind.

You walked into the area where the computer screens were and stared for a second at the image of Sarah's kitchen until you realized something was wrong "BOTH OF YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP AND COME HERE!" 

They both quickly came into the room and Frank looked where you were pointing. "Take it back" he told Micro who rewinded it to the point that all three of you were forced to watch helpless as Sarah and Zach were kidnapped. 

"How long ago was this?" You asked. "Um less than an hour" Mirco was a mess and you couldn't blame him but the same thought occurred to you right before Frank said "They're coming here. Rawlins and Russo. Sarah has my number"

You were trying to slow down your mind enough to form a coherent thought. Billy was dirty. He'd betrayed all of you and was now what? Ok with kidnapping women and children? 

"Wait. They didn't get Leo" you said so Micro switched around to the camera at the back of his house. All of you watched as Leo climbed down the side of the house then took off running. "Attagirl. She got a phone?" Frank asked. "Yeah" Micro replied so Frank told him to call him. You understood his hesitant response to some degree. 

Frank called her instead and told her to meet at the pool playground. When she hung up he looked at Micro "You go meet her. You're her father now go to your babygirl"

"What are you going to do?" Micro asked him but you already knew. If Rawlins and Billy wanted a fight Frank was going to give them one. "I'm gonna meet these assholes head on. Y/N you go to Madani. Meet me at Greenpoint terminal. If I'm not there by midnight David you go in and tell her everything you know. Ok?" 

You nodded slowly then Frank asked "Got your gun on you?" You pointed to your bag so he leaned down and unzipped it, then dug around before he found it and held it out "Wear it at your lower back" you placed it where it usually rode and he nodded "attagirl. Anyone seem like they're aiming to cause you harm before you get to Madani shoot first. Ask questions later. You hear me?" "Yea. I will" you knew you were taking a big chance but fuck it was worth it.

You glanced at Micro as you leaned down to pick up your bag "He'll get them back" "I know" you nodded once then headed back out the way you'd came in. Karen would be worried but she was safer out of this for now.

\--------------------------

You watched Dinah walk around the park you'd told her to meet at for about an hour before finally hopping down off the low branch you'd been sitting on. She didn't see you so you called her name and she spun around but relaxed when she saw it was you "Thought you'd stood me up" you smirked "Nah. Just making sure it's only the two of us"

You gave her a quick run down of the fact that Frank and Micro were willing to go on record if Homeland helped to recover Sarah and Zach. "Where are we meeting them?" She asked once you were done so you checked the time "Greenpoint terminal, forty five minutes" she nodded "want a ride?" You shrugged and followed her to her car.

You slid in the passenger seat and sat your bag at your feet. She eyed it for a moment then asked "How long have you known Frank was alive?" You waited until she pulled out onto the road to answer "Who do you think patched him up?" 

\-----------------------

Dinah had thankfully not tried to talk to you. You climbed out the car to wait for Frank. You finally heard a sharp whistle and glanced up to see him walking towards you. You patted the hood "C'mon" 

Dinah locked her car then followed you across the open space. The three of you met up at Micro's van that was parked nearby. He hadn't know any of you were there yet.

After Frank checked on Leo, Micro asked what was next. "We get you and Frank on record then we get your family back sound good?" He nodded so you glanced across at Frank "Guess that means we all willingly walk into Homeland?" 

You climbed into the van with Micro, Sarah and Frank. All of you were silent. You tried and failed to not think about Billy. Had everything been a lie?

When and why did he decide to give up everyone for money?

You looked across at Frank and wanted nothing more than to hug him. You also wanted to ask what happened with the team that was sent to the hideout, you needed to see if he was hurt.

For now all of you had to get to Homeland, luckily the Special Agent in Charge was following right behind you. How the hell were you supposed to be the same after this? How were any of you supposed to have an after?


	38. Chapter 38

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next 2 chapters are ANGST

Frank was in a conference room with Madani, Micro was sitting in a room with his daughter so that left you to pace the hallway while half a dozen agents watched you like you were an insane person. Your mind hadn't stopped throwing every worse case scenario at you. What if Billy went after Alice and Kenzie? God what if he went after Karen? Matt could fight but every form of martial arts in the world couldn't stop a bullet. Why had he done this? What type of man was he to hold you in his arms, comfort you, all the while knowing he was at the very least partially responsible for your pain?

Your attention was drawn by the door of the conference room opening. You spun around and saw Frank walking out. "Finally. I need to double check my work on you" that was the only way you could think to get a moment alone with him but Dinah shook her head "I need to speak to you first then you can patch up anyone in this building for all I care" you cut your eyes at Frank and saw the anger flash through his eyes at her pulling you into the questioning. You touched his shoulder gently on the way by "I got this"

You knew he was standing in the hall but walked in the room and let Dinah shut the door behind you. The two of you stood there for a second whether you were sizing each other up or just catching your breath you weren't sure. She finally waved a hand towards the table "Want to sit?" You crossed your arms "I have nothing to say that goes on record" she nodded and you could see her rolling her tongue across her bottom teeth which was probably just a habit. "If you have something to ask me, ask it. If not I'm walking out of here and going to check on Frank"

She must have taken you at your word because she finally spoke "Did you know Frank killed Zubair?" "Yes" your response didn't seem to surprise her that much. Her next question did surprise you however. "What's the story with you and Russo?"

"Excuse me?" You asked uncrossing your arms. "Just seems you're smack in the middle of this. You were dating Billy during their time on operation Cerberus. The two of you were serious enough you were mentioned in his paperwork he signed on his last tour. You grew up with Frank's late wife" you laughed and shook your head "Jesus Christ, Dinah really? Yeah Maria met me when I was young, I was a kid with a shitty home life. She made friends with me and eventually her parents took me in. Meeting Frank and Billy both was just a side effect of basically being Maria's sister. I haven't spoken to Billy outside of him calling to see if I was dead or alive after the bombs went off since right after Frank's family was massacred. You were the one most recently fucking him so should I be questioning you here?"

She was silent for a moment then opened the door "Had to ask, just to make sure" you met her eyes for a moment then nodded and walked through the door. She stopped you with a hand on your arm. You looked from it to her and she held her hand out "Only agents are allowed to be armed in here" you rolled your eyes but handed the gun over nonetheless. 

You watched her walk to her office and saw which drawer she locked it in before going to find Frank.

\----------------------

You and Frank were in an empty office. He was sitting on the desk with his shirt next to him so you could double check the stitches you'd put in his side after the bombing at the hotel. "Y/N" you knew every tone of voice and what it meant from him so you shook your head "I don't want to talk about him Frank"

Once you were done you pulled your bag back on and started to walk out the room but Frank stopped you "Sweetheart, we need to talk" you could feel the tears stinging your eyes when you turned to look at him "About how I was dumb enough to fall in love with someone evil enough to allow our family to be killed?" He closed his eyes then pulled you into a hug "You aren't dumb. I trusted him too but I promise he will pay for every ounce of pain he's caused you" "I still can't believe he betrayed us" you spoke into his chest. "I know sweetheart, I know"

\--------------------------

  
  


Frank asked to talk to you alone before him and Micro with the team to recover Sarah and Zach. 

Leo was watching you carefully after Micro explained she'd be staying with you at Homeland so you smiled at her before following Frank out into the hall. 

"Y/N you know you're like a sister to me" you got an awful feeling of a goodbye from his words but didn't voice that fear. He pulled you into a tight hug then said "I'm getting Sarah and Zach back and giving Madani enough to bring down everything. Promise me no matter what happens you won't let yourself have any guilt. Maria loved you. Our kids loved you. I love you" 

"I love you too Frank" you spoke into his shoulder before he patted your back once more then released you "Madani is keeping you here as the medic for their team once they get back. Here's hoping it goes well enough you're not needed" you breathed out a mixture of a sigh and a laugh "here's hoping. Kick their asses Frank"

\--------------------

You were sitting with Leo when Sarah and Zach were escorted into the room so you slid out while to give the family a moment alone.

You spotted Dinah and Micro walking down the hall but no sign of Frank "Where's Frank?" You asked Dinah who pointed at Micro "ask him" you turned to look at him "Ok, David where is Frank?"

He wouldn't meet your face when he said "I made him a promise to let him finish this his way" you tried to hold your anger, you really did but that meant Frank was knowing facing Billy, Rawlins and God knows who or what else.

"WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN LIEBERMAN? WHERE THE FUCK IS HE?" you screamed trying to stop yourself from throwing a punch. You should've known that self sacrificing son of a bitch would pull something like this. He had been saying goodbye and you'd been too big of a coward to face it.

Dinah grabbed your arm and when you sent her a glare she quickly let go but pointed down the hall "Let's grab a cup of coffee. You need to calm down" "and he needs to tell us where Frank is before I shoot him for real" you didn't care that you'd just threatened someone in front of this many agents. "How did you get your gun back?" She asked with a shocked look and you shrugged "I picked the drawer you locked it up in" she scoffed at that "I think Frank is actually your brother. Now let's go get that damn coffee and talk"

You looked at Sarah who'd just stepped into the hall stood by while you blew up at her husband "Please talk him into telling me. Frank is my family and I can't lose him" she gave the slightest movement of her head in response so you begrudgingly followed Madani down the hall.

She handed you a cup of coffee and grabbed one for herself. You were still watching Micro until him and Sarah stepped into the room the kids were in. "It's not your fault. None of this" you laughed and said "Stick with being an agent, I already have a shrink who's probably flipping her shit along with her fiancee and a few other of my friends at my sudden disappearance"

"Do you want to call them?" She asked and you nodded "I'll call one. He'll spread the word that I'm safe just unreachable" you stepped away from her to call Curtis but broke down crying when you heard his voice "Y/N? Is everything ok?" 

"It's a shit show Curt. Look I just called to say I'm safe, please let everyone else know that" you could tell he wanted to ask more but he simply said "Ok" "Bye Curt" you hung up before he could say anything else.

\--------------------

You were pacing the hall in front of the room the Liebermans were in. You felt like you were the only person here who cared Frank was being killed while all of you sat around.

You finally opened the door but before you could speak you saw the kids and Sarah was asleep so you jerked your head towards the hall for Micro to follow you.

Once he'd shut the door you didn't try to hold back the tears "David please. He's my family, he's the only tie to Maria I have left. I can't lose him. Please tell me where he is" he nodded "C'mon" and walked towards Dinah's office.

\------------------------

The three of you stood around the computer screen as Micro typed a thousand different things then a video from inside the hideout started to play and your stomach lurched. Frank was tied to a chair and someone who you were guessing was Rawlins was beating him while Billy stood by. 

You felt the pure dread that had been sitting like a rock in your stomach turn to rage. How dare he? He was just standing there while Rawlins killed Frank. Was he that big of a coward?

"Where is this?" Dinah demanded so you looked at Micro "If you don't tell her I will" then looked back at her "we're going with you" "no you're not" "bullshit we aren't"

She finally sighed and said "Fine but you were vests and you go unarmed" you shook your head "I'll wear a vest but I'm taking my gun" she stared at you then shrugged "NYPD knows you're licensed"

\-------------------

You and Micro were supposed to stay behind Dinah but like you were going to follow orders. You weren't an agent. 

You saw Billy standing over Frank and Rawlins body and reacted without thinking. "Y/N!" Dinah hollered when the shot rang out. "Shit" you realized you'd simply caught his arm but part of you felt vindicated to know you'd drawn at least a little blood from Billy.

You ran to Frank's side then glanced over at Rawlins still form and felt an intense urge to shoot him even though he was clearly dead but your attention was on Frank. "He's drowning on his own blood" you knew you couldn't handle this. You needed a surgeon. Your hands moved quickly over Frank's chest clocking every injury you could see. You moved Micro's hand into position to take some pressure off his chest but there wasn't a lot you could do on your own.

"I can't save him David" you sounded broken even to your own ears. When Madani said they called an ambulance Micro beat you to it by saying "No. hospitals mean cops. He needs help. My friend is dying for your justice. Why don't you give him some?" You didn't know if it was just the culmination of the last few shocks to your system but you looked up from Frank your hands slick with his blood and said "If you're gonna let him die here Dinah..you're going to want to kill me too. His death won't go unanswered. He trusted you. Prove to be worthy of that"

Micro god bless him was trying everything to get Frank to wake up "C'mon Frank I betrayed you! I bought them here. I bought Y/N here! Wake up call me an asshole. Call me a son of a bitch. Come on!"

You laid your head over on Frank's shoulder that was closest to you "Come on Frank. I've already lived with thinking I've lost you once. Don't leave me too, please don't leave me too"

He coughed and jerked then opened his eyes. You started crying harder when Micro said "That's it you beautiful scary man"

"Help me get him up" Dinah finally said after you heard her talking across the radio. You shot her a questioning look so she said "I'm helping him. Trust me please?"

\-------------------

You didn't know where she'd taken all of you until you were going through the door and she was yelling "Dad! I need your help!"

Her dad and mom ran in "Dinah who is this man?" Her dad asked while her mom said "What you bought to our door?" You weren't above begging so you looked at her dad "Please help him!"

He nodded and pointed towards a door "Get him on the bed" 

\-----------------------

After Micro told Dinah's dad how Frank had gotten his injuries you told him you were a paramedic and offered to help "Get gloves on" 

You were through gloving up when Dinah's dad looked up at you "His broken rib punctured a lung. He's got a tension pneumothorax" you grabbed a needle and handed it to him while everyone around the bed watched. He held his hand out for the syringe once the needle was in so you handed it over and breathed a sigh of relief when he drew the blood out and Frank started back breathing.

"Thank you" you said and he shook his head "He needs blood" "I'm a universal donor" Micro or well guess you should start calling him David volunteered. You shot him a small smile while Dinah's dad hooked him up.

\------------------------

The next morning you were sitting in the windowsill when Frank woke up. The first thing out of his mouth was "Madani, did you get Russo?" She shook her head then glanced over her shoulder at you "Y/N did shoot him" "attagirl" he said weakly.

\-------------------------

After he'd been given the ok to leave on his feet David asked for a moment to talk to Frank so you stepped in the hall. Dinah's mom walked past so you said "Ma'am, I'd like to thank you and your husband for helping us. He's not who the media portrays him to be" she nodded "You made an impression on my daughter it seems. She trusts you, so I do"

Dinah walked up and smiled at you "Feeling better?" You raised an eyebrow "My brother by proxy was nearly killed and turns out the one man I've loved knew my sister, niece and nephew were gonna get murdered. I'm great" 

You walked back in the room with Dinah. Frank and David looked up and you knew Frank well enough to know there was something he wanted to tell you but didn't ask since you were in front of other people. 

\-------------------

You walked down to the sidewalk with Frank. He didn't want to endanger you but he needed to talk to you so the two of you were taking the long way around to where the van had been left "Y/N.. I need to tell you something. I mean I heard Rawlins say something to Bill" you waited for him to say more so you finally asked "What did he say?"

"That Bill was a stupid grunt willing to do anything to make sure his little whore medic stayed alive" you stopped walking "What's that mean? How am I involved in this?" Your mind was reeling. Finally you shook your head "Nope. You must have imagined it" he stared at you for a second then said "Bill told me it wasn't supposed to be like this. Maria and the kids weren't supposed to be in the middle. He said he was trying to keep you out of it. Rawlins said it too more or less" 

"He's lying! He's trying to keep you from killing him! That's all!" You were fighting to keep your voice down. You refused to let yourself believe there was any good left in Billy. Frank finally said "Ok" so the two of you started back walking. Right before you cut off to head towards your apartment like he'd asked you to you said "make me a promise?"

He raised one eyebrow "depends" you made sure to keep your voice steady as you said "Don't let him use me to make you falter. I want you to have an after too Frank..you deserve it" you started to walk away but Frank's response of "I do think he actually loved you and you shouldn't feel guilty for loving him" made you freeze. You looked back at him and said "Even if he did love me and even though a part of me will always love him it doesn't change anything" then kissed him on the cheek "Make it out alive Frank" and walked away.

  
  



	39. Chapter 39

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Angst and mentions of blood/violence and none canon Billy actions

From the moment you walked into your apartment everything felt off. You were still trying to wrap your head around everything you'd found out about Billy in the last two days. Not to mention what if he had been telling the truth? Did that mean Maria's death was in a way your fault?

Hours passed and every noise made you do an undignified jump. You couldn't keep this up. You finally hit Alice's number to call her, you'd already checked in with everyone else. The moment she answered she said "Thank fuck! Babe I've been terrified something happened to you! Curtis called but a message of Y/N is alive and safe is very fucking shady!" You let out a small laugh at her sounding like the mother hen for once "I'm sorry Alice I just couldn't let anyone else get drug into this mess. It's almost over"

You heard Kenzie in the background and Alice got quiet for a moment and you heard her say "Why didn't you ever tell me?" After a moment of hearing them talk you called Alice's name. Kenzie was the one to speak into the phone "Y/N.. There's something you need to know" "Which is?" You felt your stomach knot up. You couldn't handle much more. 

"Billy has been coming to appointments for the last year. I legally couldn't tell you or Alice but now that he's a wanted fugitive or so the news said I think you need to be privy to some of what was said" you took a moment to steady yourself before saying "Ok" "Tell her!" You could hear Alice in the background.

"Y/N he may have hinted to some of what he did. He never wanted to hurt you but he said that he was willing to do whatever it took to keep you alive" you closed your eyes against a flood of emotion. "He was working with Rawlins. The man behind the drugs that were being smuggled from Kandahar. Kenz he knew the attack was happening. He let my sister be killed!" Your voice had taken a bit of a frantic tone and you flinched slightly.

"Y/N breathe. Come on do it with me..in and out" it wasn't the first time Kenzie had helped you through an anxiety attack so you followed her directions. After a moment she said "I didn't tell you that to add any guilt to you but maybe there is more than you've been shown? He's kept a check on you since you split. I didn't even tell Alice that" after a moment you finally responded "Thank you Kenz. Can I talk to Alice?" You could hear the phone being passed back "Yeah babe?"

"You're not mad at her are you?" You couldn't stand thinking you'd caused any trouble for them. "No honey. I'm not mad at her. I am however worried about you. Do you need us to come over?" "No um I'll call you later ok?" "Ok. We love ya" once she hung up you laid your phone down on the kitchen counter. All of your family you still had was accounted for except for Frank.

You were reaching for a bottle of water when a knock at the door made your hand fly to the gun at your back. Chances were it was a neighbor or maybe even Karen or maybe Frank had called Matt but you gripped the gun nonetheless.

You unlocked the door and aimed the gun to be on chest level before opening it. 

A haggard looking Billy dressed in his stealth gear with a large duffel bag thrown over his shoulder stared back at you "Let me in"

You knew if you didn't shoot him now chances were he could get the gun out your hand and drop you within seconds but staring at him you couldn't pull the trigger. You let your hand fall but lifted your head as you said "If you're gonna kill me go ahead. Paint one more bullseye on your ass for Frank" 

An honest emotion of disgust flicked across his face mixed with pain? "You really think I came here to kill you? That I could do that? Even if you did shoot me" he sounded hurt? How the hell was he hurt? "You let them kill Maria and the kids. You let them take Frank" his gaze fell to your feet before he said "Let me come in for five damn minutes then I'll leave"

Worse case? He killed you. Best case? Frank would find him here and kill him. Either way you stepped back and let him in but kept the gun in your hand. "Why did you let Rawlins kill Maria and the kids?" You asked keeping enough distance between the two in hopes of at least having a chance if this was all an angle.

"Y/N you don't understand I didn't know they were targeting Maria and the kids until it was too late. He told me a team would go after Frank. Only Frank" without thinking you slapped him the shock spreading across his face matched your own emotions "So offering your best friend, your brother on a silver platter was ok?" Your voice didn't shake when you spoke and a part of you was proud of yourself for holding it together this far.

He took a tentative step towards you but stopped at the look on your face "Sweetheart I did what I did so we could have a better life. It was just looking the other way while higher ups smuggled some drugs. It wasn't that big of a deal and you and I both know alone Frank could take out any damn squadron" you laughed a humorless bitter sound before saying "Billy listen to yourself. You smuggled drugs in the bodies of dead soldiers. Rawlins used all of you as personal hit men. You didn't lift a fucking finger when you knew they were after Frank and ended up costing Maria, Lisa and Frank Jr their lives. You shot Frank then stood there when Rawlins tortured him! I don't give a damn what you thought. Get out"

"IT WAS TO SAVE YOUR GODDAMN LIFE" he had tears in his eyes when he spoke. "What?" You asked taking a step backwards "I had a choice, if I warned Frank Rawlins was coming after him he'd take you instead. He would've kept you alive for days Y/N, I've seen him do it and I couldn't take that chance" 

"So I'm the reason Maria is dead?" Your voice was barely a whisper. "No sweetheart, don't do that to yourself. I'm the reason" 

Your voice and hands were shaking when you met his eyes, the eyes you had loved looking into for so many years and said "Get out my apartment and get out my life. The man I loved would never have done the things you've did. Marine lieutenant William Russo. That's who I fell in love with, who I still love. CEO Billy Russo is a soul less bastard who'd sell me out for a quick buck. Now leave before I call homeland and save everyone some trouble"

He took a deep breath then said "I gave up Frank both times to save you. Rawlins would've gladly tortured you. Hell that way it would've hurt me and Frankie. Tell you what Y/N you can hate me until the day I die but at least you're alive to do so. I have never loved anyone as much as I still love you. I had to let you know it was real. All of it. The way I felt about you..how bad it hurt seeing you walk away. Seeing you with Murdock hurt more than any bullet. Every damn night I see Maria, Lisa and Frank Jr..believe it or not I still mourn them too. Frank was my brother and now I'm going to face him tonight where this all started and neither of us may not walk away. I deserve whatever happens to me tonight and I hope one day even if I'm dead you'll come close to forgiving me" 

He took a step towards you and when you didn't life the gun up he kissed your cheek "goodbye Y/N" and put a large envelope in your hand "This explains some things" was the last thing he said before he turned and walked out not giving you a chance to say anything.

You slid down the wall, dropping the envelope next to you and when your ass hit the floor you finally broke. Every inch of pain from the last year and a half hit you at once. You cried for Maria, Lisa, Frank Jr. You cried for Billy..you cried for Frank and you cried for what life could have been if Rawlins had never been born. 

That rat bastard had destroyed your family. God why couldn't Billy had just seen you were happy with him? You hadn't needed a so called better life you'd just wanted him. Why hadn't he just let Rawlins kill you? Then him and Frank could've taken out Rawlins together back then. Hell he would've found someone new.

A thought occurred to you about what Billy had said. He was meeting Frank where everything started. You wiped your eyes and got to your feet and grabbed your phone, bag and keys and was dialing Madani's number as you hailed a taxi while tucking the gun in your hand under your jacket. You couldn't roll over yet. You could still save at least one of them.

\------------------

The taxi dropped you off not far from the carousel. You handed him a twenty "Keep the change" and started running. You spotted the headlights from Dinah's car. She threw it into park and ran after you.

You slowed when you saw the blood covering the entire carousel. "Oh god" she breathed. You shook yourself then jumped up onto it. "Frank!" You prayed you weren't too late. When no reply you were scared you were.

"Y/N over here!" Dinah hollered so you ran around the horses to where she was kneeling next to an unconscious Frank "He's got a pulse" you went to your knees next to him checking over his injuries "Gunshot to the shoulder, one stab wound through the forearm and two to the torso. All in all blood loss and the previous trauma made him collapse. Call two ambos and help me find Billy!" You told her as you worked to bandage Frank the best you could.

You were done with Frank and could hear sirens in the distance when Dinah called your name. You took your jacket off and slid it under Frank's head before going to her. You nearly collapsed when you saw the shape Billy was in "Go to Frank" you managed. She nodded and ran back to Frank. You went to your knees at Billy's side. God his face was shredded. There was glass sticking out everywhere. He barely looked human. "Please don't be dead" you whispered and felt for a pulse. It was there but barely. You couldn't do anything for his face so you bandaged the stab wound in his abdomen and kept a finger on his pulse until the ambulances rolled onto scene. 

\-------------------------------

You spent the next few days between Frank and Billy's rooms being watched by agents and officers of every rank. You didn't care what they thought of you. You felt like your life was once again in shambles. You had told Karen and Curtis to stay away from the hospital. You didn't want to drag them in but when Dinah had suggested you get a lawyer there you called Foggy and Matt. You trusted them and could work any payment out later.

\-------------------------

You were standing in the hallway between the rooms when Matt and Foggy were escorted onto the floor. Seeing them was nearly enough to make you start crying again. "Thank you two for taking on another hopeless case" Matt grinned and said "That's kind of our thing"

Dinah stepped out of the room that had been turned into a command post of sorts. You looked between them "I want to answer any questions head on ok?" They both nodded then trailed you into the room. 

Dinah introduced you all to Rafael Hernandez, her superior at Homeland then to Marion James the woman over the section of CIA Rawlins had been you knew it was time for threats to be made because of what you knew.

Foggy and Matt stood on either side of you as you faced them. Marion was the first to speak questioning your involvement in everything that had went down. "Miss Y/N this was an unfortunate incident for us all but we need assurances that you won't let the full story out because it could be bad for everyone"

Foggy barely shook his head and Matt touched your shoulder but they both knew it wasn't any use. You caught Dinah's eye and she gave you the closest to a go ahead look she could so you spun to face Marion. "Miss James you do realize what you just had the nerve to call an unfortunate incident was damn near everyone I love in this world being killed or nearly killed. Now before I walk out this room I need some reassurances for everyone involved on my end and before you make any vague threats I know what I'm looking at if I face all of you but I will walk straight out of here and to the bulletin and tell them everything I know then even if an accident happens to me. It'll be plastered on the front page and too late to take back"

Marion looked at Dinah and Rafael "She means every word" Dinah said. Rafael was clearly biting back a smirk at you refusing to back down even in the face of two different government agencies. "Mr Hernandez I know your branch has been cleaned out from Wolf's influence. Russo took out the agents still under his command so I trust you the most. Do we have a deal?" "Yes ma'am" he replied so you pointed back at Matt and Foggy "These are my lawyers. Matthew Murdock and Franklin Nelson. They're here to help me negotiate for my guys"

\--------------------

You stood at the foot of the hospital bed staring at the body wrapped in gauze. "Eleven hours under the knife. They said he may never wake up" the words repeated in your head chased around by everything he'd told you before he went to face Frank. You'd expected one of them to die but you hadn't expected one to nearly die and the other to possibly be left a vegetable.

If Billy ever woke up he would be still be facing a list of charges a mile long and probably the rest of his life behind bars. The fact that Sam Stein had woke up from his coma and testified to the fact that Billy had stopped someone on his team from killing him had kept the death penalty at bay and your threats to go public had made a few of the murder charges disappear on him and had gotten Frank some sort of a life back from under everything he did as the Punisher it wasn't a lot but you'd done what you could for them both.

A part of you felt like it had died on that carousel. Seeing so much blood having been spilt from the two people who meant more to you than anyone hurt something deep within you and you weren't sure how to heal it. You felt a hand touch your back and jumped before you realized it was Frank "Ready to go kid?" You glanced back at the bed then nodded. 

There was nothing you could do for Billy now besides check in on him when you could and unlike Frank you didn't have a new identity or plans to hit the road for a while. You weren't mad at Frank for leaving. What happened with Billy had been a deep blow to him as well. Him and David had spent the last few days giving testimony. The Liebermans had invited you and Frank both for a Thanksgiving dinner but neither of you felt up to that. Karen would be going with him out of town for a little while but then she had to get back to work. 

As for you, your vacation days were up and like it or not you had to keep pushing forward. "Bye Billy. I'll come back in a couple days" you whispered before following Frank out.

  
  



	40. Chapter 40

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok guys, gals and my good folks we've hit the "canon? Bitch I don't know her" part of the story. Hold tight to your asses shit is about to start getting dramatic as a mid day soap opera lol

"Y/N It's been almost a month..you aren't curious just what's in that envelope?" Alice asked while the two of you walked out the hospital from dropping a patient off. "I am! Believe me, I am but as bad as I hate to admit it.. I don't want to be alone when I see whatever it was Billy thought was so important for me to have" 

You were proud of yourself any time you managed to say his name without your voice breaking. It was hard seeing him in the shape he was. There were guards on his door twenty four even though so far there hadn't been much change in his condition. The only reason you were allowed in the door was because Dinah had called Mahoney who had given you a pass. You were allowed into his room once a week for thirty minutes. It wasn't a lot and he probably didn't even know you were there but what was important was that you knew you were there. 

Once the two of you were in the ambulance and headed back to the station house she said "Why haven't you said something? I would've already came over for a night to hold your hand while you open it" you shot her a smile "I may call Karen and get her to come too, Pete's supposed to be back in town this weekend" you'd let her in on Frank's new persona so the two of you could freely talk about him in public or at the station house.

You chanced a glance at her since the two of you were stopped at a red light "Is he still acting off towards you?" You sighed with a nod "I don't know what it is. You don't think he really does blame me on some level? I mean if Billy hadn't picked the way he had" "Hell no. He loves you. He would never hold you still being alive against you. Why don't you just ask him? I mean you've never had a problem with being blunt" you laughed because from anyone else that would sound like an insult but coming from Alice you knew it was a compliment. "I may do just that" 

\------------------------

The rest of the shift was nothing unusual. Of course Hunter slipping in the bays and almost knocking himself out on the corner of the firetruck caused a round of laughter once everyone made sure he was ok.

While you were gathering your stuff to leave the next morning you were on the phone with Curtis to see if he needed any help with the soup kitchen. "Y/N are you sure? I mean you're coming off a twenty four hour shift" you zipped up your bag and shrugged which caused Alice to roll her eyes "You're on the phone babe. Curt can't see that shrug" you stuck your tongue out at her and she laughed so you said "Curt I'm getting off now. Soup kitchen isn't till four. I can go home, shower and take a nap. Please? I can't stand the quiet of my apartment quite yet" he let out a breath then finally said "Ok. I'll see you then"

Alice was leaned against the wall watching you so you waved a hand "Go ahead Hendricks" she put her hands up in a defensive manner "Don't shoot the messenger but are you still seeing Kenzie in office? I mean are you working through the trauma of finding two of the people you have known and loved for years half dead?" "I'm facing it a little at a time. If I go all or nothing I may just break down" you admitted and she held her arms out so you walked into them. She hugged you tightly then said "No shame in breaking down honey" you nodded then finally said "I promise, I'm as ok as I can be given the circumstance" she let you go but held your gaze for a second "If you ever need me I'm here ok?" You smiled "I know"

\------------------------

You walked to your apartment in silence. The air had the crispness of winter starting to it. Lisa and Frank Jr would be wanting to go ice skating, Maria would be talking about Christmas dinner. You hugged your jacket tighter around you trying to ward off the coldness of your mind. It was your fault they were dead. Billy had put your life ahead of Frank's and it had ended up costing all of you everything. Maybe that was why Frank had barely spoken to you since the fight. Maybe he was trying not to hate you but maybe the thought kept popping in his head as well that maybe if Billy had just told him, even if it had cost your life Maria and the kids could've been spared.

You were jarred out your thoughts by a text alert going off on your phone. You pulled it out and smiled when you saw Leo's name. "Mom wants to know if you're still planning to come to Christmas dinner" damn you'd actually forgotten about Sarah's invite. You texted back "Unless I end up assigned a shift at the last minute I'll be there kiddo" she sent back a few smiley emojis. You formed a friendship with all the Liebermans, even managing to win Zach off with a few gnarly tales of injuries you'd seen on the job. David still side eyed you at times so you'd call him micro with an attitude to your voice to make a smile sneak onto his face. It was weird seeing a halfway functional family. Kenzie had set them up with a family therapist she knew and trusted so they were working through their issues.

Even Sam was making strides in his physical therapy but again hearing from Sam how Billy had stopped him from being killed, from Sarah how Billy had stopped her and Zach from being hurt. It fucked with your head. You'd went through hell since Maria and the kids had been killed and he'd known the entire time. He'd left Frank out in the cold when he could've just told him the truth. 

You shook your head and realized you'd made it to your apartment so you headed inside. At least you had helping Curtis to look forward to.

\-----------------------------

When you left the soup kitchen you still felt a sense of unease. You pulled out your phone and started a new group chat with just Karen and Alice. "I need to know what's in that envelope. My place thirty minutes?" Alice texted back "I'll grab Chinese food" and Karen texted back "I'll bring the wine" you smiled at just how fast the two of them had been willing to give you their night and wondered if maybe Alice had already called Karen. 

Thirty minutes later you were sitting on your couch next to Karen while Alice sat on the floor between your legs "Open it!" She said handing the envelope out to you from where it had sat on your counter for the last few weeks. You leaned forward and downed the rest of your glass before tearing the envelope open. There was a letter, and two more smaller envelopes. "Letter first?" You asked and they both nodded.

You unfolded the piece of paper and your stomach flipped when you recognized Billy's handwriting. You felt your hands start shaking slightly and shook your head "I can't do this.here Karen you read it!" You handed her the letter so she took it gently from your hand then cleared her throat before she started reading aloud.

_ Y/N, _

_ I've written this letter more than a dozen times just to turn around and burn it. I'm sorry, from the very pit of my soul please believe that. When Rawlins first came to me I didn't want to help him but he made a point, I was in love with you and didn't have anything worth while to offer. Christ if I had known then what I know now I would've shot the bastard in the face. I've hurt you in ways I can never take back or make up for. When I was given the choice of you being in his crosshairs or Frank...shit I didn't know what to do. On one hand my first instinct was to tell you everything then and there but Rawlins knew where you worked, where you lived and I'd see the shit that man was capable of. I split with you an hour before calling him and telling him to kill Frank. Yes I handed my best friend over on a silver platter. I'm not proud of it and I regret not making a different decision every day but I would never regret knowing you're still alive even if you hate me. When I got the call about Maria and the kids I knew how hard it would hit you. Please know that night we spent together I meant it. I just wanted to make your pain go away but before you woke up the next morning Rawlins somehow found out Frank was still alive so I was again handed the choice "Help me hunt down Castle or I'll carve his location out of your little medic" I've made a thousand shitty decisions but loving you isn't one of them. You may not believe a single word in this letter but I had to tell you. There's two more envelopes along with this. One holds the deed to the cabin, it's yours. Maybe just maybe you can remember me in a better light there. The other envelope holds information for a bank account in your name. There's fifty thousand in there, use it however you see fit. I already made sure you had a new vehicle at work maybe now you won't be walking so much. There is also a paper trail to prove not a penny of that money came from Rawlins. It was all honestly earned. I love you. _

_ Billy _

You sat there staring at the letter in her hands by the time she was done reading. "Oh my god" Alice breathed opening the two other envelopes and reading over all the paperwork. "Y/N are you ok?" Karen asked and you numbly shook your head "What am I supposed to do with the money? I don't want it. I make enough at my job. I own this apartment" her and Alice shared a look and you realized it was because you weren't reacting at all. 

"Y/N, babe..it's us. Blow up. Cry. Just react please" Alice said and that seemed to finally break through "Why did he do any of the shit? Did he not fucking love me enough to see how much I loved him? We could've been fucking happy just being together. He fucked it all up for his warped idea of accomplishment and ruined everyone's lives because of it! He says he loves me but I honestly don't know if he ever did. I've lost Maria and both kids and now I think I've lost Frank too" you were crying by that point and finally broke down sobbing. They both moved to have their arms around "Kenz said it was coming" Alice said quietly as you allowed them to hold you.

After a few minutes your crying had slowed to a few hiccups so Karen pushed your hair back from your face "Sweetie, I understand how you must feel but please know you haven't lost Frank" "Why won't he talk to me Kare?" You asked and she gave a small smile "He feels guilty. I can't say any more than that but I promise as soon as he hits New York he'll come see you ok?" You nodded and a wave of embarrassment suddenly hit you "Oh god I must look like an idiot" "No you don't" Alice said and Karen nodded in agreement "You look like someone who's been through a lot and who has held it together for far too long" you managed a smile and said "Can we drink now?" Alice scoffed "Bitch please. Drinking is always an option"

\-----------------------

The rest of the week you had to admit you'd felt a little better after breaking down. Thursday afternoon you went to the hospital for your thirty minutes.

The process took about an hour to get into the room. You stood by the door for a few seconds before slowly walking over to the bed. The body laying there still didn't resemble anything near Billy. The height was all that was the same. The bandages had yet to come off.

You sat down next to the bed and listened to the machines. "Billy I don't know if you can hear me. I don't know if you'll ever wake up" you stopped when you felt your throat getting tighter with unshed tears. After a moment you continued "I don't know why you thought I needed money. I just wanted you. I don't know if you ever felt as deeply for me as I felt for you. When I met Maria I finally learned what familial love was. I was content with just that then she met Frank and Frank was always telling me stories about the smooth talking Billy the beaut. When I met you I never thought I would've fell in love with you. I guess a large piece of my heart will always belong to you. I don't regret it, I just wish things would've been different. I wish you would've just let me go. I know he's moving forward now. He loves Karen even if they're both too scared to admit it but every morning I wake up. I'm reminded I'm the reason they don't and it kills me"

You sat with him for a while long before knocking on the door. The cops gave you everything back and told you to have a good day. They didn't really understand why you came but Mahoney must have told them to not be rude or maybe it was a mutual respect thing despite the rivalry between NYPD and FDNY.

\----------------------------

When you walked out your phone started ringing. It was Karen's ringtone so you answered on the second ring. "Are you going to be home around nine?" You were a little thrown by her of all people not saying hello. "Why hello Karen. Nice to talk to you and why yes I'll be home at that time" the hospital visits always put you a little on edge so maybe that was the reason for the extra sass. She laughed and said "Sorry he's just wanting to know" you knew who she meant. "Oh. Ok. Yeah I'll be there" after the two of you said your goodbyes and she hung up you checked the time. There was still two hours to kill.

\---------------------------

You were leaning against your kitchen counter nursing your third cup of coffee when a knock at your door nearly made you throw it. You weren't sure why you were so nervous. Hell it was Frank.

You sat your cup down and hollered "I'm coming!" You took a deep breath before finally opening the door. When you opened it he was standing there with his hood pulled up. You managed a smile at seeing him. "Hey" "Hey" you realized he was left standing in the hall so you stepped back quickly "Shit. Sorry please come in"

He walked in and as soon as you shut the door and turned to face him he pulled you into a hug. "I missed you too but I can't really breathe" you managed and he pulled away "Sorry" you smiled "No problem. Um I've got coffee made?" "Sounds good" he nodded so you lead the way into the kitchen. You poured him a cup and handed it to him then waited for him to talk. "I've been doing some thinking and we've never really talked about that night. What happened between me and Bill" 

You felt your stomach lurch at the memories "You don't owe me anything Frank. Whatever happened you both survived. That's what counts" he nodded then said "We damn near killed each other" you almost laughed at his words "Yeah I know. I was the one that kept you both alive until Dinah got ambulances there"

He looked up to meet your eyes then "I never did thank you for that did I? I guess I just got used to getting hurt and you patching me up" you shrugged one shoulder "that's what family is for"

You took a sip of your coffee and a part of you hoped he'd stop there but he sat his cup down. "Y/N I've got to tell you the truth" "Ok" you sat your cup down next to his and leaned against the counter staring up at him. "I baited him into that fight. I said horrible shit about you and I've been too damn guilty to face you" "Frank it doesn't matter" you hated knowing he'd felt any guilt. He shook his head "No it does. Y/N.. I called you pathetic and broken and told him killing you would've done the world a favor"

"That would probably hurt if I didn't agree with it. I should've been killed. I wish I would've been" you didn't realize you were crying until Frank wiped a tear from your cheek "C'mon now sweetheart, don't say that. I've lost too much, don't make me think about losing you too. I'm glad he kept you alive. At least he did one thing right" 

"We're family Frank. Me and you are stuck together. Whatever you said to Billy doesn't matter. Don't you dare hold any guilt for that. What you said doesn't change anything and I know you didn't mean it" 

He nodded then said "I'm gonna start checking in with you more. I'm sorry I haven't here lately" "It's ok Frank. I know you've went through hell" "So have you sweetheart. So have you" 

  
  
  
  



	41. Chapter 41

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter will have a year time jump so it'll be around the time Billy busts out the hospital but this time for am entirely different reason ;)

Eventually you once again found a new normal. Frank would be gone for up to two weeks at a time. You knew was adjusting but you also knew he'd always find his way back to you and to Karen.

You started a bi-weekly get together for your weird little family as Foggy so lovingly called it. Sometimes it would be most of you crowded around the Liebermans table and kitchen counters then sometimes it would just be a couple of you with takeout containers sitting on the floor of your apartment shooting the shit about your week.

  
  


The pain in your chest was still there but seemed a little less hollow some days. You had people you cared about and who cared about you. Every day you made sure to send out a text to each of them even if it was just to tell them you were thinking of them. After losing so much you cherished them all that much more.

\--------------------------

Months had passed since the fight, you were going to the hospital for your weekly visit with Billy. Afterwards the plan was for you to meet Alice at the dress shop for another fitting. There was only a few months left until her and Kenzie's wedding. 

So far there hadn't been much change with his condition. The bandages were still in place though he had finally healed to the point they were there more for protection of the wound than for any bleeding or fluid leaking as they had been. You were allowed to visit but by law his doctors couldn't tell you much. You still had a small flame of hope that he may wake up.

\--------------------------

You walked off the elevator and the cops at his door glanced up but relaxed when they saw you "Hey Y/N" "Hey Morris, Valdez" Morris moved to open the door for you and let you walk in. You had gotten used to his state so it was at least no longer a shock to your system.

You moved to sit in the chair next to his bed. His doctor had told you there was a chance he could hear things going on around him, not that it changed anything. Hell you talked to him every visit before that. "Hey Billy. I'm headed to Alice's final dress fitting. The wedding is in two months. God feels like I just met her but also feels like I've known her my entire life. I know I'm going to cry like an idiot, I always dreamt of that being us but life had other much harsher plans. Your doctor said you can hear me. I just wish I knew what's keeping you trapped in your own head. No matter how big of a part of me wants to hate you, I'd also love to see those dark brown eyes staring back at me. I just need to know you're ok" you stared at his chest for a second watching the steady rise and fall. 

The sleeve of the scrub top they had him in had ridden up to show the scar from where you'd shot him. You could find the humor in the fact that you'd left a scar with a paintball back when the two of you had just been friends then left a scar from a real gun after he'd stolen your heart. 

Eventually your thirty minutes clicked over and Valdez opened the door "Y/N. Times up" he shot you an apologetic smile so you smiled in return "Thanks" you gathered your things and walked out the door hearing it click behind you. 

\---------------------------

You were almost to the elevator when you heard someone call your last name so you stopped to see a dark haired woman limping towards you. "And you are?" You asked not trying to hide the annoyance you were feeling. She extended her hand "Krista Dumont. I'm the psychotherapist assigned Mr Russo's case" 

"Ok, what's that got to do with me? I never get in anyone's way" you made a point especially considering you worked with this hospital daily when you were on duty. She nodded "Oh I'm aware. I just felt the need to tell you myself, I think these visits are counter productive to him healing"

"Counter productive? What the fuck does that mean?" You could feel yourself getting more pissed by the second and she could apparently tell that as well. "Well I've been made aware of some of Mr Russo's past. Seems like you were a rather large part at one time" you scoffed at that "Yeah you could say that" 

She smiled again and you were suddenly hit with the urge to wipe that smile off her face. "Surely someone as intelligent as yourself can understand that sometimes the only way to move forward is to leave the past behind" "So you're trying to say I'm the reason Billy isn't awake?" You asked with a bitter laugh. 

She shrugged "I'm just looking out for what's best for my patient" you felt that little thread of your patience snap. "Look here Krista was it? I'm the reason he was alive when he got to this hospital. I know more about that man than anyone on the face of this earth and you're telling me I'm hurting his healing? Did ya get your license as a prize in the cracker jack box?" 

"Now Y/N there's no need to be irate" her condescending tone made you clench your jaw and your hands "No I think there is. You're a bitch and a dumb one at that" Valdez had spotted the confrontation and walked over "Y/N, everything ok?"

You were glaring at her like you were waiting for her damn hair to catch fire but you felt some of the fight leave you when she said "I was just reminding Y/N that if I had to get a restraining order out on her, it would make her line of work difficult if she can't deliver her patients to the hospital"

You looked from her to Valdez and back again. "Want me to call Sarge to come down here and clear things up?" He offered but you shook your head. You pointed at Dumont "I don't know what your deal is but I'm reporting you. I'll also get the S.A.C. for Homeland involved" she smiled "Feel free. Just stay away"

You turned and slammed the door open to the stairwell. There was no way in hell you'd wait for the elevator now.

\--------------------------

By the time you made it to the sidewalk your anger had turned to self doubt. Who knew maybe he could find some way to heal easier without you? The guilt of him choosing you over Frank not once but twice was something you carried with you daily. Every time you took flowers to the cemetery it ended with you sitting at the graves for hours. Crying sometimes, screaming others. You owed Frank a life you could never repay and at times it was easier on you when you went without seeing him even though it hurt to be away from the closest thing to a sibling you had. You felt guilty for still loving Billy.

Did you really want to be a constant reminder of that guilt if and when Billy woke up?

\------------------------------

You tried to plaster a smile on when you made it to the dress shop but Alice took one look at you and shooed everyone out. "What happened?" 

You told her about the entire confrontation with Dumont. "Oh babe. I am sorry!" She pulled you into a hug despite both of you wearing formal gowns at the moment. You shrugged "Maybe this is just the universe telling me to move on. That me and him need to be far away from each other. Hell whatever love he had for me got people hurt. Shouldn't I want to be far away from him?"

She tapped your head "Just cause that makes sense here" then touched your heart "Doesn't make it true here. Now do you want to finish this fitting or reschedule?" You shook your head "We finish, I've got to come back with Kenzie next week" she pulled you into another hug then called everyone back in the room.

\---------------------

Before you even made it home Karen was calling you. "Jesus did Alice send up the bat signal the moment I stepped out the building?" You asked in place of hello and she laughed lightly "Maybe? Are you ok?"

You took a deep breath then laughed, feeling tears prickling at your eyes "No. My life is so fucked up" "Oh honey. Do you want to come over?" You shook your head then said "I'm gonna head home and crash early. I'll call you in the morning" she sighed then said "Ok. Don't forget it's your turn and Frank will be back in town" you smiled despite yourself then said "I'll make sure to buy plenty of food" 

\---------------------------------

Unfortunately for you Dinah was neck deep in an investigation and it was about a week before she could make it to the hospital early enough to catch Dumont. In that time you had David run her name and outside the fact that her limp had come from her father jumping out a window with her in his arms, you hadn't been able to find out anything too incriminating.

You were walking out the station house when Dinah's black suv pulled up. She rolled down the window "Can I give you a ride?" You smiled slightly "You're not gonna offer me candy at least?" She held up a cup of coffee "I know this works better"

You climbed in and was sipping from the cup as she pulled back onto the road. "So I met with that weird ass doctor" "She gives you those vibes too huh?" You asked glancing sideways at her. She nodded then continued. "I have news. One is outside of risking a legal issue and possibly causing a restraining order to be put on you, I can't get you back in to see him because you're not part of Homeland so I can't throw my title around for you on this, I'm sorry" 

You shrugged "I expected as much" she let out a low whistle then continued. "He's awake" you nearly spit out the coffee in your mouth. "Way to bury the lead there Madani!" She raised one hand off the wheel but didn't meet your gaze when she added "He thought I was another doctor so it appears he has some memory loss. If you want me to continue getting updates Mahoney has agreed to keep me in the loop if you stay out of it and I'll of course share the information with you"

You were silent for a moment processing what you'd just been told. You missed one week and he woke up. Maybe the quack had been right on that? After a moment with no response she said "Y/N?" You shook yourself and forced a smile "Yeah. Thanks Dinah" she smiled "No problem"

She pulled to a stop in front of your place and before you climbed out she said "Sam starts back in a month" your forced smile turned more genuine "Let me know the date so I can send an embarrassingly large bouquet of flowers to be waiting on him" she let out a laugh at that. "Will do"

\--------------------------

You didn't know how to breach the subject of Billy being awake so you texted Karen and asked if her and Frank minded showing up early. Kenzie's mom had made a surprise visit, and the Liebermans were busy so it was just the three of you along with Curtis,Matt and Foggy but you wanted to talk to them alone.

You were balancing the takeout containers on your counter when Frank knocked once on your door then opened it up "How many times do I got to tell you to keep that locked?" Karen laughed from behind him "I texted her that we were coming up the elevator Frank!" "Oh"

He came into the kitchen and pulled you into a hug then eyed the containers "What'd you get?" You laughed and said "Food in a minute. We um need to talk?" Karen caught your eye and said "I'll let anyone else in, go ahead" 

You lead the way into your bedroom and sat on top of the low dresser that ran along the wall. "He woke up."

You took a deep breath to try to calm down before finally saying "My life is so far off from what I ever thought it would be but from what Dinah says he has memory loss. I've been barred from the hospital apparently I was a hindrance to him. But you're still here and you're trying this thing with Karen which means you're healing. Maybe he's faking, maybe not.I don't know. He's done horrible things and he knew that. He told me he deserved whatever happened to him that night. Do I miss him? I miss the Billy he was when we were together. Do I still love him? Yes at least a part of me still loves a part of him. Do I still wish everything was different? Hell yes. Rawlins fucked us all over and I wish we could kill him more than once but there it is"

Frank nodded then said "Ok. Y/N sweetheart, I don't know why a doctor barred you but really he's not a lot of my concern. If he ever walks out that hospital he's headed to prison. I still hate him for not telling me, for working with Rawlins to begin with and for hurting you but I don't hold it against you for still caring about him, hell that's just who you are. You've always had a good heart" he pulled you into a hug and you let out a breath you hadn't realized you'd been holding. 

A soft knock at the door drew yours and Frank's attention. "Matt and Foggy are here" you smiled at Frank and offered him your hand "C'mon Frank if they're here Curt ain't far behind" he let you pull him out the room and you noticed a small smile slip onto his face. At least you still had him, you really didn't know what you would done if you'd lost him on top of everyone else. 

\-----------------------------

You were sitting next to Matt on the floor when Karen laughed "Oh Foggy! You and Curtis haven't seen the photos Alice sent me of Y/N in her dress for the wedding!" 

You sent her a playful glare because you knew she was purposely trying to make you laugh. While the guys made a big deal over the photos you leaned over on Matt's shoulder and whispered "They don't know I tried that one on for the hell of it. My real dress is completely different"

He grinned and Frank raised an eyebrow "Hey now! No whispering, isn't fair Red can hear better than any of us! Murdock what'd she say?" Matt shook his head "I'll never tell"

You listened to them go back and forth and couldn't help but imagine back when you and Billy were together, how get togethers were always similar to this. Lots of laughs and everyone just blowing off steam. You were bought back into the conversation by Karen telling Frank she was going as your date to the wedding "Y/N you moving in on my territory?" 

You winked at Karen "I'll bring her back in one piece Frankie. I promise" 

  
  



	42. Chapter 42

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NSFW warning. Like dude alot happens

No matter how much time passed it didn't change how often you thought about Maria and the kids or how often you thought about Billy. Most nights went by fine but sometimes you would have a bad day and you would end up crying yourself to sleep with the knowledge that Maria, Lisa and Frank Jr were dead because you were alive.

You loved Karen dearly and loved seeing Frank working towards being truly happy again. After about a year going back and forth on it he'd finally taken her up on her offer and moved in with her. He was working construction jobs under his Pete alias. Seeing the two of them together warmed your heart. 

Alice and Kenzie were coming up on their one year wedding anniversary. Foggy and Marci were living together. Curtis had been with his most recent girlfriend Candance for six months and you were fairly certain the two of them were going to end up being a long haul deal. Hell even Matt was dating a u.s. marshal he'd met. Her name was Lilith and if you were being honest she was one of the coolest people you'd ever met. 

You were happy or happier than you'd been in quite some time even if it probably seemed like you should be miserable surrounded by mostly couples. Yeah you could date if you wanted but it seemed like that part of your brain had shut off. 

Work was good, you always had someone to hang out with if you wanted on your days off, Frank was now permanently just across town. You'd found a little peace even if you knew there was something missing.

\--------------------

You had a day off so you'd offered to help Curtis with the soup kitchen. "Excuse me Mr Hoyle" you teased sliding behind him with another pot of chili to add to the line. "No excuse me Miss Y/N"

Your friendship with Curtis had always been an easy one. He'd fell into a big brother position as easily as Frank had where you were concerned not to mention he was literally one of the easiest people on earth to talk to. Even when you couldn't talk to Frank you knew Curtis was a safe place.

He glanced at his phone then cut his eyes at you "isn't it about time for Madani to do another check for you?" You nodded not taking your attention off the woman in front of you as you handed her a tray of food with a smile. 

Once the last person was through you turned to face Curtis "Should I let it go? I mean maybe Dumont was right. The week I stopped going he woke up the same week. Hell if he's ever cleared to leave the hospital he's facing many many years. Dinah thinks if she pushed it she could get him out the hospital sooner and into the medical ward of a prison up state. She just has to get Mahoney on board since it's technically his case. Part of me wishes he was dead.."

"But part of you wishes everything was different?" He offered when you trailed off and you ducked your head "does that make me a horrible person? After everything he's done?" 

He reached a hand out to rest on your arm "No it doesn't Y/N. It just makes you human. You were with him for years. Your heart is what saved Frank more than once when you waded into shit waist deep to patch him up. Billy got himself all turned around and he's paying for it and he'll continue to pay it for. I just hope one day him and Frank can find some peace from everything that happened...you too"

"Yea maybe" you said quietly and offered him a small smile before turning to face the next line of people waiting for their food.

\-------------------

You were walking home later still thinking over what Curtis had said. Maybe one day fate would see fit to let Frank and Billy both find peace. You just couldn't wrap your head around how. You would always be at odds with your own mind over what happened so you had no idea how either of them could come to terms with it.

You were so wrapped up in your thoughts you didn't hear your phone ringing until it was on the third chime. You dug it out your pocket and saw it was Dinah. "Dinah?" You answered crossing a street with a group of people to head back to your apartment.

"Y/N where are you?" Something in her voice made your stomach clench "headed home from helping Curt with the soup kitchen why?" A few seconds of silence passed before she finally said "Billy broke out the hospital" 

You stopped walking in the middle of the sidewalk and barely registered the guy that shoulder checked you. "What?" "Best Mahoney can tell he had an altercation with Dumont. The uniforms on the door intervened, he knocked them both out. One has a broken nose and the other has a dislocated shoulder. Dumont has staples in her head" 

"Shit" you were trying to slow your brain down enough to form a halfway coherent thought. "There's one more thing. I found a letter that Dumont tried to pass off as being from you. I think that may have set him off" "letter?" You didn't try to hide the confusion in your voice because you hadn't written Billy a letter since his last deployment years ago.

"That's what I thought. We knew something was off with her and now we have proof but we need Billy's statement to keep this from turning into another list of charges and a full fledged manhunt" you shook your head to clear your thoughts a bit then registered what she said "it's not a full manhunt yet?" 

"I'm hoping if the letter set him off he'll come find you. Even with the memory loss you live in the same place you did back then right?" So she was using you as bait? You decided to not take it personally then said "and if I get him to turn himself into Mahoney" "it's gonna go a lot better for him and we can go ahead and get him into the prison up state to start serving his time"

You ran a hand over your face then looked around "How long before it hits public? I've got to keep this from Fra-Pete " "Twenty four hours" you let out a breath you hadn't realized you were holding "if I hear from him I'll do my best to get him to turn himself in" "that's all I ask" she said then hung up which was usual for a phone call between the two of you.

\--------------------

The rest of the walk to your apartment you caught yourself glancing down every alley and looking at every face in the crowd even more so than you usually did. 

You started to stop off at the diner to get a bite to eat but decided against it. Your stomach felt like it was one giant knot. Somewhere in the city Billy was out there. His memory was fucked up, he was apparently in a horrible state mental wise if Dumont trying to pass off something as being from you had caused such an adverse reaction.

You were worried about him but had no idea where to start looking. His memory was back to being in the marines from what Dinah had been told by one of his doctors. If he went looking for Frank he'd find an empty lot where the Castle house once stood. Curtis had moved a few times since he lost his leg and came home so Dinah was right to assume Billy would come find you. 

The question lingering in your mind was how would you react? You hadn't seen him since he was still in a coma and the last time the two of you spoke was before him and Frank fought. 

Did he remember Rawlins? Did he have an inclination as to everything he'd had a hand in over the last few years? You looked up and realized you'd made it home sometime while you were thinking. 

You ran a hand over your face and headed inside. Maybe a hot shower would calm your nerves. At the very least it would wash off the day and maybe help you prepare mentally for whatever would come next.

\---------------------

The hot shower did help your nerves slightly at least. You were still thinking about Billy and the thought was now added into the mix as to what Frank would do if he found out but you hoped maybe something would happen within the twenty four hours that he wouldn't have to.

You had changed into leggings and an old t-shirt that you honestly weren't sure who it had belonged to before it ended up in your possession. Could have been Frank's, could've been Curtis'. Didn't really matter to you, it was worn enough it was soft to the touch. You left your hair loose not having the energy to fight with it.

You walked into the kitchen and grabbed a 

gatorade out the fridge. You needed to attempt to eat and you had left overs from the night before but your stomach was still a bit too twisted to attempt food. Every noise in the hall was making you have to ignore the urge to check.

You flopped down onto the couch and flipped the television on more for the noise than anything. Only a few hours had passed since Dinah called so who knew maybe he'd turned himself in? 

\--------------------

You had almost dozed off when you heard an almost tentative knock at your door. You sat up blinking a few times because you honestly weren't sure if you'd dreamed it or not. Before you could convince yourself it was nothing you heard it again.

You glanced at the time and saw it just a little after nine. Could be literally anyone from Karen to Alice to Curtis. Hell a few of the female vets had dropped by your place before so it could be one of them. You untangled yourself from the blanket you'd wrapped up in and padded across the floor smoothing a hand over your hair. "I'm coming!" You called so whoever wouldn't leave thinking you weren't home.

You leaned up to look out the peephole but only saw someone with a hoodie pulled up over their eyes. Your heart did a flip when you realized your gun was in the bedroom so you reached for the Louisville slugger Frank had long since stashed behind the door with your umbrellas.

You gripped the bat loosely and unlocked just the handle and deadbolt. The chain was reinforced it had been one of Frank's busy projects before he found work so you trusted it to hold. You slowly opened the door and barely registered the sound of the bat hitting the floor when your gaze finally met the dark brown eyes staring back at you. 

\-----------------------

"Y/N can I come in?" You nodded then closed the door long enough to unlock the chain and bent to pick up the bat before opening the door fully and stepping aside to let him in. He eyed it and you cautiously as he crossed the threshold and let his lips perk up in the barest hint of a smile "I know I look rough sweetheart but are you gonna bash my head in to add to it?"

You let your eyes skim across the scars littering his face. The worst was on his right cheek where large shards of glass had been embedded when you'd made it to his side. Frank had done a number on him and no matter how much your brain screamed he deserved it, your heart wanted to reach out and trace every new line on that face that was still just as capable of making your heart jump from being this close to him.

You looked blankly at the bat and shrugged "I don't plan to" you motioned towards the couch and he slowly headed that way so you shut the door then replaced the bat with the umbrellas then turned to face him.

\----------------------

You took a deep breath then pushed off from the door not missing the flinch he gave at the simple movement. If he was this on edge being here in your apartment how the hell had he managed in the city? 

"Billy?" You finally spoke and his eyes closed at your voice so you moved closer to him and sat gently on the edge of the couch leaving a cushion between the two of you. He slowly raised his face up to look at you and it shocked you to see tears in his eyes "Billy why did you break out the hospital?"

He pushed the hood back from his face and seeing his hair cut that close to his scalp was like a punch in the gut. He looked closer to how he had when he first met you so long ago. "My head..Y/N it's all messed. I don't remember shit I should. I um..why didn't you ever come back? The first thing I saw when I woke up was you walking out the room door. I wanted to see you but Doctor Dumont said you never came back" 

his face curled up in a sneer of disgust at her name and you made a mental note to find out exactly what the hell she'd done to him.

Hearing that he woke up to see you leaving and you'd never known was like a punch to the gut. "Billy.. I didn't know. Please believe me I came once a week when you first got hurt but she barred me from coming back. She threatened to get a restraining order and that would've fucked me up with work. I had someone getting updates on you but that was the best I could do" you took a shaky breath and he nodded "Madani? She was there because of you?" "She owed me" you admitted easily and saw the confusion in his eyes "I hurt you didn't I?" He asked after a moment keeping his gaze glued to his hands.

"I wouldn't even know where to start" you all but whispered and felt more than heard him move. His hand was hovering close to your cheek and you realized he'd started to push the hair behind your shoulder but stopped himself at the last moment "I know you won't lie to me so please just tell me everything. I want to know. I have to know"

You leaned forward just enough to let your face brush against his hand. You knew allowing yourself even such an innocent touch was a bad idea but you couldn't help it. Here like this? He was your Billy again.

You took a deep breath then pulled away from him so he would let his hand fall back to his lap "I'll start at the earliest thing I know and work my way through"

\----------------------

By the time you got to his involvement with Maria, Frank Jr and Lisa's deaths Billy's hands were shaking. Without thinking twice you covered his hands with your own. The surprise on his face was easy to see "You've got to turn me in. I won't run or fight them. I wanted to see you. I wanted answers. I got both"

"Why would you be willing to go back? You told me what it was like" your voice tried to break but you managed to steady it. Billy snatched his hands away from you and stood pacing across the floor twice before stopping a few feet from where you still sat on the edge of the couch "I deserve to be dead. I've done horrible things and if they were to find out I was here and you didn't call? I can't, I won't do that to you"

You got to your feet and approached him slowly, very aware of how much he looked like a wounded animal in that moment "Billy can you do me a favor? Just one thing" he nodded twice before finding his voice "anything you want"

"Can you hold me in your arms please? I just need to know what we had was real. That you actually felt the same way about me" your voice did break then and it only took him half a second to cover the area separating the two of you.

He pulled you into his arms and you let yourself melt against his chest even if you knew you shouldn't. 

"Listen to me Y/N. I have been in love with you for years. There is nothing on this earth that would ever change that. I will never stop loving you. Before I could even talk again I heard your voice. Screaming at me to hold on. You pulled me out of that dark don't ever think I don't love you"

"Even through everything I couldn't make myself stop loving you" you admitted then pulled back to look up at him and you weren't sure what came over you but you leaned up on your tip toes to press a kiss to his lips. It was supposed to be a goodbye, nothing more but the moment your lips met it was that same raw energy that had filled every kiss between the two of you.

He deepened the kiss pulling you closer to him as a light moan fell from your lips. "Billy" he pulled back from you suddenly breaking the kiss and resting his forehead against yours "God I've missed you"

You stepped back closer to him and looked up into his eyes then pulled him down for another kiss but this time he didn't break it. You felt his hands move down your back until they cupped your thighs and he was lifting you into his arms. 

You felt a bit light headed and weren't sure if it was from kissing him or just your brain trying to remind you how bad of an idea this was. You wrapped your legs around his waist and broke the kiss long enough to ask "do you remember where my bedroom is?" "I think I can manage" he answered with a smirk before capturing your lips again.

\--------------------

Billy put you down gently to your feet as soon as he crossed into your bedroom. His hands slipped under your shirt and you couldn't help but notice how they shook slightly. You stepped back from him and let your eyes skim across his face "Billy if you don't want to do this we can stop"

He shook his head as he watched you just as hungry as every time the two of you had ever been together "I just don't understand. Why don't I disgust you? My face. What I've done" you stepped back closer to him and tentatively reached to push the hoodie off his shoulders and smiled when he let you "Your scars don't bother me. As a matter of fact you're still unfairly good looking" 

His hands went to your hips when you reached for the hem of his shirt he nodded so you pulled it up and over his head allowing your hands to trail across the smooth expanse of his stomach taking special care to run your fingers across the new scars he'd gotten that night. "As for what you've done. A lot of it was to protect me. You're paying for it and you'll still be paying for it. None of that changes the fact that I love you"

He leaned down to let his lips meet yours in a probing kiss and when you gladly opened your lips to let his tongue slide into your mouth he groaned against you. "You're the best thing that ever happened to me" he murmured letting his lips trail down your neck savoring every sigh and moan he was able to pull from you. 

"Billy please" you managed between gasps and he arched an eyebrow "Please what?" You stepped back from him and pulled your shirt and sports bra over your head in one fluid motion then smiled at him "Please touch me" 

He walked forward forcing you backwards until your legs hit the mattress. He gently pushed you down on your back and made quick work of the boots he had on before climbing up over your body. "Here?" He asked before kissing your hip bone and smirking against you when your hips bucked up. "Or here?" He asked leaving a trail of open mouth kisses across your ribcage. 

When his mouth closed around the nipple of your left breast while his fingers found the right a moan left your lips that pulled a groan from him. "Oh my god Billy" you felt more than heard him chuckle before he started back down your body kissing and touching every inch he could. 

When he got to the waistband of your leggings he looked back up at you and that alone was nearly enough to make you come undone "I love you Y/N" "I love you too Billy" that seemed to be the push he needed because he pulled your leggings off and threw them somewhere behind him. Any other person on earth you would've left too exposed but the way he looked at you made you feel like the only woman on earth.

He lowered his mouth to your core and the first lick was slow like he was trying to memorize how you tasted on his tongue. A low moan left you and you reached for his hair which you were so used to grabbing in this position it was a shock to remember how short his hair was now. 

He added first one finger then another in with his tongue and you felt that familiar building in your stomach. His name fell from your lips somewhere between a curse and a prayer as he sucked on your clit while his fingers worked to push you over the edge. "Billy" you moaned before your orgasm washed over you leaving your vision slightly fuzzy at the edges.

When you finally came down enough to open your eyes fully Billy was leaning over you with a gentle smile on his face "Apparently I haven't forgotten everything" you gave a weak laugh "I should say not" you glanced down and saw he still had his pants on "You're over dressed Russo. Get naked and get inside me" "Yes ma'am" he responded with a wink.

He stood off the bed long enough to push his pants down to the floor then was back on top of you. His weight was so familiar that you felt yourself trying to clench just having him this close. He tilted your chin up to his and kissed you sloppily allowing you to taste yourself on him while his other hand lined himself up with your opening. He slowly slid in and your mouth fell open in a silent moan. The stretch was something you hadn't felt in so long. Every time with Billy felt like you were made for him and him for you.

He gave you a few seconds to adjust then lightly gave a thrust. When your response was your legs wrapping around his waist and your hands going to his shoulders that was the go ahead he needed. "God yes Billy" you moaned letting your nails bite into his shoulders which only seemed to spur him on as his thrusts got harder and deeper "You feel amazing baby. So wet and so tight"

It wasn't long and you felt another orgasm building "oh fuck Billy..I'm gonna" he nodded "go ahead baby. I'm not far behind" his fingers came down circling roughly on your clit as the pressure finally burst and washed over you a half second before you felt Billy come filling you up as he gave a few more lazy thrusts.

"I love you" his voice was so full of emotion as he kissed you then gently pulled out apologizing when you whined at the loss of contact. "I love you" you nearly whispered to keep the tears at bay now. The reality of what you'd just done struck you at once. "Oh my god" you whispered in disgust at yourself.

"Baby? What's wrong?" He asked sitting up next to you. You pulled the sheet up around you "Besides the fact that I just had sex with someone who doesn't remember the last decade of his life? Oh my god! I'm pretty sure that's equivalent to me being sober and you being drunk!" 

You were on the verge of a panic attack. Billy sat up and pulled you into his arms "Breathe with me baby. Come on" once you were calmer he made you meet his eyes "Y/N the one thing in my head that isn't complete chaos is you. When I couldn't remember how to walk or talk. I remembered you, how much I love you. You told everything before you ever let me touch you"

"I've missed you so much" you admitted breaking down in tears. "Come here baby. Let me hold you" he laid down next to you and opened his arms so you curled up on his chest. For a few moments you could let yourself pretend that what had to happen next didn't.

"What did the letter say?" You asked after a moment. You heard him swallow twice and glanced up to see that look of disgust on his face again "That you had come to the hospital to see if I was dead and was disappointed that I wasn't. That if I've ever cared about you, I'd kill myself at the first chance I got"

You felt an anger flick up in your stomach. God you were glad Dinah could bring that bitch down. You'd testify at any trial you needed to.

\--------------------

You almost drifted off in his arms. God help you felt safe and so fucking happy but right before you did he leaned down and kissed your forehead "Call them" you shook your head slightly "I don't want to"

He cupped your chin to make you look in his eyes "I love you more than I ever dreamed possible. Don't forget that but don't get stuck. Move on. Be happy. Please" You leaned up and kissed him trying to put all you felt into the kiss "I'm going to get cleaned up then we can call" you could tell he didn't like you ignoring his plea to move on but you couldn't do that. Not right then.

\--------------------

You stood in the middle of your living room holding your phone to your ear as Mahoney's cell number rang. Billy walked in and was looking at your photo wall. The one in particular was from the day he'd told you he loved you. Maria had taken it. 

You felt your heart clench as Brett's sleep ridden voice answered "Y/N? What's wrong?" You met Billy's eyes and swallowed hard before saying "Billy is here. He just got here about ten minutes ago. He wants to turn himself in to you" any sleep was gone when he said "Be there in ten" and hung up.

You dropped the phone into your jacket pocket and glanced back at Billy "We've got ten minutes" he walked over and pulled you into his arms "Let me hold one last time" you nodded and laid your head over on his chest. "I'll always love you Billy" "and I'll always love you Y/N"

Minutes passed before you pulled away and glanced up at him "If you don't want me seeing when they walk you out.. I need to leave" he nodded and let his lips brush against yours "Take care of yourself please" you nodded and headed for the door not trusting your own voice.

\---------------------

You stood in an alley across the street watching as Mahoney pulled away with Billy in the back of his car. Dinah had already called for your official statement but now the question remained were you strong enough to go back in your apartment alone?

You heard a noise behind you and jumped. Your breathing returned to normal when you saw the shadow at the back of the alley "Matt" you whispered. He took his mask off and you were glad he'd worn the black suit. It didn't look as conspicuous if someone saw the two of you speaking.

"Heard it on the police scanner?" You asked after a moment and he nodded "Figured you needed a friend" you held out a hand never thinking for a second he wouldn't grab it easily which he did "Thanks Matt"

He squeezed your hand and half smiled "You love him. It's ok to let yourself hurt" "I know" you said watching Mahoney's car until it disappeared from sight.

Now you had to act like what happened with Billy didn't happen. You had to pretend like he had simply gotten his answers then turned himself in and you had to face the rest of your life knowing he was behind bars because he'd been someone's lap dog to mainly keep you alive.

  
  
  
  



	43. Chapter 43

Weeks had passed since Billy turned himself in. He was in a prison upstate where he was getting the medical care he needed for the TBI and also serving on his sentence. When Frank found out that he had been picked up from your apartment you went with the official story that he had only been there about ten minutes when you called Mahoney. There were some things that not even Frank or Karen needed to know. You were just grateful Matt hadn't asked any direct questions. He'd simply stayed with you until he was sure you were ok on your own. 

Curtis had started making the trip every other week to visit Billy. You didn't know what the two of them talked about. After the first visit Curtis had brought a sealed envelope back with him that had a letter from Billy.

In that letter he asked you to not try to visit him and to move on with your life like he never existed. You weren't sure how to do that but you'd stuck the letter in your nightstand and tried to forget it was there. You understood why he wrote it but that didn't mean a part of you wouldn't always miss him but you knew he was right so you kept moving forward with the life you'd rebuilt.

\---------------------

You walked into the diner and glanced around until you spotted Matt sitting near the back wall. He'd asked if you wanted to have breakfast with him considering you two had been too busy with work to catch up and since you were working first shift and had plans for dinner with Frank, Karen and Curtis that evening it seemed like perfect timing.

You had almost made it to the table when he glanced up and you once again had to wonder if it was just your specific heartbeat he knew that well or if you needed new work shoes because maybe they gave off a noise your ears weren't sensitive enough to hear.

Kaitlyn walked over to the table and put your usual breakfast order down in front of you with a smile. "Good morning Y/N" "Morning Kaitlyn. Thanks" you replied and watched her walk away before turning your attention to Matt "How's your case going?" 

For a second you weren't sure he heard you because he did that tilted head thing like when he was listening to something far off but his attention was clearly on you. "Matty? You're doing that bat sonar face. What's wrong?" "Bat sonar?" He asked with a grin but you knew him well enough to be able to tell when he was deflecting "Spill it Murdock. What's wrong?" 

He shook his head and motioned around with a hand "could've sworn I heard something out of the ordinary" "like what?" You asked before taking a bite of your breakfast. You normally loved the eggs but for some reason they tasted too rubbery so you pushed them to the side of the plate and knew Matt knew what you'd did but he thankfully didn't ask instead he just shrugged "Nothing. I think I might have just heard a different ring tone or something, sort of sounded like a hummingbird"

"That's got to be a pain. I never thought about the fact that you can hear different alerts people have on their phones" he shrugged "I've gotten used to it" he still seemed a little off but you chalked it up to annoying alerts on other people's cells along with his case.Hell in your life no one you loved was without issue. Truthfully that was what made all of you fit together. No two of you had the same issues and they somehow all fit together well enough to form a family of sorts. 

He shook his head and finally went to talking about the case you'd asked about. The rest of breakfast you talked about everything from your most recent calls to the deal Dinah had brought to him and Foggy as Frank's lawyers. "You think it's worth him taking?" You asked and he nodded "It's a chance to work using the skills he has. Not to mention his record will officially be cleared of everything punisher related and he can have his name back" "I like the idea of him being cleared but I don't know about him having to do missions. I like him being safe-ish and I know Karen does too" "It's Frank Y/N. If anyone would be in danger it would be whoever Homeland is after besides they offered a consulting position to Curtis as well and a tech position to David so that's a good thing right?" you laughed lightly "You've got a point about Frank being the danger and Curt is always more level headed at least compared to the rest of us although David has had a habit of going along with whatever Frank says in the past"

He laughed "From what I hear you made an impression on Homeland too when you not only stole your gun back from their s.a.c. but threatened to shoot someone in their hallway" you laughed despite yourself "You know me Matty, always have to make an impression"

He nodded then grinned "And most of the time it's a good impression" you gasped playfully because you knew he was kidding "you know your life would be a lot more boring without me"

\---------------------

When the two of you were finished with breakfast Matt offered to walk you to the station house but you reminded him the courthouse was in the opposite direction. "No sir. Foggy isn't getting bitchy with me over you being late" you joked as you hugged him. He kissed your cheek and said "You know he won't get bitchy with you" then added "because he fears you" with a wink.

\--------------------

When you walked into the station house Alice met you at the door with a book of paint samples "I got these! I know you said you wanted to do something different with the interior of the cabin in hopes Frank would be more comfortable" you took them from her with a smile "Let me put my bag in my locker then we can brainstorm until a call comes in" 

She was trying to tell you how a few colors would work together as trimming and base paint and while you were desperately trying to pay attention the rubbery eggs from breakfast were apparently still playing with your stomach because you currently felt like the one and only time Curtis had talked you onto a sailboat years back. "Y/N..babe you look green" she observed with a worried look. 

You nodded "Yeah sorry Alice. I just feel a little sick to my stomach" you admitted and she stood and headed for her locker. She came back and held out a pack of saltines to you then said "I'll grab a gingerale from vending but I really don't think you need to be working. This is the third time you've complained with your stomach in the last two weeks. At first I thought it was still all that happened with Billy but now I'm thinking it could be all the flu patients we've been transferring here lately"

You sat back and chewed on the saltines and thought over what she'd said. You had been feeling under the weather a bit more often than usual. Maybe a trip to the doctor wouldn't hurt. As if she could read your thoughts Alice patted your leg "Go ahead and take off. I'll tell Chief and Jessie can hop on rig with me this shift. Call me when you find out what's wrong" "Thanks" you replied with a smile and headed to grab your bag out the locker. Hopefully your regular doc could see you and if not maybe an urgent care could give you a once over.

\--------------------------

Your regular doctor couldn't see you until a few days later so you headed for the nearest urgent care that accepted your insurance. 

You checked in then found a chair. There was only one other person in the waiting room so you figured it wouldn't take long to get in the back. Hell you may be able to take a nap and feel a little better by the time Frank, Karen and Curtis were supposed to be coming.

When the nurse called you in the back you gave her a run down of symptoms so she drew some blood and gave you a cup for a urine sample to rule out any uti's as a culprit for the nausea.

After you handed the cup over she told you the doctor would be in as soon as the results were back.

\------------------------

You were in shock as you sat staring at the piece of paper the doctor had just handed you. "Miss Y/L/N You're pregnant"

The results were in black and white right in front of you and you still couldn't believe them. "I've never missed a dose of my birth control, I haven't been on antibiotics. How the hell am I pregnant?" Your mind flew to the night spent in Billy's arms. 

You hadn't even thought about a condom. Hell everything had happened so fast and you had unprotected sex in the past on your birth control. You'd slept with Matt more than once without protection and nothing had come of it. You had apparently been over confident in it's effectiveness. "A number of things could affect your body and the pill itself is still only about ninety percent effective"

You felt another wave of nausea wash over you but this one was for a completely different reason. The nurse saw your hand fly to your mouth and offered one of the bags out. You waved her away "I'm good" she nodded so the doctor asked "Would you like to do an ultrasound and see just how far along you are?"

"Around ten weeks" you replied and she smiled "so I'm guessing only one partner then?" You nodded so the nurse stepped out to grab the portable ultrasound machine and rolled it in. You laid back on the table blankly staring at the ceiling as she applied the freezing gel to your stomach. 

You hadn't thought anything about not getting your period. They'd always been sporadic at best. 

You weren't paying much attention as she started to move the wand across your stomach but after she moved it around a bit you saw a small blip in the corner of the screen. It was just starting to form to look something similar to a baby. Your baby. Yours and Billy's baby. "And here's the heartbeat" she said a half second before a sound filled the room. It almost sounded like a hummingbird. "Strong heartbeat" she added and you realized with a start that was what Matt had heard at the diner. His hearing had picked up the baby's heart beat.

"Would you like to discuss options?" She offered once she turned the ultrasound machine off and cleaned your stomach. You shook your head "I'm keeping it. It's not ideal but I make well enough, I have some money saved up and I have family that I'm pretty certain will help" she nodded and hit the button to print off a photo and handed it to you "In that case congratulations"

\--------------------

You walked down the sidewalk staring at the ultrasound print. Billy didn't want to see you and besides knowing he'd gotten you pregnant would only make the whole situation worse on him. It was better he didn't know. The baby would be a teenager or older by the time he got out.

That still left your job and everyone you knew. Curtis would be understanding enough. Sarah and David would see it as yours no matter who helped make it, same as Matt and Foggy. Frank was who you were worried about. How was he going to react? He'd flipped just finding out Billy had been at your place. Now this?

You heard someone call your name and glanced up to see Ellison standing in front of you. You'd made it to the bulletin without realizing it "Y/N are you ok?" You forced a smile on your face and nodded "Yeah just came by to see Karen" he motioned up the steps with a smile "Well let me walk you in"

\---------------------

Karen wasn't surprised to see you but your face must have betrayed your emotions "Y/N? What's wrong sweetie?" You sat heavily in the chair across from her and dropped your bag to the floor "I need to tell you something but I need to know beforehand that you'll still be my friend. I can't lose you" 

She quickly came around the desk and squatted in front of you "There is nothing that would make me turn my back on you" she took your hands in hers and gave you a gentle smile "What's going on?" You pulled one of your hands free and reached into your jacket pocket and held out the ultrasound print "I'm pregnant Karen and it's Billy's"

"Oh" she was quiet while she looked between the print and your face then pulled you into a hug "I'm here for you..no matter what" whether it was her words, the shock or just a combination of everything you broke down crying as she held you "Thank you Karen" you managed between sniffles and she kissed your forehead "You don't have to thank me. We're family"

\---------------------

The plan Karen had come up with was simple enough. She'd stop by Curts on the way to your place to give him a heads up as to what was going on. You could go ahead and grab takeout and have a couple hours to clear your mind before she'd bring Frank over.

You had never been particularly close with your father and you hadn't spoken to your older brother in years but waiting to tell Frank you felt as close to a teenager finding out she was pregnant as you ever had. You and Billy loved each other and this baby was made from that even if it was nowhere near planned.

\---------------------

You knew Karen would back you no matter what but you still ended up at Matt's on the way home. After he'd gave a smug smile because he'd heard the heartbeat before you did he assured you that him and Foggy would help you however they could. "Y/N, no matter what we'll all be here for you" "Even Frank?" You'd asked with tears in your eyes and he nodded "Even Frank. He loves you, even if he reacts badly at first" you nodded and tried to let his words sink in as you headed home.

You planned to tell Sarah and David after Frank knew but the question still plaguing your mind was what Frank was going to say.

\----------------------

You had just got through warming up the takeout when you heard a knock on your door and nearly yelped. You had never been jumpy but now you were like a cat on a hot roof. 

You walked to the door slowly then opened it. Curtis was the first in and he pulled you into a hug and whispered "Just breathe. It's gonna be ok" then kissed your cheek before moving aside.

Karen hugged you when she came in and winked before Frank pulled you into a bear hug. "Hey kid" you hugged him back closely hoping this would go well. It had to.

\---------------------

All of you sat around eating and catching up. Well you picked at your food and listened to them talk. Frank and Curtis was seriously considering Dinah's offer and Karen was working on a multi part piece about first responders in New York.

Karen caught your eye as you moved to gather plates to wash and said "Let me help" the guys gathered the trash and were talking about Curtis' latest meeting and how the schedule would have to change a bit if he took the offer from Homeland so they weren't paying any attention to your conversation. 

"So me and Curt will step into your bedroom while you talk to Frank. I'm close enough to intervene but far enough that it's one on one. Is that ok?" You glanced back over your shoulder at Frank then nodded "Yeah. Sounds good"

\------------------------

After everything was back into place Karen grabbed Curtis's arm and not so subtly announced "Frank me and Curtis will be in Y/N's room. She needs to talk to you" and gave you an encouraging smile before they disappeared into your room.

Frank looked back at you and smiled "What's up sweetheart?" You motioned to the couch "let's sit down" he followed you to the couch and you let him sit but remained on your feet. "Um Frank I need to tell you something and you're not gonna like it. There's a chance you may hate me but please remember I love you like a brother. You're the family I have left"

He was on his feet at your words and had gently grabbed your wrists "Take a breath then talk" you took a deep breath then blurted out "I'm pregnant Frankie" 

His smile faltered slightly as his eyebrows scrunched up in confusion "I didn't know you were seeing anyone. Wait is it Murdock's?" You shook your head "No it's not Matt's. God it would be so much simpler if it was"

The confusion gave way to understanding and he dropped your wrists like they had burnt him. "Don't fucking tell me it's Bill's" "Frank please!"

You didn't know what to say to make him understand but Billy was gone, you were pregnant and you couldn't do this without him. 

You took a step towards him but he backed up shaking his head "No don't Frank please me. After everything he did. Everything he fucking did you just what? Spread your goddamn legs the moment he comes calling?"

You felt like you'd been slapped. In all the times you'd known him Frank had rarely lost his temper with you let alone talked to you like that. "Frank I'm sorry. I didn't mean for this to happen" "Yeah kid sorry don't fucking cut it! You fucked Bill after everything! I thought I could trust you! After he betrayed us time and again" You flinched at his harsh tone and heard your bedroom door open a half second before Karen was standing between you and Frank with both her hands on his chest "Frank back off of her right now" she glanced over her shoulder at you then her eyes ran across your stomach "are you ok?" You nodded slightly so she nodded her head towards your room "go in there with Curtis. Me and Frank need to talk"

You nodded again then looked back at Frank "You're like a brother to me. You can trust me. I picked you over him more than once and I still would but I can't do this alone" You walked into your bedroom and nearly collapsed into Curtis' open arms. He shut the door so you wouldn't hear anything Frank said then stood rocking you back and forth "Hey it's gonna be ok. You won't be alone. We've got your back. Frank will come around. He loves you"

You heard a slam come from the living room and opened the bedroom door in enough time to see Frank storm out your front door and the dent in the wall that was the size of his fist. "Karen what do I do?" You asked quietly then grabbed your jacket "I can't do this" 

You shoved past her and Curtis and ran for the stairs leading out of your apartment building. You had to clear your mind and you wanted to be alone to do it.

\---------------------

Frank wasn't sure where he was headed but he had to get out of your apartment. He had to be away from you, Karen and Curtis for a while. He hadn't meant to blurt out everything he said to you but anger was like alcohol. It forced how someone really felt to come out.

He didn't want to be angry at you. You were his family. The thing was you knew every little thing Billy had done. You had a front row seat and yet now you were pregnant with his child? How could you betray not only him but the memory of Maria like that? How could you let Billy touch you?

He ran a hand over his face to try to shove off the flood of emotions wanting to race through his mind. He stopped in his tracks when he thought about the hole he'd left in your wall. Fuck why did he do that? He just needed to get his head on straight before he talked to you again. Maybe then the two of you could have an actual talk about the baby situation without anyone screaming or crying but for now he couldn't face you.

He walked for god knows how long until he couldn't ignore his phone ringing any longer. He knew it was Karen before he ever looked at the screen "I'm not coming back right now. I need space away from her" "Frank she's gone. She stormed out not long after you did. She didn't take her phone and only grabbed a light jacket. I'm worried. I've called everyone from Matt to Alice. No one has heard from her and it's getting late"

The anger he'd been feeling was replaced by a cold sense of dread. This was New York after all. You were a woman out alone this time of night. You were upset and didn't even have a phone let alone anything to protect yourself. "Text me a list of everywhere you've checked. I think I know where she might have went but just in case I'm wrong" he could hear the worry in Karen's voice when she said "Please find her Frank" "I will sweetheart. Fuck I should've never left"

\--------------------

You walked blindly down the sidewalk. You weren't sure where you were walking to. Matt and Foggy's apartments were in the opposite direction. Alice was babysitting for her sister. You just needed to think or that's what you told yourself.

You were regretting not taking the time to grab a thicker jacket when a cool breeze felt like it went through the cotton zip up hoodie you had on. Your hand protectively went to your stomach despite the turmoil in your mind. You understood why Frank had blown up. He had every right to. He felt betrayed yet again by someone he loved but you didn't feel like giving up the baby was the right choice. It felt like maybe someone somewhere was trying to give something good out of all the pain all of you had endured.

It wasn't until you felt an incline under your feet that it occured to you that you'd walked all the way across town to where Maria and the kids were buried. You were in a spot that years ago you would have went to Maria and curled up next to her and cried about until she helped form a solution so even subconsciously you were still seeking her out.

You barely had to look as you walked the all too familiar path to the headstones. You kissed your fingertips then gently touched the top of Lisa's then Frank Jr's stones before coming to a stop in front of Maria's. You sank down to your knees then finally just sat flat tracing the letters with one finger "Ria it's me. I know I haven't come by in a couple weeks. I'm sorry. Works been crazy" you felt your heart twist and knew she deserved to hear the truth of what was on your mind.

"Billy made the wrong choice. When Rawlins told him it was a team come after me or a team go after Frank he should've let me die" you scooted closer to the headstone hoping to cut some wind off yourself and wanting to feel closer to her. "I shouldn't be here. I shouldn't be alive. I shouldn't be pregnant. I shouldn't want to keep it. I wish it was me laying here under a stone and you visiting me to say you and Frank were expecting number three. I would trade places with you in a heartbeat if I could"

You closed your eyes against the tears flowing down your cheeks. "Ria you're gone and it hurts every damn day that I wake up and remember that. I haven't forgotten you or my niece and nephew. I wish I didn't still have some part of me that still loves him. This baby maybe it's the universe's way of giving us all a new life. Me, Frank, Curtis, Karen hell even Matt, Foggy and the Liebermans. A new little person for us all to love. I want that. I want this baby to help us all heal even if it never meets it's father but I know for a fact me and the baby needs it's uncle Frank in our lives. I can't do it without him"

"You don't have to" your eyes flew open and you spotted Frank not two feet away from you. He pulled his outer jacket off as he walked closer and held it out "Put it on. We need to talk and I don't want you freezing while we do" you took his outstretched hand and let him pull you to your feet then pulled the jacket on burrowing further into the warmth of it. 

"Frank I'm sorry" you started but he held up a hand to silence you "Y/N. I'm not going to pretend that I'm overjoyed that you're pregnant with Bill's kid. I know you still feel something for him and probably always will and though I don't like it I'm not turning my back on you or that baby. I'm glad he kept you alive no matter what I'm grateful I didn't lose you too. You're my family so that baby is too. You can't do this alone and you won't have to. If you can forgive me for what all I said back at your place maybe we can start from here? That baby is half you after all which means it's got a pretty good head start as is"

You didn't hesitate before slinging yourself into his arms for a hug. He patted your back then pulled back with an almost shy smile "I'll fix your wall too by the way but for now let's get you some place warm. We can talk more when your hands don't feel like ice"


	44. Chapter 44

You decided to take a couple days off after finding out and just told Chief Michelson you were sick. In truth you just needed time to adjust.

After Frank's harsh initial reaction he'd switched into more of a protector/ planner mode. You didn't even know the sex of the baby yet and the man was making lists for what furniture you'd need and telling you it was about time you got a car.

You sat next to Karen, both of you wearing a smile as the two of you watched Frank and Curtis measure out your spare bedroom to decide where a crib could go. 

"Frank! I mean I'm pretty sure it's got somewhere to sleep for a while" Karen teased running a hand over your stomach. He raised an eyebrow at her "Very funny. I'm not saying we need to buy it now but Y/N you remember how insane it was bringing Lisa how from the hospital" 

You nodded and felt a flicker of hope at the simple fact that he was actually talking about one of the kids unprompted. "I remember Frank but Karen does have a point. We'll get everything ready in time hell I still have people that don't know"

He glanced up from his fourth cup of coffee and grinned "If you mean David and Sarah, I already called them" "Frank!" Karen scolded but you couldn't find it in yourself to be mad. Frank was smiling, that's what was important. 

"Oh shit!" You said suddenly and everyone turned to look at you. "I gotta tell Alice!" 

"Are you still going to be working on the rig?" Frank asked as you stood to hunt your cellphone. You shrugged "Protocol says I have a choice to either go on dispatch duty till the baby's born or stay on rig. Guess it all depends what the obgyn says after my first appointment"

You hit Alice's number and walked into your kitchen, trying to block out the conversation in your living room but catching enough to know Frank and Curtis was planning to meet with Matt and Dinah to officially accept the offer she'd laid out.

The phone rang twice before Alice answered "About time! Chief called to say Jessie will be partnered with me tor the next couple days, meanwhile I'm freaking out thinking something is wrong with you" you chuckled nervously "Well um the doctor did find something out"

"What?" She nearly screamed and you could hear Kenzie in the background so you said "Put me on speaker so I can tell you both" "Ok" you heard her click it over so you took a breath then said "Turns out I'm pregnant"

"Oh my god!" Was all Kenzie said. Alice on the other hand cracked up laughing "Well it'll be a good looking kid. Helluva attitude but good looking" "Geez thanks Alice" you replied but was relieved that now everyone close to you knew. Her voice got serious then she said "We're here for you no matter what"

\------------------------

Chief let you stay on rig until you were a week shy of the halfway point. He then informed you Alice would keep Jessie as a temp partner until you could come back and that you'd be working dispatch.

Frank took the deal from Homeland, Curtis and David took the job offer so that meant Frank was officially back from the dead. He said it was because he wanted to make sure he could be there for Karen, you and the baby no matter what.

The most comical thing that you found about being pregnant was the stares you'd get from the bodega owner when you'd come waddling in behind none other than the punisher in the middle of the night because a craving hit so Frank had come over to take you to the store. You'd teased more than once "I think I'm hurting your reputation Frank" he'd shrugged and patted your stomach "That's my niece or nephew so it's worth it"

\--------------------------

The day you went for the gender reveal ultrasound Karen went with you. You laid back on the bed and reached for her hand. She squeezed yours gently as the tech started moving the wand around "Well mama, we got fingers, toes and oh look at that" you and Karen glanced at the screen so she circled one area "You got a little girl on the way"

Karen practically squealed "Frank was hoping it was a girl too" she admitted after a moment. You simply laughed and shook your head.

\--------------------------

A few weeks later Karen, Sarah,and Leo took you out for the day while Frank, Curtis , David and Zach went about turning your spare bedroom into a nursery "one that can move up with her in size" Frank had added at your look.

You counted yourself as unbelievably lucky. Yeah Billy wasn't able to be with you and would probably never even meet his daughter but you and her both had an entire village behind you. Your daughter's family consisted from vigilantes to reporters to ex NSA analyst and damn near everything in between.

\--------------------

The closer you got to your due date the less amount of time you got to spend alone. Someone was always with you. You couldn't blame them even Frank backed down when Karen gave marching orders.

You had gotten Alice and Kenzie to come over to help you frame photos for the family wall you'd added to the baby's room. "This is a good photo of you and Maria" Alice smiled looking at the photo. Maria was practically hanging off your neck and was mid laugh. It was one of the times Frank and Billy had come back unexpectedly early and she had been deliriously happy that Frank wouldn't miss Christmas that year. "Yeah it is. God I miss her" you answered with a small smile then reached for another stack of pictures "I want to make sure the baby has everyone I consider her family represented. That's why I asked for a shot of you two. Me and Alice have been partners for so many years. Seems only fair" 

It took the three of you a couple hours to frame all the photos you wanted up and to arrange them around the room so they didn't look too cluttered. 

You stepped back to look at the finished product and smiled. You, Billy, Frank, Karen, Curtis and Maria and the kids were represented the most then there was some of the Liebermans, Matt and Foggy then Alice and Kenzie. "I can say one thing. This kid has one hell of a family waiting to meet her" Alice teased throwing an arm over your shoulders. A knock from the door drew all of your attention so you checked the time "That would be Frank and Karen" Kenzie glanced at your belly for permission so when you nodded she laid on hand on it then leaned down to talk to the baby "Bye little bit. Maybe your mommy will pick a name before you're born so you won't just be listed as babygirl Y/L/N-Russo"

"It's just gonna be babygirl Russo. I have a lot more issues with my last name than his" you admitted so she shrugged then changed it to "Well then little bit hopefully mommy picks a name so you're not just babygirl Russo"

You swatted playfully at her "Alice get your wife" Alice kissed your cheek then grabbed Kenzie's hand "C'mon baby. We don't provoke the pregnant lady" 

\--------------------

The day you hit thirty nine weeks you had decided to go to the bulletin to have lunch with Karen. You were walking up the steps and heard Ellison "Need a hand?" You looked up to see he was offering his arm so you gladly took it. "Thank you!" He nodded and walked with you inside.

You hadn't even made it to Karen's office when a pain hit severe enough to double you up. "Y/N?" When you didn't reply he looked at the nearest person "GET PAGE NOW!" 

Karen came running around the corner about the time another pain hit you and you felt liquid run down your leg. You looked down to see you were now standing in a puddle of water "Oh fuck Karen this is it" you managed to get out but she was already pulling a chair under you and calling an ambulance with Ellison's phone while she called Frank with hers.

\--------------------------

Alice and Jessie happened to be on the ambulance that responded. She sat in the back monitoring your contractions on the way "See? Little bit wanted auntie Alice even if I was at work!" She teased making a pained laugh escape you "She could've asked to call you!"

By the time you got to the hospital the waiting room looked like a frickin circus. Matt, Foggy and Marci were there fresh from court from the looks of it. Frank and Curtis were there with Dinah and Sam in tow who had apparently drove them. Curtis was on the phone with David trying to convince him he didn't have to come yet.

When they spotted you and Karen all eyes turned towards you as your obgyn Dr Lynnette Erickson came out the double doors and took in just how many were there with you. "Miss Y/L/N only two can accompany you into delivery" you grabbed Karen's hand then glanced at Frank "What you say Frankie?" He nodded and quickly got to the other side of the bed as they pushed you away. Dinah and Sam were telling Curtis they'd call to check in and Alice hollered she'd come after shift. That was the last you heard out the waiting room.

\--------------------

Frank stepped into the hall while Karen helped you change into a gown then he came back in and stood at the head of the bed watching the doctor and nurses mill around with his patent Punisher glare in full swing. "Easy Frank. They're here to help me" you reminded him with a pained smile and he nodded "Yeah they better"

An hour later Frank was sitting in the bed behind you supporting your body against his own while Karen helped you through the breathing. "One more push and she'll be out mama" Dr Erickson said and Frank leaned up to whisper in your ear "Come on sweetheart. You got this. You're more badass than any marine I've ever met. One more push. You can do it"

Frank helped you sit up further and Karen moved down to help hold your legs as you gave one final hard push and was rewarded with a shrill cry filling the room. After a moment one of the nurses handed you a tiny pink bundle. "Congratulations. What's her name?" 

You glanced between Karen and Frank who were standing at your side in awe of their niece "I was thinking Addison Elizabeth Russo" Frank's eyes teared up a bit when he heard the middle name but he nodded "Maria would've loved that" the nurse smiled and said "I'll write it in her chart. Do you want me to tell everyone waiting?" 

Frank shook his head "Give us three a few minutes then I'll go collect the nutjobs one at a time" the nurse laughed and said "Well congrats. I can tell already Addison is a very loved little girl" "That she is" Karen agreed with tears in her eyes.

Addison or Adi as you planned to call her was beautiful. She had your nose but Billy's dark eyes and mouth. God she was going to look just like him. You'd never felt more whole than staring at her.

\-------------------------

Once you were moved into a regular room Frank headed out to deliver news and to bring a couple people back at a time to meet the newest member of your little family.

"I wish Billy could've been here" you confessed and Karen kissed your forehead "I know you do. I promise you won't be alone in any of this" you smiled at her as Adi cooed slightly in your arms.

\----------------------

Despite the fact that you were exhausted and wanted to sleep it was a comical experience seeing everyone meet her.

Curtis was a pro at holding babies. She curled right up to him and nearly fell asleep "She knows who's gonna be her favorite uncle" he'd teased with a wink towards you when Frank shot him a look. 

Foggy was nervous and let Karen direct him how to hold her but looked so cute smiling down at her. You realized Matt was standing back so you said "Get up in here Matt. Come meet her" he sat on the edge of the bed so you laid her in his arms. He gently ran his fingertip across her face "She's beautiful Y/N"

The Liebermans were a family unit and it showed. Sarah held Adi while David, Leo and Zach met her. "She's so little!" Leo whispered and you grinned "By the time she's up a size you'll be needing a baby sitting job right Leo?"

Alice and Kenzie barely made it under the wire before visiting hours ended. Alice just sat there smiling at her "You did amazing Y/N! She is gorgeous!" 

\------------------------

Once everyone else had left you thought you'd be alone overnight but Frank pulled out the cot in the corner of the room. "What are you doing?" You asked and he glanced over his shoulder at Karen and smirked "I'm staying kid. You were there for Maria when she had newborns. I'm gonna be here for you. Me and Karen already set up a schedule so you always have help. Sarah has offered to watch her when you go back to work and for any overnight shifts we bought a portable crib for our place"

You felt yourself tearing up again and didn't know if it was hormones or what. "Thank you both" he shrugged "We stick together sweetheart. Kind of what we do"

You took a deep breath then said "That does lead into my next question" they exchanged a look then Karen said "What is it?" You looked at Adi sleeping peacefully then at Frank then at Karen. "Will you two be her godparents?" 

"Really?" Karen asked with a broad smile. When you nodded she pulled you into a hug then Frank hugged you both "This a yes?" You asked after a moment and Frank groaned "Christ, yes Y/N we'd love to be her godparents"


	45. Chapter 45

Every day that passed with Adi brought what family you still had closer. Once your maternity leave was over the days that you and Karen both had to work Sarah was more than glad to babysit.

When Frank had time off him and Karen would practically beg you to let her stay over with them. Curtis was always on hand when you needed someone too considering he lived closer to your place than anyone else and even Matt and Foggy would stop by more often.

Whenever she would look up at you with those dark brown eyes of Billy's that you had fell in love with so long before you knew she was twisting you around her little finger even more. She was the best thing that had ever happened to you no matter how she'd come about.

You still got together with Frank, Karen, Curtis, Foggy and Matt but it was now once a week. Sometimes Candance or Marci would come but one thing remained the same, every aunt and uncle would fight for the chance to hold little miss Adi while all of you caught up from the week. 

Frank would relent most times considering him, Karen and Curtis saw her the most but sometimes if he'd had a rough day or things were just bugging him he'd keep her tucked tight against him and only give her up when you had to feed her or change her although sometimes he'd grab a bottle or clean diaper before you had a chance.

To you it seemed as if Frank was combining the love he'd once felt for her father into the love he had for her. 

As for Karen she was the best aunt you could ever imagine for Adi. She'd had your back throughout the pregnancy and would still do anything for you or Adi. She'd crossed the line somewhere along the way from best friend to more of a sister. It felt almost like it had with you and Maria. You more than understood what had originally drawn Frank to her back when he was still neck deep in being the Punisher. She was amazing.

You still missed Billy every day. Every day you saw Adi growing and knew it was something so precious and so important and that he was missing out on so much. He had barred you from visiting him or calling and a child wasn't something you told someone about in a letter so you'd sworn everyone who still had contact with him to secrecy about her. You just didn't see a point in adding that pain onto him. It was just better he never know.

\--------------------

Adi was almost six months old when Curtis stopped by one evening after his weekly visit to see Billy. You hadn't been expecting him so when he knocked on the door you answered with her half asleep on your hip. "Look baby it's uncle Curt!" You handed her to him with a smile "Perfect timing. I need to fix a bottle so I can put her down"

She nuzzled into his chest sleepily as he asked her about her day like he was talking to an adult and expecting a response. 

You glanced over your shoulder at the two of them walking around the living room while you made her bottle in the kitchen and smiled "Not that I'm complaining Curt because you know you're always welcome but to what do I owe this visit?" You asked walking back into the living room to hand Adi's bottle to him.

He settled into the recliner Foggy had bought you when you were pregnant and offered the bottle to her then glanced up at you "I need to talk to you and Frank said he needed your answer before he agreed to anything" "Ok gotta point out that doesn't sound good" you half joked watching Adi's head dip twice before the bottle fell down beside Curtis. 

He nodded at her "Get her settled and I'll start coffee" you stood to pick her up off him but not before saying "Coffee and needing to talk..are we having a meeting Curt?" He shrugged "in a way yeah I guess so" you scooped Adi up onto your shoulder and tilted your head back at the kitchen "Well you know how I take my coffee. I'll be back as soon as she's down good"

\--------------------

After you got her settled in her crib and grabbed the baby monitor you walked back into the kitchen where Curtis was carrying two cups of coffee to the table. He sat yours down in front of a chair then sat across from you. 

"Well you said we needed to talk but um what about?" You asked taking a tentative sip of the coffee while he made himself busy adding sugar and creamer to his own cup. "Well you know Frank's went with me a couple times to see Billy now"

You did in fact know that. It had almost bothered you that it seemed you were the only one Billy didn't want to see. It had been a little over eighteen months since he turned himself into Mahoney. "Are you coming to tell me they tried to kill each other on one of the visits because I'm really not sure what to say to that considering Matt and Foggy are both of their lawyers" 

Curtis cracked a smile at that and shook his head "No actually what I came to talk to you about is that apparently our little team is proving handy to Homeland. Me, Frank and David are working well with Madani, Stein and their team so she offered the prospect of another deal possibly being put on the table but I um well honestly I drew the short straw because everyone is in agreement we want to make sure you're ok with it"

"Another deal? What, do they need a medic? I'm happy where I am" you couldn't help letting a joke slide to cover up the knot that had formed in the pit of your stomach the moment you put together the pieces he'd laid out. "They want to offer Billy a deal. He gets time served when it hits the two year mark then he comes to work for Homeland. He'll be under certain requirements for the first year same as Frank was along with being under the care of a psychiatrist which Kenzie has already been approached about but after that he'll be free and clear and officially an agent"

You sat your cup down hard to keep from dropping it and glanced down the hall towards Adi's room. "So what the SAC of Homeland wants my permission to offer a deal? Seems like everyone has already been told about this but me. Hell I'm just his baby mama. He hasn't spoken a word to me or tried to write me besides that one letter since he went in. Why should I have any say so?" You realized you were going on the defense hard but hell you had the right to be. So much had happened since Billy went to prison. 

Curtis looked down at his cup then glanced up "The doctors are confident in his recovery. Y/N he's healed up a lot. He remembers a lot more. Stuff he's glad he remembers and stuff he wishes he could forget again. He remembers making the deal with Rawlins for Frank to be in the cross hairs instead of you. He remembers the smuggling, Anvil. Every person he cared about that he hurt he remembers most of it. There's still some blanks spots but they're willing to sign off on the condition he keeps with his treatment plan"

"Once again Curtis what the hell does that have to do with me?" You asked hearing the edge to your voice when you spoke. He shrugged and that smile he wore in meetings slipped into place "Y/N he loves you. He's always loved you. I think, no I know he'll want to see you. If that's too much it's ok I'll handle it but know not a visit has went by that he hasn't asked about you. We've all avoided that certain subject but if he gets out he's going to want to at least talk to you and there's no way to hide a child when you'll be face to face. Frank won't sign off unless you're ok on it. Neither will I or Stein and Dinah has already said if you're not ok with it she'll squash the deal as if it never happened" 

You took a deep breath and stood up abruptly. Yesterday if someone had asked you'd resigned yourself to the fact that Adi would probably never meet Billy. You had pictures of him throughout the apartment. She carried his last name and if you were being honest you wanted nothing more than for her to have some sort of relationship with him. Him being in prison for the two year mark was still eight months away. Could you prepare yourself in that amount of time?

You hadn't realized you'd been pacing until Curtis stepped in front of you and grabbed your arms "I don't need an answer tonight. I just wanted to lay the newly played cards down" you nodded slowly then said "If Frank's ok with the deal so am I. My only condition is I tell him about Adi" he smiled then motioned back to the table "No one else has the right to tell him about her. Now let's finish our coffee then come tomorrow I'll let everyone know the ball can start rolling"

\---------------------

You never knew that time could move so incredibly slow yet so incredibly fast at the same time. The next few months crept by at an iceberg pace. Your nerves were getting worse the closer it came to Billy getting out.

A small reprieve came in the form of Adi choosing to start walking on the day she turned ten months old. You were sitting in the middle of Frank and Karen's living room with her on your lap. You'd been talking to Karen but the moment Frank walked in Adi had stood up which she'd been doing for a couple weeks but then she took a few wobbly steps. All of you held your breath so Frank walked closer. She made it to him before she started to fall but he caught her before she could. "You wanted uncle Frank huh kiddo?" He asked her with a broad smile. 

Karen grinned at you "Oh he's gonna talk about this for months" Frank winked at her "Why wouldn't I? Out of everyone she walked for her uncle Frank" 

Of course the next few days after that involved Frank and Curtis baby proofing every household Adi spent any time whatsoever at. 

\-----------------------

The day of Adi's first birthday Karen was over bright and early to help you despite her party not being until that afternoon. 

  
  


Sarah and David were out of town visiting family and had came the week before to bring her presents. Dinah had to be in meetings so did Sam so it would be you,Frank, Karen, Curtis, Alice, Kenzie and Matt at your place. Foggy and Marci were working late on a case.

  
  


Adi had went down for her nap so Karen was decorating while you put the icing on both cakes."So how are you doing?" Karen asked as you put the finishing touches on Adi's smash cake. You shrugged "I'm good. Nervous that the date is ticking closer but I'm not thinking about it today. Today is about Adi" she grinned and went back to decorating.

\-------------------------

By the time you and Karen were finished Adi was waking up. You walked into her room and found her laying in the bed talking to her stuffed wolf Frank had bought her. She had named him Coco the moment Frank handed him to her. "Hey babygirl you ready to get dressed?" You asked and she sat up. 

"I pick?" You laughed and pointed to where you'd already laid three outfits out "Yeah baby, you pick"

You picked her up out the crib then made sure her legs were under her before letting her go. She waddled over and looked between them before pointing to her purple and pink dress. "Good choice! Let's get ready. Aunt Karen even bought you a birthday bow to put in your hair!" Her eyes widened at the mention of a bow.

\-------------------------

While you were finishing Adi's hair you heard a knock at the door. "Wonder who that is?" You asked and she grinned "Unkie Frank?" You tilted your head and sure enough heard Frank's deep voice "It is uncle Frank! Let's go show him how pretty you are"

She walked over and grabbed your hand then pulled you towards the door so you opened it and let her waddle out. "Unkie Frank!" 

He of course gushed over how pretty she looked. "Are you ready for some cake babygirl?" She nodded. So he looked back at you "Everyone else is downstairs finding places to park"

\---------------------------

You were standing between the kitchen and living room watching with a smile while Karen took photos of Adi demolishing the smash cake. 

She held out one hand towards Frank and called "Unkie Frank" and you knew he was had. He dropped his head with a sheepish grin and walked to her "Yeah babygirl?" Her response was to smear hot pink icing across his face. You couldn't remember the last time you laughed so hard.

You heard the camera clicked and realized Karen had caught a candid of you and she grinned "Sorry mama. You looked too happy not to catch it" then she turned her attention back to Adi and Frank who was now being offered pieces of cake from Adi. Matt walked up next to you and bumped your shoulder "how's Frank look wearing icing?" You laughed and leaned towards him "I don't think I can accurately describe it" he grinned in response "Your voice tells enough of a story"

You glanced towards his face and saw he was facing towards where Adi was sitting giggling as Curtis came close enough for an icing attack on him as well. "So are you excited for Billy to meet her?" He asked after a moment and you went silent knowing he could tell if you lied. 

"Honestly? I'm nervous Matt" one eyebrow raised before he said "Why? I've talked to him Y/N. He's even asked me about you. I don't know how much he remembers where you and I are concerned but I don't think he's exactly gonna get out and run when he finds out you have a daughter" "I've hid her from him" you clarified and he shrugged "All of us in this room have hid things from each other at one time or another. Doesn't mean we don't care. It'll work out but for today just enjoy Adi. You're an amazing mom and have busted your back to make sure she's had a good life up until now. Whatever comes next you have her back and we all have yours" 

That was something you had always liked about Matt, he always seemed to be able to talk people into believing in themselves. Even when he didn't believe in himself after Elektra was killed. There had been a while you had worried about him but you had in his own words been too stubborn to let him go through it alone. "Thanks Matt" you said and reached out to hug him but he'd turned into it before you had a chance which shouldn't have surprised you "Any time. Remember no matter what's in the past we're friends. You said it yourself back when Adi was first born. It's a motley crew but we're all family by now" "Even Billy?" You asked quietly and he nodded "Even him"

\----------------------

The next two months seemed to come and go in the blink of an eye. 

Curtis had ended up as a go between of sorts to plan Billy wanting to see you when he got out. After some thought you'd decided it was better to rip the bandaid off so the working plan was that Karen would come pick up Adi about an hour before Billy was supposed to be at your place giving the two of you enough time to talk.

It was a simple enough plan but just like everything in your life when did anything ever go as planned?


	46. Chapter 46

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Billy meets his babygirl

You woke up to the sound of Adi calling you across the baby monitor "Mommy" you cracked a smile and hit the button to talk back to her "I'm coming babygirl. Sit tight"

You threw the blanket off your legs and headed for her room. Your stomach flipped when you thought about what day it was. Good or bad Billy would know about Adi before another night fell. Not to mention that the mere thought of seeing him after two years made your skin feel like it was on fire.

When you walked into her room she grinned up at you from where she stood at the side of the crib "Mommy! I'm hungry" you laughed and held your hands out "Well let's see what we can do about that" 

\--------------------

A little while later you had Adi dressed and sitting in her highchair. She was munching on Cheerios and pieces of banana while you sat across from her drinking a cup of coffee and picking at a bagel. 

Your appetite hadn't been the best the last few days but you knew it was simply nerves so you forced the bagel down and smiled when Adi held out a Cheerio "eat mommy" you smiled and showed her your empty plate "Mommy did eat now it's time for Adi to eat"

Your phone chimed from the counter so you after you washed your plate and grabbed another cup of coffee you checked to see it was Karen telling you what time she'd be over to pick up Adi. "That was Aunt Karen. She's excited to spend the day with you!" You told Adi who grinned at the mention of Karen and once again you were struck with just how much of Billy showed in her because that was his smile. 

You shook your head to clear your thoughts about Billy and what was to come. You were going to focus on Adi and housework until time came for Karen to pick her up then you could have a nuclear meltdown before he actually arrived. Right on cue Adi held up her bowl "Mommy done!" 

\--------------------

In a couple hours time you managed to get all of yours and Adi's laundry done and put away, played with her stuffed animals and rewatched the lion king for the thousandth time.

\----------------------------

Adi was playing in her room so you walked out her room and turned the lion king off then picked up her discarded toys and put them away. You still had a little while before Karen would be there to get her. 

You were cleaning up the kitchen when you heard a knock at the door and checked the time. Karen was a little early but then again it seemed everyone in your life suddenly got more punctual when time with Adi was offered. "ONE SECOND!" you hollered and walked around the corner to the door.

When you opened the door your heart nearly stopped. It wasn't Karen standing on the other side but a very nervous looking Billy.

His hair had grown out a lot since the last time you saw him and he'd put his weight back on and filled out again. The green sweater he wore looked soft to the touch and hugged his shoulders perfectly. Mixed with the black jeans and boots he almost looked like he used to. 

* * *

Billy walked out the gate of the prison and stopped when he felt the sun on his face. After everything he'd done he never dreamed of being a free man again. His memories were still fuzzy at times, a puzzle that still had to be shoved together but after months worth of testing and evaluations he'd been deemed stable to be released under the deal Murdock and Nelson had made with Homeland. Murdock was an entire new mystery. Billy remembered things involving him and you he'd rather forget but he wasn't the type to look a gift horse in the mouth either.

Why everyone was helping him and not just leaving him to rot was beyond him. "Billy?" He glanced up to see Sam Stein standing beside a black suv parked directly across from the prison. His last memory of Sam was stopping one of the men he'd been working with from putting a bullet in his brain yet the man smiled when he saw him "Curtis had an emergency pop up so he asked if I could pick you up and bring you back to the city" "Sounds good to me" Billy replied with a tense smile and walked across to the passenger side of the suv.

\--------------------

The closer he got back to the city the more nervous Billy felt. Every sin he ever committed was waiting for him. He had to face Frank, his part in the deaths of Maria, Lisa and Frank Jr and everything he'd done to you. 

He closed his eyes and leaned his head back against the seat thinking about the last time he saw you. The tears in your eyes as you kissed him one last time and told him you'd never stop loving him. Seeing you walk out the door while he waited for Sergeant Mahoney to take him in. 

After the pain he'd caused you still loved him. He'd broke out that hospital with no other destination but you in sight. He knew you'd give him answers and you had. You'd held him when you both cried then the moment you'd kissed him he hadn't wanted to leave when you so willingly let him touch you, hadn't turned away from him but instead made love to him one last time he had never deserved you. That was why he'd blocked you at every turn. He'd sent one letter by Curtis telling you to move on. 

When Frank started coming with Curtis to visit he'd ask about you and something about the way they both would act told him there was more to the story than they let on but you were healthy and happy. That's what counted. By some miracle you told Curtis that you would see him when he got out but now that it was just a few miles and a little over an hour away he still wasn't sure what to say to you.

\---------------------

"Billy?" He woke with a start to Sam tapping his shoulder. "Sorry man but we're back" Billy sat up straighter in his seat and realized Sam had brought him to your apartment instead of Curtis'. "I thought I was gonna meet up with Curt first" he felt a twinge of panic from the thought of showing up at your door unannounced.

Sam smiled "I called him. He's on his way. I can wait with you until he gets here if you want?" Stein was a decent enough guy but he didn't feel like being babysat at the moment. "No I'll head in. Maybe the people in the lobby won't call the law on me" he meant it as a joke but it still was a worry of his even after all this time. "You got your ID don't ya?" Sam asked and Billy nodded "It's in my hip pocket" "Then you're fine. I know she wants to see you" 

"Your mouth to God's ears" Billy muttered before thanking Sam for the ride then climbing out the suv. Either this would go really well or really bad. Either way he'd get to see you.

\---------------------

He was glad you'd never moved. Out of everyone you'd planted your roots years ago and through everything you'd stayed.

A few people glanced his way as he walked to the elevator but no one flinched which surprised him to a certain degree. Then again it was New York. Considering aliens had come down and wrecked half of Manhattan he wasn't anything too terrifying.

\--------------------

When the elevator opened on your floor his feet felt a lot heavier than they had moments before but he forced them to move. If you could be willing to see him he could be man enough to face you.

He stopped in front of your door and took a deep breath before knocking. "ONE SECOND!" You hollered and he felt his heart speed up just hearing your voice.

A moment later the door opened and there you were. Your eyes widened when you realized it was him. "Billy" just hearing his name on your lips made a smile slip onto his face "Hey Y/N" 

Your hair was shorter than the last time he saw you and he was fairly certain that was one of Frank's old shirts you were wearing over jeans that had long since seen better days but he'd never seen anything more beautiful. You blinked a few times then stepped to the side "Come on in" 

He could tell how nervous you were. Hell he knew you better than he knew himself even after all this time. "How have you been?" He asked wanting to kick himself for such a stupid question. Before you could answer "Mommy!" rang through the air.

Both of your heads whipped towards your spare bedroom and he could see the guilt in your eyes when you said "God this isn't how I wanted you to find out" you disappeared into the bedroom and he felt his entire world shift.

You were a mother..god you had moved on and had a baby with someone. He'd always dreamt of having a family with you now because of decisions he'd made everything had slipped through his fingers. Who was her father? 

He glanced around and started to notice the photos lining the walls. He didn't get close enough to see the child's face but there were photos of you and her, her with Frank, Curtis, Karen and god there was one that was obviously a birthday with her covered in pink icing and everyone around her. There standing next to you was Murdock. Jesus you'd had a baby with his lawyer, the very man that he'd driven you into the arms of.

\-----------------------

You walked back out the room with your daughter in your arms and her head laid over on your shoulder. You were rubbing her back and speaking soothingly to her. His heart ached at seeing the small smile on your face. You were a mother. It suited you well. You were happy.

"I'm gonna go" he needed to get out of here. He needed room to breathe. God he never should've came here. When he spoke your daughter turned to face him and his heart stopped. She had your nose but everything else was his. The dark brown eyes that looked nearly black, the carved cheekbones, even her smile looked exactly like his.

She looked back at you with an excited grin "Daddy?" You nodded and he saw tears prickling your eyes and felt his own threatening to spill out. "Yeah baby that's daddy" you finally said your eyes never leaving his.

When she held her arms out to him he took her without a second thought. "Daddy!" She giggled burying her little face in his neck as she hugged him tight. 

He'd never felt anything like the emotions running through him in that moment. She was his. You and him had a daughter. You'd gotten pregnant that night and despite every reason not to you'd kept her and was now letting him meet her. God he loved her instantly and didn't even know her name. 

* * *

You felt your heart threatening to beat out your chest at seeing Billy and Adi together. You finally took a breath and said

"Baby who don't you go grab Coco to show daddy?" she nodded "Ok" and wiggled down out of his arms. He watched her toddle off then looked back at you "What's her name?" 

"Addison Elizabeth Russo..we all call her Adi" you met his eyes with a watery smile. "Were you ever going to tell me we have a daughter?" His voice was barely above a whisper and you had to swallow twice before you could answer "Billy you straight out refused to see me. You didn't even want to talk on the phone. How was I supposed to tell you? Through Curtis or Foggy?"

"I didn't want you tied up with me the rest of your life but this..her..Adi..our daughter changes everything. If I would've known. God she's what fourteen months old?" Seeing Billy of all people fighting to keep from crying was twisting your heart in a vice. You'd known this would be an emotional day but god you hadn't wanted him to find out like this "Yeah. I found out when at ten weeks. Billy I'm sorry. I wanted to talk to you before you met her. Ease you into it. I just didn't want to put any more guilt on you for leaving a child without a father then when the deal came up I didn't want you hearing it from anyone but me" 

He looked towards her room then shook his head "No, dammit. Don't don't apologize to me. It's my fault I missed it. After everything I've done. I don't deserve an apology. I just have no idea how something so innocent came from me"

"I need to apologize. I'm the reason Curt and Frank and hell even the Homeland agents never said a word about her. I asked them not to. We all hid her from you" it felt like a weight was lifted saying the words. He shook his head again and you briefly wondered if this was too much on him but when his eyes met yours again he shrugged one shoulder "I can't blame any of you. I cut you off and told you not to come or write. As for Frank and Curt they were protecting you which I'd never fault them for even if it was from me"

"Billy I know you'd never hurt me or Adi. I never said I needed to be protected from you" you felt a bit defensive and was once again wishing Karen had showed up earlier. "But apparently you felt like the two of you needed to be protected from me because every time I spoke to them the word pregnant never once came up"

He had his hands curled up at his side not so much in fists but like he was trying to keep them from shaking. You knew because you had crossed your arms to stop your hands from shaking "You let me go. When I tried to still have some sort of bridge between us you lit the match!" 

It was a fight to keep your voice down for both of you. He dropped his head "Because I thought the rest of my life would be behind bars. I never would've dreamed this deal would happen" you crossed the couple feet to stand directly in front of him before saying "Like I knew this deal would happen? Believe me this isn't how I thought my life would turn out. When I dreamed of a future with you, of kids it wasn't under these circumstances yet here we are. I made sure from the moment she was old enough she knew who you were and that you loved her. Billy this isn't how we planned it but we have a baby girl that was formed from love and if you want to be a part of her life I'm offering the chance"

You felt the tears sliding down your cheeks and saw any fight leave Billy "Sweetheart I am so sorry" before anything else could be said Adi was running between the two of you grabbing Billy's hand shoving Coco into it. You turned your head to the side so she couldn't see you'd been crying then said "Baby why don't you show Daddy your room" 

\---------------------

The moment the two of them were out of sight you leaned over on the counter and buried your face in your hands to try to stow the tears.

You heard your phone and started to ignore it until you realized it was Curtis' ringtone so you grabbed it. "Curt why didn't you call?" You asked a lot harsher than you meant and heard him draw a breath "Y/N I'm so sorry. Signals got crossed and Sam ended up picking Billy up. I'm judging by your voice it didn't go well?" 

"It's still going. Karen hadn't picked her up so he got shoved head first into fatherhood" he cursed under his breath then said "Do I need to come over?" "No. Not right now anyways. I'll call if you do" another beat passed before he said "At least the bandaid is off" "Yeah that's a plus" 

You hung up with him about the time an alert came through from Karen saying she was getting off the elevator and you laughed at the irony. 

You walked to the door and opened it to wait.

Karen walked off the elevator smiling but it fell the moment she saw your face "What's wrong?" "Oh Sam picked him up instead of Curt so he's currently being given a tour of Adi's room"

"Oh honey. I'm so sorry I wasn't earlier! I can still take her? Let the two of you talk without little ears?" She offered and while you wanted a chance to talk to him alone it felt wrong ripping the two apart when they'd just met. You shook your head "She doesn't have long before her nap. We can talk then"

She smiled and pulled you into a hug "It'll be ok. Call if you need me or Curtis. We're close by" you nodded with a watery laugh "I don't know what I'd do without you Page" she winked and said "You'll never have to find out. Now I'm gonna go wrangle Frank for lunch. I want updates ok?" 

You nodded "of course" and watched until she got to the elevator. She winked at you once more than stepped on. 

\--------------------

You shut the door behind yourself and heard Adi's footsteps headed back your way and braced yourself. She came around the corner pulling Billy. He looked exactly how you felt but you both plastered smiles on for her "Mommy Lions?" You laughed "Sure baby" she pulled Billy to the couch and sat him down then came back after you.

She slid between the two of you and giggled when the movie started. She barely made it twenty minutes in before she was out. You glanced over at Billy and he was already watching you "Let me put her down" you whispered and he nodded.

When you stood to pick her up your hand brushed his arm and you felt him stiffen slightly then relax before you moved your hand away. You laid her on your shoulder and half smiled "Be right back" 

You laid Adi in her bed and left Coco in the corner close enough she could find her then grabbed the monitors and walked back into the living room. 

Billy was walking around looking at your collection of photos that lined the wall "You kept photos of me" he all but whispered so you nodded "Why wouldn't I? You're her father"

He turned towards you and ran a hand over his head "This is a lot. I mean I remember hurting you so much through everything with Rawlins but there's still blanks. I came here because honestly I wanted to see if you moved on. Not a day went by I didn't think about you. My therapist in there, Doctor Michael Victors...he wanted me to call you. Said if you were still so present in the mess that is my brain you should be involved"

"Why didn't you?" You asked quietly and he blinked a few times and shrugged "I wanted you to have a chance at a normal life. I never would've thought you got pregnant that night" 

"Neither did I" you were trying to joke but it came out in nearly a sigh.

He ran a hand over his face again before finally asking "Elizabeth after Maria?" You nodded. You wanted to ask more about his TBI and treatment so far but didn't want to push so you waited on him to talk. The next question threw you off when it was "Why are you letting me see her? You could've thrown me out"

"She's your daughter Billy. You deserve to see her. She deserves to know you" you tried to figure out what he was feeling but he had so many emotions playing across his face it was hard to pin point one. "No I don't deserve to see her. What I've done. Y/N if you're gonna change your mind I need to know now. She's perfect and I never knew I could love someone this much this fast. I need to know if you're gonna realize I don't deserve her and cut me out before I can know her"

You took a deep breath and tentatively grabbed his hand and saw him relax slightly. You knew enough about anxiety to know in some people touch helped to ground them and to a certain degree on some things especially like this Billy's TBI would cause anxiety. 

Once his attention was fully on you and he was back mostly calm you said "Billy I'm not going to change my mind. I know what you've done. Didn't change how I feel. She never would've been here if it did. None of us can change the past but Adi? She's the future and that little girl deserves everyone who loves her in her life. You're doing better. The doctors and Homeland wouldn't have agreed to this deal if you weren't and Frank damn sure wouldn't have if he didn't see a big change. Now what's been broken won't fix over night but I always heard anything worth having is worth the effort"

For the first time since he came to your door Billy gave you that patent Russo smile that Adi had just so happened to have inherited and said "I'll do anything to prove myself to you" you squeezed his hand you were still holding and said "Healing takes time but I feel like maybe we're all getting a second chance in a way" 

He nodded and dropped your hand "Frank still barely looks at me. I can't blame him especially now but Y/N I promise you I'm gonna try to be the father Adi deserves" "That's all I ask of you" you said with a small smile and heard your phone ringing "That's Curt" 

Billy arched an eyebrow and that movement was so familiar it made your heart flip. "He checking up on me or you?" "Both probably" you answered before grabbing the phone. 

"Hey Curt" "Hey Y/N I'm headed up. Is it ok?" You glanced back at Billy who was looking over the photos from Adi's first birthday you'd hung up and said "Yeah c'mon. The door's unlocked"

You knew this was the first of many rough days with Billy being out. You weren't even close to thinking about the two of you in any terms outside of being Adi's parents but you did still love him. He had a long road ahead. He had to prove himself to Homeland, keep up his therapy, try to rebuild a friendship with Frank and Curtis and now had to learn about being a father. It was a lot to handle and you hoped he could make good on his promise and maybe one day things might be better for all of you.

You hung up with Curtis and walked over to where he was looking at the photo of Adi covered in pink icing "You can take that one if you" he turned around and looked a little surprised "Are you sure?" You laughed and motioned around the room "I've got plenty of her. You need one for your place" you took the photo off the wall and held it out to him. He took it gingerly and smiled "Thank you Y/N" "You're welcome" you replied then heard a knock on the door right before it opened and Curtis walked in. 

He looked from you to Billy then finally said "So you met her?" Billy slowly pulled his eyes away from you then smiled "She's amazing Curt" Curtis grinned "That she is brother. And she should be yet another reason to keep on the straight and narrow" Billy glanced back at you then said "Oh believe me Curt. I plan to do everything right this time"

  
  
  



	47. Chapter 47

Waking up the next morning after Billy met Adi was one of the most surreal things you'd ever experienced. You half expected it to be a dream but the missing photo from her birthday you'd given him and the fact that "Daddy" was every other word out of her mouth told you it had actually happened. 

\---------------------

"Daddy started working today with Uncle Frank, Uncle Curt and Uncle David. He'll be busy but I'll call and see if he can stop by later ok?" You told her while the two of you rode the elevator down. Sarah had texted you when she pulled up so you wanted to get downstairs before any meter maids came around. You didn't want to tell her no that she couldn't see him but you also knew you couldn't handle diving in head first and seeing Billy daily quite yet. 

You spotted Sarah standing next to her van just outside the door of your apartment building and smiled. Adi's safety seat was strapped in behind the passenger side so you picked her up to put her in it. "Yet again thank you for watching her so much Sarah. It means the world to me to be able to leave her with someone I trust" you spoke over your shoulder after checking the straps twice. She smiled "I enjoy having a little one around again. Perks of being aunt instead of mom is I get to spoil" 

Adi's face brightened up a half second before she said "I met daddy" Sarah who you knew had been side stepping talking about it for your benefit smiled big "You did baby? Did you show him the Lions and coco?" She nodded "I did!" "that's great sweet girl" Sarah shot you a look and you shrugged then mouthed "went ok considering" she gave an understanding smile then said "Well Adi let's let mommy get going so she's not late ok?" 

You leaned into the van and kissed Adi's forehead "I love you babygirl. Be good for aunt Sarah" "love you" she said with a wide grin then plucked Coco up from her side and started telling her a story. You slid the door shut then turned to Sarah "needless to say yesterday was interesting and she may talk about Billy a lot today or at least until you put a disney movie in" 

She laughed then her face fell a bit "No problem but how are you handling it?" You shrugged again "I don't know honestly. I mean he showed up early so it went kind of like bam you're a father!" She grimaced and said "Did it get better?" You thought about the question for a moment then finally nodded "Yeah. We talked a little. He knows all I want is for Adi to have every person who will love her in her life. He's already head over heels for her but I guess one step at a time right?" 

"All you can do. Remember if you ever need to talk I'll listen too. I know you and Karen are closer but I love you girls too" you smiled and pulled her into a hug "I know Sarah. You're all family to us too" you checked your phone and made a face at the time "I gotta get going. I'll see you tonight when I get off. Call if you need me before then" 

You watched them pull away from the curb before you turned around to walk the few blocks to the EMS station. Sarah would've given you a ride but as long as the day was clear you liked the walk besides some nights after pulling a longer shift it was too late to ask anyone to come out and pick you up. Of course Frank would show up to walk with you or Matt and if Curtis couldn't come give you a ride home he'd send Candance or one of the vets you knew from group. You really needed to go ahead and buy a car because after the incident when you'd first went back to squad after having Adi none of them were keen on taking chance as far as you were concerned. 

You imagined Frank getting someone to drop him off so he could ride to your building with you and make sure you got inside safe and that caused a laugh to escape your lips.

\---------------------

Your day pretty much went by without incident. Yeah you responded to two overdoses and a stabbing before lunch but hell that was a normal day on squad.

Your thoughts kept circling back around to the fact of how the hell you were supposed to keep the routine you'd laid in place for yourself and Adi but somehow fit Billy into it. Alice caught you just staring into a cup of coffee and pushed your feet down off the chair you'd propped them up on when she walked up so she could take the chair. 

"So how are we doing?" You cut your eyes up at her and she snickered in that way only she could "That well huh? Well how did Billy take the news? Is he a proud papa or was it a knock down?" You leaned back in your chair to stare at the ceiling making a mental note to let next shift that had taller people on schedule know that the roof seriously needed to be cleaned. 

"Well he showed up before Karen picked up Adi so I sort of answered the door assuming he was Karen so we were standing there staring at each other when Adi screamed mommy from her room"

She grimaced much the same way Sarah had "and how did that go over?" You ran a hand over your face then finally met her eyes "Oh Adi recognized him as daddy. She dove into his arms and they hugged about five minutes before I suggested she go get Coco to show him. That bought long enough for him to ask her name and a few words to get passed between us" "and then?" she asked.

"Then she took him on a tour of her room while I had a mini freak out in the hallway and Karen calmed me down. Then Adi got us to sit down and watch Lion King with her and fell asleep then once I put her down we talked some more. He's got a place a couple blocks from mine. Something that was furnished until he gets back on his feet and Curt got him a cell phone plus it's after one and he's been working in the same building as Frank and we haven't got a call to respond so that's a plus" 

She laughed and patted your leg "See told ya it'll all work out" and ducked before you could swing at her shoulder. "Remind me why I have had you as a partner this long?" You teased and she grinned "Cause you fucking love me! That's why" 

\----------------------

You were throwing everything back in your bag to head home when your phone rang. You glanced down at it to see it was Frank "Hey Frank. Something wrong?" You answered and heard him laugh gruffly "No sweetheart nothing's wrong. Was just wondering if you wanted to grab a cup of coffee before you head home. Karen said she'll meet Sarah at your place to get Adi" he didn't sound like anything was too wrong so you said "sure I'm actually packing up now" 

"I figured. Karen's been at your place for ten minutes and the cab just dropped me off out front. I'll be waiting by the door" he replied then hung up. You shook your head then grabbed your bag and headed out.

\----------------------

Alice was climbing into Kenzie's passenger seat when she spotted you "Hey who's meeting you?" She hollered across the parking lot then saw Frank walk up next to you and waved at him "Glad she's in good hands! Night you two!"

Once they pulled off you looked back at Frank "Diner?" He nodded "lead the way" the two of you walked in silence most of the way until he finally said "How'd he take it? Yeah I've been around him all day and didn't ask" you hadn't expected any deep heartfelt conversations between him and Billy but it surprised you he hadn't asked about something where Adi was concerned.

At the look on your face he added "I just ain't ready to talk to him outside of work shit yet. I asked Curt what he thought but I'd rather hear it from you" you ran down what happened once again leaving the more emotional parts out. 

By the time you got to the diner Frank asked "So he's gonna step up right?" You nodded "Yeah I think so" "Good then maybe I made the right call by going along with this" You walked into the diner first and headed for a corner booth giving Frank the seat with the wall at his back so he'd be more comfortable.

"What's working with him like so far?" You asked after taking a sip of coffee. Frank grunted then said "I barely saw him today. Nelson was there helping to finalize a lot of shit. Tomorrow we'll probably start working closer" you nodded then barely glanced at Frank before asking "are you sure you're ok with all this?" 

He went quiet for a few moments then finally said "Only way to know is to give him enough rope to hang himself. I just know he better act right where little bit is concerned" you smiled at his protective tone and said "I'm hoping he does. She was happy to meet him"

"She deserves anyone who'll love her being in her life" he agreed then raised an eyebrow "How are you handling it?" You laughed then admitted "in stride, pretty much like I do everything"

\---------------------

The two of you were almost back to your place when your phone went off with a text alert so you dug it out while you walked and clicked to read it. It was from the number you'd saved for Billy and read "Not gonna ask if i can come over again tonight. Don't want to crowd you but please give Adi a goodnight kiss from me and tell her daddy loves her"

You smiled and replied "I will definitely do that and thank you for being understanding. Maybe tomorrow night? She'll be at Frank and Karen's place, I have a twenty four hour shift. This change in routine is gonna take some getting used to for everyone"

You started to slide your phone back into your pocket considering the two of you were coming up to your apartment building but it went off again so you checked it to see it was another text from Billy "I've had a lot more distance and time between me and someone I love. Anything worth having is worth the effort right? I'll call tomorrow before I come to make sure it's ok. Good night Y/N" 

You took a deep breath and texted back "good night Billy" then slid your phone into your pocket and followed Frank inside.

* * *

Billy sat staring at his phone after you'd sent him a good night text. He didn't know how to handle all of this. He was out in the free world, working for Homeland security of all places and a father.

Most of his day had been spent in a conference room surrounded by lawyers and agents. Nelson was good at what he did and a friend of yours to boot so he listened to what he had to say but all day his mind kept wandering. What were you doing? What was Adi doing? Just seeing you again had been shock enough then finding out about her had been so far out the realm of what he ever thought would've been a possibility.

"Billy? You good man?" Curtis asked as he sat down across from him and glanced at the phone he still held in his hand. He nodded and finally laid the phone down on the table next to him "Yeah just asked Y/N to give Adi a goodnight kiss for me and tell her I love her" "She already did that every night since Adi's been old enough to understand what she's saying" Curt said with a shrug then glanced back towards the tv where some random show was playing. 

Billy hadn't exactly kept up on stuff like that. "Why did you agree to the deal? Any of you. Why is she letting me be a part of our daughter's life? I don't deserve any of this" Billy glanced around the small living room they were sitting in. 

It wasn't the most luxurious apartment by any means but he had what he needed. It'd came furnished and Curtis had somehow ended up with his clothes from his old place or some of them anyways so he wasn't in need of anything material anyways.

"What you just said proves you deserve a second chance. She loves you man whether she admits it to anyone, even if she doesn't admit it to herself. Her feelings for you might have changed some but they're just as strong as they've always been. Adi deserves everyone who will love her. As for Homeland and all of us? Your skills add to the team. Frank is apprehensive which is understandable but he's trying a new start with Karen so that means trying to move forward. Give it time" 

Billy shook his head with a smirk. Even outside of meetings Curt still talked the same. Always being the most level headed in a group and born to help people. Had Billy been more like him what would've happened differently? "Your girl ok with you being here?" He asked after a minute and Curtis nodded "Her words were make sure him and Frank are good if not I'd hate to see Y/N take your fake leg and beat them both with it for fighting near Adi"

Billy almost choked on the sip of water he'd just drank "Yeah she would do it too. She's an amazing mom" "You'll be a good dad. You already got the love for her after a day" he knew Curtis was trying to assure him but he still felt so lost. 

Frank was the only person he knew that had ever had kids and he damn sure couldn't reach out to him for questions.He glanced over at Curtis before asking "If I have questions would you ask Frank?" "Why can't you?" He asked then rolled his eyes at the look Billy gave him "Yeah I'll ask him but he's gonna know they're coming from you. Any I can help you with?"

"What Adi's favorite color? Her favorite bed time story? I missed so much and yesterday we didn't get far past disney movies and her stuffed wolf" Curtis nodded and started mulling over every small detail he knew about Adi from her favorite fish at the aquarium to her favorite type of ice cream. "But she's only fourteen months. You still have a lot of firsts you can be there for" 

"I'm not fucking up this chance Curt. I love Y/N more than I ever thought I could love someone. Even in the hospital she was the only thing clear in all the fucking wreckage in my brain. I could remember us being together and happy. I could remember how she'd write me when we were deployed and how she kissed me when we got back. Now to know that we're parents? I never knew I could love someone I just met but when Adi called me Daddy and threw herself into my arms I've never felt anything like it" 

Curtis grinned at him and said "Sounds like you're on a good path brother. Just stay on it"

* * *

"What has Frank said? I mean about Billy and all this?" You asked Karen balancing your phone between your ear and shoulder while you walked to your bunk in the station house. You were exhausted and had pulled two double shifts back to back. 

You'd been home long enough to see Adi and grab a shower which had actually made things easier for you because it meant Billy and Adi got to see each other more without you having to be in the middle but it'd also meant Billy having to go to Frank's place to see her.

"I don't know really. I mean he sees Billy trying. He's doing good at work. He's keeping up with seeing Adi when he's supposed to and he's giving you a wide enough berth to let you catch your breath. Frank is Frank you've known him longer than I have. He's good with you regardless and I think eventually the two of them may be ok. They both love Adi and you so they have neutral ground at least" you groaned slightly but didn't let it show in your voice when you said "Have I mentioned I love you Page?" 

Her laugh sounded like she'd let out a breath she'd been holding before she said "Daily. Just know I love you too and we'll get through this. It's already been a week and no big blow ups yet so that's good. Get some rest and have a safe rest of your shift. I'll see you in the morning. I'll bring babygirl and coffee" "Night Karen" "Goodnight Y/N"

You laid the phone down between your bunk and Alice's where you both kept a charging pad for electronics. Maybe you could get a little sleep before the alarms chimed again. 

\--------------------

You felt like you'd just closed your eyes when the alarm rang out. You were pulling your jacket on about the time Alice stepped to the door "C'mon partner. Let's get on it"

* * *

Billy stood in front of Frank and Karen's door trying to get enough nerve to knock. He knew Karen didn't mind him coming to see Adi but him and Frank were still at the point that if the conversation didn't include work they didn't speak. This would be his third time coming here.

He raised his hand to knock about the time the door opened and Frank was standing there looking at him "Bill..were you planning to knock?" "I was working up to it" he said with a half smirk and Frank stepped back to let him in "Adi's in the living room. She's waiting to see you" 

"Thanks Frankie" he said it without thinking and saw Frank's jaw tense. "Don't Frankie me. I do what I do for her and Y/N" Billy knew he should let it go but he also knew Frank needed to get it out. 

"Frank you have every right to hate me. You have every right to want to finish what you started yet instead of putting a bullet in my head you've gave me copies of her favorite bedtime stories even if they came through Curt. Why?"

Frank nodded then leaned back in the door "Karen we'll be inside in a second" "Ok" she called back so he shut the door then turned back to Billy and threw a hard punch. Billy staggered a bit then rubbed his jaw as Frank asked "Did that knock some sense into you cause I need you to listen good" 

A small sense of relief washed over Billy. Maybe if they could get everything out moving forward would be easier "Yeah I'm listening" Frank walked closer to him to the point they were nearly nose to nose "I promised Y/N the day she found out she was pregnant she wouldn't ever be alone in it. That little girl in there that looks so much like you she deserves the world. Thing is I know for a fact you don't want her making the mistakes you've made any more than I do. She needs all of us and I'll be damned if she isn't going to get it. Now we're nowhere near where we were but you're doing right by her and not pushing Y/N so we're as good as we're gonna get for now. It's only been a week man. So do you want to go inside and see your babygirl or go home and wallow in whatever self pity shit you got going on?"

Billy bit back a grin and said "I wanna see my babygirl" "Well come on then" Frank opened the door and waved him inside.

When Karen saw the two of them walk inside along with the mark on Billy's jaw she knew something had blew up between them but considering they both walked in the living room where Adi was playing with her stuffed animals she figured it had come to a halfway peaceful solution. 

* * *

The next morning you had just stepped out the bathroom from showering when you heard a knock on your door. "Coming!" You hollered and half ran half slid to the door thanks to socked feet on hardwood floor.

You were laughing when you opened the door to find Karen and Adi giggling themselves. "Good morning girls!" You greeted as Adi ran into your arms "Missed you mommy!" you swung her around hugging her tight "I missed you babygirl!"

You sat her back down and she grabbed coco from Karen before hugging her "Love you" "Love you too baby" the two of you watched her toddle off then you glanced back at Karen "Do you have time for coffee?" She smiled and said "Of course"

You headed for the kitchen to start coffee while she sat down at the table. 

"So has Billy coming by been going ok?" "Yeah but um I'm fairly certain Frank may have punched him last night" you had to scramble to not spill coffee all over the floor "What now? What happened?"

She shrugged "Honestly I have no idea but they sat and played with Adi for an hour afterwards so maybe whatever happened needed to?" You shook your head and finished starting the coffee then sat across from her. She watched you for a second before a smirk slipped onto her face "Do you realize how much you still feel for him?" 

You felt your cheeks warm with a blush and averted your eyes from her gaze "I can't Karen. That's water under the bridge at this point. I don't even know what he wants" "Maybe he wants that water high enough to save the bridge before it burns completely" you shook your head with a hollow laugh "Can you ever turn the reporter off? I swear you should be a motivational speaker at times" she laughed at that and shrugged "Admit it or not you know I'm right Y/N" 

"We're miles away from that. I've barely been in the same room as him" you half muttered and she reached across to grab your hand "so invite him to dinner when we're all here. See how it goes" "and Frank will be ok with that?" You asked and she smiled "Yeah he'll be ok with that"


	48. Chapter 48

You let nearly a month go by before you worked up the nerve to ask Billy if he'd like to join all of you for the weekly get together. It'd be at your place so having the home field advantage was even better.

You would get off shift at four, Sarah would drop Adi off around five then everyone would start showing up around six. You'd texted Billy that morning to ask if he wanted to join all of you and he'd texted back "Extra time with Adi and actually getting to see you for over five minutes? Of course" you had simply texted back "see you then" 

\-----------------------

"Jesus Christ I'm done man" you groaned flopping down on the bench next to Alice who let out a laugh at your dramatics "Is wonder woman throwing in the towel?" She asked knocking her shoulder against yours.

You cut your eyes at her and stuck your tongue out "Two heart attacks, a stabbing with a combative patient and his buddies and two wrecks. Yeah for now I'm throwing it" she laughed and stood to gather her gear out her locker "Isn't Billy joining the weekly get together?" 

You nodded and grinned at her "Are you sure you and Kenzie can't come?" She shook her head with a sympathetic smile "Sorry babe. Her mom's in town so we're taking her out" "Fair enough. You're literally my only friend with parents or even in laws so that's a legitimate reason"

You stood to gather your own gear and throw it into your go bag. "Want a ride?" She asked after checking her phone to see Kenzie was waiting. You nodded "Yeah sounds good" 

\----------------------

You waved to Kenzie and Alice as they pulled away from the curb then headed inside. You had enough time to throw your uniforms in the washer and grab a shower before Sarah would be there with Adi.

Once you got out of the shower you dressed in a pair of jeans that were old enough they were soft to the touch and a sweater that was even softer. You left your hair down but pulled a tie around your wrist so if you needed to pull it up before the night was over.

You walked into the living room and noticed the time right before there was a knock on the door. You could hear Adi and David talking before you ever got to the door. When you opened it they were still jabbering. "Well hello David" he scrunched up his nose and said "It's still weird when you call me that" 

Adi was practically climbing up your leg so you scooped her up and asked her "Did you have fun today baby?" She nodded "Aunt Sarah took me to park" "That's good baby" you looked back at David and asked "Are you sure you can't join us?" He hugged Adi then said "We got our own night. Leo and Zach took a note from aunt Y/N and have since demanded at least one night a week we all eat out" 

"Glad I can be of some use as an aunt" you said with a grin. He smiled at you then told Adi "Bye sweetie. I'll see you later" "Bye unkie David" 

The two of you watched until he got to the elevator then stepped back in your apartment. 

She wiggled out your arms and headed for her room so you walked into the kitchen to call for enough Vietnamese food to feed the army you had coming over making certain to order double of Frank's favorite since it was also Billy's favorite then grabbed a bottle of water and walked into the living room. 

Adi came back around the corner and grinned at you "Bath time?" You checked the time to see you had about half an hour before the food or anyone would arrive so you nodded "Yup. Elsa PJs or mermaids?" "Elsa!" She giggled and ran for your bathroom.

\--------------------------

Adi was running around with her Elsa cape flapping behind her gown and Coco tucked under her arm when you got a text from Karen saying her and Frank was headed up.

The food had just arrived so you were currently laying it out on the counter along with some plates so everyone could just grab what they wanted. You had just laid the last tray out when you heard a knock at the door followed by Frank sticking his head in "Where's my niece?" 

Adi came sliding around the corner and jumped into his outstretched arms "Unkie Frank!" Karen walked in behind him followed by Curtis and Billy.

You froze when your eyes met Billy's and he smiled "Thanks for inviting me" you finally made yourself tear your eyes away from his face and said "Of course Billy" Adi by then had noticed daddy was in the apartment so she jumped straight from Frank's arms to his "Daddy!"

Curtis winked at you on his way to the kitchen "Hey if Murdock and Nelson aren't here by six twenty they forfeit their food right?" You laughed and said "you know the rules Curt. Everyone gets a half hour to be late before food gets forfeited" you turned back to Adi and said "little miss your chicken nuggets and mac and cheese is ready so why don't you get daddy to direct you to your highchair?"

Billy smiled "Ok little bit you heard mommy. Chow time" he passed you and when your eyes met you felt your cheeks try to warm but was able to shove it down by the distraction of Foggy and Matt coming in the door when Karen opened it for them. 

Foggy held out a bottle of wine "Present from Marci. She's covering a big case so she couldn't come" you took the wine and looked it over approvingly "Gotta love a woman that always sends someone in her place if she can't make an event" 

You kissed his cheek then Matt's "Glad you two could come" you motioned around the room before adding "You both know everyone here. Hell Frank and Billy you represent" 

You had your hand on Matt's elbow while he spoke to everyone then headed in the kitchen where Adi was in her highchair "Where's my favorite girl?" He asked with a grin at the doorway so Adi slapped her hands on the highchair tray "Matty!" He headed over to her and felt her forehead then kissed it gently "There she is"

You watched the two of them with a smile then glanced back towards Billy in enough time to see he was watching you. 

There was a look in his eyes that you couldn't quite place. He looked almost pained. You took a step towards him and tentatively put your hand on his arm "You ok?" He smiled but it didn't reach his eyes the way a genuine one usually did "Yeah I'm good" 

You were used to feeling tension in the air whenever Billy and Frank were in the same room and had resigned yourself to it being there for a while but with the way Billy was acting there was some other type of tension you couldn't put your thumb on. You barely glanced at Curtis but that was enough for him to get the point so he clapped his hands together and said "Well Adi I don't know about the other grownups but uncle Curt's about to join you in eating" and headed for the kitchen. Frank chuckled and fell in step behind him and that seemed to shift a little of the energy in the room.

* * *

Billy watched as you moved around the kitchen handing plates to everyone and telling Matt what was what. Your hair was falling around your face and he had the strongest urge to push it back over your shoulder but knew he didn't have the right to touch you so casually anymore. 

Honestly he didn't know what the hell he was doing here. From what Karen had told him all of you normally got together at least once a week at someone's apartment for food and to catch up on everyone's lives. You'd apparently started it while he was in the hospital recovering. It was a part of your life he'd never been involved in until tonight and part of him felt like an outsider looking in.

He liked Murdock. He was a damn good lawyer and a decent guy but seeing him here interacting so smoothly with Adi and laughing at something you'd said about one of the dishes he had the biggest urge to knock the glasses off his face. Not like it'd be the same as hitting an ordinary blind person right? Not with Murdock's other gig.

He didn't want to exactly bring up to you that his memory had healed to the point of remembering some things about you and Murdock but the longer he watched you touch Matt's back or arm as everyone moved around your kitchen the more the memories as scattered as they were, started flipping through his head.

* * *

You helped Matt get his plate fixed then moved to get your own. Frank was already sitting on the couch flipping through channels on your tv while Foggy gave input on each option and Karen had taken up your recliner. Matt sat at the table across from Curtis so only you and Billy were left at your impromptu buffet spread across the counter.

"I got your favorite" you said with a smile and saw he already had some on his plate "Frank's favorite too" he said and you heard a hitch in his voice that you did recognise. Even after everything you knew Billy well enough to know when something was bothering him. 

You moved behind him to grab your glass of wine and rested your hand on his lower back without thinking anything of it until he tensed under your hand. You quickly moved it and uttered an apology hoping no one had noticed what you'd done but before you could move he laid his hand on your arm and smiled that smile that made your knees weak "I just wasn't expecting it" you nodded not trusting your voice.

"Mommy all done!" Adi called out so you turned your attention to her and saw Curtis was looking between you and Billy who dropped your arm and walked into the living room "Alright baby but don't dive onto the couch everyone is eating" you warned before sitting your plate down so you could get her out the high chair.

* * *

Billy was sitting between Frank and Foggy trying to pay attention to the game Frank had clicked on. It almost felt like old times with Frank hollering at the refs call. When Adi walked over and pointed to the spot between them both men quickly scooted to give her room.

You were eating standing between the kitchen and living room so you could talk to everyone. He'd seen you and Maria both eat while you made rounds at welcome back cook outs so that wasn't a surprise you still had that habit.

* * *

  
  


Foggy and Matt were the first two to have to leave. They had court first thing in the morning so you walked them to your door. You hugged Foggy first and said "Glad you could come. Thank Marci for the wine and tell her she was missed" "Will do" he said with a smile so you reached to hug Matt who smiled when you said "and glad you could come too" his attention was over your shoulder and you started to ask him what he was hearing but Frank cleared his throat and said in a low voice "Mama we got one down" 

You turned around to see Adi who'd just been trying to teach Billy Disney songs was now laid over on his chest fast asleep. "Well in that case I'll see you too later" you said with a smile. 

Karen stood at the door until they got to the elevator so you walked over to where Billy sat with her fast asleep on him. After a moment you shrugged "Billy you wanna carry her to her room so we don't risk waking her?"

He nodded and held her closer to get to his feet then followed you into her room. You moved Coco to the corner of her crib then stepped to the side so Billy could lay her down. He ran a hand across her belly and whispered "Daddy loves you Adi" it warmed your heart every time you got to see the two of them together.

You must have been staring because when he looked up a smirk slipped onto his face "What are you smiling at Y/N?" You shrugged "Our daughter" he glanced back at her sleeping form and nodded "Yeah she's something"

You laid your hand over his that was on the side of the crib and half expected him to jump or pull away but he just turned slowly to look you in the eyes. "Billy you know if anything is bothering you I'm always here to talk..no matter when" his gaze flickered from your hand to your face before he nodded "I know"

In that moment it felt so close to what your heart wanted but you refused to acknowledge out loud. You wanted this. You, Adi and Billy living under the same roof. The two of you putting her to bed together. You knew you couldn't have it. 

For one you'd risk your relationship with Frank. The two of you co parenting was one thing but you didn't know how he'd handle you and Billy actually giving it another try. There was still a lot of bad between them. Not to mention you really hadn't spoken to Billy one on one any. You really had no idea what he wanted.

Billy turned closer to you like he was about to say something but Curtis stepped to the door about that time "Um Y/N Where's your trash bags" you saw Billy's shoulders sag and knew he had been about to say something so you glanced at Curtis "Second drawer next to the sink" "Thanks" 

Once he walked away you'd hoped Billy would continue but he raised your hands up to his lips and left a feather light kiss on it. "You're an amazing woman and mom Y/N. I'm lucky to have you in my life in any way. Just wanted to say that" then dropped your hand gently and walked out Adi's room to head back to the living room.

  
  
  



	49. Chapter 49

Frank was currently out of town with Billy, David, Curtis and a team of Homeland agents so you and Adi had ended up going over to have a girl's night with Karen. You'd worked two eighteen hour shifts back to back and needed to catch your breath.

  
Adi had ended up falling asleep so you tucked her into the toddler bed that was in Karen and Frank's bedroom then headed back into the living room where Karen had wine and a movie waiting. You took the glass she held out then curled up on one end of the couch pulling your feet under you. Both of you were practically swimming in Frank's sweats but they were comfortable and he didn't mind. 

  
"So how's it going with Billy? Has things picked up since Christmas?" She asked and you couldn't help the groan that fell from your lips in aggravation causing her to raise an eyebrow in question "Karen I'm telling you since then he barely wants to be around me when Adi isn't in the room. He comes over to see her like usual but the moment she's down he's out the door. Has he acted off when he comes here to see her?"

  
She bit her bottom lip as her eyebrows knitted in thought for a moment then shook her head "Not really. I mean when he comes here him and Frank talk about work then his attention is on Adi until he leaves. Maybe you're just reading too much into it? I mean you've both went through a lot of changes these last few months with him being in the picture and figuring all that out. Not to mention the whole you're still in love with him and Matt swears both of you sound like your hearts are on the verge of jumping out your chests around each other thing"

  
You took a long sip of wine before saying "Matty needs to keep that bat sonar to himself at times. If Billy reacted like that to me why's he been avoiding me and why has it seemed the longer he's working side by side with Dinah the worse it's getting" you felt sick to your stomach just thinking about it. Billy had been with Dinah. He'd slept with her for months and even rubbed it in your face at one time. 

  
Maybe those memories had resurfaced and he had acted on them? Maybe they were sleeping together again and Billy didn't want to tell you in fear you'd cut him off from Adi not that you would over something so trivial. If he didn't want you that was his choice but you couldn't stand not knowing or the scenarios that ran through your mind of Billy on top of her touching her the way he used to touch you, kissing her in all the places you loved to feel his lips. You had to suppress a shiver of disgust at the thoughts.

  
You didn't know where the jealousy was coming from. Hell Dinah and Sam had come to the hospital the day you Adi was born. You would consider them friends. You had been around Dinah so much since everything happened between her and Billy and hadn't really ever felt even a sliver of jealousy even after he'd gotten out but when his behaviour towards you had started becoming more and more closed off you could only think of so many reasons why. 

  
"Y/N do you really think that's happening?" Karen asked and you avoided her eyes when you finally answered "I honestly don't know. It's not like he's with me so it's not my business. I want to be something more to him again but I don't know if the rewards of saying that to anyone besides you outweighs the risk. I can't hurt Frank again over Billy. I won't, no matter what it costs me"

  
You felt her move a moment before her hand touched your leg and when you finally raised your eyes to meet her gaze she smiled "When they get back I'll talk to Frank. I won't make it sound like it's your idea or that you knew about it at all. As for anything happening around Frank? Do you really think Billy would get by with looking at her twice with Frank, Curtis and David there? They would all be calling you Frank especially. I don't think there's anything between him and her but the fact that they work together. Just give it time. He loves you and the two of you share a beautiful little girl"

  
You were so confused about how you were even feeling but you wanted to believe Billy did still love you, that despite everything maybe one day you two could have a future. You sighed and motioned to the tv "Please start the movie. I need a distraction" she laughed and leaned up to grab the bottle of wine and top your glass off "Yes ma'am" you winked at her and said "I really do love you Karen Page" "Right back at you miss" she replied with a smile then clicked play.

  
\------------------------

  
You'd ended up sleeping on Frank's side of the bed so when Karen's alarm went off the next morning she had to nearly climb over you to hit the button. You laughed as her long legs tangled up with the sheet "So that's how you get him up in the morning times" she started laughing herself and shrugged "Whatever works right?"

  
"Mommy! Aunt Karen!" You sat up to see Adi was sitting up in the toddler bed and felt another giggle bubble up in your throat. Your babygirl might have had Billy's eyes and smile but she had inherited your bed hair. The dark curls were sticking up in every direction as she smiled brightly at the two of you and Karen held her arms out "C'mon pumpkin. You know the drill"

  
Adi jumped into Karen's arms then flipped over to land between the two of you snuggling into the pillows as she did. Karen looked over her head at you "So mommy what's the plan for the day?" You leaned up to check the time and smoothed a hand over your own bed hair "Well I got Curt's meeting at ten then I figure if you don't have to rush off to work we can take little boss lady here to the aquarium" 

  
Karen nodded then cut her eyes down at Adi "Well Miss Russo how does that sound?" Adi grinned and said "I wanna see sharks!" Then climbed down to the foot of the bed and was running by the time her feet hit the floor. You looked back at Karen and laughed "Vets with breakfast then sharks with lunch. At least our day is planned"

  
You kicked the blankets off then helped Karen to make the bed before you headed into the living room after Adi and she headed to find clothes for the day.

  
\--------------------

  
You knew your way around Karen's kitchen as well as she knew her way around yours so when Adi asked for pancakes for breakfast you knew where everything was without hesitation.

  
You'd just finished sitting Karen a plate down next to Adi's when she came walking into the room freshly showered wearing jeans and a sweater and smiled at you "Smells good" you motioned to her plate and said "Adi approves but said they aren't as good as uncle Frank's because he apparently adds chocolate chips when you aren't looking" 

  
Adi grinned around a bite when Karen winked at her "Oops we got uncle Frank blamed for that didn't we?" You shook your head and grabbed your bundle of clothes before asking Karen if you could grab a quick shower before you left to go to the meeting. "Of course Y/N! You know where everything is" she replied and when you walked out the room you heard her and Adi plotting about peanut butter chips in the pancakes next.

  
\----------

  
By the time you walked back into the living room Karen had loaded the dishwasher and sat you a travel mug of coffee next to your jacket and purse. She glanced up from the couch where her and Adi were curling up for whatever movie they'd picked and smiled "It's made the way you like it. Have a good meeting and call me when you're headed back so I can make sure me and little miss are ready to go"

  
You nodded and leaned down to kiss Adi on the cheek "I love you babygirl. I'll see you in a couple hours" she grinned "Love you mommy" then flopped back down on the couch next to Karen despite the fact that you'd place money on her being up and running around before you got on the elevator.

  
\--------------------

  
You moved around the room where Curtis held his meetings setting up the coffee station complete with the pastries and donuts you'd brought from the bakery down the block. A lot of the vets got meals few and far between so you liked having a little more to offer them. 

  
Normally they wouldn't be comfortable with a non vet setting in but you'd built a trust amongst them from how many years they'd seen you around before and after meetings and at any other thing Curtis needed help with including working the soup kitchen when you were pregnant.

  
Not to mention you'd helped Curtis secure the funding for this new building after Anvil went under post Rawlins. You heard your phone go off with a message so you walked over to where you'd laid it down and checked to see it was from Curtis "How's the meeting going?" You rolled your eyes at his worrying and texted back "Check the time Curt. It hasn't even started yet"

  
You could hear voices coming down the hall and recognized most of them by name so when he texted back "Thanks again for covering you" smiled and quickly sent back "No problem. Gotta go. Stay safe" then slid your phone into your pocket. You had a strict rule that your phone didn't come out during meetings unless it was about Adi. 

  
You wanted to make sure the men and women you were there to help knew they had your whole attention but none of them minded when she was an interruption. More than once Joe, Isaac and Leslie asked to see photos of her just to see how she was growing.

  
You knew Joe and Isaac through the fact that they were two of the men Curtis had gotten to walk you home from late shifts before. You really needed to bite the bullet and just buy a damn car already. Maybe when Frank got back you'd see about dragging him and maybe even Billy to a lot with you. The thought of making them two look at sedans for the better part of a day almost made you laugh.

  
After everyone had coffee and their pick of breakfast you took your seat to get the meeting started.

  
\--------------------

  
You were almost back to Karen's when you got a text from her asking where you were and smiled before texting back to let her know you were headed up.

  
You walked into the apartment building and stepped onto the elevator. So far you'd had a pretty good day. Joe's new job was working out, Isaac was getting visits with his son again and Leslie had successfully proposed to her girlfriend of three years. You were glad to see so many of the vets who were regulars at Curtis's group doing well. They more than deserved it.

  
It was just an added bonus that you still had the rest of the day that would be spent with Adi and Karen then the following day that would just be you and Adi until Karen got off work and joined you two for dinner, to relax then you had back to back fourteen hour shifts.

  
They usually went forty eight on, forty eight off unless you were needed to cover for someone or unless you had something come up like Adi getting sick that made it where you couldn't come in then they'd be a little more complicated. 

You loved your job and you were damn good at it plus Chief Michelson loved Adi so he was extremely understanding as far as you having a child to think about was concerned.

  
\-------------------------

  
Before you knew it your off time was up and it was time to go back to work. You were glad it was a fourteen hour instead of sixteen or eighteen shift. It was bad enough leaving before Adi ever woke up but you especially hated not coming home until she was fast asleep.

  
Karen was knocking on your door at five thirty that morning. You'd just pulled your hair up and was gathering your stuff so you opened the door on your way to grab your med bag and backpack out the hall closet "Sarah will come by and pick her up at nine after she drops Leo and Zach off then she'll drop her off to you around six. I'll be off by eight so I'll be home by eight thirty. Matt said he'd be leaving Lil's around eight so he'll swing by the station and walk me. I'm seriously considering going car shopping finally" 

  
She nodded and watched you bounce around your place gathering everything "Frank will go with you". You glanced back towards Adi's room and smiled "Oh I already planned to ask him" then pointed towards the kitchen and added "coffee is made if you want some. There's fresh bagels in there too" then headed for the door "Ok. Have a good day at work and be safe" she called after you as you stepped into the hall and said "I'll try" before closing the door behind you.

  
\----------------------

  
You stood in front of the dryer at the station house digging your uniforms out and folding them back into your backpack. You had started to make it a point to wash them there because of not only the different bodily functions you came into contact with and the thought of any of that mixing with Adi's clothes made you want to vomit but you also didn't want her to see the times you'd gotten blood on you at work. She was too young still to explain it but now old enough to question it.

  
You heard the door open behind you and didn't have to look to know it was Alice. "Do you need a ride home tonight?" You shook your head and glanced over your shoulder at her "No I got someone coming to walk me" she nodded and sat down on the bench grabbing one of your shirts to fold "When are you finally gonna admit it's time you get a car?" 

  
You laughed and took the folded shirt from her to put with the rest "Actually I had already made up my mind to go this weekend. Frank will be back so I figure what better way to get a good deal then have the punisher with me" "Scare the car dealer. Good plan" she said with an approving smile.

  
\--------------------

  
After you had your laundry all done the two of you headed out to the bay to do an inventory of your rig. It was the last thing you did each shift so once that was done and next shift showed the two of you were free leave.

  
You'd just finished when Ash and Riley walked in. "Perfect timing ladies. She's all ready for ya" you said patting the side of the ambulance while you climbed out.

  
\--------------------

  
You walked back to the locker room with Alice while she texted Kenzie to let her know she was getting off and would be headed home after that. "She feeling better from getting her wisdom teeth out?" You asked.

  
She nodded "Yeah. She appreciated the care package you sent by the way" you smiled as you finished packing your backpack and med bag. "I figured it would help" 

  
\--------------------

  
You had just walked outside when your phone went off with a text so you pulled it up to see it was from Lilith "Matt just headed your way. He'll be there in five" you texted back "Ok and btw glad everything went good on that fugitive hunt" then slid your phone into your pocket and glanced at Alice who stood staring at you "escort is on the way ma'am and I promise to not leave from the door until they get here"

  
She studied your face for a second before nodding slowly "Ok..you know I just worry about you mama" then climbed into her car. 

  
\--------------------

She honked and pointed back towards the door in a warning to not move before she pulled out onto the road.

  
Her tail lights hadn't even made the corner when you spotted Matt and smiled "There he is" a smile slipped onto his face and you noticed a slight blush was with it "Um we kind of lost track of time" you grimaced at the thought of him leaving anything with Lil to walk you home but he apparently picked up on that and shook his head "Nothing was interrupted. Just finding clothes became a bit of a scavenger hunt" 

  
You couldn't help but laugh "Matt Murdock you dog" the blush on his cheeks spread up to his ears and he offered his arm out "Well can this dog walk you home ma'am?" You slid your arm through his and said "Of course"

  
\---------------------

  
The two of you started talking as you walked. He was telling you about Li's last fugitive hunt and you laughed at the fact that she scared all the other marshals. It wasn't that it was funny it was the fact that it seemed all the men in your life were drawn to women who weren't physically intimidating but had more fire in them than hell itself.

  
You and Matt had an easy friendship even after you'd dated for the time you had. Neither of you had allowed it to be weird so it hadn't been. He was easy to talk to you and you were glad he'd stuck around in your life. It seemed like a lifetime since you'd met him, Foggy and Karen.

  
"So how are things going with Billy?" He asked and you knew your silence was answer enough for him. He squeezed your hand that was around his arm gently before he stopped walking and said "If you ever need to talk I'm around" you smiled and leaned your head over on his shoulder for a second before saying "Thanks Matt" then the two of you started back walking.

  
He opened his mouth to say something then shut it back "Um Y/N. There's someone up ahead. I can hear them breathing. Seems upset"

You were on high alert as you scanned the sidewalk. Only when your eyes fell on the familiar shadow a couple yards away did you allow yourself to take a breath "It's Billy" you said with a smile and pulled your hand from Matt's arm to walk towards where he was leaned against a wall but stopped when he pushed off of it and said "Just came to see if you had someone walking you and you do"

* * *

  
Turning away from you while you were looking at him like that was one of the hardest things Billy had ever done. He'd just gotten off a plane and as soon as he'd dropped his gear off at his place he'd headed for the station house. He knew what time you were getting off from hearing Frank and Karen talk so he figured he could walk you home and at least peek at Adi.

  
What he hadn't expected was to see you and Matt standing so close on the sidewalk, faces towards each other talking about something. He'd stopped to watch knowing he should've just turned around and left. The moment you laid your head on over Matt's shoulder he felt his heart want to stop.

  
It was such an innocent action to someone who didn't know but he could close his eyes and see the two of you so long ago flirting and touching while you were completely oblivious to anyone else. The way you'd smiled and the look you had when you'd kissed. The worst part was it was his fault you'd ever been with Murdock.

  
He heard Murdock say something else to you that made your head pop up and he knew the moment you'd saw him because your shoulders went from high and tense to relaxed. He wanted to believe it was because you were glad to see him but he knew it was just because you were glad Murdock wouldn't have to do anything to risk his alter ego being discovered out in the open.

  
When you walked towards him the smile on your face almost kept him in place or until he reminded himself that he wasn't the one who'd put that smile there. He forced himself to seem calm when he finally said "Just came to see if you had someone walking you and you do"

  
When he turned around to walk off you'd called him twice but he shrugged your hand off his arm, ignoring the wounded look in your eyes. "I gotta get going" then left you standing on the sidewalk. He knew Matt would make sure you were ok, probably in ways that would make him want to commit murder if he thought too hard on. He just needed to go home and forget about seeing you with Matt then come the morning he'd act like it hadn't happened when he went to see Adi.

* * *

  
"He wasn't angry as much as he seemed hurt" Matt said in a confused tone as he walked you into the door of your apartment building. "Hurt about what?" You asked and he shrugged "Can't hear thoughts Y/N but he seemed that way too when we all had dinner. Whatever is bothering him may have something to do with his TBI. He's come a long way but there's parts he's still healing" 

  
You let out a breath and nodded then kicked yourself considering it was Matt although you'd always assumed he had some way to know you'd nodded "I know. Anyways I'm gonna head up. Let me know when you're home ok?" "Ok. Kiss Adi for me" he said with a smile then walked out so you headed for the elevator trying to figure out what could be bothering Billy.

  
\--------------------

  
Your mind was taken off Billy by the fact that Karen, Frank and a half asleep Adi were waiting for you in your apartment.

  
"There's mommy little bit" Frank told her, running a large hand over her back where she was sitting in Karen's lap. She raised up slowly and smiled when she saw you in the doorway "Mommy! Unkie Frank is here" 

  
You laughed and walked over to pick her up "I see that baby. Wanna give love so you can go to bed?" She nodded and kissed Karen on the cheek and hugged her before climbing over to do the same to Frank "love you" "we love you too sweetheart" Frank told her with a smile as he held her up to you.

  
"Let me get her down before you leave" you told them and Karen nodded "We'll be right here"

After Adi knocked out which was a total of five seconds you walked into the living room to find Karen and Frank watching tv and almost laughed when you saw it was princess and the frog "Enjoying it?" You asked and Frank chuckled "It's alright"

  
\--------------------

  
You spent about half an hour with them while you both caught him up on what had happened around and about in the last week. During that time Matt had texted you to let you know he was home so after they called it a night with plans to come by the next morning you had every intention of going to bed but the more you thought about the way Billy had acted the more you wanted answers.

  
It wasn't quite ten and Curtis had said whenever you needed anything to call but you didn't want to interrupt him and Candace so you decided to text first "Welcome back. Are you with Candace?" After just a moment he texted back "No. Why? Do you need her?" 

  
You bit your bottom lip considering whether or not this was a good idea before saying screw it and texting back "No was actually wondering if you could come sit with Adi for about thirty minutes or so and let me borrow your car so I don't have to get a cab"

  
You had laid your phone down but when it went off you quickly grabbed it from next to you on the couch and smiled when you saw the last text read "I'll be over in a few"


	50. Chapter 50

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Things are picking up for "you" and Billy. Is a real second chance in the cards after all?

One thing you'd loved about Curtis from the first time you met him. The man didn't ask questions if a friend told him they needed something. 

He showed up at your place and when you opened the door he handed you the keys to his car then proceeded to grab a drink out your fridge and sit on the couch "I'll be here however long you need me to stay with her Y/N. Go take care of whatever you have to" 

You leaned over the back of the couch and hugged him around the shoulders "You're one in a million Curt" he laughed and said "Can i get that in writing?" You grabbed your jacket and slipped it on before replying "Hell I'll even get Foggy to notarize it" "Be careful" he called as you headed out the door.

\----------------------

You hadn't exactly planned what you were going to say to him as you parked in front of Billy's building. A sick thought occurred of the possibility of him having someone in his place with him but you pushed it off your mind. 

You had to know what was going on with him even if it was just to make sure it wouldn't mess up his schedule seeing Adi because normally that would've been his first stop.

You locked Curtis's car and slid the keys into pocket. You kept an eye on your surroundings until you got in the building then headed for the elevator.

When you finally got to the third floor you found your steps slowing the closer you got to his door and realized you were nervous. Every fear you'd ever had about Billy was popping up in your head. From him having someone in there all the way to him deciding family life wasn't for him. No he loved Adi. That much you'd bet everything on.

\---------------------

You stopped in front of his door and took a deep breath before knocking. You heard his muffled voice from the other side say something along the lines of "Hold on" before the door was swinging open to show Billy dressed in a dark blue t-shirt and black jeans. He'd taken his jacket off since you'd saw him but it was apparent he'd been wide awake.I

His dark eyes scanned your face for a long moment worry showing plainly in them "Y/N? Are you ok? Is Adi ok?" You finally nodded after a moment spent just staring into his eyes "I'm fine and she's ok but I need to talk to you"

You saw him take a deep breath like he was bracing himself for something before he stepped back and motioned you inside "Come on in"

\--------------------

You stood just inside Billy's door and let your eyes flicker around his apartment. You'd been there a couple times but it was such a contrast to how his last place had been it startled a part of you still. 

The only decoration in the place was a few pictures of Adi scattered around the room. 

Everything else was so blatantly bare it hurt some part of you to see. You finally turned to face him and realized he'd been staring at you so you decided to jump in head first "Billy you've acted weird towards me since Christmas. Now I don't know what I did but please tell me. At least for Adi's sake cause I don't know a lot about the whole co parenting thing but I know everything is easier when two people are on the same page"

"It's you and Matt" he finally said after a moment and you took a tentative step towards him before you found the words to ask "What about me and Matt?" 

* * *

Billy couldn't look you in the eye as the memories flooded his head. Of all the things he'd worked to get back a large part of him wished those memories had been among the ones Frank had knocked permanently out of his head.

He could see you that night in Josie's. He'd found out about you seeing Matt from some mutual friends. He couldn't quite remember who but he'd seen you around with him and couldn't help but show up at the bar once he discovered Matt and Foggy frequented it.

He'd sat in the corner knowing how to lose himself in a crowd and waited. It wasn't long before he'd heard your voice. He followed the sound to see you sitting in a corner booth with Matt, Alice and Kenzie.

For longer than he'd ever care to admit he'd watched you and Matt. You were beautiful. The black jeans you wore hugged your body perfectly and the red top showed just enough cleavage to be sexy but not too showy. Matt was attentive to you. Never turning away when he spoke and leaning closer when the noise in the bar started to grow. 

He watched as you had leaned your head over on Matt's arm much like you had tonight. He had broken the beer bottle in his hand when you tilted Matt's face towards yours and left a lingering kiss on his lips. 

You had looked happy until you saw him then your whole demeanour had changed. You whispered something to Matt then when he'd purposely stepped in your path when the two of you started to leave. You'd grabbed Matt's arm and walked out, he hadn't even wanted to imagine what you'd done when you'd left the bar.

* * *

The longer Billy remained quiet the more worried you got. When he started rubbing his hand roughly across his head, tugging slightly at the longer locks that'd grown out since he'd been out you knew you had to do something to break him out his own mind so you stepped closer to him and gently put your hands on both sides of his face. "Billy?" 

He blinked a few times before his eyes finally focused on yours. You smiled when you saw that he was actually looking at you "Talk to me. What is bothering you about me and Matt?" 

He closed his eyes and took a few slow breaths before he finally covered your hands with his own holding them to his face "I remember you being with him. I remember the two of you as a couple after I broke up with you. Every time I've been around you and him together it digs it in a little deeper. He's a good guy Y/N. A better guy than me"

"Billy open your eyes" when he did as you asked you pulled your hand free from his face but before his face could fall from the perceived rejection you grabbed one of his hands and placed it on your pulse point on your neck "My heart beat speeds up when I lie..no matter how hard I try for it not to so I want you to feel as I say this. I was with Matt yes. He treated me damn good and me and him are still close friends and hopefully will remain friends because by now I couldn't imagine my life without him in it but I do not want to be with him like that. Nothing with him ever came anywhere near you. When I think of my future these days I think about Adi and you"

\--------------------

His dark eyes never left yours as you spoke and you felt his hand shift to be cupping the side of your face instead of holding your neck "Do you mean that?" He asked in a low voice that made your stomach flip "Yes Billy I mean it"

Without thinking you surged forward catching his lips in a quick kiss. He looked as stunned as you felt when you pulled back. You studied each other for a moment before he was suddenly kissing you like he was trying to make up for the years you'd been apart.

Every part of your body felt like it was on fire as Billy advanced on you and you backed up until your back hit a wall never daring to pull your lips from his in fear of breaking the moment. His kiss had always been intoxicating and after this long you felt like an alcoholic that had allowed themselves a drink of the finest whiskey.

His hands smoothed down your sides pulling light noises from your lips as you moved your hands to his shoulders trying to pull him even closer. He let his hands move lower to grip your hips tightly which caused a gasp of surprise to leave you.

\--------------------

As suddenly as it had started it was over. Billy drew back from you and backed away like you were on fire. Your chest was heaving from his actions moments before but you were hurt. Did you do something wrong? Or did he really just not want you like that any more?

"I can't do this. Not now" he muttered and it felt like a slap in the face when it occurred to you he meant kissing you. "Why can't you kiss me Billy?" You asked, feeling very defensive until he spun around and the emotions in his eyes made your breath catch in your throat 

"Because I don't want to just kiss you. I want nothing more than to show you how much I've missed your touch, your taste..those sounds you make when you're under me and coming undone. But I can't. I love you and our daughter with everything I have but I'm not fucking up this second chance. I need to be the man you both deserve and being with you like that now wouldn't be right"

You threw up your hands in a mixture of frustration and pure embarrassment from initiating the kiss to start "Why does everyone else think they know what I deserve or not?" He stepped back closer to you and cupped your cheek once more "Sweetheart it's because of how much I love you that I want to do this right by waiting"

You froze staring into his eyes and knew he'd meant every word. It took you a second before you were able to say "I don't mind waiting" he smiled and leaned forward to press a kiss to your forehead. 

You closed your eyes when you felt his lips on your skin and grabbed his arm before he could step away "My couch is pretty comfortable so why don't you come over? Adi would love to wake up to daddy after a week without seeing you" he searched your face for any uncertainty about him staying at your place and when he didn't find any nodded "Let me grab some clothes"

\-------------------

The ride back to your place was in silence. You glanced at Billy whenever you got to a stop light and he'd simply smile at you. A part of you was worried what Curtis may say about Billy coming home with you as you parked in front of your building and both of you headed inside.

\---------------------

When you walked into the door of your apartment Curtis glanced up from the tv and simply hitched an eyebrow when he saw Billy walk in the door behind you. "She's sleeping soundly mama" he said with a smile as he stood up and walked towards you.

You leaned up to hug him "Thanks Curt" he nodded when he pulled away and said "Anytime Y/N. Have a goodnight" then glanced at Billy and added "You too" and patted his shoulder on the way out too.

After Curtis walked out you realized you and Billy were still standing in the entryway of your apartment so you motioned to the couch "I'm gonna grab a quick shower then I'll get you a pillow and blanket. If you want we can watch a movie or something?" He nodded and said "Sounds good. Mind if I grab a shower after you?" "Yeah no problem. I'll be quick"

\---------------------

You went back and forth on what to wear to bed then finally just decided on your usual bed clothes consisting of an oversized shirt and some sleep shorts. Wasn't like Billy hadn't seen you in a lot less.

You grabbed the extra pillow off your bed and stepped into the closet to grab one of your spare blankets then walked back into the living room.

Billy was sitting on the edge of the couch and glanced up when you walked out. You walked over in front of him and held out the pillow and blanket "I'm gonna check on Adi while you're in the shower" he nodded and sat the pillow and blanket down next to him and said "I'll be quick" then stood to head to your bathroom.

\--------------------

When Billy got out the shower you were sitting in the recliner scrolling through the lists of movies you could watch. You were used to watching Disney ninety percent of the time so it felt weird to be looking at anything else. "So what you pick?" He asked and you glanced up to see him standing in the doorway in a pair of grey sweatpants and a white t-shirt. 

"Um thinking a western?" He nodded and dropped his dirty clothes into his overnight bag "Sounds good to me" he sat on the couch and his eyes flicked towards you a few times before he motioned next to him "Wanna sit over here with me?" 

You tried to ignore your heart beating in your throat when you stood and walked across to sit next to him. You were being ridiculous. This was Billy, the father of your child. You'd known him for so long it was hard to remember a time before him yet you felt like a teenager left alone with her boyfriend for the first time.

He stretched his arm over the couch behind you then leaned over and whispered in your ear "If you don't relax a little I'm gonna start feeling unwanted here" you smiled then let yourself sink back into the cushion and pulled your feet up under you. After it was clear you were comfortable he grabbed the remote and clicked play.

\---------------------

As you were watching the movie you felt your eyelids getting heavy but fought it. The longer you stayed up the longer you got to be around him without any pretenses having to be put forth but when your head dipped one time and you woke up a little while later with your head back against his shoulder you realized the fight was useless. You were fucking exhausted and needed to go to bed.

* * *

When your head started dipping Billy tried to keep the smile off his face. He'd seen you try to stay awake past exhaustion more than once and knew what it looked like. When your head dipped the last time and he felt a pressure against his shoulder he smiled when he glanced down and saw you were leaning against him.

God it felt like heaven with you so close to him but he knew it was only temporary. You'd have to go to bed eventually then come morning you'd go to work and so would he and the moment would be over. Hell he didn't even know if you'd still feel the same way when morning found you.

When you sat up and stretched with a yawn he smiled when you said "Sorry Billy. I gotta head to bed" you stood up and was almost to your room when he said "Goodnight Y/N. I love you"

* * *

You froze with your hand on your door. You didn't know what to say. Hours before Billy had just told you he wanted to wait to try to be together again but now he was saying he loved you?

You didn't try to face him. You knew you couldn't look into his eyes and not say you loved him, not say you wanted to be with him so you simply said "If you need anything knock" and walked into your room shutting the door behind you.

* * *

Billy was asleep when he heard a scream and jumped straight up off the couch. Before his feet hit the floor good he was moving towards your room. He'd know your voice through any fog of sleep. You sounded in pain. 

He'd just touched the handle to open it when it opened to show you. Your eyes were wide with still unshed tears and he saw streaks of them down your cheeks. Your hands were shaking when you nearly collapsed against his chest, heavy sobs wracking your body.

He held you tight trying to comfort you enough you would be able to tell him what was wrong. "Sweetheart, talk to me. I'll do my best to fix whatever it is" you finally pulled away from him a bit and he felt his heart break at seeing you so upset "Rawlins had Adi. He hurt her Billy. I have to check on her" 

He had to force the knot in his throat back down to his stomach. Of course his sins were still haunting you "Rawlins is dead. I promise you. Adi is ok. She's safe" you shook your head, eyes still wide "No i have to check on her Billy. I have to make sure that she's safe. I have to" 

He nodded and said "Ok love. I'll go with you to check on her. I'll even double check the window" he started to step back so you could lead the way but your hand shot out and grabbed his arm "Please stay close to me. I don't want to be alone right now" he slid his arm around your shoulders without a word.

He could feel his jaw tensing as he stood watching you check Adi twice over then you moved to insure her wardrobe was in front of the window which was locked up tight. He hated seeing you like this. He hated not being able to fix it. He'd do anything for you and Adi but he couldn't kill someone who was already dead. 

He didn't want to disturb you but after a moment you reached back for his hand and pulled him up next to you. He ran a hand across your lower back and said "See? She's safe" 

Your voice was barely a whisper when you said "He hurt her Billy. It felt so real" he pulled you against his chest hoping to give you some sort of comfort "I'm so sorry" he hoped you knew he meant that for so much more than a nightmare.

You laid your head over on his chest so he wrapped you in a hug before you said "Thank you for being here. I haven't told anyone else about the dreams besides Alice and Karen. Alice only knows because I had a few at work before during a long shift. Karen because I've been sharing a bed with her and had one. They've happened since I was pregnant"

He closed his eyes against the flood of emotion that came along with knowing how long you'd been dealing with the horrors alone. "Y/N I promise you I will die before I let anyone lay a finger on you or her" you sniffled against his chest and nodded "I know you would Billy" 

* * *

You felt horrible to even ask but you knew normally after a nightmare you didn't see a lot of sleep so before you could stop your mouth the words had already escaped "Billy would you mind laying down with me? I don't want anything but for you to hold me. If I know you're there I'll know she's safe"

You wanted to take it back in fear but he just leaned down to gently touch Adi's back then grabbed your hand "Of course sweetheart"

You walked into your bedroom with Billy following you. Your nerves were still very much on edge and every noise made you jump. "Which side?" He asked and you pointed to your side of the bed so he went around and sat on the other side then looked back at you "Do you want me to hold you or do you want to lay on my chest like you always liked to do?" 

You swallowed twice before saying "chest" he climbed under the blanket then held it up "C'mon" you slowly climbed into the bed and scooted over until you were almost next to him "Are you sure? I mean I know we aren't back together I just I want you close after that. I still feel safe with you"

He reached out and pulled you onto his chest "It's fine. I'm glad to be here" you took a few seconds to get comfortable then glanced up to see he was watching you with that patent Russo smirk "Good now?" You nodded "I'm much better. Thanks for doing this"

He raised an eyebrow and his smirk deepened into a grin "No thanks needed for holding the woman I love when she needs me" you rolled your eyes then said "I mean it Billy. You said you weren't ready and this is more intimate than any amount of kissing" he leaned down and left a gentle kiss on your temple "You're welcome sweetheart. I would do anything for you and our babygirl"

"Is there anyway I can help you?" You asked letting your fingers lazily draw circles on his clothed chest "You already are. You let me in our daughter's life and back into yours. These last few weeks I hated pulling away from you but I had to know if you wanted Matt because I meant it when I said you only deserve the best yet you still want me. When you came to my place tonight, that meant more than anything. Even after everything. Even though we're not quite sure what the future holds you want me here comforting you. I never dreamed of getting this again"

You cut your eyes up at him "I want us to have another chance Billy" he brushed your hair back from your face before saying "I do too but we have to get there first. I know how much Frank means to you and I won't make you pick between us. I need to prove to him that I've changed. You and Adi..everything should be perfect for you two"

"What if it's not?" You asked lowering your eyes but he raised your chin up with one finger and smiled "When I have you and her? How could it not be perfect?"

He held your chin while he placed a gentle kiss to your lips. When he pulled away he said "Just know I love you. I have for years and I always will. You have always been the best thing in my life and now we have a perfect little girl. I wouldn't want a future without some hope for us. As for tonight lay your head down and get some sleep. You and her are safe"

You laid your head down on his chest and let the steady beat of his heart lull you to sleep.

* * *

Billy woke up a little while before you and started to pinch himself to make sure he was in fact not dreaming. You were really here cuddled up to him. 

Your hand twitching against his chest was the first sign you were waking up. When your eyelids fluttered open you looked up at him with a sleepy smile and let one finger trace the scar on the cheek that was closest to you "Good morning. Did you sleep good?" He nodded "How about you? No more bad dreams?" 

The way he felt when you smiled sweetly and said "Not a one" would've been enough to make him joke at his own expense at one time but now he relished the feeling.

Before anything else could be said he heard a noise that sounded very much like your front door opening and heard you curse yourself for forgetting the chain lock.

He was out the bed and to the door before you. He glanced back "Stay here just for a second please?" You nodded so he stepped out the room.

* * *

You were about to go out behind Billy when you heard Frank's voice even though it was lower than usual "What the fuck are you doing here?"

You quickly stepped out of the room to find the two of them staring each other down in your kitchen. Frank was clearly on the offense while Billy was just trying to gauge whether or not he was about to be forced to duck a punch.

You moved across the floor to be effectively between the two of them "Frank please calm down. This isn't what it looks like" "Oh sweetheart I am calm for the simple fact that I know Adi is asleep but are you really gonna try to tell me you and Bill both didn't just come out of your bedroom?"

"We slept as in actual sleep. That was it Frank" you kept your voice low but steady. "Yeah Bullshit. Tell someone else that" he nearly growled but you didn't shy away from him. "What's that supposed to mean?" 

He looked between you and Billy "It means the last time he was in your bed as far as I know anyways you had Adi or do you not remember crying to me because you didn't want to be alone when you found out you were pregnant?" you flinched at his tone and the memory.

Billy didn't want to get into it with Frank but he had to speak on your behalf "Frank you're overreacting man" Frank glared at him as he said "Funny I don't remember even talking to your ass?"

He turned back to you "Y/N i fucking love you and that little girl in there but are you forgetting the hell he's put all of us through? Hell you don't even trust him to go on a mission with me and Curt and not fuck Madani why would you want him in your bed?" You felt Billy freeze and glanced over to see he wasn't even looking at Frank but was staring at you "Yeah didn't think she'd told ya that Bill. She don't trust you either"

* * *

Billy felt like he'd been hit by a truck. Was that why you came to his place? You thought he'd been screwing Dinah? Hell the two of them didn't speak to each other outside of work or her asking about you and Adi. How fucked up was he that he couldn't show you that he only wanted to be with someone if that someone was you

"Y/N?" Billy asked Frank temporarily forgotten. You nodded "You threw it in my face that you were fucking her at one time Billy then you started acting weird" he shook his head "I never felt about her or any woman for that matter how I feel about you" he wanted to pull you into his arms but he knew when to leave well enough alone.

* * *

You wiped the hot angry tears from your face as you looked between them both. Fuck it hurt just looking at them. The two men that had always meant the most to you and they could barely be in a room when you were concerned "Frank he didn't pull the trigger. His crime in Maria and the kids dying is the fact that he should've let Rawlins kill me. Now me and Karen have talked about this and I know she's talked to you. You've seen how he's changed. He loves Adi. He's trying to be there for you and Curt again. Hell Sarah has even told us how he protected her and Zach when shit went down. I shouldn't be asked to pick between the men I love because one was a fucking idiot and should've let me die multiple times over"

You felt your hands shake and saw both Frank and Billy's faces fall when they both reached for you but you stepped away "No. I'm sick of this shit. I have been being pulled in two damn directions for too long. Frank you and Curt knew about his deal before I ever did so it could've been squashed long before I knew. Billy, whatever guilt you carry voice it now. This is coming to a head before Adi wakes up or I swear I will kick you both out"

They stared at each other for a long moment before Frank said "I want to hate you and I hate that I don't want you dead anymore" "Why?" Billy asked and Frank pointed to Adi's room "She lights up when she sees you. Y/N has been beating herself up for having feelings for you since she found out she was pregnant. I can't hurt them and you dying would. See, Adi is your daughter but I was there supporting Y/N when she had her. Not only that but Y/N has waded into shit neck deep for me. I ain't gonna lie I can see you've changed but I can't let myself not hate you. Not yet"

Billy nodded then said "I get it Frankie but there's nothing I can do to make it up to you" "Y/N and Adi are the only thing I have left of Maria and my kids. If you two didn't have sex why were you in her bed? I'm not standing by for you to use her"

You held up a hand and when Frank looked your way you sniffled before saying "I invited him to sleep on the couch so he could spend a little time with Adi. I woke him up when I had a nightmare about Rawlins hurting her. He comforted me and made sure I knew he'd keep her safe and I slept for longer than a few hours at a time for the first night in years. These nightmares haunt me because I know I shouldn't have this life. Frank I want for me and Billy to eventually have another real chance but I can't lose you"

Frank finally broke and pulled you into his arms shushing you quietly "You're not losing me. It'll take time but you're not losing me" Billy stepped forward and when Frank looked up he said "Frankie no lines were crossed because I know I don't deserve her and Adi. She should put me through the wringer for another chance. I love her and Adi more than life itself. I want to be a brother to you and Curt again one day but I swear to you if I fuck up this chance I'll load the gun and hand it to you. Their happiness means more than my life"

Frank held out a hand and when Billy shook it he said "I'm holding you to that"

You laughed against Frank's chest and when they both looked at you like you'd grown a second head you shook your head "Why does everything with you two have to have some alpha male bullshit agreement?" Frank kissed your forehead with a chuckle and said "Let's talk about it over coffee"

You heard Adi call you from her room and a small smile found Billy's face "Can I?" You nodded so he headed for her room.

\---------------------

Frank watched him go then said "He is doing better and he does love her. I'll give him both of them cause he has my back in the field even though I've told him I don't think I'll ever fully trust him again"

"Frank I want a future with him but only if I can have you too. I've waded into shit neck deep to pull you out because I can't lose you and I just want to know if it's possible to have you both even in the future?" You could barely look at him but he put the coffee down then said "Y/N look at me"

When you did he took a breath then said "Honestly there isn't a lot that would make me walk away from you and Adi. Just take it slow and go in with your eyes open. As long as he treats you two like you're the best things he's ever even came near having a chance of having we won't have any trouble. He needs to keep you and her safe and happy but when you decide to give him another chance just don't hide anything from me please"

Without thinking you pulled him into a hug "I love you Frank" he chuckled and patted your back "Yeah kid I love you too"

  
  



	51. Chapter 51

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Things are going good for you and Billy. Will things stay that way or will something happen to put things into perspective and reveal just what "incident" happened to you and Alice?

It seemed that the tension between Frank and Billy needed you in the middle for it to finally break. After the blow up at your apartment resulting in you in tears and the two of them finally laying their cards on the table everything started to run more smoothly in your life. 

There was an understanding between them now. You knew Frank couldn't forgive Billy for the past anymore than Billy could ever forgive himself but when you would see the two of them together doing something as simple as drinking a beer you had hope for the thought of having them both in your future.

\--------------------

There were still times that doubt reared it's ugly head into your mind. You'd had to push back going car shop because you'd had to cover someone's shift at work then Frank and Billy had both been working so much they hadn't had a full day off.

Karen had offered to go with you but the honest truth like it or not if car dealers see two women they try their best to fuck them over. Wasn't like you hadn't went long without a car anyways. A little longer wouldn't hurt.

\----------------------

You'd taken the advantage of a rare weekend off to spend a saturday with Adi. The two of you had met Karen at the aquarium which was a must for Adi then ended up going to see a movie of her picking while Karen went to run some errands.

When you put her to bed that night she'd yawned sleepily and asked "Mommy can we see daddy tomorrow?" You thought about it for a second. He should be off since the following day was Sunday.Hell Karen had taken them all lunch while you and Adi were at the movies which had resulted in you getting a text from Frank that read "Well Bill didn't get to see you and little bit so now he'll pout the rest of the damn day" 

Not to mention Adi hadn't seen Billy in a couple days, not due to any fault of his but because his schedule had been insane and so had yours and Karen's so neither of you had gotten a chance to take her by the Homeland office. "I'll call daddy to tell him you want to see him tomorrow ok baby?" She nodded and grabbed Coco "Love you mommy" "Love you too baby"

\----------------------

You pulled Adi's door shut and walked into the living room to put away the few toys she'd left out. Your phone was laying on the table so you grabbed it to see you had a text from Billy "If you and Adi aren't busy tomorrow morning I'd love to take the two most beautiful women in New York out for breakfast"

You rolled your eyes even though your stomach flipped slightly before hitting his number to call him back. After two rings he answered "Didn't expect a call but I'm not complaining" you smiled then said "You actually have good timing. Adi told me when I was putting her to bed she wanted to see you tomorrow"

You could hear the smirk in his voice when he said "See me and my babygirl were already on the same page. What about you? Do you want to see me considering Karen is the one that bought lunch" you shook your head because you knew what he was asking even reading between the lines it was clear "I wasn't avoiding you Billy. There's a new Disney movie out and what can I say our daughter loves giving my paychecks to the rat"

He let out a breath that sounded like he was relieved before saying "Well you could've come by before the movies. I would've gave you the money" "Billy you give me more than enough already not to mention what's still in the bank" since finding out about Adi he'd started buying anything she needed and giving you money every time he got paid despite your protests that you could handle your bills on your own.

A silence fell back between the two of you heavy enough you could feel it over the phone. Hard to believe this was the same man you'd spent so much of your adult life with, the father of your child yet now the two of you had trouble talking at times. Hell it had gotten where it seemed talking between him and Frank had become easier than it seemed between you and him.

It was hard being close to Billy and yet having to force yourself to keep enough distance between you and him. You knew he wanted to take things slow to make sure everything was how they needed to be but God a big part of you wanted to tell him the way things needed to be was him there with you and Adi. Not blocks away in that little one bedroom apartment. 

It didn't help matters that he'd told you he loved you every time you talked since the night he stayed with you.It snapped you out of your own thoughts when he said "I'm just glad that taking Adi to the movies is why you didn't come. I was worried it still might be that other thing" the other thing being how Frank had busted you out over being jealous towards Dinah. You honestly hadn't thought too much about it. After everything that had happened the night he'd stayed at your place and the morning after a part of you that you hadn't even realized was in chaos had calmed.

"Billy I know you meant everything you said. And yes I want to see you" you finally said after a moment and he chuckled "Good.. I'll be over bright and early" "We'll be waiting" you replied with a smile and started to hang up when he said "Goodnight sweetheart. I love you" like every other time he said it you simply said "Night Billy" and hung up. 

You couldn't say you loved him. He knew you did but god it would only make it hurt worse having to go to sleep without him there. You sighed and stood to head to bed. At least you could get some sleep and maybe come morning you could face him easier.

* * *

Billy stared at the phone after he'd hung up. He hated being away from you and Adi. He hated when work drug on, that meant another day he'd go without laying eyes on the two most important people in his life. He hated that he heard you hesitate every time he'd tell you he loved you like you started to say it back but changed your mind.

He clicked his photo album on his phone and scrolled through the pictures of you and Adi. 

One of his favorites was one of Adi where her smile was a mirror of his and she was wearing his leather jacket. The smile might have been his but god that look on her face was all you. She'd been mid saying "Look mommy!" When he'd snapped the photo.

One of his other favorites was one Karen had sent him actually. You were sitting on the couch at your place with Adi curled up next to you. He didn't know what the two of you were doing but you both looked so happy it warmed his heart just seeing it. God he loved the two of you more than life itself. 

He could remember flashes of himself making bad decisions, remember himself doing shit he was ashamed of. Looking at you,the only woman he'd ever loved and his babygirl he couldn't wrap his head around how he'd ever done those things. How he'd put you and Frank's family, everyone at risk. He didn't know how he'd gotten this second chance, not only with you either.

The memory of the way Frank had teased him about quality over quantity when the two of you had first shifted your relationship into more than friends popped into his head and he laughed despite himself. "Man Bill you finally got a good one don't fuck it up" "I don't plan to Frankie. Believe me. I know she's a keeper"

He wanted to be laying on your bed while you curled up on his chest and Adi slept one room over not blocks away from the two of you but for now he'd have to be grateful for the fact that he'd be seeing you both come morning. Life could be a lot worse.

* * *

When you woke up the sun was just creeping through the small crack in your curtain and you started to pull the blanket up and roll over but you remembered that Billy was coming over to take you and Adi for breakfast.

You knew Billy's bright and early had always meant just that so since Adi still had about another hour of sleep in her you figured you could get a shower and pick her some clothes out before he got there.

Once you were dressed in leggings and a sweater dress you simply put enough product in your hair you could wear it down without it blowing away and did simple makeup. You looked cute but not like you were desperate for attention or anything.

You walked into Adi's room to pick her some clothes out for the day and grinned when you saw she was waking up "Hey pumpkin. I got a surprise for you!" That made her wakeup fully and she was watching you go through her drawers to find clothes "What?" 

You found her favorite cooler weather outfit which consisted of black leggings and a dark pink long sleeve shirt that had two black birds on it that you'd initially bought without thinking until Frank had reminded you of his and Billy's call signs and it seemed that revelation made Adi love the shirt ever more "Cause it's got daddy and uncle Frank on it"

You turned back to her, clothes in hand and heard a knock on the door. "Wanna go see who that is?" You held out your arms as you asked and she jumped into them.

You laid her clothes down on her bed then walked back into the living room "We're coming!" You called out so not only Adi knew whoever was at the door was expecting her but so Billy knew you were both awake.

\--------------------

When you opened the door Billy was standing there with a huge smile. "Daddy!" Adi screamed and both you and Billy had to lurch towards each other so she could make the leap into his arms. 

He walked in with her wrapped securely around him and winked at you "Too bad you're not this happy to see me Y/N" you shook your head and smiled before Adi started asking him if he could spend some time with her. "Actually baby I was wondering if you and mommy could come to breakfast with me and I know you went to the aquarium yesterday but I'm sure if you don't want to go back today we can find something fun because I plan to spend all day with you and mommy"

She smiled back at you "Can we?" You nodded "Sounds good baby. We can show daddy all our favorites spots but first we gotta get you dressed" she kissed Billy on the cheek then held her hands out for you to get her.

You got her on your hip then motioned to the living room "Make yourself at home. We'll be out in a few"

* * *

Billy watched as you grabbed everything Adi would need for the day and put it in the little black backpack he knew was for her. You were biting your bottom lip while you did a final mental check list to make sure you hadn't missed anything.

You turned back to look at him where he was sitting with Adi on the couch and smiled. He felt his heart clench at the sight. You looked genuinely happy, like having him and Adi was everything you wanted. He knew the feeling because being with you both made him feel whole like he never had before.

His attention was pulled back to Adi when she asked "Daddy can we go to the aquarium and the zoo?" With those big brown eyes staring up at him it was hard to say anything else then yes but he managed to say "As long as mommy's ok with it I'd love to baby"

You chuckled as you walked over with Adi's jacket in your hands "Aquarium and zoo sounds good to me but first get your jacket on then we need to get some breakfast in you little miss" 

You helped Adi slip her jacket on then she looked up at him "Pick me up daddy!" He gladly leaned down and plucked her up off the floor then looked back at you "Ready to go darling?" He noticed a light blush color your cheeks as you said "lead the way" and motioned to the door.

* * *

Breakfast went extremely well. In fact nearly everyone in the diner had commented on how cute of a family you had. Kaitlyn had even insisted on getting a photo of the three of you which you sent to Billy's phone so he'd have a copy. 

Once Adi was through with her pancakes you cut your eyes at Billy and smiled "So daddy zoo first or do you want Adi to introduce you to simba and nala first?" 

That patent Russo smirk had slipped onto his face when he glanced down at her "Baby who's simba and nala?" "The sharks!" She replied with a mirror image of his own look. 

He glanced up at you and you shrugged "She loves the sharks and her favorite stuffed animal is a wolf. She's our child after all" your eyes were glued to the two of them. Spending time with them like this? God it felt like the most natural thing on earth. You'd dreamed about this when you were pregnant with Adi but never would've imagined it becoming reality.

"Sharks it is" he said after a moment and Adi climbed up to stand next to him in the booth as she started telling him all about the aquarium while he listened dutifully only taking his attention off her long enough to pay the bill when Kaitlyn bought it to the table.

\-----------------------

After spending hours at the aquarium while Adi properly acquainted Billy with all of her favorite animals the three of you headed to the zoo like she'd asked. You were walking to the penguin exhibit when Adi tugged on your arm "Mommy will you or daddy carry me?"

Billy winked at you then held his arms out "C'mere babygirl. Daddy will carry you" once she was secure against his chest he barely made it ten feet before her head was over on his shoulder and she was fast asleep.

"Yeah I was expecting that" you said as you reached over to pull her hood up on her head. "Well wanna take her home? We can order pizza or I can cook us some dinner and when she wakes up we can watch a movie with her?" You offered hoping he would want to stay while she napped and weren't disappointed when he nodded "Sounds good to me"

\---------------------

After Billy laid Adi down on her bed you pulled the door almost closed then turned to face him with a smile "She'll sleep for about forty five minutes or so" 

His dark eyes watched you closely as he said "Well how should we pass the time then?" You blushed thinking of how many times he'd asked you that in the past then cleared your throat hoping he hadn't seen the initial reaction "Well um we could just talk? Like you've been busy the last week so let's catch up"

His smile was deep enough to reach his eyes when he said "That sounds good to me"

\--------------------------- 

"Alice looks at me. I look at her and we're both like hell no this isn't even anywhere near our job description" Billy's head fell back with a laugh while you told him about a few of the worst calls you'd went to over the time he wasn't there.

"I've always been so proud of you. Even when me and Frank would be deployed I'd tell everyone my girl was working to save the people of New York" you ducked your head at his words because you could feel just how warm your face was "I've done my best to help who I can. Hell I've put Frank back together more times than I can count"

He ran one finger down the side of your face then hooked it under your chin to tilt your face up to him "You have a habit of always pulling people back from the brink. Even at times that they're too stupid to realize it" his eyes flickered down to your lips then back up again to meet your gaze. You smiled slightly before saying "You know you can kiss me if you want Billy"

"Thank god" he mumbled before quickly leaning in to catch your lips with his own. You laughed lightly against his lips "Billy Russo thanking god. I must be special" he laughed "You're talking I must be losing my touch"

When he slid his tongue into your mouth it took every ounce of control not to deepen the kiss further. Thankfully things went any further you heard Adi holler "Mommy! Daddy!" And both of you froze. Billy dropped his head down and chuckled against your neck "Go ahead sweetheart. I'll be right behind you" you left another quick kiss on his lips before standing up to head to her room.

\-----------------------

The rest of the evening both yours and Billy's attention was solely on Adi. After she'd woke up from her nap she wanted daddy to play tea party with her and seeing Billy sitting on the floor with a pink tiara on his head while he sipped pretend tea from a cup was a defining moment in your life.

Cooking dinner while Billy helped and played with Adi felt like something out of a dream. After dinner while you bathed Adi Billy had cleaned the kitchen, put Adi's toys away and even had a Disney movie waiting for her.

\--------------------

You somehow ended up falling asleep yourself with Adi tucked close enough between you and Billy that both her head and your head was leaned against his left side. Her head was over on his stomach while yours was against his shoulder.

You woke up when the credit music started playing and blinked sleepily up at him. "Sorry we knocked out on you" you whispered and he shook his head "Don't apologize. I had you both cuddled up to me. Why would I complain about that?" You smiled then cut your eyes down at Adi "Awe she looks so comfy I don't want to move her!" 

You slowly slid off the couch then turned to pick her up, being careful not to grab a handful of Billy's shirt by accident. "I'll be right back" you whispered and he nodded "I'll be waiting"

* * *

Billy watched you walk into Adi's room swaying gently back and forth with her on your shoulder. He would've offered to carry her but if he was being honest his left arm was dead from you and her both being asleep on it. Hell the two of you could ask him to cut off that arm and he'd be caught trying it.

He shook it a few times to get the feeling back while he thought over the day. Things had been slowly getting better between the two of you but today showed him just what he'd been missing. He got to spend an entire day with his girls and now had to leave? It didn't seem right.

He was saved from his mind trying to go into overdrive on him by you stepping back out of Adi's room with a small smile. "So I guess you gotta leave?" You seemed almost sad when you asked so he shrugged "I'd ask for the couch but I don't have any clothes here"

"Oh I understand" you said with what he knew was a forced smile. "Can I come by tomorrow?" You rubbed the back of your neck before saying "Um Adi will be at Karen and Frank's. I've got a sixteen hour shift. Six to ten" 

He wanted to offer to come stay at your place with Adi..hell he was her father and had yet to have her overnight. He could understand. The apartment Homeland set him up in wasn't exactly the place he'd want to take her in and out of.

"Well in that case I'll bring you lunch,get dinner with them then I'll come back to the station house and walk you home" when the words left his mouth a smile spread across your face "I'd love that" he realized how late it was getting mixed with how early you had to be to work and tilted his head towards the door "Walk me to the door?" You rolled your eyes but the grin that followed the action told him you liked that he'd asked "Of course"

* * *

You waited while Billy grabbed his jacket then he stopped in front of you for a moment. You knew him well enough to know when he wanted to ask something so you said "Go ahead Billy whatever it is"

He looked back towards the couch then cleared his throat "The way you kissed me earlier. It felt amazing but why do you say you want us to be something again and kiss me like that again only to never say you love me out loud?" 

You closed your eyes and took a deep breath to keep your voice steady before saying "This is why. I have spent all day with you and Adi. It felt like a fucking dream it was so close to being what I want but now's the part where I have to wake up because you're going to your place and I'm gonna go in there and sleep alone. It hurts being so close to you yet there still being so much room between us. Billy you know how i feel without me breaking my own heart every time I say the words only for you to go home and it not be here"

He nodded those dark eyes never leaving yours before he said "Can I kiss you before I leave?" "Of course" you replied and stepped closer to him. 

The kiss was as if he was trying to pour everything he felt for you into it. You ran your hands up his back feeling the way the muscles moved under his jacket as he deepened the kiss flicking his tongue across your lips for access which you willingly gave.

A low moan fell from your lips when he licked into your mouth at the same time his hands came down to rest on the small of your back holding you flush against him. When both of you finally pulled away your chests were heaving with the force of the kiss. He leaned down just enough to be eye to eye with you then said "Y/N I love you. You're the only woman I've ever loved. You're the mother of my child. We will be back together hell it's inevitable like Frankie said. Me and you? We were made for each other cause who else could handle us? I don't care if you never say the words to me again because I know you do and sooner or later I won't have to leave but I hope you know my home? It's you and our daughter. No apartment. just the two of you"

You smiled at his words and left another quick kiss on his lips "I'll tell Karen you're coming over for dinner and I'll be looking for you when I get off" he smiled and said "And I'll be right outside the door waiting for you then the very next day you have off me and Frank are taking our lunch hour to go find you a good car if need be" 

Right as Billy walked into the hall he turned around and grinned before saying "Oh yeah Y/N by the way?" 

"What Billy?" You asked with a laugh tugging at your lips before he ever said the next words "I love you beautiful" "Night Billy" "Good Night love. Call if you have any bad dreams" was the last thing he said before stepping onto the elevator.


	52. Chapter 52

The next morning you had just finished getting dressed and walked into the living room moments before Karen knocked on your door. She'd come by to wait for Sarah to come get Adi so you could head in to work. You opened the door on the way by "Good morning Karen" you greeted and she smiled "Good morning. How was yesterday?" you handed her your phone while you finished gathering everything you needed "Flip through the photos"

She was still smiling when you walked back into the room and held your phone back out to you "Got to say the three of you look just so right together in that photo" you shrugged one shoulder trying to hide the smile that had worked it's way onto your face "I'll get off around ten possibly eleven so I'll see you in the morning? Shit I told Billy he could come by your place for dinner and so he could see Adi is that ok?" She nodded "Of course. He's welcome any time" you let the smile that had been trying to slip onto your face "Good oh and make sure you tell Frank that Billy is coming to walk me home so he doesn't have to worry"

You had turned to grab your jacket when Karen muttered "Oh empty apartment. Adi at my place" you felt the tips of your ears turn red before saying "Get your mind out the gutter Page" "Hell why not? You both love each other and want to be together!" She laughed and you shook your head.

"Were you always like this or did I corrupt you?"

"Honestly? I'd say about sixty forty" she replied and you raised an eyebrow "In which direction?" She held up the coffee she'd bought you and said "I'll tell you come tomorrow morning" you took the coffee from her with a playful glare then smiled "Have a good day at work Miss Page and kiss Adi for me when she wakes up" "Will do and you have a good day too" 

\---------------------

Around lunch time you were helping Grant and Jason roll up hoses and heard Jessie greeting Adi and Sarah. You stood up right before Adi launched herself into your arms laughing. "Hey babygirl. What are you and aunt Sarah up to?"

Sarah walked in behind her carrying a few takeout bags "The guys are stuck in a planning meeting so Billy called to see if we wanted to deliver your lunch" your eyes widened at the amount of food "He sent enough for the entire house" she looked over it then said "I think that was kind of his point" you waved Jessie over "Wanna take this inside? Apparently Billy bought everyone lunch" 

You turned back to Adi "Wanna say hey to everyone while you're here?" She nodded so you carried her inside and held the door open for Sarah to follow you both in.

\---------------------

Once lunch was over you carried Adi back out to the van and strapped her in "Now be good for aunt Sarah. Daddy's going to come eat dinner with you, uncle Frank and aunt Karen then I'll see you in the morning ok?" She nodded "Ok. Love you mommy" "Love you more lil bit" you told her then kissed her forehead.

You walked back into the bays about the time a call rang out for an ambulance to respond to an elderly woman having chest pains. Alice sighed "At least they waited until Adi left right?"

\--------------------

While you were doing inventory of the rig and Alice was finishing up any reports you got a text from Billy "When are you getting off love?" So you texted back "About twenty minutes" you hadn't even laid the phone down when it went off again "I'll be waiting right outside" you smiled and texted back "Just come in! Everyone knows you"

A few minutes later you heard Ash holler "Y/N Billy's here!" You peeked out the back door of the ambulance and smiled when you saw him talking to Jason and Hunter. He caught your eye and winked before turning his attention back to them.

By the time you were through with inventory Billy was standing at the back of the ambulance when you climbed out and narrowly avoided running right into his chest "Shit. I'm sorry Billy" you said as he reached out to steady you "It's ok sweetheart" he had that damn smirk and you couldn't help but feel your heart speed up just slightly when you met his eyes "Um I've gotta tell Ash and Riley a few things then I'll grab my stuff and we can go" "Take your time" he replied and you had to talk yourself out of kissing him while you stood in the middle of the bay surrounded by your co-workers.

\-----------------------

"Are you sure I can't drop you two off?" Alice offered and you shook your head before checking the time "Didn't Kenzie get off an hour ago? And she's waiting on you?" "In a warm office building" Alice responded with a laugh but you shook your head "We'll be fine"

Billy smiled and said "Yeah thanks for the offer Alice..by the way do you like your car? We're going in a couple days to get Y/N one finally" Alice cut her eyes at you with a mischievous grin then said "Yes I do actually. Although I think a four door option is better for a family car" 

You stuck your tongue out at her just in enough time for Billy to see. He looked between you and her for a moment clearly wondering what he'd missed before shaking his head "Nope. I know by now not to ask" then reached out for your bag "Want me to carry that?" You let him take it then both of you wished Alice a good night before she climbed into her car to leave and both of you started walking in the direction of your apartment.

You didn't realize how close you were walking to Billy until your hand brushed his. You remembered Karen's words from earlier in the day so you laced your fingers with his which caused a pleased smile to appear on his face before he gave your hand a light squeeze.

\--------------------

You weren't far from your apartment when he stopped suddenly so you turned to face him "Billy? Something wrong?" He shook his head then used your intertwined hands to pull you flush against him "I haven't got to kiss you all day and it's really bothering me" 

You leaned in to meet his lips halfway but froze right before you touched when you heard someone call your name. Billy turned to look but your entire body had tensed at the voice even before you spotted Alex Moore walking up the sidewalk towards you.

"Alex" your voice was barely above a whisper. Mahoney was supposed to tell you if he got out. Frank was going to kill him this time. Hell Dinah and Sam were gonna kill Mahoney. "Y/N who is he?" Billy whispered, moving to block your body with his own. 

"He attacked me and Alice right after I came off of maternity leave" you answered, eyes never leaving Alex. "You took years of my life bitch" Alex nearly growled then the next few seconds happened in a blur. You didn't even see the gun when Alex pointed it towards you but Billy saw the flash of metal and reacted by shoving you backwards and rushing Alex before the shot ever rang out.

You barely had time to register what happened next. The scent of gunpowder and the metallic scent of blood clung to your nose and throat. Billy had tackled Alex to the ground and they were struggling over the gun. Another shot rang out right before Billy managed to pull a knife from somewhere and plunge it into Alex's neck.

The sounds of the shots drew the attention of a bouncer and a few patrons from a bar on the corner who quickly ran out to see what was happening. "Call the cops!" You hollered as Billy got to his feet. He was supporting his weight against the wall as he scanned you for any visible injuries "Are you ok Y/N?" You nodded and he half smiled before his legs went out from under him.

You caught him and helped him ease down to the sidewalk. You pulled your hand back and realized it was bloody so you tore his shirt open to see a gunshot directly in the center of his stomach. Blood was gushing out the wound. "Oh god" you couldn't even allow yourself the panic you felt "GET ME A GOD DAMN AMBULANCE HERE TOO AND ONE OF YOU COME HELP ME" you screamed at the men who were simply standing around.

The bouncer threw the phone to one of the other men then came to your side "What do you need?" You jerked your head back towards where your bag had fell "Get my med bag" you looked down at Billy whose dark eyes had never left yours "Hey stay with me Billy ok? Just keep those eyes open for me" 

He nodded then winced "Fuck I forgot how bad getting shot hurts" by that time the bouncer had gotten your bag so you were grabbing everything you needed out of it and checking for an exit wound. When you didn't find one you knew the bullet was still inside so you had to keep him as still as possible to minimize the damage. "Yeah so I've been told" you felt your voice tremble as you spoke. Your hands were moving simply from years of training. It was muscle memory more than anything at that point because you felt like your world was falling apart.

Billy's hand came up to brush your hair out your face weakly and you could feel the warm smear of blood his fingers had left behind "God I don't want to miss any more with you and Adi" you had to grab the bouncers hands to use to hold pressure once you'd packed the wound because your hands were shaking too bad "do it like this and do not fucking move" you ordered and he nodded.

You slid up to Billy's head to check his pulse and felt it getting weaker by the second. "Billy you're not gonna miss anything with us. She needs you. Baby I need you. I love you, please just stay with me until the ambulance gets here"

A weak version of that damn smile that always made you stumble your words slipped onto his face "Did you just say you love me?" You nodded and felt tears slipping down your face "Yes Billy I fucking love you soo much" his eyes tried to close so you shook him "God dammit stay with me Billy. Do it for me. Do it for Adi. Just keep your fucking eyes open" 

He opened his eyes partly then said "Baby you know I'd do anything for you two" "Then fucking stay alive. Be here with us. Marry me. Be there the day our daughter graduates high school, when she gets married. You're the only man I've ever loved and I want to spend the rest of my life with you so please just hold on..listen to my voice please" he laughed weakly and you felt your heart stop when some blood came out his mouth "Did you just propose to me?" 

"Yes I did so now you got to stay here. You've got me and Adi to fight for. We need you" he smiled and said "Can you kiss me?" You leaned down to place a gentle kiss to his lips and saw your tears mixing with his own "I love you Y/N. You and Adi are the best thing that's ever happened to me"

His pulse started slowing and his eyes fluttered shut. "BILLY? BILLY?" you moved your hand down to his chest and shook him harshly when he didn't react you felt and couldn't find his pulse. "No..not after everything. I'm not losing you" you choked out, moving to start compressions and begging anyone listening to not take him from you and Adi. 

You were on the verge of breaking from the mere thought of losing him when you heard the ambulance pull up "Y/N?" You recognized Riley's voice and hollered "BILLY'S BEEN SHOT. HE'S LOST A LOT OF BLOOD AND I JUST LOST HIS PULSE"

  
  
  
  
  



	53. Chapter 53

Frank hadn't been asleep but about an hour or two when his phone started ringing. "Get it before it wakes Adi up!" He heard from Karen's side of the bed in a whisper. He grabbed the phone as he sat up not bothering to look at the number "Hello?" He was met with silence on the other end and started to hang up before he heard someone take a shuddering breath "Frank?" At the sound of your voice he was fully awake. Something was wrong. You sounded like you were in shock.

"Y/N?" He called your name and saw Karen sit up out the corner of his eye and look at him curiously but at the moment his attention was on you. "Can you please come to me? I need you" "Yeah of course. Where are you at? What's going on?" 

He was already up and pulling boots onto his feet before you told him what hospital you were at "Alex Moore got out Frank. He found me. He..he tried to kill me. He would've killed me but Billy protected me. Now he's in surgery and.. I don't know if he's gonna make it" 

"God dammit how the hell did that asshole even get out? I'll be there as soon as I can. Just hold tight and call me if there's any changes" "Frank I can't do this" he closed his eyes at how broken you sounded.

Fuck, in all the time he'd known you even at the worst moments you always tried to hold it together for everyone around you and he hadn't heard you sound so defeated since the two of you got into that argument when you first found out you were pregnant and he found you at Maria's grave. "Sweetheart I will be there in a few minutes" "Ok" was the last thing you said before the line went dead.

He stared at the phone for a minute before glancing back at Karen then tilting his head towards the living room. She nodded then climbed out the bed, careful not to wake Adi as she walked past the toddler bed.

\----------------------

He followed her out and pulled the bedroom door almost shut before saying "I've got to go to the emergency room. Y/N needs me" "What happened? Is she ok?" The concern and worry were plain in Karen's voice when she spoke. 

He nodded then said "She's ok but you remember Moore?" "The asshole that attacked her and Alice? How could I forget?" Karen's jaw had tightened at the mere mention. 

He could feel the tension in his shoulders and realized his trigger finger was absentmindedly tapping his thigh while he talked. He knew flashes of that night were going through both of their heads. "Yeah well he got out. Apparently came looking to finish the job but didn't exactly take Bill into account. He got shot protecting her. She said he's in surgery and she doesn't know if he's gonna make it"

Karen glanced back towards the bedroom and he could see her worrying her bottom lip between her teeth before she ran a hand through her hair to push it back from her face "What do I tell Adi? She's gonna ask for one or both of them after she gets up" 

Frank let out a breath trying to think of what to tell his niece. She was still so young and now facing this "Tell her bare minimum. Her dad got hurt so her mom took him to the hospital. I went to be with them both" 

Karen nodded then pulled him into a hug "Let me know if you need me. Take care of her Frank" "I will. I love you Kare. Take care of little bit" he leaned his forehead against hers for a moment trying to get his head on straight. She nodded then closed the space between them to press a gentle kiss to his lips "I love you too"

  
  


* * *

Working together you and Riley had managed to get Billy's heart back beating before you made it to the hospital but he was still losing a lot of blood internally. 

You were stopped at the entrance to the operating room by a couple of the nurses who'd known you for years "Y/N you know you can't go back" you snatched away from them and Riley alike. You knew they were trying to offer comfort but you didn't want it. You didn't deserve it.

Someone else you loved had once again caught a bullet that had your name on it. You were fucking poison. How the hell could you protect your child from the world when it seemed as if merely being around you would be the biggest threat to her?

You paced the hallway outside the double doors until the adrenaline started to leave your body and the crash that came along with that forced you to collapse into a chair. Your clothes, hands and face had blood smeared across them. Around your nails the blood had started to dry and was flaking off in red chunks.

You couldn't stop hearing the gunshot, seeing the way Billy had crumpled but only after he'd made sure you were ok. You closed your eyes to stop the flow of tears but that only made more images flash across through your mind. 

Maria and the kids in their caskets, Frank bloody and half dead after that fight alongside Gunner. Curtis bloody and beaten from Lewis, Karen terrorised by Wilson Fisk. It was too much. You'd lost half your family in one day and had fought like hell to keep the rest of them in one piece and now the man you loved, the man who'd put so much on the line to keep you safe might very well end up dying.

What the hell were you gonna tell Adi? It seemed like she'd just met him and now to lose him? You bought your hands up to your face trying to will the images out your mind. You couldn't even cry and you knew that was worse than if you were sobbing. 

You didn't know how long you'd been sitting there digging through your jacket pockets before you finally found your phone. Your hands were shaking as you hit Frank's number. You weren't sure what to say but you needed him. You couldn't do this alone.

* * *

You were still staring blankly at your phone when Frank found you. You hadn't noticed his presence so he took a moment to take stock of whether or not you had any injuries.

Although you were covered in blood it didn't appear to be yours. He knew that look anywhere though. You were so lost in your own mind you needed someone to pull you out. He'd been there before and you had been the one to pull him out so he owed you.

He walked up trying to make as much noise as he could so he wouldn't startle you but when he touched your shoulder you jumped defensively until you realized it was him then the facade crumpled as you stepped into his arms "Frank it's bad. It's all my fault" 

He froze and held you out at arm's length so he could lean down enough to look you in the eye. There was blood smeared on the side of your face and your eyes were red from crying but he could see that stubbornness you'd always had under it all. 

You were going to try to blame yourself for this and he'd be damned before he let you "You didn't shoot him so it's not your fault. It's that damn junkie's fault. I should've killed him instead of letting them lock him up" 

You sniffled twice and he knew you were holding back tears when you shook your head "Frank don't you see? Maria, the kids. Those bullets had my name on them. Rawlins lied to Billy but I still should've been the one to die that day. Now this. he didn't even know who Billy was. He shot him because he was protecting me. I'm fucking poison. Who else is gonna be next? You? Karen? God forbid if something happened to Adi. I can't do this Frank. I can't keep hurting people I love"

God dammit he'd never wanted to shake you as bad as he did right then. His grip tightened on your arms just enough to get your attention and once he was sure he had it he said "Listen to me and listen to me good Y/N. Maria and the kids died because Rawlins was an evil son of a bitch who got what he deserved. Bill got shot because he fucking loves you and when you love someone it's instinct to protect them. None of this is your fault. You're not poison or any other bullshit you believe. Hell you've patched a lot of us up. You put us back together. I know this is hard but I also know you've got that damn stubborn streak a mile wide and can put your mind to anything right?"

You nodded after a moment so he loosened his grip but stayed where he could look you in the eyes "He's a stubborn asshole. I've known him for even longer than you have. Me and him have been through hell together and have put each other through our fair share. One thing I know? He loves you and Adi and this isn't enough to keep him from you. Now put it in your mind he's gonna pull through ok?"

"Ok" your voice sounded a little steadier so he nodded and moved his hand to your lower back "Now let's see if I can get you some scrubs or something so you can get cleaned up and out these bloody clothes"

* * *

  
  


One of the nurses had gotten you a pair of scrubs and even offered to let you use the nurse's shower after she checked your vitals at Frank's insistence.

Frank told you he'd hang around the operating room so if anyone did come out while you were getting cleaned up. You'd hesitantly agreed because while you desperately wanted to check on Billy you couldn't stand knowing it was his blood drying all over you.

After standing under the hot water long enough you felt like you'd taken a layer of skin off you climbed out and dried off then deposited the towel into the bin that was in the corner of the room. 

Once you were dressed in the scrubs you pulled your shoes back on complete with the hospital socks you'd been given along with the scrubs then gathered your bloody clothes in the personal belonging bag you'd been given and went in search of Frank.

\----------------------

When you walked out into the hall you ran smack into Frank's chest with a grunt from him and a gasp of surprise from you but luckily he managed to grab you before you fell.

"Frank what's going on?" You asked feeling your stomach knot up worse than it already was but he shook his head "Nothing bad sweetheart. I found a doctor that apparently isn't sure if he's a fan of me or just scared shitless. Either way I got him to check on Bill. Surgery is going good. The bullet missed his organs but nicked an artery. They're closing up and should have him a room in ICU in about an hour" 

You let out a breath "Are they hopeful for recovery?" He nodded "Yup sounds like he was pretty damn lucky he had a paramedic right there the moment he hit the ground" you let out a watery laugh "You're saying that to make me feel better" 

Frank shook his head and motioned back down the hall "I can find him again if you don't believe me. Doc said the reason he's gonna make it is because of you. So wanna talk again about you being poison? Looks to me like you once again saved one of the men in your life" you threw your arms around Frank's neck in a hug he gently returned.

When you pulled away he glanced at his watch "I'm gonna text Karen. When Adi wakes up what do you want her told?" You ran a hand down your face before agreeing with what Frank had already said "bare minimum. He's hurt. Me and you are here to check on him. I can't let her see him post surgery. He's got to be alert before she sees him" 

Frank nodded then said "Who knows by the time little bit gets to going good he might already be awake" "That's got to be the first bit of optimism I've ever heard from you Frank" you said with a half laugh and he shrugged "For Adi? I'll be a bit optimistic" then started to text Karen.

\----------------------

You and Frank were sitting together right outside the doors of the operating rooms fending calls and texts from everyone from Alice to Sam and everyone in between.

They'd heard one way or another and wanted to see what was going on. Alex had died in surgery. Billy tore his jugular beyond repair when he'd stabbed him and that little piece of information had given you a little peace knowing he was finally dead. He couldn't hurt no one else.

You'd just hung up with Matt and Frank with Curtis when Doctor Morales the surgeon who worked on Billy came walking out and headed towards where the two of you sat. "Are you Mr Russo's family?" 

"Yes sir. This is his fiance and I'm basically her brother" Frank answered before you had a chance so Doctor Morales nodded then went into explanation of what they'd done to Billy. "He'll be healing for a few weeks but all in all he should count his lucky stars you were there. Had you not reacted so quickly with your training he wouldn't have made it. As soon as we get him settled in a room I'll send a nurse to escort the two of you" 

You and Frank both thanked him then after he walked away Frank patted your shoulder "He's gonna be fine" you nodded then nearly whispered "I'll believe it when he wakes up" you'd seen too many cases where the doctors thought everything was fine then some unforeseen complication would occur. He had to wake up for you to feel better.

  
  
  



	54. Chapter 54

Frank watched you pace back and forth for about a half an hour before he stood up and moved to block your path. When you froze in front of him he tilted his head slightly "They'll come get us in a little while ok?" You nodded then said "You called me Billy's fiance" with a shaky laugh.

"Yea they're big on closest family and I didn't think mother of his child had quite the same ring" he replied with a shrug so you shook your head "No Frank I um I sort of proposed to Billy"

You could see the confusion on his face before he ever asked "When?" You suddenly felt a bit self conscious when you admitted "While he was bleeding out?" You weren't sure how Frank would react but after a moment he sort of laughed then said "Well you and Bill have never done anything the easy way. But does this mean I'll be your best man instead of his?" 

You rolled your eyes but you were actually grateful for his teasing tone. It made your nerves calm down some even if it was only temporary. 

A nurse walking towards the two of you got your attention when she asked "Are you Mr Russo's family?" You felt Frank's hand at your lower back before he said "Yes ma'am" she smiled then said "Doctor Morales asked me to escort you to his room" you glanced up at Frank who gave you a quick nod so you said "Lead the way" 

\---------------------

You hated ICU. There was a reason you'd went to become a paramedic instead of a nurse. You could treat everything from stab wounds to wrecks all day but when it came down to it you kept them alive then dropped them at the door. Yeah you and Alice always checked on the status of your patients but that was different than having to hold your breath to see if they were gonna recover or go down hill.

Your feet started feeling like they weighed about fifty pounds each when she walked into one room in particular. You wanted nothing more than to see Billy but you also dreaded to see just what loving you had cost him.

"C'mon" was all Frank said before he grabbed your arm and bodily pulled you into the door behind him. 

\----------------------

You froze with your arm still in Frank's grip as your eyes landed on Billy's still form in the bed. There was a heart monitor keeping a steady rhythm hooked up to him along with a bag of antibiotics on drip and he had oxygen up his nose. 

"He's breathing on his own" you said as you let out the breath you'd been holding. The nurse nodded "Yes ma'am. Mr Russo is a fighter that's for certain" you cut your eyes at Frank before walking closer to the bed. "Does he have stitches or staples?" 

The nurse pulled back the blanket so you could see the gauze covering Billy's lower stomach "There's internal stitches and external stitches. Bandages will have to be cleaned twice a day which I'm sure you can handle once he goes home. All in all he was very lucky" "When's he gonna wake up?" You asked ignoring the fact that once again someone was telling you how lucky Billy was despite the fact that he was laying in a hospital bed.

"With the anesthesia and pain meds he'll probably be out for another couple hours. The two of you are welcome to sit with him" she checked a few of his vitals then exited the room leaving you and Frank standing at the foot of Billy's bed.

"Bad dejavu" you blurted out and Frank just shook his head "Yeah I was just thinking that"" 

\----------------------

You ended up curled up in a chair on the right side of Billy's bed while Frank had taken up occupancy of the other chair that was closer to the window. "Is it just me or is it cold as hell in here?" You asked with a shiver so Frank stood pulling his hoodie off "Here sweetheart. That adrenaline crash is a bitch"

You pulled his hoodie on over the scrubs you were wearing and smiled "Thanks Frank" he nodded "Get some sleep" "I can't I need to call and check on Adi and what if he wakes up?" Frank cut you off halfway "I will call and check on Adi and if he wakes up and you're asleep in the chair it's not like he can go far.You worked a sixteen hour shift and have been running yourself ragged since they bought him in please just take a breath ok?" 

You were exhausted to the point that keeping your eyes open was a struggle so you nodded and laid your head back against the chair "Thank you for being here Frank" "Anytime kid"

************

There was a reason why Billy always hated pain meds and even only drank in moderation. He couldn't stand feeling cloudy headed. Especially after having the TBI.

He could feel a tightness in his stomach and heard what sounded like the beeping of a heart monitor. Heart monitor? He was in the hospital. Why was he in the hospital?

When he was finally able to push past the haze of whatever drugs he'd been given he remembered fully what happened. That guy had tried to kill you. He'd gotten shot to protect you. The last thing he remembered was your eyes staring down at him. God you'd looked so sad.

He slowly opened his eyes and was met with a hockey game on the tv hanging on the wall. He turned his head to the left first and saw Frank leaned back in a chair "Frankie?" He called and the other man's head snapped around "Well fuck Bill. Welcome back" 

He half smiled then his eyes landed on you. You were curled up in a chair right next to his bed. You looked like you were wearing scrubs and he was fairly certain that was Frank's hoodie you were wearing. "Is she ok?" Frank followed his line of sight then nodded slowly "Yeah You scared the hell out of her. By the time I got to her I think a little shock may have set in but she's ok now. She's been out a couple hours"

The haunted look in your eyes was still playing through his mind. He had to see you awake. He wanted so bad to see a smile on your face. It would be worth any amount of pain he was currently feeling. Hell the pain was better than the fog of the drugs.

"Can you wake her up man?" He finally asked Frank after a moment. "Yeah" Frank stood to walk around the bed but stopped right before he got to you then glanced back at Billy "You did good Bill. She's safe and that asshole is dead" 

Without waiting for Billy's answer Frank leaned down and shook your shoulder gently "C'mon sweetheart. Wake up"

*****

You swatted Frank's hand away at first. You didn't want anything to eat nor did you feel like coffee yet. You just wanted to sleep until either Billy woke up or Karen called saying Adi wanted you so being mommy would push any other thought out of your mind. 

You heard a chuckle join Frank's after you said "Five more minutes Castle or I'll show everyone the Punisher should be afraid of me" and your eyes flew open "Billy?" He'd hit the button to push the bed up so he was in a reclined sitting position but his eyes were glued to you and he had a smile on his face "Good morning sleeping beauty"

You were out the chair and to the side of the bed before you could even acknowledge the pinch in your side. "Baby. You're ok" you felt tears sliding down your face as your fingers clasped around Billy's hand before Frank leaned over your shoulder and pressed a kiss to your forehead "I'm gonna give you two a minute. I'll call Karen and give Curt a call too" he winked at Billy who said "Thanks Frankie" then teased "Next time you two want to get everyone together let's do a movie night" before he walked out into the hall.

\----------------------

You glanced down at yours and Billy's hand and felt more tears coming from your eyes "I'm so sorry baby" his other hand came up to cup your chin so he could make you look at him. The raw honesty in his eyes made your heart flip "Y/N why are you apologizing? You didn't shoot me well not this time anyways"

You dropped your gaze ignoring his attempt at a joke then said "You almost died because of me Billy. I love you so fucking much and I thought I'd lost you. I lost your pulse, that was one of the worse things I've ever experienced and if you would have died protecting me...I don't know what I would've done"

When you finally met his eyes again he patted the bed next to him "C'mere baby please" you slowly walked around the bed and slid in next to him careful not to hit his stomach. You laid your head over on his shoulder so he laid his head over on yours. "Y/N you and Adi are the best things that's ever happened to me. From the day I met you I knew I'd end up with you. Frank had preached for years about quality over quantity and I always brushed it off then the day I walked off that plane and you were standing with Maria with Lisa on your hip. I knew what he'd meant all that time. I wanted you and not just for a night. When you told me you loved me the first time it was better than anything I'd ever felt. I fucked it all up and almost lost you for good but despite it all you still loved me and our love made our babygirl. Are you seeing a pattern here? Since I met you even at my lowest you've been my reason to fight. I don't regret taking a bullet for you. I never would"

You tilted your head to press a quick kiss to his neck "I'm sorry we've wasted so much time" "It still lead to us being back together so that's what matters" he replied then a smirk spread across his face "Did you propose to me or was that the blood loss?"

You couldn't help but laugh before you said "No I did" he pulled you in for a quick kiss then pulled away and said "I've got to say no but because I want to be the one to propose to you" you smiled then pressed another kiss to his lips "Don't take too long"

Frank walked back into the room about that time and raised an eyebrow at how close you and Billy were "Um I don't think he's cleared for that" you felt your cheeks warm so you gave Billy another quick kiss then stood out the bed. Frank held his phone out "Adi wants to come see mommy and daddy after lunch. That ok?" You glanced back at Billy who nodded "Yeah that's fine"

\-------------------------

While the three of you were waiting for Karen to park and come up with Adi Billy broke the silence by saying "Frankie what are you doing tomorrow?" Frank looked at you then shrugged "I don't know. I've got a meeting first thing about starting the training for junior agents then I'm free"

Billy nodded then said "Good you can take Y/N car shopping. I think we can all agree it's past time" Frank looked at you then shrugged "Sounds good to me"

\---------------------

You were standing by the door of Billy's room when you spotted Karen and Adi step off the elevator "MOMMY!" She hollered and took off at a run for you with Karen struggling to keep up.

Adi slung herself into your arms. 

"Where's daddy?" She asked about the time Karen had caught up so you jerked your head back towards the room "Let's see if we can find him huh?"

When the three of you walked back into the room Billy's eyes lit up when he saw Adi on your hip "There's my babygirl" he held out his arms so you walked over and helped her climb into bed next to him "Aunt Karen said you were hurt and mommy was crying. I was scared" 

All of you exchanged a look before Billy said "Baby I'm ok. My stomach is gonna be sore for a while but daddy is ok... I promise" she was careful not to hit his stomach as she squirmed up far enough to place a kiss on the scar that marked his right cheek "I love you so much daddy" the smile he had deepened even further as he pulled her into a hug "I love you even more pumpkin"

\------------------------

When it started nearing dinner time you expected Adi to want you to go home with her but she announced "Mommy I'm going with them" pointing to Frank and Karen. "What do you mean baby?" You asked and she rolled her eyes very dramatically "You stay with daddy"

Frank chuckled "Guess you got your marching orders Y/N. Straight from headquarters" "I guess so" you agreed. Adi walked back over to the bed so Karen helped her up so she could hug Billy "Love you daddy" "Love you more" he told her and kissed her cheek.

You walked them to the elevator and Frank offered to bring you some dinner back but Alice and Kenzie were already planning to stop by. "Call me if she changes her mind, ok?" He nodded "She'll be fine Y/N. You just catch your breath ok?" "I promise Frank" you hugged him then Karen before picking up Adi in another hug.

\--------------------------

When you got back to the room a nurse was sitting the cot Frank had asked for down in the corner of the room. You thanked her with a smile then retook residence of the chair next to the bed for time being.

"If you want to go home and get some rest I'll be fine" Billy offered and you cut him off with a look. "Like hell. I'm not going anywhere until you're coming with me" he half smiled and said "Yes ma'am"

You glanced down at your phone because it'd went off with a text from Alice. Billy waited until you looked back up to question "So are you going to tell me what happened with Moore?" You took a deep breath then said "Can it wait until Alice gets here?" His eyes never left yours and you knew he was trying to read your face to tell just how bad the story was. He slowly nodded "Of course" 

\---------------------

You heard Alice before her and Kenzie ever made it to the room. You glanced up and smiled when she came flying in the room. "Jesus Christ! I knew it! I knew I should've taken you two home!" 

Billy cracked a smile "Well hello Kenzie, nice to see you" Kenzie leaned around Alice and gave a small wave "Hey Billy. Glad you're ok" 

Alice sat the food she'd brought down in the corner of the room then grabbed Billy's chart and flipped through it. "Surgery went good. Missed any major organs" you shook your head at her then Billy caught your eye. You'd promised him an explanation now you owed one.

"Alice, Billy wants to know what happened with Alex Moore" the moment you said the words her eyes flew up to Billy. "What happened was he was a fucking psycho and your baby mama here refuses to back down from shit when she's protecting someone" 

He nodded but still looked a bit confused you took a breath then said "We responded to a call, what Alice two weeks after I came back from maternity leave?" She nodded "Yeah about two weeks. It was from Alex's now former wife"

You looked up into Billy's eyes and half smiled before continuing "He'd beat her so bad Billy she miscarried. We thought he'd left the area, hell NYPD was searching for him but he double backed" 

"Then what happened?" He asked and you saw Kenzie lean back against the wall. She knew everything that had happened but it still wasn't something she liked hearing. "He ended up outside the E.R. He grabbed his ex, tried to kill her and us. Y/N fought with him. She protected me and his ex. She also ended up getting stabbed twice by the son of a bitch before security came out the hospital" Alice choked out tears brimming her eyes as she reached for your hand and you gave hers a light squeeze.

Billy looked from you to Alice "Baby, why didn't you tell me?" You shrugged "When was I supposed to throw that into conversation Billy? Oh hey honey oh you wanna know what you missed? Well I spent a week in a hospital when our daughter was still a newborn and I almost lost my spleen" 

He shook his head slowly then finally said "Well it was worth getting shot to kill that son of a bitch" 

\-------------------------

Alice and Kenzie ended up staying until visiting hours were almost over. You hugged them both and they each hugged Billy before leaving.

Alice stopped at the door "Russo?" "Yeah, Alice?" "Thanks for protecting her" Billy nodded "I always will"

After they left you were sitting in the middle of the cot watching the news. You cut your eyes up and realized he was staring at you. "Are you mad I didn't tell you?" He shook his head "No. I'm thinking about what if you would've died and god that hurts worse than anything" "Now you know how I felt when I found you and Frank then again last night when you were bleeding out in my arms"

He nodded "Yeah. By the way why aren't you up here with me?" You shook your head "I can't. Too big of a risk that I may hurt you. That's why Frank wrangled the cot up" "Can I have a kiss at least?" He asked that half smile turning into a full blown Russo smirk. You rolled your eyes playfully but you were so grateful that he was ok. He was alive and doing well considering he'd been shot a little over twenty four hours before. 

You stood and walked over to the side of the bed then leaned down to let your lips barely brush against his. When you started to pull back he grabbed your hand "I know you're not calling that a kiss sweetheart. Act like you love me" 

You raised an eyebrow at his words but when you saw the way the corners of his eyes were crinkled trying to fight back his smile you knew he was trying to get a rise out of you. You leaned back down this time cupping the side of his face with your hand feeling your fingers play across the stubble lining his cheek. 

He met your lips halfway both of you melting into the kiss. Billy had always been an amazing kisser and it seemed yet another brush with death hadn't effected that any. He could still make you tingle with the way his lips moved against yours. You moved your hand back to play with the hair at the nape of his neck as the kiss deepened slightly. 

You pulled back from the kiss and he smiled up at you "Now that's how I know you kiss" you gave him another quick kiss then said "I love you Billy but you'll get all the kisses you want once you're healed up. At least you'll be coming home with me and Adi so that's one thing to look forward to right?" He nodded then his smile dropped "Just wish it wasn't temporary"

Your gaze left his for a second while you tried to find the nerve to say what you wanted to next. When you finally raised your eyes again he was watching you curiously "Then if you don't want it to be temporary and I don't want it to be temporary why don't you just move in completely with us? We're still just as in love as we always were. Hell more so now. Adi would be over the moon to have us both under the same roof and I don't know about you but I feel like we've already wasted too much time apart. I don't want to waste any more" 

"Are you sure?" He asked quietly and you felt your face flush. Maybe you'd misread him. Maybe he didn't want to live together again. Your face betrayed your emotions because the next thing he said was "Y/N I'd love nothing more than to live with you and Adi. Sweetheart a second chance for us and a chance for our family to be together is all I've wanted for months"

Before you even thought about it your lips were back on his. The kiss deepened as Billy pulled you closer to him. Your hand went to his chest careful to stay high enough it wouldn't hit his wound. Luckily before the two of you got lost in each other a nurse cleared her throat at the doorway. You pulled away with a blush and Billy simply chuckled when she said "Well Mr Russo I see you're feeling better" "Oh yes ma'am" he replied eyes never leaving yours.

  
  
  
  



	55. Chapter 55

Thanks for doing this Frank" you told him as the two of you walked down the line of cars at the dealership Curtis had recommended. Adi was with Sarah for a few hours so Karen could head in to work long enough to drop off her assignments. Curtis had volunteered to stay at the hospital with Billy so you could go home and grab clean clothes and a shower then head car shopping with Frank.

\---------------------

"Hey Y/N what about this one?" You glanced up to see Frank was standing next to a dark grey fusion. It was four door which was what you needed with Adi and according to the paperwork it got pretty good gas mileage and it was a decent price.

"I bet I can get it down further" he said with a wink as the salesman spotted the two of you and headed over. 

\--------------------

"How are we supposed to explain going shopping for a car and you ending up buying a truck Frank?" You asked with a laugh as the two of you walked down the hall of the hospital together. He shrugged "me and Karen need another vehicle. It's got four doors too so Adi's carseat will fit fine plus we now have three cars, a van and a truck amongst our weird ass little group so we're all covered"

You shook your head at his logic. Once the two of you had finished up at the dealership you'd made a stop by an insurance company and a store to check on car seats for Adi since officially the only one you had was the one Sarah kept. Now both your fusion and Frank's F250 had pink car seats in them that would transition with Adi up until she no longer needed one. 

Karen had called when she got off work to let you know she was headed to the hospital because apparently once Adi figured out it was getting closer to the afternoon she'd put together that Billy could only have visitors until a certain time. Sarah had picked Karen up from the bulletin then dropped the two of them off with Billy and Curtis.

\--------------------

The closer you got to Billy's room the clearer you could hear Adi's voice telling all of them a story. You stopped Frank with a hand on his arm and held one finger up to your lips with a smile. "I don't remember what happened next but I know in the fight the princess helped save the prince" 

A crooked smile slipped onto Frank's face when he heard her talking about the latest movie she'd watched with him and Karen. "Kind of like how your mommy is always saving me?" Billy asked and Frank winked at you before the two of you stepped into the room and he added "and how aunt Karen likes pulling uncle Frank out of stuff."

Adi was sitting cross legged near Billy's feet with Coco tucked under her arm. Billy was sitting up and from the looks of it had gotten into the shower and changed into the t-shirt and sweatpants Curt had bought him. They both smiled when they spotted you "Mommy! Did you get a car?" Adi asked and you cut your eyes at Frank before saying "Actually baby mommy got a car and uncle Frank got a truck!" 

Karen leaned up from where she was sitting next to Billy's bed and Curtis laughed from his window seat when she said "Frank you got what?" Frank started going into specifics about the truck they now owned so you clicked onto your phone to show Billy and Adi your car. 

"Did you have enough?" Billy asked and you nodded "Paid the car off and insurance for the next few months and had enough left to get Adi a car seat that will grow with her. Frank got one too" 

"Hear that babygirl? You got two new cars" Billy told Adi with a grin then glanced up at you "Mommy do you want to tell her what we talked about last night?" 

You realized everyone's attention had turned to you and Billy so you glanced around at Frank, Karen and Curtis before turning your full attention to Adi "Babygirl how would you feel about daddy moving in with us permanently?" 

"I say it's about damn time" Frank grumbled before Adi could answer which caused Karen to stifle a laugh. "You are?" Adi asked with wide eyes and Billy nodded "If it's ok with you"

Adi slung herself at Billy careful not to hit his stomach as she hugged him "I'll take that as a yes?" He asked grinning at you over her head before she said "Don't be silly daddy."

\--------------------

The day Billy was finally released from the hospital it felt a little surreal. Curtis and Frank had already moved what belongings he had from his apartment to yours. You'd cleared out closet space and dresser space so his clothes were put away and what photos he'd had you added to the wall in your living room.

You stood in the corner of his room listening while Doctor Morales went over his after care instructions once again then glanced over at you "I'm sure your fiancee can handle it Mr Russo" 

Billy raised an eyebrow at you like he had every time someone had referred to you as his fiancee "I'm sure she can doc" you smiled when Doctor Morales told Billy the nurse would be in soon with the paperwork for him to sign then left out.

Once the two of you were alone Billy held out his arms so you walked to him gently wrapping your arms around his waist taking care not to hit his bandages "Fiancee huh?" You hid your face in his neck and mumbled "In my defense Frank said it first. I just let them continue with it"

You felt him kiss the top of your head before he said "I like it sweetheart. Gives me something to work for when it's finally official" you leaned back and looked up at him. 

For a second you simply stared at him, losing yourself in those dark eyes you'd loved for years. Every scar that ran across his face had become so familiar to you, the way the one on his cheek moved when he smiled. You loved him more now than you had way back when you first fell for him. You'd been through hell and had still managed to find your way back to each other "Billy you know I don't need a ring or even a big ceremony. I'd marry you today if you wanted"

He smiled that same smile that had made you weak from the day you met him "I know Y/N but you deserve a ring, a dress, a ceremony. It is a miracle that you still love me. You gave me a beautiful daughter and have drug me out the worse parts of hell. You're gonna get a special day and a ring. That's the least I can give you" you shook your head because you knew arguing with him about it wouldn't do any good. 

The nurse walked in and smiled when she saw the two of you standing together "Well Mr Russo are you ready to get home with your beautiful fiancee to that sweet little girl of yours?" 

He looked down at you then said "Yes ma'am. More than ready"

\-----------------------

You walked in first so you could catch Adi mid-air before she launched herself at Billy. "remember little bit your daddy's gonna be sore for a while" Frank cautioned with a laugh as she wiggled free from your arms and nodded "I remember uncle Frank"

Karen popped her head around the corner wiping her hands on a kitchen towel "Foods ready so you two have perfect timing"

Billy walked in behind you and glanced around nodding to Frank and giving a smile to Karen "How ya feeling Bill?" Frank asked while Billy was watching you pick up Adi and spin around with her on your hip "A lot better just to be home with our girls Frankie"

\--------------------

After Karen and Frank left you were drying the dishes they'd washed and putting them away when Adi came running back in the kitchen with her mermaid pajamas on. "Mommy can I sleep in the bed with you and daddy?" 

You glanced back at Billy who nodded then said "sure baby but you just have to be careful ot daddy's tummy ok?" "Ok mommy" she ran off playing some game and you turned back to the cabinets right before you felt Billy's hands slide around your waist "This doesn't seem real"

You turned your head slightly to be able to look at him and knew the concern was plain in your eyes because he smiled "Don't worry love not a TBI thing just a grateful thing" you smiled and leaned closer to press a quick kiss to his lips "I love you Billy. You belong here with me and our daughter"

About the time you got daughter out your mouth Adi was coming back around the corner dragging her blanket behind her with coco tucked under her arm "Daddy will you come tell me a story?" "Of course babygirl. Mommy you coming?" You motioned to the few plates left "As soon as these are put away so save me a spot" he kissed your cheek then pulled away to hold a hand out to Adi.

You watched the two of them disappear into your bedroom with a smile on your face. 

\---------------------

After you got through in the kitchen you did a check for any toys left out in the floor and double checked the locks on the door before walking into the bedroom. Billy held a finger up to his lips when you walked in and you smiled to see Adi curled up next to him with a pillow tucked firmly against his stomach. 

You glanced at the pillow and he smiled then whispered "So she wouldn't hit my tummy" you leaned across his chest to press a kiss to her forehead then said "She's happy you're here" 

He eased out from next to her slipping another pillow in his place then stood next to the bed staring at you for a second before he scratched the back of his neck "Are you gonna grab a shower?" You nodded and motioned to his bandages "I need to cover that with the plastic they gave us if you plan to take one after me" 

A smile ghosted across his face "I took one at the hospital before I left so I may wait until morning. You can change the dressing at the same time" 

You turned to grab clothes to change into then remembered you hadn't shown him where his clothes were "Oh yeah the first two drawers in this dresser has your t-shirts, boxers and socks. Third has some jeans and sweatpants. Everything else is hanging in the closet" 

"Thank you Y/N" you stopped with your hand on a pair of sleep shorts then turned back to look at him "For telling you where your clothes are?" He shook his head and motioned around the room "No for letting me back in" you scoffed "Yeah and it only took you nearly dying because of me"

You started to walk past him into the bathroom but he grabbed your arm. "Don't do that to yourself" you glanced over at the bed where Adi was fast asleep then tilted your head towards the bathroom "Walk in here if you wanna keep talking. Let's not wake her up" he held onto your arm gently as he followed you in.

\---------------------

Once the two of you were in the bathroom you laid your clothes on the sink then turned to face him before he could even try to speak "I'm sorry for brushing you off like that but no matter how happy I am that you're here which I hope you know I am soo happy..I still close my eyes and see you bleeding out in front of me..Its gonna take more than five days to get over that Billy"

He stepped closer to you and when you didn't move away he pulled you into his arms. You moved a little to the side to not hurt him then leaned your head over on his chest "Listen to me Y/N. If I would've died at least my last act would've been protecting you. I've done a lot of things you should've never forgave me for yet you still love me so forgive yourself for what some junkie did ok?" You nodded then barely spoke when you said "Ok"

He pulled back then smiled "Now can I kiss you?" "Of course" you replied meeting him halfway. You sighed contentedly when your lips met and pulled him as close to you as you could without hurting him.

When he stepped back breaking the kiss he licked his lips and stared down at you, his eyes darker than usual "How long until I'm cleared for physical activities?" You smiled innocently "A few weeks why?" He ran a hand over his face then pointed to the door "I'm gonna go back out there before you take your clothes off and I have a hard time remembering not to rip my stitches" 

You couldn't help but laugh which caused him to give you a playful glare "I love you Billy" you offered trying to stow your laughter. He let out a small laugh himself a broad smile slipping onto his face "I love you too Y/N"

\--------------------

You were used to waking up with Adi in bed with you from times she'd have a nightmare or when you would have a nightmare and not be able to fall back asleep without her being close. 

Waking up with her fast asleep between you and Billy you nearly felt the need to pinch yourself. Bless your babygirl she must have moved the pillow with her throughout the night because she was using coco to lay her head on and her pillow and frozen blanket had formed a barrier between Billy's stomach and her but her little head was still laying on his left arm that was stretched across the pillows at the head of the bed.

You lost count of how long you laid there watching them sleep before Billy opened one eye and smiled when he saw you "Thank god it wasn't a dream" you hid your face in your pillow to hide the huge smile on your face then finally said "No you're really here. I'm gonna start coffee and breakfast. When sleeping beauty wakes up feel free to come and join me"

"Can I have a good morning kiss?" He asked after you climbed out the bed so you walked around to his side so you wouldn't disturb Adi and leaned down to kiss the scar on his right cheek "Really the cheek?" He almost seemed actually offended when you laughed and ran a finger over your bottom lip "Morning breath baby. Don't want to run you off after all" "No way that could ever happen" he replied before laying his head back over to wait for Adi to wake up.

\--------------------

You had just poured Adi a glass of orange juice when she came walking out the room with her hair sticking up in ten different directions, rubbing her eyes. "Good morning babygirl" you said and she smiled at you "morning mommy" 

Billy walked out right behind her and smiled "She wakes up like you do. Little growls and groans but still beautiful" you shook your head but couldn't hide the smile when you turned to follow Adi so you could help her up into her booster seat then looked back over at Billy "Coffee is made. I made a few extra pancakes when I made Adi's or there's cereal or bagels"

He nodded and seemed to break out of whatever trance he'd been in watching you and Adi then said "Coffee and pancakes sound good to me" and winked at Adi as he took a seat next to her.

******

Billy's head was still spinning around. Waking up with Adi's head on his arm and you laying close enough to touch had been like a dream. He'd been afraid for a moment it was until you smiled at him when he opened his eyes.

He helped you clean up after breakfast then grabbed a shower and was now watching Adi run around the living room engrossed in some game she'd made up with her stuffed animals while he waited for you to redress his stomach. 

You were standing at the counter with your first aid kit open. The damn thing was bigger than some people's overnight bags but he was just happy you didn't insist on diving into your med bag. "C'mere" you called waving him over so he stood in front of you leaned back against the counter.

You raised an eyebrow and touched his t-shirt "This has to come back off baby" he smirked and raised his arms "Be my guess. It was a bitch getting on alone so you gotta take it off" you shook your head but when he felt your hands slide under his shirt and gently touch his side he had to swallow hard and remind himself that your daughter was in the next room and he was still injured. 

It had been too long since he felt your touch and he'd be lying if he said it didn't make so many memories run through his mind but he pushed them down as you stood on your tip toes to pull the shirt over his head then laid it on the counter beside you "Let's see what we have here"

******

Billy had left the waterproof covering you'd put on his wound even when he'd pulled his shirt on so you gently peeled it away then went to work cleaning the wound then started redressing it.

The doctors had done an amazing job on him and you were glad to see there was no leakage or anything around the area. You were also glad to have the distraction of the medicinal side of what you were doing because this was the first time you'd touched his bare skin since Adi had been conceived and a part of you wanted nothing more than to leave a kiss on the smooth expanse of his chest.

As if on cue Adi came running in and stood watching wide eyed while you finished what you were doing then moved to grab Billy's shirt. You helped him get his arms in then cut your eyes at her "What ya doing babygirl?" She grinned "watchin you help daddy"

Billy smiled and pulled his shirt down over his stomach "Well since mommy's done why don't you pick a movie and I'll come join you on the couch?" She giggled and ran off.You watched her for a second before asking "Are you sure you feel like wrangling her? I've got to go in for a few hours. I'd get Alice to do the paperwork and all but I'm p.i.c." 

He stepped up behind you and slid his arms around your waist "We'll be fine. I can always call if I need you. I have Sarah's and Karen's numbers too" you nodded and felt his lips brush against your neck which caused a slight trail of goosebumps to pop up on your skin.

"I love you Y/N" you turned around to face him and smiled "I love you too Billy" then leaned up to press a quick kiss to his lips. When his hands went to your hips to try to pull you closer you broke away and shook your head "Nope. I've gotta go, you've got frozen to watch and besides you're hurt" 

He laughed and pulled you back for another quick kiss then whispered into your ear "I'll heal up eventually" then pressed a kiss to your cheek before heading to the couch where Adi was waiting. You shook your head then quickly went to gather what you'd need for the day. When you walked back into the living room Adi was curled against his side watching the movie like it was the first time. 

You grabbed the remote and paused it then squatted in front of her "Give me some love babygirl. I'll be back in a while. Watch over daddy for me" she gave you a hug then a kiss on the cheek "I will mommy. love you" "Love you too baby" you clicked play once she was sitting back down then leaned over to kiss Billy on the cheek "See you in a few hours. I love you and don't overdue it.. You're weeks out from being healed"

He grinned and said "I won't! And I love you too. Now go. We're good here"

You glanced back at the two of them when you stopped to grab your car keys and smiled. The two loves of your life. How lucky could a woman get?

  
  



	56. Chapter 56

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story is now on the down slope. There's still a couple surprises but it's pretty much fluff and more fluff for these last couple chapters

"I had a ring" Billy's voice was barely a whisper in the darkness of your room and at first you weren't sure he was even awake until you turned enough to face him. "What?" You asked tracing the scars on his left shoulder as he stared up at the ceiling.

"Before Rawlins threatened you, before I had to make a choice. I bought you a ring. I was planning to propose the day Frank got stateside from that last deployment" your heart dropped when you realized what he was saying "Oh" if he'd bought a ring back then he would've gotten Maria to go with him. No wonder she'd thought he was going to propose the night he broke up with you.

He blinked a few times then finally looked down into your eyes and confirmed what you were thinking "Maria helped me pick it out. I was so nervous but she said Billy she'd say yes to you with a ring from a gumball machine but I've known her since we were kids. This ring is absolutely perfect for her" you tried to keep your face neutral as memories flooded you both. "I'm sure it was Billy but she was right. I'd marry you without a ring" 

He half smiled then leaned over to press a gentle kiss to your lips "I know but you deserve a ring sweetheart" you shook your head then laid over on his chest being mindful of the stitches in his stomach that still had a couple weeks until they'd come out "I love you Billy" he kissed the top of your head and said "I love you too. Get some sleep baby"

He laid in the dark as your breathing evened out and he knew you were back asleep. He was racking his mind trying to remember just what had happened to that ring. He knew you weren't a materialist person but after everything if he could give you that ring, that small piece of Maria it would mean something. Your hand flinched slightly and he laid his hand over it smiling when you calmed at his touch. 

There were still mornings he'd wake up and just for a second the dread would wash over him that maybe he was still in the hospital after his tbi and he was stuck inside his own head. After all he had the woman he loved in bed next to him and his daughter one room over. He never dreamed of having a family before he met you. You had always been the one he was meant to be with. 

The dread would quickly fade when he was met with a kiss from you or the way Adi would call out for him, wanting daddy first thing upon waking. The two of you could pull him out from the worst of the memories. Hell the two of you were the reason he'd ever would've wanted to survive the fallout from Rawlins, you were the reason why he had a life worth living.

He finally fell back asleep holding your hand in place on his chest.

* * *

When you woke up the next morning you were still laying halfway on his chest. You laid there for a few minutes letting your eyes skim across every scar on his face, resisting the urge to do so with your fingers.

You weren't sure where the late night confession about having bought a ring in the past had come from. Maybe the memory had just surfaced? You hoped he knew you meant it when you said you didn't need a ring. You loved him, the two of you shared a daughter. Him and Adi were all you needed.

You hadn't noticed he was waking up until he said "You know I love you but staring is a little creepy darling" you popped his chest playfully "I was not staring, I was gazing. That makes it romantic not creepy" he opened one eye and grinned "Tell yourself that baby" you mocked hurt and said "Well in that case I'll just sleep my creepy ass on the couch tonight" and acted like you were going to get up but he pulled you closer before you could've ever had the chance.

"Oh you're going to leave me when I'm injured? I haven't even got the stitches out and you're already bored of me" you sat there with your mouth gaped open at that because you honestly had no other response. He started laughing and pulled you in for a kiss "Come here baby. I know you're not bored of me" you allowed yourself a moment to enjoy the feeling of his lips on yours before pulling back long enough to say "Nu uh Mr Russo. You've hurt my feelings. A kiss isn't getting you out of it"

He flipped the two of you over so he was on top of you and smiled "What can I do to make it up to you?" You raised an eyebrow while trying and failing to not smile. "Well I'd prefer you not bust your stitches open! I've got plenty of time to let you make it up to me but blood isn't really a turn on" he pushed your shirt up just enough to let his hand slip under it "Well if you stay still I shouldn't hurt myself" his lips found your neck at the same time you felt his hand slide across your bare skin and without meaning to a light moan escaped your lips. 

He chuckled against your neck but you felt the moment both of your moods shifted when his hand ghosted over the scarred tissue on your left side. His fingers were so light you almost missed the touch. "I love you Y/N" you reached up to let your fingers trace one of the scars on his cheek "I love you too Billy but you do know even if you'd been home, I was at work when it happened. You couldn't have protected me from it"

He half smiled then placed a quick kiss to your neck "I know baby but it doesn't help me to know you nearly died and if you would've Curt would've had to tell me on a visiting day" you moved your hand to make him look you in the face. He smiled when you said "Billy you still have stitches from taking a bullet meant for me. The scars on your face are a direct result from protecting me. Hell I've shot you twice! Once with a paintball gun then when I actually shot you. You've got to not beat yourself up over things" 

He laughed then "Gotta admit our love story is unique" "That it is" you agreed with a laugh. Before either of you could move the monitor crackled to life and you heard Adi "Daddy" you glanced over at it then back up at him "You're being paged dear and I need to get a shower before work" he kissed you on the lips then climbed off of you and out the bed. You watched him leave out the room then laid back with a laugh. God what was Adi gonna think when she got old enough to find out everything that had went down? Now wasn't the time to worry about that at least.

You climbed out of bed then headed to grab clothes for the day.

* * *

Billy was sitting across from Adi at the table when you walked out the bedroom pulling your hair up in a bun. She'd wanted pancakes so he had delivered then cleaned up the mess.

He looked up when you walked out and smiled when you asked "Do you have to go in today?" He nodded "Yeah we got a few meetings I've got to go to. Dinah nor Sam is really budging on me helping with training until I'm completely cleared" 

"Good. That means I don't have to threaten to shoot anyone in Homeland again" you muttered and he laughed. "Sarah picking up Adi or are you dropping her off?" You asked, starting the coffee maker.

He ran a hand over her head and she grinned up at him "I'm going to drop her off then I was thinking if the meetings ran short enough I might be able to talk her into visiting Simba and Nala?" Her eyes got big at the mention of the aquarium "Please daddy?" You looked over your shoulder at her "You gotta be good for aunt Sarah ok baby?" She nodded "I will"

You finished making your coffee in silence while Adi finished her pancakes then ran off to play for a few minutes. Billy stood up and slid his arms around your waist "I meant to tell you Curt reminded me that I still have some stuff in his storage unit. I have no idea what it is but do you want to go through it with me tomorrow?" You leaned nodded then looked up at him "Sure why not but I'm warning you right now better not be any souvenirs from anyone you took home while we weren't together"

He knew you meant it as a joke but there was just enough hesitation in your eyes he felt the need to say "No one went home with me. My bed always belonged to you Y/N" you blinked a few times as his words sank in then the smile that slid onto your face was enough to make his heart skip a beat "Really?" You asked it in almost a whisper.

He let his lips brush against your neck "Really" You were quiet for a moment before saying "Matt never came here. Not like that anyways. It didn't feel right, not to mention I never really found it in me to take your photos down" he smiled against your skin "Nice to know"

About that time Adi came running back in "Daddy!" He turned to see that she had four different outfits in her hand. "Which?" He looked back at you so you shrugged. He looked between her choices and picked her red dress and black leggings. "These babygirl. Now do you need help?" She shook her head "I can do it"

* * *

You watched her run off with a smile. "She's already getting independent Billy" he looked back at you with a grimace "I know. I hate it" you couldn't help but laugh at the little pout he had.

Your phone went off with a text so you grabbed it and saw it was Alice saying she was downstairs. "Shit. I gotta get my stuff together" you walked over to the closet to grab your bags then stepped into Adi's room.

She was dressed but was trying to get her leggings straight. "Baby do you need help?" You asked and she shook her head "I can do it" "Ok sweetheart well can mommy get some love aunt Alice is downstairs so I got to go" she stopped fighting with them to run into your arms "Love you mommy" you kissed her cheek and said "Love you too"

  
  


Billy glanced up when you walked back into the living room so you pointed back towards Adi's room. "She's gonna need some help but you gotta make her think it's her idea" he nodded "Yes ma'am" you shook your head then stepped over closer to pull him into a kiss "I love you Billy" he smiled and said "I love you too. Have a good shift and tell Alice I said hey" you gave him another quick kiss then headed for the door. If you weren't down soon Alice would start calling.

* * *

"So when are you going to propose to Y/N, Bill? I mean is she going to be a Russo before Adi turns three or four?" Frank asked with a smirk. "When I finally heal up for one and when I get a ring worthy of her" he replied but Frank shook his head "Ok first all we don't want to hear about your sex life and I know that's why you said once you're healed and also you know it's bullshit saying that you got to have a ring. She'd marry you today" Curtis cut in. 

Billy groaned "That's my point! She would marry me today but I think you both agree after the hell she's been put through doesn't she deserve a ring, the dress she wants and the wedding she wants?" David raised his hand slightly "Hasn't she yelled at you and Frank both about saying what she does or doesn't deserve?" Billy shot him a glare so he added "And haven't you bought her a cabin already?"

Billy shook his head at the three of them "I swear the bunch of you gossip worse than any woman. I will propose when the time is right ok? I love her and want nothing more than to call her my wife" Dinah walked by about that time and added "If you keep dragging your feet I'm going to propose to her" causing all the guys to crack up laughing.

\-----------------------

It was a relief to get out of the office and head across town to pick Adi up. Leo answered the door and he had forgotten that school was out for spring break. "Hey Billy!" She greeted with a smile then hollered "Lil bit, your daddy's here!"

Adi came running around the corner with a smile and what looked like a cookie smeared across her face "Daddy!" Sarah was behind her with a wipe in hand "We made cookies. Adi was the official taste tester of course" he laughed and said "Of course"

Once she'd let Sarah clean her up Adi grinned "We're gonna go see sharks!" Sarah smiled "Really? I know you love the sharks" he watched her go around and hug Sarah then Leo and even Zach came down to tell Adi bye. "Be good little bit. I'll see you tomorrow" Sarah told her with a final hug. "Bye aunt Sarah"

Billy held her hand out to the car and when he went to pick her up she shook her head "I can do it" he held his hands behind her just in case she slipped climbing into the car but she managed to get into her seat without incident so he leaned over to strap her in then kissed her forehead. "My big girl. Ready to go?" She nodded "All ready"

\-----------

Adi made it through the sharks,penguins and seahorses before she was tugging on his sleeve "Can we go home?" He nodded and picked her up gently to not pull his stitches "Let's go babygirl"

Once he got her home she was asleep by the time he carried her inside and laid her on the couch. He watched her sleep for a moment thinking just how lucky he was but everyone was right he needed to make peace with not being able to give you the ring he wanted and find you a different one. 

Frank and Karen were hosting the bi-weekly dinner this time so there was nothing that had to be done until you got home. He decided to grab his laptop and look through options on engagement rings.


	57. Chapter 57

You woke up and reached out for Billy only to find his side of the bed empty. You leaned up on your elbows and could vaguely hear cartoons coming from the living room television. Of course with it being one of your days off he probably slipped out of bed to be waiting when she woke up. 

You glanced over at the monitor and saw the red light wasn't on meaning he'd turned it off as well. You considered going back to sleep but the smell of coffee was slowly starting to drift into the room spurring you on out of bed.

When you walked out the bedroom Billy glanced up with a smirk "Told ya mommy would be up soon" Adi smiled around her spoon and once again you were struck with the fact that although you'd went through carrying her and the labor looks wise she was one hundred percent her father's child. "Are you two out here plotting without me?" You asked with a grin. She shook her head but giggled when you tickled her on the way by.

You left a quick kiss on Billy's cheek then headed to grab a cup of coffee.

Once you were sitting across from them you turned your attention to Adi "So babygirl. What are you and aunt Sarah going to do while mommy and daddy goes to uncle Curt's storage unit?" She cut her eyes at Billy and it was clear the two of them were having a conversation between themselves. "Addison Elizabeth. Are you and daddy plotting something?" You asked again and she shrugged "I don't know" then finished her cereal and climbed down to go play.

"Billy?" You asked and he shrugged exactly like she had "I don't know what you are talking about baby"

\-----------------------

You got dressed then wrangled Adi into some clothes for the day while Billy got dressed. On the way down to the car you noticed the two of them keep smiling at each other and knew without a doubt they were plotting something but you also knew neither of them would break.

"Be good for aunt Sarah" you reminded Adi before she squirmed out of your arms and ran after Leo "Love you mommy! Love you daddy!" You laughed and looked back at Sarah "Thanks for watching her for a couple hours. I just know she'd get bored coming with us" she smiled "You know I love having her. Take your time"

You and Billy walked back out to the car with his arm around your waist "Care to tell me now?" You asked but he shook his head "Nope. It's a surprise" you rolled your eyes but smiled regardless. Whatever it was had him and Adi both in a wonderfully good mood and you definitely loved seeing that. 

\-----------------------

You were sitting cross legged on an end table that had seen better days "Why does Curt have such a big storage unit again?" You asked opening up the box you'd just cut the tape off of. "He gets donations for the vets like if they need beds or furniture and stores it here. You do realize you helped him get funding for this too right?" Billy explained and you shrugged "I helped him get funding and gave him a down payment on the new place for meetings. He needed help and I had the means to help him"

You glanced down into the box and smiled "Oooh pictures" you started pulling them out and recognized them immediately. There were a few from his and Frank's days in the marines, where they were so muddy you couldn't tell what color their uniforms were from training. "Oh Adi will love these! Daddy and uncle Frank. Two of her favorite people"

You sat them to the side then dug further down into the box. There were photos from the cabin, vacations you and him had ended up going with the Castles on. The photos ranged from when the two of you had simply been friends due to your best friends being married all the way to a photo Maria had taken of the two of you headed to some banquet to try to get some higher ups attention on the plans for Anvil. "I never realized you kept all of these" you whispered and he turned to watch you for a second before a smile slipped onto his face "Why wouldn't I? You remember that night at the cabin, we stayed up around the fire talking until the sun came up?"

You nodded then slowly met his eyes "I fell in love with you that night" you admitted and the laugh he gave seemed to fill the unit "You took the words right out of my mouth Y/N. I knew from that night if I ever had hopes of a real relationship that I wanted it to be with you. Of course I'd keep the photos of us. Just because we split doesn't mean I ever stopped loving you"

You smiled and held the last photo in your lap. It was one you had framed in your apartment. It was of you, Billy, Lisa and Frank Jr. It was taken the same day you and Billy had said I love you for the first time. "Ever thought we'd get here?" You asked and he shook his head "I don't know honestly. I hoped for it but there for a while, I lost any hope at all but once again you pulled me out" a blush warmed your cheeks so you shook your head and pointed around "We need to get this done. We can profess our undying love for each other later"

* * *

You were digging around in a box of paperwork trying to make sense if any of it was actually needed or if it could all be shredded. Billy loved seeing the way your nose scrunched up as you explained to David the numbers on each page.

You'd volunteered for the job even though he'd offered so he was left to go through the last two boxes by himself. He cut the tape on one and opened it. The first thing was an old Marine corp t-shirt. It'd seen better days and had actually started life as Frank's. You'd claimed it and if he closed his eyes he could practically see you that first day in the airport waiting with Maria when him and Frank walked off the plane.

He picked it up and started to call your name but something clattered to the floor. He bent down to see what it was and felt a jolt of excitement at realizing it was a small black box that had fell. He glanced back to see your back was turned to him while you fed papers into the shredder Curtis had in the unit as well. 

He slowly picked it up and said a silent prayer before he opened it. There nestled in the soft interior was the two tone gold, one and a half carat princess cut heirloom engagement ring him and Maria had spent four hours picking out. He pulled it out and turned it over to read the inscription they'd chosen "You'll always have my heart" 

He knew he wouldn't have gotten rid of it. Now, holding it he could remember. That morning after you'd spent the night with him, when you were both mourning and he'd stupidly believed it would be a second chance he found that shirt after he trashed his bedroom. He'd wrapped the ring up and put it in the safe that only him and Curtis had the code for. That morning he never would've thought he would be here, with you. He could propose to you with the ring Maria picked out, she could still be a part of it.

He put it back into the ring box and slid it in his pocket. He texted Sarah to let her know there would be a slight change of plans then turned back around about the time you were hanging up with David. "Anything good?" You asked so he held up the shirt "Look familiar?" Your eyes got wide "You kept it! Billy I thought I'd lost that shirt!" You grinned when he tossed it to you. "What are you going to do with that old thing?" You shrugged "I can always get Sarah to make Adi a teddy bear with it"

* * *

In the end you and Billy ended up taking three boxes home and donating the rest. He was still in the amazingly good mood he started the day in so you were happy of that.

"So what's the plan for tonight?" You asked him as he pulled out onto the road and reached for your hand. His eyes ticked over your body and you knew what he was going to say the moment that damn smirk appeared on his face "Well I got some plans sweetheart but you won't let me do any of them until a doctor says I'm cleared" 

You shook your head and said "Believe me, the moment you're cleared I will let you do any plans of that sort you want but I'm talking about the pg rated plans" he raised an eyebrow slightly and rolled his shoulder closest to you which was a nervous habit he'd had for years "Oh the pg plans. Aren't we supposed to meet someone for dinner?" 

You rolled your eyes and said "Uh yeah. David and Sarah but everyone is coming for dinner. I meant did you want to do anything afterwards or do you want to just hang out with them a while?" He seemed lost in thought so you gently shook the hand that held yours "Earth to Billy" he shook his head and smiled "Sorry beautiful, yeah whatever you want sounds great" his phone went off with a text and you reached to see who it was. It was from Frank and simply read "What changed? Call me"

"What's Frank mean?" You asked once Billy stopped at a red light. He glanced over and quickly read the message then shrugged "Oh I had to reschedule some meetings for my doctor's appointment next week is all" it seemed a decent enough answer but you'd known Billy for so long you knew when he wasn't quite telling the truth "Is there anything else I need to know?" You didn't mean to sound accusatory but it came across like that and you realized when Billy pulled over next to the curb so he could face you "Y/N what are you asking me?"

You pulled your hand from his and shrugged "It just seems like you're hiding something Billy. Nothing has ever went well from any of us hiding shit from each other. Hell Karen has nearly shot Frank, Frank has shot Matt, I've shot you and threatened to shoot David. We have a bad track record as a unit here" he started laughing then pulled you into a hug "Baby I promise it's nothing bad. You know how me and Frank are. We have issues with our ducks wondering off when we try to get them in a row. I promise I am not hiding anything from you" you allowed yourself to be held for a moment before you finally nodded "Ok. I love you Billy" "I love you too baby" 

\--------------------

After the two of you stopped by your apartment to drop the boxes off from the storage unit you headed to the Liebermans. 

Karen's car was parked behind Sarah's van, Kenzie's car was on the street with Curtis' behind hers. "Jesus we all get our schedules synced and it looks like we're having a fricking party" time the words got out your mouth Foggy's car pulled up too. "Looks like everyone is here at least" Billy mused waving to Foggy as the two of you parked behind Karen and climbed out.

"Matt, Foggy! Where's Lil and Marci?" You asked walking over to hug them both. "Lil got called in last minute and Marci is visiting her mom. They both said to tell you hey and give Adi a hug" Matt answered after you hugged him.

"Glad the two of you could make it" Billy said and you smiled "Well let's head in"

You slid your arm through Matt's and walked between him and Billy up the driveway. Billy was talking to Foggy about a recent case. "How's work been?" Matt asked and you nearly groaned "Don't even get me started"

\-------------------------

You were sitting in the living room floor while Leo braided Adi's hair. You enjoyed nights like this. You had never really had a family before Maria's let alone a big one but your daughter was now surrounded by aunts and uncles that would go to literal war for her. 

Karen was sitting next to you and leaned over to whisper in your ear "So are you behaving on the no actual sex until Billy's healed part?" You swirled the wine in your glass around then finally admitted "I am trying very hard Page. Don't judge me" and she cracked up laughing. 

Alice and Sarah cut their eyes at you so you smiled "If either of you wants in on the secret come down here" Kenzie was the first one off the couch laughing as she plopped down in your lap "I wanna know!"

* * *

Frank had corned Billy in the backyard so all the other guys had followed. They were currently all drinking a beer and watching the interaction with Frank and Billy.

"So what changed? This morning you're asking me and Karen to distract her tomorrow so you can go ring shopping. I know you're not backing out now" Frank stated and Billy shook his head with a proud smile "actually there's a reason I got Karen to round everyone up"

"You're going to ask her tonight?" Foggy guessed so Billy fished the ring out his pocket and held it out to Frank. "I've had this thing for years. It's definitely not how I originally planned it but Maria helped me pick this out for her" Frank opened the box and let out a low whistle "It's a beaut Bill. Maria always did have good taste, why she married me I'll never know" "You knocked her up?" Curtis reminded with a laugh.

When Frank handed it back Billy saw just how genuine he was when he said "I'm happy for you man" "Thanks Frankie that means a lot" 

* * *

It was getting closer to Adi's bedtime when all the guys came back inside and joined all of you. Zach sat next to Leo and Adi and whispered something to Leo who smiled.

David joined Sarah on the couch and Frank sat down in the recliner and pulled Karen up into his lap while Curtis took the last seat on the couch while Matt and Foggy stood behind it.

You smiled up at Billy and patted the floor next to you "Wanna join me?" He shook his head but held his hand out "Actually I need to talk to you" you took offered hand and let him pull you to your feet. You glanced around quickly then said "Is this an in private talk?" You were a little confused as to what he needed to talk about.

He pulled something out his pocket then grabbed your hand "Y/N, I've been in love with you for longer than I can remember. You have been a saving grace in my life since the moment I met you. When you had every reason to walk away from me you gave me a beautiful babygirl and a second chance instead" before you could question what was going on he got down on one knee. "Billy" you could feel tears in your eyes but pushed them down. 

"I'm asking you in front of everyone we love, will you do me the honor of being my wife?" "Of course" you said and felt him slip the ring onto your finger before he stood and pulled you into a kiss. 

When you pulled away from him Adi came running over "I wanna see!" She grabbed your left hand and it was only then that you looked at the ring "Oh my god Billy. Where did you get this?" He smiled and said "Maria made me promise to not tell you that"

Tears sprung to your eyes as you looked back at him and he nodded "It's the ring she helped me pick" you pulled him into another kiss then picked up Adi on your hip. "So babygirl, you excited for mommy and daddy to get married?" Before she could answer Frank spoke up and said "It's been past time for you two to tie the knot" causing everyone to start laughing.

  
  



	58. Chapter 58

"You've got a dress fitting today don't you?" Billy asked, leaving a trail of kisses across your bare shoulder. "Yeah. Karen and Adi are meeting me at the diner for breakfast then we're going to make a day of it" Adi had insisted on staying with Frank and Karen the night before since they'd just moved into their house so you let her.

  
He leaned back far enough you were able to move around and face him. The smile on his face made your heart flip. You reached up and ran your fingers lightly across the scars on his cheek "I like seeing that smile on you" you admitted and he turned his head to kiss the palm of your hand "This smile comes from knowing I have you and our daughter. I couldn't ask for anything else"

  
A matching smile slipped onto your face at his words "I love you Mr Russo" he pressed a gentle kiss to your lips then said "I love you too soon to be Mrs Russo" before the kiss could turn into anything more Billy's phone started ringing and you knew it was Frank's alert. You laughed when he groaned and buried his face in your neck "Naw uh. Answer Frank, I'm gonna go hop in the shower. If you talk to him now you can join me"

  
He watched you climb out the bed with a playful pout but you heard him say "Hey Frank" before you stepped into the bathroom.

  
\----------------------

  
You were standing under the water with your eyes closed when you felt Billy's hands slide around your waist. You leaned back into his touch before asking "What's up with Frank?" "Asking what time we have to go to the tux place" he grumbled finding that one spot on your neck that always made you weak "All of that can wait, let me love my fiancee a little before the day starts" "Fine by me" you all but whispered barely biting back a moan when his hand slid lower.

  
\------------------------

  
It had taken you weeks upon weeks to finally decide on a dress. You'd never really considered yourself to be one of those women that went insane trying to find the perfect dress but none of the ones you tried felt right.

  
It finally occurred to you that you weren't looking at dresses you liked. You were looking at what was considered traditional wedding dresses. There wasn't anything about you and Billy that was traditional.

  
When you dropped that aspect you and Karen happened upon the perfect dress. It was everything you wanted but it was also black. You were worried what Billy would think if you wore a black dress so you bought it up one night. His response had been "Y/N I'd marry you in these pjs you have on. If it's your dream wedding dress I already love it"

  
You'd went back the next day and bought the dress. You ended up finding Adi a flower girl dress that was literally a mini copy of your own. Karen found a gold bridesmaid dress that you absolutely adored and since that fit the color scheme you'd picked it was the dress she decided on.

  
The wedding was going to be small and intimate. The wedding party itself was just Karen as your maid of honor, Frank as Billy's best man, Adi as the flower girl and Curtis was walking you down the aisle. Counting everyone you considered part of your circle there would only be about fifty people there. Everything from the venue to the food fit you and Billy perfectly.

  
\--------------------

  
When you walked into the diner you heard Adi's voice first "Mommy!" You looked up to see her and Karen in a corner booth. Karen smiled "She's been keeping an eye out" you held out your arms and Adi jumped into them.

  
You slid across from Karen and she laughed when Adi slid between the two of you and said "Mommy! I love aunt Karen's house!" She started rambling all the different rooms which you knew considering you'd help set the house up but you loved seeing her so excited. Karen leaned over next to her and said "Maybe when the house next to me and uncle Frank is finished you, mommy and daddy can move into it!" You and Billy hadn't long contracted the company to start construction. Adi just didn't know the house next to uncle Frank and aunt Karen's would in fact be your new home in about a year.

  
Adi's eyes got big at that "Mommy?" You shrugged "Maybe, who knows?" And winked at Karen before adding "and maybe after me and daddy get married, uncle Frank and aunt Karen will be next" you knew Frank had already went ring shopping. Billy nor Curtis could keep a secret from you. A light blush graced Karen's cheeks before she said "Maybe"

  
The three of you ate while you talked about the upcoming wedding, the fact that Frank had finally given in and they were adopting a puppy and both of yours work. "I'm glad Jessie can work with Alice for you to have some time off" she said and you nodded in agreement. "Aren't you and Frank going to join us at the cabin? I mean we'll be there for a week but i figured you two could come up on the weekend" "Of course. Wouldn't pass an opportunity on a mini vacation" 

  
\--------------------

  
You helped Adi try on her flower girl dress in one room while Karen was trying on her dress in the other. "Ok aunt Karen we're coming out!" You called and opened the door with a flourish. "Aunt Karen you're so pretty!" Adi squealed. "Look at you! You look like a princess!" Karen gushed in response. 

  
You smiled at the way the two of them were twirling around so you grabbed your phone to snap a few photos. After you laid your phone down you clapped your hands together and said "Yes I do believe I have the most gorgeous maid of honor and the absolute most beautiful flower girl" 

  
They both gave a curtsy with a laugh before Karen waved her hand at you "Now your turn so we can gush" you smiled "yes ma'am miss page" and disappeared into your own dressing room.

  
When you walked out Karen and Adi had matching expressions. Wide eyes and huge smiles "Mommy! You're beautiful!" Adi giggled and Karen nodded "She took the words right out of my mouth"

  
You stepped over to look at yourself in the mirror and smiled at your reflection. You loved this dress "How do you think Billy will react?" Karen cut her eyes at Adi then said "I think he'll be speechless and I'm betting on some tears. Oh yeah Billy is gonna be one of those happy criers on your wedding day" Adi grinned and added "Daddy thinks you're pretty when you wake up mommy!" with a laugh.

  
\--------------------

  
After you scheduled a time for Karen to pick up all three dresses the three of you left the shop. "Well now what's the plan?" Karen asked so you checked the time "Well Frank, Billy and Curt should be finishing up. We can round them up to do something?" Adi nodded "I want ice cream" 

  
You tilted your head back towards her "I guess we'll round them up for ice cream then" Karen laughed and said "sounds like a plan to me" 

  
\--------------------

  
You sat between Billy and Frank while Adi tried her best to steal at least one spoonful of everyone's choices. You started to doubt her decision to mix mint chocolate chip, rocky road, cotton candy and cookie dough but she seemed content with the choice and still had plenty of time to have an appetite back for dinner.

  
"So what's the final guest list?" Curtis asked so you pointed around the table "besides us? Candace of course, Foggy, Marci, Matt, Lilith, Alice and Kenz, the Liebermans, Ellison and his wife then everyone I've worked with for so many years from the station house and a few choice from Homeland" 

  
Frank shook his head with a laugh "Bill having a small, non flashy wedding. Miracles do happen" Billy leaned up and said "Now Frankie you know for Y/N and Adi anything is possible" the two shared a loaded look that you knew held years and so much baggage but after a moment Frank smiled "Ain't that the damn trust" and flicked some of his ice cream at Billy. You laughed as you ducked and Karen scolded them both. 


	59. Chapter 59

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok folks there is only 1 chapter after this!!! So enjoy the second to last

"Y/N I swear, if you don't go to sleep you won't make it to the wedding!" Karen's hollow threat made you crack up laughing even harder. You hadn't seen the point of spending the night before the wedding apart but Frank being Frank insisted you and Billy do something in line with tradition considering Maria had been pregnant yet they spent the night before their wedding apart.

That meant that while Billy was sound asleep on Curtis' couch that Karen was listening to you having a case of the nervous giggles. "Kare! What if I trip?" You whispered in the dark the mental image of doing a faceplant causing tears to slip out the corner of your eyes from how hard you were laughing. "Curtis won't let you fall! Now go to sleep before I go sleep in Adi's room with her!" 

You went quiet for a few seconds and she thought you'd finally fell asleep until you poked her shoulder. "What?" She asked turning to face you with a laugh. "Thank you for being in my life Karen. When Maria died I never dreamed of being that close to someone again or seeing Frank as happy as he is. You've helped us all so much just by being you" her smile turned less joking and more serious "I'm glad I wandered into yours and Frank's life. I have a family now and I wouldn't trade any of you for anything in this world. I love you, that being said go to sleep so we aren't late to the venue in turn causing our guys to go into full panic mode worrying something happened to us and Adi"

That mental image made your eyes widen in horror "Jesus those two would tear New York apart" you smiled at her then turned over willing yourself to be soothed to sleep by Billy's cologne that still clung lightly to his pillows.

\----------------------

You were up the next morning downing your third cup of coffee by the time Adi woke up and came stumbling into the living room where you were waiting. "Mommy? Where's aunt Karen?" You smiled and picked her up onto your hip "Aunt Karen went to meet aunt Alice and aunt Kenz at the venue. They're making sure everything is set up. Me and you are heading there as soon as you get dressed" she grinned up at you as the two of you walked back into her room "Are you excited mommy?" "Oh I'm very excited babygirl"

\---------------------

The venue had a room for you and any attendants to get ready and one for Billy but considering your wedding party was so small the rooms were basically being used for those invited before the actual wedding to spend time together and plot photos before the ceremony.

You were sitting in front of a mirror while Alice and Karen did the final touches on your hair and Kenzie did Adi's. "Billy is so nervous it's adorable" Kenzie spoke from her corner of the room and you couldn't hide the smile on your face "Billy? Nervous? Someone may have to snitch me a photo" Alice caught your eye in the mirror and shook her head "You know the rule ma'am. He's not allowed to see you therefore you're not allowed to see him either" 

You playfully stuck your tongue out at her "spoiled sport" she laughed and placed the final touch on your hair. "What do you think Y/N?" You turned sideways and smiled "I love it!" Kenzie turned the chair Adi was sitting in around to show off her updo "Mommy look!" You smiled at her "Oh baby, you look beautiful" Kenzie grinned then said "I'm going to go find the photographer, see what shots she wants before the ceremony then afterwards you can round up everyone for group shots" "can I go show uncle Frank my dress?" Adi asked and Karen shot you a look before she said "I'll go with her to make sure she doesn't accidentally mention that her dress matches yours" "Thanks Karen" 

Once it was just you and Alice in the room she sat down on the bench next to you and put her arm around your shoulders "You know I'm going to do my best to embarrass both you and Billy during my toast at the reception right?" You laughed with a nod "I wouldn't expect anything less" she laid her head over on your shoulder for a moment before finally saying "I'm glad he didn't actually ever want to hurt you. I've never seen you happier than with him. You two are made for each other" "Thanks for always being in my corner" you said and she leaned up far enough to leave a feather light kiss on your cheek "Always babe. Always"

\--------------------

Billy was pacing the small room reserved for the groomsmen and was fairly certain Frank would've already knocked him out had it not been for ruining wedding photos by the groom having a black eye. "Bill" Frank called his name and he stopped in his tracks "What Frankie?" 

"She's been in love with you this long. I don't think she's gonna run today ok?" He half laughed "I know. I just never thought this day would come, now it's dragging on" Curtis laughed then a knock at the door drew all of their attention "Can we come in?" Karen's voice drifted inside so Curtis opened the door.

Adi came running in first,her dress billowing around her "Look uncle Frank, look daddy!" All of Billy's nerves took a backseat seeing his little girl all dressed up and with a smile that big. "You look so beautiful!" He told her as he caught her mid air. He spun her around once then she turned to look up at Frank who said "Lil bit you're prettier than anyone here" Adi smiled big "Mommy looks so pretty! Aunt Karen says daddy's gonna cry!"

Frank tried and failed to hide his laughter at Billy's expense but Billy didn't doubt that emotions were going to run high when he finally saw you at the end of the aisle. "Oh did aunt Karen?" He asked with a smirk and she shrugged innocently "I live with Frank, I know you pretty well by now. You're gonna cry but it's ok. You're around family" 

\------------------------

After taking photos of you and your girls in the bridesmaids room the photographer suggested moving outside onto the grass for a few shots. Karen and Alice went out first to clear the path of Billy.

You didn't realize they were doing a first look of sorts. You didn't have any blood family but when you stepped outside Frank and Curtis were standing there and smiles spread across both of their faces and you could've sworn they teared up just a little "So what do you think?" You asked after doing a little spin. Frank pulled you into a hug first and whispered into your ear "You look beautiful Y/N. I wish Maria could see you today" you smiled then leaned up to kiss his cheek "I got you and Karen here in person and I know she's watching us all"

Curtis grabbed you next and said "You're trying to take Billy on out aren't you?" You laughed and shook your head "Maybe just a few skipped heartbeats nothing serious"

You hadn't realized the photographer had been clicking until she told Alice "oh yeah. I got some great shots" you turned to look and Alice grinned "Just cause you're not traditional we needed a few of the usual shots! You should see the ones of Billy and Adi!" Your eyes lit up but the photographer shook her head "No ma'am. I've been promised to not let you see until after the wedding" you sighed "Fine then!" But was smiling regardless.

\----------------------------

You were fine when Leo came back to give Adi her flowers and guide her to the head of the aisle, you were fine when Karen headed out but when Curtis came to the door of the room you found your hands shaking when he held your bouquet out. "You nervous Y/N?" You shook your head "Just don't let me fall Curt, ok?" He laughed and held his arm out "That's a deal"

You took a deep breath then let Curtis lead you into the small chapel. When you finally raised your eyes they found Billy's. You felt yourself calm immediately just seeing him. Every day since you met him had lead to this and now even after so much you were finally marrying him. He smiled when he saw you and sure enough Karen was right, a few tears slipped down his face "You good?" Curtis whispered and you nodded as the music started.

\------------------------

Billy felt more than saw you and Curtis. The moment he looked up he felt tears spring to his eyes as a smile slipped onto his face. God you looked absolutely beautiful. Every memory he had with you flashed through his head, from early days as friends through nights before holding you in his arms. Through giving you every reason to leave him behind you never stopped loving him and were now going to become his wife. He had only dreamed of this day and now it was finally here.

\------------------------

Adi stood next to Frank as the justice of the peace said "I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss the bride" and shouted "KISS HER DADDY!" which made everyone crack up. Billy glanced back at you and smiled before pulling you into a kiss. When he pulled back you both had tears in your eyes "I love you Mrs Russo" he said and you gave a watery laugh "I love you too Mr Russo"

Everyone started clapping so you and Billy turned to face them as Adi came running over so Billy picked her up. She looked over everyone and loudly announced "MOMMY AND DADDY ARE MARRIED! LET'S GO GET CAKE!" 

\---------------------------

The reception was beautiful. The cake was perfect, the dance floor was off the side and everyone was in good spirits.

You were talking to Matt and Foggy when Billy came by and slipped an arm around your waist "Sorry you two I need to steal my wife for a bit" "I think he likes saying that" Foggy teased with a grin. Matt smiled and held out his hand to Billy "congrats you two" Billy shook his hand then glanced back at you "Thanks Matt"

You didn't know why Billy had come in search of you until you heard a glass clanking and looked up to see Alice, Frank and Curtis at the head of the room. Karen was standing to the side with Adi and a smile on her face "Oh this is the toast part of the evening isn't it?" You asked and Billy nodded before handing you a glass "Might as well go along with it. If we fight they'll get more embarrassing"

You shrugged and turned to face the trio. Frank winked at you before taking the microphone "All of you here know me. You know how I know Y/N and Bill. I'm gonna keep it short and sweet. I went too many damn deployments hearing him whine about whether she was gonna ever give him a chance. These two have went through it since then but they're still standing today. I love them both even after knowing em this long so Bill, Y/N congrats"

You clapped and hugged Frank when he walked over and Karen came to join all of you with Adi swinging from Frank's arm then it was Curtis' turn. He smiled at you then said "Y/N is one of the best people I've ever known. When I lost my leg she helped me a lot. She has served this city as a paramedic for over a decade. If you're lucky enough to be her friend you always have someone in your corner willing to fight for you" everyone awed then he said "and yet for some reason she's in love with Billy" and a laugh went through the crowd.

"C'mon Curt!" Billy hollered playfully. Curtis laughed then said "ok ok, on a real note. These two? They're fighters. They don't know the meaning of giving up on anyone they care about. They've loved each other for most of their adult lives and I'm proud to call them both my friends"

Everyone toasted then Alice took the microphone "last but not least" she smiled at you then turned her attention to Billy "The day I met Billy he came to the station house to take Y/N for a cup of coffee. He followed her around like a puppy. I knew that boy was whipped from day one. I got to watch them tip toe around each other and eventually get together. Like Frank said they've went through so much but even when I wanted to let my feelings get in the way as Y/N's friend the love between them was still so very plain to see. They found their way back together and now share a beautiful little girl. I'm sure everyone here joins me in congratulating them and wishing them many happy years"

Adi jumped into Billy's arms so he pulled you into them as well holding both of you as everyone cheered. He pressed his forehead against yours and whispered "I love you Y/N" you smiled "I love you too Billy" 


	60. Chapter 60

Frank ended up proposing to Karen the weekend after you and Billy got married. 

* * *

You had just put Adi down so you grabbed the monitor and headed outside where Billy and Frank were building a fire. When you stepped outside Karen held out a glass of wine that you took with a smile. "So how's it feel to be married?" She asked while the two of you watched them successfully get a fire going. They waved you two over so you smiled and replied "Not much different. Now I just finally share a last name with him and Adi"

Billy sat down in one of the lounge chairs that was around the fire pit but bent his legs at the knee so you took the invitation to climb between them and curl up against his chest while you sipped your wine. He smiled down at you "Adi asleep?" You nodded "She fought it but finally gave up when I promised her daddy and uncle Frank will take her on a hike tomorrow" he laughed then said "Hear that Frankie? We're on hike duty tomorrow" 

Frank shrugged "Fine by me" Karen was curled up against Frank the same way you were curled up against Billy. It was peaceful, the four of you just watching the fire and talking. After about an hour Frank touched Karen's shoulder "I gotta grab something sweetheart" she leaned up to let him off the chair and you watched him curiously then a thought occurred to you. You glanced back at Billy then cut your eyes at Karen trying to ask if what you thought was about to happen was actually about to happen. He nodded slightly so you smiled and laid your head back against his chest as you dug your phone out your pocket to be able to snap a few photos.

Karen was chatting away about her most recent article when Frank came walking back out. He sat down on the edge of the fire pit, away from the flame so Karen leaned up to be closer to him. "Frank, is something wrong?" He shook his head then glanced at you and Billy before looking back at Karen. "Karen we've been together a while now" she nodded and smiled softly "Yeah, why?"

You knew Frank had trouble actually being vocal about his emotions and started to get up so you and Billy could give them some privacy but he shook his head so you sat back down. He took a breath then continued "When I met you, I was messed up. I'm not gonna lie, but you...you helped me. You pulled me out that dark and between you and Y/N… you two kept me going...kept me alive….I never meant to fall in love with you and when I did a part of me felt like I was betraying Maria somehow until Y/N knocked some sense into me...Karen I'm trying to ask if you want to marry me"

You had your phone up when he pulled out the ring box and Billy nearly flipped both of you to grab Frank and Karen before Karen accidently almost knocked them both into the fire she dove into Frank's arms so fast "YES!" 

All of you ended up in a pile on the dirt by the fire pit laughing your asses off. You leaned up from your place halfway under Billy and laughed "Frank! My proposal was while he was bleeding out, your proposal nearly ended in third degree burns" he shrugged "let's call it a tie" you pulled Karen into a hug ignoring the fact that both of you were covered in dirt "I love you Page or well should I say Castle?" She grinned then glanced back at Frank "Either one as long as I'm with Frank I'm happy"

* * *

A few months later you were standing in the same venue that you and Billy had gotten married in, watching as Karen had a mental breakdown. "Y/N I'm late" "like late as in you need a pad or tampon or late as in I should get Alice to do a pharmacy run?" "Like the last one?" She admitted in a near whisper. You took a breath and said "Ok. It's fine. This is fine. I'll step out and find Alice. She'll run down the block we'll know before the ceremony"

"What if I am and Frank doesn't want it?" She asked and you froze then walked over to where she was sitting and squatted down in front of her "Kare, look at me" she met your eyes so you wiped the tears off her face "He loves you and he is an amazing father. If you're pregnant he may freak at first but he'll want the baby. Trust me" she smiled and hugged you "I love you Y/N" you patted her back and said "Love you too" before walking out to go find Alice.

You were walking down the hall when a thought occurred to you. What was the date again? You pulled out your phone and scrolled back through the calender. No. It couldn't be. You had to have counted wrong. You recounted then cursed under your breath. Fuck. How had you gotten so distracted by planning that you missed the fact that you were late too? Billy and Frank had joked time and again about you and Karen synching up and now it appeared the two of you may have synched up on more than periods.

You found Alice and quickly explained what was going on so she left in almost a run to go to the pharmacy. You walked back into the bridesmaid room and sat down next to Karen in silence then after a moment you said "I'm late too" right before Sarah knocked on the door and Adi came running in.

\--------------------------

You stood there staring at both of the little plastic tests. Both of the positive tests. "Fuck" "You can say that again" Karen spoke over your shoulder. You took a deep breath then said "It's fine. I can handle this. Billy will be thrilled. We already have Adi and she's been asking for a little brother or sister anyways" you looked back to see Karen was a little green and felt bad for being so calm. You pulled her into a hug and said "I'll go talk to Frank. We have a hour and half before the ceremony. Ok?"

She nodded "ok" you kissed her cheek then headed out the bathroom and then out the bridesmaids room. You were walking down the hallway and Alice grabbed your arm. She glanced down at your stomach "So am I gonna be an aunt again?" Then looked back towards the bridesmaids room and added "Times two?" You barely nodded "Don't tell anyone! I'm going to talk to Billy and Frank now" she grinned and pulled you into a hug "Congrats mama! And tell Karen too. I'm gonna go chase down Kenz and Adi. They're doing an impromptu photoshoot with Adi's new flower girl dress. Should I bring her to you and Billy?"

You shook your head "We'll tell her later so she doesn't blurt during the ceremony" she laughed "Good point" then walked off. You watched her for a second then went in search of Billy.

\-----------------------

You stood outside the groomsmen room and took a few deep breaths before knocking. Curtis opened the door and smiled when he saw you "Hey Y/N" then his smile dropped slightly "are you ok?" You quickly nodded "Yeah I just need to talk to those two" he pointed towards the door "Do I need to leave?" You shook your head "Only if you want to" he shrugged then sat down.

Billy walked across the floor to meet you. He looked over your pale blue bridemaid dress and smiled "Y/N you look gorgeous" "Thank you but I um need to tell you something" he looked between you and Curtis before saying "Ok baby. Is something wrong?" Frank walked around the corner at that "Y/N are you ok?"

You nodded to Frank and smiled at him then glanced back at Curtis "God you three look so handsome in your suits" "Thanks Y/N but spill it. You look like you may puke" you had always appreciated Frank's bluntness so you chose to borrow it at the moment "Billy, um we're gonna have another baby" a smile split his face as he pulled you into his arms "You're pregnant?" You nodded and laughed as he spun you around then quickly sat you down apologizing. "Adi is gonna be a big sister! I get to be here!" You smiled at the enthusiasm he already had. "I figured you'd be happy" "Happy? Baby I've never dreamed of being this happy. We need to go tell Adi" you grabbed his hand before he could head to the door "Hold on"

Your eyes were on Frank when you said "Actually Billy you um wanna go find Adi? Curtis can go with you. I need to talk to Frank" "Ok baby" he replied leaving another kiss on your cheek before walking out with Curtis. 

Once the two of you were alone you ran a hand across the back of your neck a few times before finally saying "Frank um Karen is pregnant too and she's freaking out you aren't going to want the baby" he stood motionless for a few seconds so you waved a hand in front of his eyes a few times. He slowly blinked "Karen's pregnant?" You nodded. "Are you mad?" "Mad? Hell no. I mean I'm scared not gonna lie but mad because the woman I love is pregnant? Hell no" 

You let out a breath you hadn't realized you'd been holding "Good. Come with me and talk to her. She's not dressed yet so no bad luck" he pulled you into a hug then laid a hand on your stomach "So I'm gonna be a dad again and a uncle again close together huh?" You laughed "Looks that way"

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Exactly eight months nearly to the day after Frank and Karen's wedding you and Karen were both in the hospital giving birth. Adi was staying with Sarah and David. Billy and Frank were nearly comical with how they were handling both of you being in labor.

Your rooms were side by side so they popped back and forth. When it came time to push though they both got serious. Billy was behind you in the bed supporting you every step of the way. He was whispering in your ear how much he loved you and Adi, how amazing you were and how much he couldn't wait to meet your son.

When your baby boy cried the first time you saw tears in Billy's eyes. When the nurse started to hand him to you, you nodded towards Billy "Let his daddy hold him first" you were exhausted anyways. She handed him to Billy with a smile "So daddy you and mommy got him a name?" Billy glanced back at you and god that smile he had "Connor Lucas Russo" she smiled "I'll write it down. Congrats"

Once the nurses and doctor cleared out Billy sat on the side of the bed with Connor in his arms. "He's amazing Y/N. You're amazing. I'm so sorry I wasn't here for this with Adi. This, seeing him come into the world. How hard you worked to give birth to our son. That was unlike anything I've ever experienced" you leaned up to kiss Connor's forehead then Billy's cheek "I wish you could've been here with Adi too baby but she doesn't hold it against you. She knows you love her just like he will. Just wait until he gets old enough they start teaming up against us. Add in Frank and Karen's little girl and we're all gonna be screwed" he laughed then leaned over to catch your lips in a lingering kiss "have I mentioned in the last few minutes how much I love you?" You grinned "No you haven't. I'm feeling unloved" he shook his head and teased "I'm horrible" 

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A few hours later Karen and Frank came over to your room with their babygirl. They decided to name her Cassandra Elise Castle. She already looked like a cookie cutter copy of Karen.

You watched with a smile as Frank and Billy stood side by side each holding the other's newborn and felt tears sliding down your face. "Come here honey" Karen said, pulling you over on her shoulder since she was sitting on the bed with you. Billy glanced over "You ok sweetheart?" You nodded with a smile "Never been better" you never would've dreamed after everything you'd been through in your life that it would've led to being this happy with the man you love. 

It seemed as though sometimes sins could be amended if enough love and effort was put into it and this end result? It was worth every ounce of effort that had been put into getting there. 


End file.
